Dec 27, 2010

The saying goes "Men Commit When They Are Ready"... is this true?

I was once told that "Women commit when they find 'The One, but Men commit when they are good and ready, no matter who they are with at that time." I never paid much attention to the meaning. To be honest at the time i was 21 and in an amazing relationship with a guy i really cared about. I'd met 'The One' and so had he.... case closed.

Now... years later i'm a little older, wiser and dating men in their 30s who are happy to retire their 'cheesy pick-up lines' and 'casual fun' in place of something a bit more permanent, like a 'wife'! I can now spot them a mile a way. They have that look in their eye like their assessing a horse for a race. Can she endure to the last mile, does she have good breeding, will she help or hinder my goals.

Case Open?

These men are 'ready' to settle, no bones about it. And first dates are no longer a mesh of irresponsible drinking, dancing in the water fountain, eating bad take-away food and then running for the bus at 6am giggling in each others arms. First dates are now like appointments or interviews, with 2 hour slots and a responsible glass of wine in a cosy pub while swapping highlights of achievements and experiences, then ending with a polite kiss before going home to be in bed for a respectable 11pm turn in.

Its kinda freaking me out. I mean i've been wondering when things would give and guys would start pushing for more while i hung back dragged my heels, but this is beyond what i expected. I've spent all of my 20s running around after guys i've fallen for, trying to make them love me back, and now im the one who is being chased. The worst thing is its not with any flair or passion, their chasing is logical and methodical and just plain boring.

Its not that they aren't attractive. Don't get me wrong, 'Northern Boy' is really cute with a very nice body, and kisses that almost leave bruises. And 'Mr Mars' has these sexy liquid brown eyes and hot Latino looks that can melt me at 100 paces... but they are not 'The One' for me. I know im fussy but it isn't all about looks. The important things to me are missing, like ambition, humor etc . And that leads me back to the first line of this post "Women settle when they meet 'The One'. I now believe this to be true. The only times i've ever considered settling was when i was in a relationship with a guy that had similar interests and direction to me (as well as being hot of course).

Men on the other hand... the amount of times my male friends have said to me that they regret losing 'that girl', or an ex has called me out of the blue saying he made a mistake when he left me. It seems they are 'ready' to settle but sadly there's not a decent girl to be found, so they dredge up the past and their phone book and start trying to rekindle old flames. One guy text me recently after 3 years! Another wouldn't leave me alone, after i accidentally bumped into him in the street, until i started ignoring his phone calls, and even that took months. Somehow this happens less with women? (And that leads me to wonder why is ok for a guy to hound a girl to death and not ok for a girl - she just becomes a crazy stalker? Maybe thats a question for another post?)

So now im 30, enjoying a new-age of adult dating with men who hand you their CV when you walk through the door, can i finally endorse that saying? Are there more guys in their 30s ready to settle than not? OR have i just gotten wiser to the 'players' and the 'gamers' out there know how to avoid them?

Not sure yet... will keep you posted!


Nov 13, 2010

How to change your mindset, be more positive and be in control

In other words, how do you create a reality you want to be in... cos its so easy to find yourself 'trapped' in an environment you don't want. You drag your tired feet and weary head through each day, looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. You moan to yourself, friends and family of how bad your present situation is. You expect the world around you has to change before you can smile again and be positive...

well wrong.

Why? because simply how you feel right now is 70% how you perceive the situation, 20% how much you accept things you cannot change, and 10% what you're doing to change it. What does that tell me? That 90% of happiness is all in your mind.

I want to share with a plan im working on to help you move towards a more positive place.

Most of my close friends know im a big romantic... heartbreak can devastate me for a short while, which it did recently, when I realized i misplaced my trust and heart with someone undeserving.

All it takes is a big fall and the rest just have to exist to keep me there, work stress can knock me for six, family issues can bring me down... etc

But i'm also a fighter, and just as much as i fall, i know i can climb right back up. All i need are the right people around me, the right tools and my own determination.

I'm a great believer in we choose our happiness. Someone once told me happy people are happy on purpose. I study positive psychology in my spare time (im hoping to do a masters) and in fact your mindset/perception is the most important thing to change first in order to change anything in your life. And being able to be positive has such an impact when your trying to deal with lifes issues.

So i worked very hard these last few months to break the habit im so bad at having.... worrying and not doing. pulled out all my inspiring books and papers and put together my 3 month plan. This post is all about the first month which is changing mindset:

Month One - To change mindset and get into 'good' habits
(You will need a small notebook and carry with you everyday)

Good habit #1 - Appreciation & Self (2 mins)
First step to being content is knowing what you do have. Just having a positive attitude makes others attracted to you and can help you connect with others.
Daily - Write down at least one answer for each and believe in them

1) what im i grateful for today & why. what good things happened (try to see silver lining in everything)
2) what makes you amazing today. sell yourself to yourself (don't laugh at this one)
2) reminder - what im i aiming for this week/month (your one major goal) and why do u deserve it.

Good habit #2 - Own Motivation & Satisfaction (2 mins + task time)
Its good to see progress even on a simple level like a personal to-do list
Sun/Mon - Write down 3 action a week things that are for yourself only, which will make a difference in your life and make u feel good having done them.
These can be things that take you towards your goal or just help you along in life. They should be non-work related.
Now do them through out the week and tick off as you go along.

