Jun 11, 2011

Is he the right guy for you.... or how to spot a flake

Sometimes dating can be a mine-field of confusion, and often i get asked "how do i know he's the right guy for me?" or "how do i spot a flake?" Actually both questions do not always have the same answer. Just because a guy isn't a flake, doesn't mean he's the right guy for you.... if he's committed and emotionally mature enough to be with you, there are other factors that can put a girl off. I should know!

But a 'flakey' guy in any shape or form, even if you 'connect' and get on so well with each other, is never going to be 'right'. Any guy who wants to casually date or happy to dally in an emotionally uncommitted way is wasting your time. Even if he could be right for you in the future... now is where you are at.

So... how does a girl spot a flake? And if he is one... how does a girl deal with that?!

Well the first one comes with experience. Its only after dating a flake, giving him time and energy, can you really, really tell... and later start ditching any guy with a smidgen of 'flakey' traits. Forget about 'he's just not into you'... think of it as more 'he's so not right for you right now' (unless of course you're actually looking for that kinda thing. but i've never met a girl who doesn't want an emotional connection - hands up if i'm wrong though!).

In my experience there are various stages of flake... most extreme is the player who flirts, takes a number but never even arranges a date! and at the other end of the scale is the headf*ck who will go as far as dating you exclusively but introduce you as his 'friend' and never really make you feel like its going anywhere... every thing else between these two is a degree of flakiness that also confuses, frustrates and angers the hell out of a girl.

So whats with the flakiness? Well schools of thought paint a picture of guys who aren't so into a girl but love the ego boost, to guys that just like dating, guys who are afraid of commitment and the loss of freedom that comes with it, and even guys who see detachment and lack of emotion as a strength, something to maintain and return to when a relationship gets overwhelming.

And what about us women. Why does this frustrate the hell out of us? Why do girls not get flaky? I think we do get flakey, especially if the guy isn't really doing it for us emotionally and physically. However us girls can develop an emotional connection through a physical one over time so if a guy puts enough hours in, and she'll sleep with him.... there will come a time when the tables will turn and she's chasing him. Trouble is for girls we seem to focus on end goals too much and want to be further into the connection (once we decide there can be one of course!) than we are. Instead of being in the here and now, focusing on the fun, attraction and the flirtiness that initially attracted a guy to her in the first place. For the many reasons i listed earlier, he pulls away, isn't so sure anymore. She starts to nag about the lack of closeness - which he interprets as a lack on his part, him not being enough - all of which could be avoided if he didn't take it as a 'sleight' on him, realise she was just expressing her fears, took her in his arms and closed the gap physically, reassuring her with some sweet words, or she could see how he would perceive it as nagging/pressure, making him feel not good enough for her, and maybe reach out and touch him affectionately instead, seeking her own closeness - this is how emotionally mature couples in a trusting/loving relationship tend to act or should act, a flake on the other hand never would...

So back to how to spot a flake! The less committed a guy is the easier to spot right. If he doesn't call or breaks off dates all the time he's just wasting your time - ditch! Its harder when the lines are not so clear cut. His behaviour is confusing. Well not anymore.

Tried and tested, here are the signs of a emotionally unavailable flake:

Physical Closeness - you have this in spades. you guys are 'hot!' he's all over you. but you mainly see him in your bed (or his) and no many place else. in fact its the only thing you seem to have going for you both

Words - he tells you how amazing you are all the time. and makes it sound like an expression of 'love'. But is hardly interested you as a person, or your life, and most probably doesn't see you as his gf when everyone but him knows it. did i not mention words are cheap. especially as men have this ability to 'mean' what they say at the time, but change their minds as often as their pants.

Compartmentalizing - you never meet his friends/family and he keeps you separate from everything he regards as 'close' to him in his life. this means he can drop you like a hot rock if need be, and he gets his freedom

Quality Time (not intimate ones) - these are few and far between. you don't experience many things together and your relationship lacks shared times/memories/places/events. he doesn't book you in for future events, unless its a booty call and makes you feel uncertain about if he wants to see you again the moment he walks out the door

Gifts/Services - he never buys you gifts (even if its just a token like a kinder egg!) or invest any of his hard earned cash on you, or ever gone out of his way to do something nice for you. people who are smitten think of nice things to do and give tokens of appreciation

Campaigning - he only wants you to see the polished side of him and if arguments or bad times do arise... he may punish you for the drama, disagreeing or being upset by cutting off his attention and affection for you by suddenly being unavailable/busy. you're unable to talk about your 'feelings' for fear of making him angry and going awol

So there they are, what to look for. Some guys will have just one or two of these traits, maybe he just lacks a bit of emotional maturity for his age.... but if a guy has at least 4-6 of these bad habits i'm sorry to say with you are with a guy who has the emotional maturity of a 14 year old boy.

What to do then? How do you deal with this kind of flake? Even if he's 100% committed to you and only you, there aren't any other girls on the horizon, this guy is not giving you everything you need to feel secure in a trusting, loving relationship, and bound to make you ask more than usual 'where the hell is this going' and make you feel 'insecure'. Guys like this may not even realise they are doing it, but for a woman its soul destroying not to get what she needs while he's getting his. And long-term... can make a girl lose her confidence and drive.

If he's a 4-6 pointer i'd have to say get rid girl. He's not worth the effort. When you do meet a guy who ticks neither of those boxes, who is emotionally mature enough to deal with a girl's feelings and needs... its amazing. I can't stress enough that women blame themselves too much for 'acting a girl' or 'being too insecure', but they hardly look at the men who culture this behaviour in women, the men who take no responsibility for their actions by saying 'if you feel that way, thats your problem not mine'.

A relationship is two people. Find a guy that knows that and invest your energy in fun, flirty goodness and leave the 'flakes' to deal with their issues.... god knows they have a hell of a lot more than you.


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