Good habit #3 - Realise you are in control (15 mins)
Just by knowing what you want you are in control of your life.
At beginning of week - write down 1 thing you want to happen in all areas of your life (work, career, love, family, money, health, social, home)
At end of week - tick off the things this week and in past weeks that you have gained or have happened

Good habit #4 - Be in the moment (1 hour)
The mind can take over your body if you don't keep in check,
Take one hour at least for yourself once week to do something relaxing (go to the gym, go for a walk, cook etc). This can also be broken down into 15 mins a day (meditate or take a bath)
The most important thing is not to think about anything except what you are doing. Let your mind rest (no worries or thinking negatively as this gets you into bad habits)

It seems like a lot to do but in fact it will take only a small part of your time up everyday, and once you get into the habit it will be second nature.

These are the foundation blocks that we can build on for later so its important to make them a habit... months 2 and 3 focused more on the doing and gaining side of things

How i know things worked: well i got everything i asked for an i feel so much more positive and in control. I was in this place 3 years ago (doing much the same thing) and it feels so good to be back on top.

i wrote this here because i wish and hope everyone who reads this can find the inspiration to reach the same place if not better than so they have an amazing xmas! i know everyone is different and somethings work better for others, but i do hope it works for u like it did me... thats if you wish to try.


Oct 10, 2010

Weird things guys have said to me... *seriously*

I'll let you into a secret. Girls like to share the pain of a bad date, even to the point of sending their friends excerpts of text/emails from guys. I have quite a collection of funny quotes now from girls that i'm hoping to put into some kind of published format... but until then i thought why not post a sample online too ;)

Here are a few choice one-liners that have come my way recently. I'll leave it to you to decide if its 'normal' or not:

Second Date Guy: "No honestly. I eat nails." I think i thought he meant he bit his nails but no... he actually was referring to steel nails.

Mr Talks all the time: "i used to pretend i was a wolf so i could fight with my dog" is it normal for a guy to fight with his dog? He had a lot of teeth mark scars to prove it...

The Texan : "Yeah she sleeps on my sofa and pays me in kind for rent. It works well." I honestly tried to climb out the window of the bathroom after this one.

Muscle Guy: "What do you mean by the fact that you have many brothers... is there a deeper meaning to that?" No i have a lot of brothers.

The Army Guy: "Are you also a lesbian?" Eventually worked out he wanted a threesome.

The boyfriend: "Its cave-man boy time" rii-ight. maybe after eastenders?

Mr Cool: " i like that shiny shit on your face. makes you look like an alien" i take compliments where i can get them

Industry Guy: "I was thinking of where to go. Do you like Trannie-oke?" Say again?

Sex Pest:"Can i come over and give you a massage? Purely platonic of course" It was a big fat no.

The Ex: "I re-added you back on facebook so you can see that i'm over you." Not weird but i wasn't expecting it.

Mr Part-Time Model: "Truthfully though, do you think im fat?" I now know how it feels to be a guy

The Aussie: "I've lost my headphones. Can i look in your bag incase you've taken them?" what?

Cute Bar Tender: "We have to be careful of what we say, cos you know government is hiding aliens from us" just randomly thrown in a serious conversation about taxes

First Date Only Guy: "You seem distant. Is it because i've got a coldsore?" i don't think i need to answer that...

First Date Only Guy much later:"So you're not going to have sex with me. I bought u a beer?" We ended up having this argument in the street while i was getting into a taxi to go home

First Date Only Guy much much later via text:"Whats your address. I want to make sure you get home ok" Delete, delete, delete...

Ok well thats a few i can recall. Share the love if you've had any weird boy experiences...

Love ya all

L xoxo

Sep 26, 2010

Why watching 'sex and the city' gives men insight into the worst traits a woman can have...

Someone once told me that all girls can relate to Sex and the City because each character (Miranda, Charlotte, Carrie and Samantha) are all aspects of the female personality, so any girl can identify with the show.

Is this true? are all modern women capable of finding within themselves the reserved nature of Charlotte, the ambitious/controlling attitude of Miranda, and the wanton sex drive of Samantha, all the while being as flaky and analytical as Carrie? I like to think that women are more complex than that surely?

Recently i noticed my 3 closest friends actually resemble characters from show:

Toya is Charlotte... always beautifully turned out, coquettish and demure, believing in true love and doing things in the right way.

Eli is Miranda... direct, driven, and always classy. A very determined young lady with an attitude to work first and chill out later.

Lyns is Samatha... flamboyant, daring and often dressed to kill. Men to her are always beautiful and her passion for life often leaves me exhausted.

And so where does that leave me? Im i the flaky dating columnist who is to quote Carrie "A crazy person running around the streets of New York City trying to get Big to love me back."... er well i do write a blog on dating, and i love fashion, and i am a very thoughtful person?!

So if thats true and i'm Carrie... who is my Mr Big?

I once told an Ex he was my "Aiden". I was drunk at the time but no excuse. It was an insult. Why? because Aiden was the sap she didn't really want. That must mean there has been at some point a guy i did want more than any other, who rocked my world, made me go weak at the knees, forever running across the city just to see him?

I'll admit there has been two guys that match that description, who i allowed myself to fall in love with, but they have come and gone and now no longer a part of my life... there is no Mr Big. The problem with Carrie was that she was always bumping into him, however big NYC was. Chris Noth was always there. Out of sight, out of heart really does work and for me its worked so well that my Mr Big (or the guy who just kept reeling me back in) has now gone for good.

So as much as i love Carrie's clothes, her sense of direction in life and the way she dates feels way too chaotic for my tastes. At my worst i am her, and i would say that of all of my friends and of all of the other characters. No sane woman wants to be the girls from Sex and the City... but sometimes we just are because that's how crazy women can get if left to their own devices and exposed to female-only advice for too long.

Give us 2 hours with a bottle of wine and a man to discuss and we will have it so wrong its almost painful to listen to. Just like getting a bunch of guys together with a keg of beer will make them more alpha and neanderthal-like. We women do the opposite, enhancing our own emotional responses just by sounding off with one another.

In other words we get more girly...

Luckily as much as i love my girls, i listen to my guy friends too. Sometimes i don't listen to anyone and make even more of a mess. But whats proved to me in life and in any story, as long as you learn your lesson completely and thoroughly, theres always a way to get up, dust yourself off and start again - theres always a second chance.

And apologies for taking so long to get back into the swing of writing. Work, my job and even my own company is mentally busy right now, but its amazing! Finding my balance between all of the things i love has been my challenge this fall. but its all coming together ;) also new people in my life are starting to make it interesting again, so watch this space

love ya all xoxo


Jun 8, 2010

Bargaining your way back to heartbreak... and how to break the cycle

Most people who are reaching late twenties, early thirties... unless they've been living in a monastery for the whole of their adult life, have experienced heartbreak. It seems there are different stages to getting over someone, and no matter how many times its happened to me, i get it wrong each and every time. Theres a new lesson to experience i know it... but omg it hurts like hell and the situation always sucks.

If you've ever been hurt you'll be familiar with the tiny voice in your head that whines about the poor deal you've been dealt, time and time again, rearing ugly feelings of sadness, anger, low-self esteem, depression, regret, self-blame, denial, loss.... shall i go on?

On a therapists sofa this voice is neatly coined as 'bargaining', a stage of grief where your thoughts are your worst enemy, often making the situation 'feel' worse than it actually is. And even more depressing, you're addicted to the falling into the bargain loop over and over, convincing yourself of your own misery, and that you're still not over it.

Well good news is that this is the last stage of heartbreak, and its a 100% your own fantasyland that just isn't real. The bad news is that the cycle is tough to break. mainly because you like your fantasy, it may get you attention (in the beginning), the lows are infrequent and inbetween enough highs that you convince yourself its never going to come back, and its triggered by as little as 'just having a bad day'.

Its the stage where we are 'certain' we can get back what we lost. If that person just knew how you felt they would act differently. If you think about what happened time and time again you would see where you went wrong. Its the side of you that wants to fix it and thinks it can. And thats the danger... because you just can't.

I did the worst thing i could ever do when breaking up with someone. I just wouldn't let it go. Even though my mind accepted that we weren't going to be together, and i knew that remaining friends was preventing me from moving on... my heart refused to believe, and my actions became inconsistent with what i was saying, so much i couldn't see how irrational i was behaving. To be honest... thats pretty normal. You'd be a cold-hearted biatch if you really did love someone but didn't have any inner turmoil when letting go. And so I couldn't help it, i was acting like i still needed this guy, still wanted him in my life. And you know what, I did. I wanted to be in touch, keep the door open for just the slightest bit of hope that i could still control the situation.

I'll be honest... when you're panicking about losing someone your head is f*cked and you really don't know what the hell you are doing. I gave over to my emotions and wouldn't let sleeping dogs lie. In doing so i kinda messed things up that now this guy can't even trust me to be in contact still. And being blanked/ignored/given the silent treatment... it sucks.

I'm not perfect, and sometimes it astounds me when others say "wow you are so good at relationship advice". Hell no, i'm not. I just see clearly when my emotions aren't clouding my judgement and i don't place blame. In my love life... i will never see clearly and sometimes i blame myself to much. Its only by writing that i can express how i feel and see the bigger picture.

All you can do when you wake up and realise you've been bargaining... is stop convincing yourself that you were wrong, and that you need/can get back what you lost. Best way is to not sugar coat the past. Whoever hurt you made mistakes too and so if you're going to lay blame... share the love! And then just accept the situation, warts an all. They are never going to change, come back or listen. Whats done is done. Its time you got on with your life and stopped looking back.

Things to think about:

1) its natural to think you can change it and to blame yourself

2) everyone has gone through what you're going through

3) convincing yourself that what you lost was better than what you have now is futile

4) think about what the 'real' situation was. the past and people are not as great as you remember. There was a reason you were unhappy and acted accordingly

5) you can't change it so dont try. Just get one with everything else and come back to it later (much later) if its so important.

6) and write to express yourself, even if only to throw it away. I have so many unfinished letters not sent to exes. If one escapes and actually does get sent (which is bad) then don't worry too much. But try not to send them. Write on paper so the possibility is less.

Right this moment i'm struggling to follow my own advice. When i fully embrace acceptance its like theres a wall between my heart and everything else. This is the third time i've been burnt by love and i'm not sure i could go through it all again. In fact i don't want to. No guy is worth this much pain. I gave my heart away so willingly last time... i'm reluctant to, ever again, for anyone.

I'm sitting here thinking of him and i wonder if when he told me he couldn't let anyone in after being hurt... if this is what he felt. Has he passed this curse on to me instead? If that's true, then i can finally see what he was going through. The hardest task would be to trust someone again, let them into your heart, after you've been damaged. I've gone through heartbreak twice (and the first time was more than enough) and something has truly been lost this time. Maybe my innocence towards love and embracing it when it happens? I was a passionate person, adoring the intense feelings of the moment, romanticising them beyond belief.... and now...?

I've been dating some great guys. They are kind, sweet, funny and very cute. But. I have nothing to give. My feelings are under wraps at all times. I never let them in. I don't want to. Don't want to lose control ever again. i feel like i'm numb inside, and theres this part of me i won't let them see or reach. I'm drifting in the middle of a big ocean or behind so much glass, nothing can get to me there. Its where i'm safe, so why should i leave... Unless it feels like the real thing, real love, why should i open myself up to so much hurt. I'd rather stay single. And further more, does real love even exist, equally between two people? The most sucessful couples seems to be those that aren't deeply, passionate around each other. There are no butterflies in stomaches or movie moment kisses, or intense sex. In fact most of them have told me its always been kinda boring... and there is love, just not the kind i always get drawn too. And furthermore, each couple seems to content, but not overly so.... there s little bit of reservation about what they have. Like they aren't 100% sure its what they want. And yet these are the couples that work. Maybe having this wall around my heart is good thing. Maybe i need to learn to protect myself from ever losing myself in someone else ever again. If not being able to let anyone in again helps me do that... then so be it

And so accepting the heartbreak does wonders for moving on... but still not sure what do to about wall around my heart yet. Maybe i'll leave it standing for a while longer...


May 31, 2010

Big changes make you stronger.... or 'i'm so excited'

A few weeks ago i was asked... "if we needed you to re-locate to NY or LA would you consider?". Now you can imagine my reaction. Like 'hell yeah!" lol

I've always believed that where you live, where you are in your life, and what you do - all the external things, don't matter. Its who you are inside that counts and what you 'choose' to feel and how you 'choose' to act that determines your happiness. I mean if you live your life the way you want and always do the right thing by others, then how can you not feel good about yourself. Problems in your life always have a nasty way of following you and turning up when you least expect it, so running away doesn't help. However, there is something 'inspiring' about being given a fresh start....

I'm not just talking about moving to LA either, i'm talking about all things new... like new jobs, new people in your life and also new ideals and beliefs. Imagine that everything you used to be as the flora on each bank of the river, and you are say a twig floating down that river, the last thing you want to do is stagnate or get caught up in the reeds and foliage of just one particular belief, person, place or career.... if you do you might never make it to the ocean that symbolizes the bigger picture. Its super important to keep moving with the current beneath you, go where the wind takes you.

As much as i loved blogging about dating and psychology, its not something that i can see myself investing too much thought into now. You see life is about exploration and adventure, and there are so many other places in the realm of philosophy and imagination to visit, as well as physical experience.

When i started this blog i purposely named it something that meant a lot to me and always will... and that's the pursuit of truth and wisdom from life. There are no right answers or right ways to do things, and everyone is different. Trying to control or master certain aspects can be fun, but there's a danger with security through obsession. Do you ever really live if you box yourself into a corner?

I like taking chances, even if they leave me high and dry. If you don't try you'll never know right and so taking the risk of moving abroad might be the worst thing i've ever done but at least i reached for the stars.

Nothing can hold you back unless you make it that way, not anyone or anything in this world. I truly believe that. Imagine having no regrets because of that belief? because everything you do is the right thing for you, no matter what people say or books say or your ego tells you. Nothing is less true than your heart. And to live like you have nothing to lose but everything to gain, you have to listen to what it says.

I realised yesterday that i react from the heart naturally. Its about doing something because your gut tells you to, because you truly care and because you have nothing to gain. Its unconditional love for yourself that drives it. Its easy to forget and ignore, easy to see yourself in a bad light because others say so, or because your ego is unfulfilled. Its easier to accept the fear of hurting others and being hurt, and acting the bitch.

But strength comes from seeing your weaknesses and sharing them with people you care about, and opening your heart, to something more than what you allow to show on the surface, showing people the side that's not so together. And if they stick around, then that proves they are the coolest.

Having new places and new people to think about is a good way to snap yourself back into the zone you should be... you know the one... the place where you are amazing and no one else can tell you different (If they don't like it they can get lost, why would you have someone in your life that treats you like dirt anyway?). So if something comes up that scares you, seems like a hell of an uncomfortable journey, go for it... all you are leaving behind are those who want to be left.


May 16, 2010

The Secret of the Butterfly...

This is a story i felt i had to share. One of life's little reminders...

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day he saw a small opening in the cocoon. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and could go no further… so, the man decided to help the butterfly.

He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily. But, it had a swollen body, and small shriveled wings. He continued to watch the butterfly, because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to support the body, which would contract in time. Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It was never able to fly.

What he had done in his well intentioned kindness and haste and what he did not understand, was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required to get through the tiny opening were God’s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

Sometimes, struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If nature allowed us to go through our life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as we could have been, and we could never fly.

Good times ahead everyone. Just remember theres a reason for everything... and its always a good one!


May 3, 2010

How dominant should a guy be in a relationship... or every girl wants a white knight

Take 'blue-eyed guy'... im going to call him that because his other nickname is just too mean. I met him at bar through mutual friends. He seemed nice, a little young for me but only by a year or so. It was his eyes that did it. I'm a sucker for a pair of baby blues and his are dark blue and twinkle like big stars when he grins. I let him take my number mid-conversation flow.... first big mistake!, I should have waited until we at least stood up first. We went to leave and i found that he was at least 2 inches shorter than me. Yes, yes i know height isnt everything and i was wearing mega call-girl heels that night, but 2inches!!

To alleviate the pain of this and to give him a sporting chance... i searched everywhere in the shops for a pair or sexy flats to wear for our 'first date'. Conclusion - there are no such things as 'sexy flats'. Ok then, heels it is. In honour of that decision i decided to go all out and wear my new, deliciously sexy, over the knee boots, teamed a cute nautical date dress (that could be considered a shirt by some but sod it who cares), some dangly earring and a few well placed curles to volumize my hair.... one last look in the mirror confirmed i should have been wearing a warning sign saying 'too hot to handle'. Maybe it was overkill for a first date with a guy that probably wont see ever again, but girl has to look good right? And you never know who you might meet. Rule no.1, always be prepared.
But i should have known better. From the get go it was a non-starter. I just couldn't get past the height issue. I love that feeling of being safe with my guy, and if i can see over the top of his head how can he protect me from anything? I kept wanting to pat his head like his big sister.
You see the man in the relationship has to have the illusion of courage and power, or at least some sort of dominance. Otherwise the relationship runs the risk role reversal, where she ends up wearing the trousers after losing respect and confidence in him as a man. Some women don't mind short men as this doesn't trigger an automatic loss of respect, but for me it doesn't sit well with my notion of a guy that can take care of me. Its what i'm not attracted to and i can't change that despite all those really cool guys out there that just don't make it to the 6ft mark.
Still i tried but the crunch came when he came to kiss me and i had to lean down to meet his lips. Ewww factor big time. Hastily made my excuses and ran for it.
But its not just height... there are other factors too. I've dated a guy who had issues with drugs and drinking. Watching him break someone's arm because the guy look at you or sitting in some strangers house while he deals coke made me feel vulnerable and scared. Even though he was taller than me, and stronger in every way... his lack of self control or willpower made me feel unsafe.
At the end of the day the guy you choose has to be able to gain your trust and induce the right attractors to make you feel comfortable around him. Its a fine line really and i have asked myself...
where does "dominance start to be become a weakness?"
In this age of equality, women want to be treated the same as men. but theres a catch. We also want to be respected as women. Its confusing for a guy right? how dominant should i get with her. If i relent will she see that as a sign of weakness or will she think i'm a cold, callus bastard?
No man wants to see contempt or even worse disappointment in the eyes of a girl he's trying to love. Its like a hand of death. He wants to be your white knight, and if a girl admires him he will do anything to keep that admiration.
Being a girl i can vouch and say that boys most of the time you'll get it wrong because you think theres a magic formula to get her to adore you. There isn't.... Its a case of understanding her fears and not taking her questions or insecurity as a personal sleight on you but not letting her walk all over you either. Thats when she will realise you are her rock and the adoration will come naturally, when she can depend on you to always be the same strong foundation, whatever the weather.
So the questions remains, what is the right amount of dominance in relationships? Well in my opinion a guy can push beyond what he thinks of as being too dominant, as long as it doesn't infringe on her rights...
1. Not being afraid to physically show you are present - theres a difference between man-handling her and being firm. Holding her waist, touching briefly upper arm, leading her to your destination by the hand, gently pulling her hair back while you kiss... these gestures tell her you are in the room and are confident enough to close that gap in personal space without being asked.
2. Asserting your opinion and sticking to it - If its important to you don't relent, but don't be a bully and give her the silent treatment afterward. You've made your point, now drop it. Otherwise its like the male version of nagging. Reward her for listening to you or she'll just start to avoid causing any clash in the future for fear of you retreating into your shell.
3. Being a leader and making choices for both of you - the small choices though, not the big ones. Its nice when you decide on the restaurant or what colour dress she looks better in, but not deciding on who her friends should be or where you should live.
4. Looking out for her and taking her side - loyalty is important for making a girl feel safe. She has to know you've got her back whatever happens, against friends, against family etc. At least be neutral. Your her champion remember...
5. Being confident enough to hold your own in her environment- don't get cocky and showoff or be rude to her friends as a way to hide your 'out of your depth feeling' and don't stick by her side all night either. Find a couple of people you know to chat with and just don't get too drunk so that she can have the freedom to relax and let loose.
6. And lastly don't hesitate - just do it, say it and be it already. very very attractive quality.

Apr 15, 2010

The key to happiness...

... is right where you are standing.

I was told that once by a close friend of mine when i called him to have my daily rant about all the wrongs in my life and how if i just moved to another country it would all be so much better!

And as always he was right. We all go through dark periods, or times when we feel hurt, or others disappoint us so much we react badly. And its perfectly natural to blame someone else or even to blame yourself. But the key to really moving on from every set back, being happy, confident and successful, is to forgive, understand and accept... in that order.

And anyone can do this any time, anywhere, whatever the situation. And here are some exercises that can help:

1) The art of appreciation: I love writing lists. Many people think its a complete waste of time writing things down because you can keep the list in your head... wrong. The action of writing words actually sets off a chain of recognition in your brain, almost at sub-conscious level, to bring your attention the points on your list more often than not. In other words, you write it - you notice it. So with that in mind (no pun intended!) the best way to appreciate what you already have is to write a huge, detailed list once a week of everything you have to be thankful for. Break down each category (career, love, family, social etc) into a multitude of great things you have right now to enjoy, and then further flesh these out to say why you enjoy them.

2) Pivoting your pov: anything and everything that happens in your life, whether you caused it or someone else did to you can be pivoted. Its a great technique for seeing the silver lining in everything or realising that 'everything is a good thing'. Imagine that how you feel about a situation is like a coin. There are two sides- one bad and one good. Its easy and logical that the bad side makes you feel... well crap and the the good side makes you feel wonderful, so if you know that to be a fact, and you can control which side of the coin you experience just by flipping it. Choose to believe or focus on only the positive thoughts or outcomes of the situation. Tell yourself why its the best thing since sliced bread. How does it benefit you? Realise its never going to be worse that this, and truly you've lost only what you allow. Each situation teaches you something... at least you won't have to learn it again next time round. If nothing be happy for your clarity.

3) Be good company: I can't stand to be around myself when im moping. I'm actually quite boring and tiring to even myself, let alone other people. Knowing what you're worth is a perfect place to start so write a page on your good qualities and why you're an amazing person, or soon to be... then dump the saddo you've become in favour of the new you. Refuse to grieve/mope/moan any longer as you deserve some better company than that! and whatever brings you down will never be enough to waste your life over. Focus on knowledge that when you're positive, confident, appreciative, like who you are and can forgive the actions you've taken to get to this point, others will also like you and forgive you too. Anything that is dynamic and moving and inspiring is attractive, and 'like attracts like'... so if you want inspiring, happy, great friends/people around, the change starts with you.

4) Set personal goals: Having something to aim for is fundamental to your mental health. You can set daily, weekly, yearly or even lifetime goals to inspire you to act. They can range from stupid things like '7 dates in 7 days' to real skills like 'learn spanish' (the former i've actually been committed to do next month!). Better to get a group of friends and set goals together that each achieve something for one person. So say your friend is wanting to lose weight... together you can set a goal to join the local pole dancing class and aim to be able to hold your own weight off the ground by christmas. You'll have fun thinking up strange and wonderful goals and seeing them pan out over time (and if you're interested i have an online group starting next month so email me if you want to join!).

5) See the bigger picture: my housemate has converted me to being able to watch horror. Now if you know me you would understand Lisa does not watch/enjoy/like anything scary in the movie world. However i am now able to watch 'Supernatural' without hiding behind a pillow or screaming and having nightmares every night. How? Well its only because i KNOW the two heroes in the series (who are very hot i might add) are still alive in series 3/4 and we are only watching series 1. So the bigger picture tells me all will be ok, well and most importantly the main characters don't die (especially Dean, with the long-lashed, blue eyes and 2 day old stubble smile i can't get enough of). How does this apply to life? Well if each setback or shit-hits-the-fan drama in your life is the creepy ghost per episode, it only stands to reason that as the main character you will survive and live for another series. Losing your job, lover or loved one is not the end of the world like it may seem at the peak of emotion. As always this too shall pass....

Right time to sign off get back to my own show.

But heres a little Jensen Ackles (aka Dean from Supernatural) to keep you toasty until next time....

Luv ya


Apr 6, 2010

Im the girl guys sleep with before The One...

... like in that film "Good Luck Chuck" (without the sexy jessica alba above of course).

Its happened to every ex-lover or ex-boyfriend of mine so far. They get with me its great. But after me they meet that girl, the one who could be "The One". I'm like the last wild sex act before they commit, only they don't know it at the time. Its only after when they call me to tell me they're happily married/engaged/in-love that it dawns on me. And tonight it hit me after it happened with a guy who pretty much told me that it never would when i told him of my track record... maybe im cursed?

Of course i know im joking. After my initial crying myself to sleep at the news im pretty much ok about it. Im actually really happy for him, and for all of the other guys out there that have slept with me and found love too ;) Truth is these men were never for me. And i wouldn't want them to lose out on something good just to keep me from getting upset.

Of all my ex-lovers and ex-boyfriends, i've never wanted to keep in touch with any of them after. Mainly because there was too much emotion or attraction. I'm glad to say that the last guy, i very much want to still be able to talk to one day... and im sitting here with a smile on my face while i write this. Of all the men i know, he's the one that deserved to find that someone the most. It took a lot of courage for him to tell me and im glad he did and just wish one day i could tell him this for real. But for now, while he needs me to go away... this blog will have to do.

And possibly i shouldn't tell guys that going out with me will lead them to love. They'd probably all run for the hills? ... or would they ;)

All i know is i am not going to do a chuck and test this theory on some super fat, ugly bloke!


Apr 5, 2010

The art of letting go of a guy...

I'm not very good at this... I have to really and truly believe someone is a bad person for me to let them go. It's worse when its a guy i care about, the one who always redeems himself at the final straw. I'm a sucker for seeing the best in people. And i always seem to get hurt trying to make them see it too, giving second chances over and over again.

But me im like a lot of girls. We just can't separate our feelings. Its like our brains are a classic family sunday dinner plate - all the feelings are piled high and mixed up, no boundaries between the types of thoughts, in fact everything just one brown mess. At work its hard to leave behind our day dreams of love, during sex we start to drift into musings about our wardrobe... we just can't compartmentalize. Not the way men do.

And as product of our entangled minds, we find it hard to move things about. Its not easy to put that guy out of your mind for a few months, and then pick up where you left off when it suits. We can only put to bed thoughts and feelings that have run their course completely - so for a meaningful friendship or relationship to end... we girls usually have to get hurt beyond repair before we will finally let go with no intention of ever looking back.

After talking to a lot of guys about this topic, i can see this is not the way it happens for a man. You see his brain is like one of those tv dinner trays... loads of little compartments for each type of thought. And when he's indulging in work, nothing else exists, and likewise for the company he keeps. And guys also have this hidden compartment where they can hide thoughts and feelings for weeks, months, years even from their own consciousness. And when a certain situation doesn't sit with a guy and its not his priority right now, he can utilise this hidden part of his brain to forget the situation while he focuses on the moment in front of him. This does mean that if those feelings are strong, that when they do eventually surface, he will have to deal with the emotions he suppressed a while ago (this explains those men that always come back too late). But most guys just stick everything in there (meaningful or not) and sometimes they never surface.

What this does mean is that guys don't let things go like women think they do.

How many times have i heard a girl say "but he acts like he doesn't care. how can he be so cold after we were so close". Its because he hasn't let it go in the way women let things go. When a girl decides to finally let go, its because she is left with no other choice. She'll never see him in the same way ever again. The feelings she had have been killed for good and theres no going back. But a man finds it easy to let go, because in essence hes not, he's just not thinking about it anymore, and so doesn't exist.

As a girl who knows this, i've tried to use the man-technique and 'not think' about my feelings, but my brain being a pile of mush means that the feeling/thought is not hidden very well and on days when im feeling like the world is out to get me (in my well as 'Mars/Venus' expert John Gray would say)... it all just merges into one big emotion. Then all i want to do is sit on my bed/sofa and watch sad movies until i cry my heart out.

This is when transference happens, and if something you felt you didn't care about last week emerges, suddenly it becomes the most important thing in the world. And say you just had a bad day at work, or your cat died.... all your hurt transfers to something thats been bobbing just beneath the surface, say an old flame didn't text you back, and BANG, he was the love of your life and you just can't live without him! Its only after you've had a bath, done your make-up and gone out drinking with a friend... you look good, and you know it, and you're back to your confident, sassy self... that you realise just how pathetic you were about 3 hours ago when u hid under the duvet with a pillow to hug, mascara running down your face.

Sometimes it sucks to be a girl....
But remember at least when we do walk away from something, be that a crap job, an old flame or a bad friend, we don't look back with regrets.

Mar 20, 2010

My guide to 'dating' when you're nearly 30...

This is what every girl should aspire to have at 30...

ok so i know everything in a girls life is not about your walk-in, crammed to the hilt, designer wardrobe... but it comes close! For me, looking at all the things i have right now (such as doing a little happy dance in my imaginary walk-in, crammed to the hilt, designer wardrobe) reminds me that "i made it!" - I have independence (my own money), power (a great career), style (of course), social status (lots of good friends and places to take them to), romance (a lover or two if i want one) and i have all this without needing anyone.

Not to brag but i do, i love my life right now. And the best thing is that im not even close to being 'in love' - the way i feel right now can last forever, because its not reliant on anyone but me.... And you know how good that feels? It feels amazing! And even if i got pregnant and had to leave my job and lovely london and move back with my parents (god i hope not),then at least i did it and lived the life so many of my married friends are jealous of.

Still its not been a journey without tears. I've come out of losing love (quite a few times), i've come from a place where i've really hated my job, or had no money what so ever... and its hard to see out of your own mess, the one that is still a comfort to you because its what you know, even though you hate it.

But theres always a way through the mess... and first step is visualising the way you want your life to be and living as though you already have it (then of course going out and getting it!) Of course its harder than it looks. Of the things that used to hold me back, the main obstacle was a stupid 'fear' of losing what 'little' i had when taking the risk to look for something more. I also used to (and still do to an extent) not believe in myself. And above all wanted someone to fix everything for me (like my bf).

Its the society we live in that makes the last one 'a sure thing', believing everything will get better if we just find 'The One'.

What a load of crap.

Things get harder surely... because not only do you have to sort out your own problems, on top of all that you have to worry about someone else. Love is a double-edged sword... which don't get me wrong is so amazing when you find intense passion and attraction equally in someone else, but its also a delicate balance of emotions, time and energy. And you have to have a full bank of all these things just to get started, never mind keeping the fires burning.

Now im getting older (and wiser?) i agree with the men at least. When the time comes i will settle down (its inevitable) but right now i just can't see it. I love my freedom and want to enjoy it before the nappies and the late nights appear. And i'm only ever able to see a guy have potential enough to become part of my immediate future when i've started to trust him enough to open up my heart. Which happens rarely with me... in fact has happened only once in the last five years (and sadly he didnt deserve it).

So dating when you're no longer in your 20s... how does it work?
Dating as you get older has taught me men can be more hassle than they're worth, so they have to be worth it... 100% worth all that heartache and drama once dating becomes 'something more'.

Someone asked me once 'do you want me or do you just want a boyfriend'....
i didn't know the answer at the time because i wanted him to be my boyfriend - both seemed the same thing. Now time has passed and i don't see him that way anymore, i realise i definitely do not just want a boyfriend. The reason i persisted so much with him was because he was the person that i wanted to be with, despite his flaws... 'he had me at hello' you might say. But you're right in thinking that feeling doesn't come along very often. And in my experience its either there at the start (theres something about them you just can't put your finger on) or its not.

So if thats the case should you date? Well one should only date, for dating's sake, if you feel you don't know how to date, or never seem to meet anyone. Dating can open your eyes... shows you there are always guys out there (plenty) if you 'just want (or need) a boyfriend', and it helps you define your preferences. But dating has its limits, and after the initial 'thrill' of dating multiple potential suitors... you just, well, get bored. Especially if you're confident to know you can easily get a boyfriend if you want one, and you know what you want.

In fact.... *shock & horror* im not dating anymore (prob why i've stopped posting on this blog, as i have nothing new to say on the subject til now - mind on other things). I've got to a point where i can spot a great guy almost immediately, so dating for dating's sake has become an ex-hobby of mine. I just have better things to do.... and i don't want a guy trying to change me or demanding some (or all) of my time, or taking up my emotional energy just now (in otherwords a boyfriend without the 'you had me at hello' feeling). He'd just do my head in...

So on that note, let me say this to all the women out there approaching 30 who 'feel' they need or want a guy in their lives, or still thinking about dating for dating's sake:

1. Women come in to their sexual peak at 29-35.... we have soooo much more to look forward to (and if its just sex you're missing see pt.5!)

2. Women can have children on their own. Men have to find a decent girl if they want kids... in other words who cares about your ticking clock? Freeze your eggs or find a donor if you're that desperate

3. Dating guys you aren't attracted to costs time an effort. If you don't think his bald patch and needy midnight texts are cute now... you are probably never going to. And if you settle, you'll only leave him later.

4. If you do date guys you are attracted to, don't put all your eggs in one basket. When are you ever going to be free, gorgeous (and rich) enough to do this again?

5. Its ok to have one night stands with your exes. Afterall they don't count and you know it'll be good (should be if you're even thinking about going back there again)

6. Don't text back if you don't want to. Its not rude, its being economical. And heres a tip. if you respond, even to be polite, he thinks you're interested. And remember how you felt when a guy who wasnt just kept stringing you along...

7. Spend about 60-70% of your free time pampering yourself. You have the money now, so go book that spa day, buy those amazing clothes, get your hair done (eyebrows, nails, [insert high-maintenance body part here]), and go out and have fun (not trawl around looking for men, they only take your money anyway and you'll end up watching dvds on the sofa in your gym gear together most saturday nights when you finally find one)

8. Try not get drawn into discussions or whine about with your gfs 'how much you want a man' or 'how all men are bastards (they are not and most are great to flirt with when you're bored)'
9. Wherever you go make sure you look fabulous (you can afford to spend hours getting ready right?), when you are in the room you are in the room, don't let your mind wander, dont worry about looking stupid (older you are the more you get away with it) and that smile (afterall everyone wants to be you... married women want your freedom, younger girls want your experience, and girls who need men to buy them drinks wish they had a smidgen of your ambition so they could afford to buy their own).

10. And lastly a great friend of mine (who is italian so has a very different outlook on life) is always saying to me 'men are just details, why bother about them? nice to have but should be the last thing you think about no?'


p.s im not 30.... yet

Feb 3, 2010

"My control drama is..." or "anger management for dummies"

When i rant about something i end to go on and on. Tonight, having dinner with Marshall was no exception. I was tired and very tense at the end of my tirade. He told me to 'chill'. I hate being told what to do, especially what to feel. I found myself getting defensive, interrogating him, asking him... well no telling him 'hey look i was just having a bad day'. Ok that he understood. He relaxed into an easy smile, open and understanding, and asked if he could help.

I sighed "You can't help me. Only i can change the way i feel about things." I felt like i was being brave and adult. Aware that this 'bad day' was all my own making.
Marshall never judges me, but this time he held up his hands like he was giving up. i was a lost cause. "oh well bless you then" and started laughing more loudly. I told him to shut up, but as soon as i said it i grinned too. I wanted to hit him and hug him at the same time.

"I'm angry all the time." I admitted to him, annoyed that i didnt know how to get past these pent up emotions without taking it out on those around me. Marshall nodded and winked the cheeky way he does sometimes. "Hey im the same. Why do you think we're attracted as friends? I see myself in you, so i understand you. But you know anger is caused by your frustration at wasted energy. All it takes someone to try to control you, take energy from you, and it traps you into giving it to them unwillingly. You don't like it so you get angry."
"Ok, but how do i go from feeling normal to suddenly wanting to bend iron?" It cant just be frustration surely?
"Well it starts by you blaming yourself because they make you feel bad. Then you blame them instead for making you feel that way in the first place. The negative energy has nowhere to go but outwards towards them. Strangely you are still giving that person your attention, even if it is negative, so they get what they want... your energy, your time, your focus. Because their behaviour gets them what they want, subconciously they may keep on doing it. We do what works, and so a cycle begins. Overall its your anger that fuels the fire without you realising it."

I understood energy was the same as attention but i wasn't clear on how someone could trap you into giving them your energy. "Ok, so how to other people trap you into the cycle in the first place?" It was a simple question i know as there are many ways to make people angry. But it wasnt examples of stupid or provoking behaviour i wanted. I needed more definition. A theory.

In all seriousness, thinking of the right words, he leaned back and raised an eyebrow with an air of authority (something i've never been able to do no matter how many times ive practiced in a mirror!). Marshall knew what kind of answer i was looking for, and of course he delivered.
"Ok, well you know about the four control dramas right?" I nodded. I did. Control dramas are the acts we perform that manipulate attention from other people... a way to be in control.

He started to tick them off on one hand. "Intimidation, Interrogation, aloofness and.."

"Poor me?" I add.

"Yes exactly. In fact everyone has a dominant control drama, one of the four, in their life that they fall back into out of habit. Its up to us to recognise it, become aware of it and recondition ourselves to act in a different way. One that isn't controlling. For instance, which one do you think you are?"

I pondered this question carefully, mainly because i'd never realised one was more dominant. "But i think i've used them all in the past." I admitted... a little regretfully because they are not nice things to use on other people no matter what the situation. Most of the time i don't even know i'm acting in this way because i can't see past how i feel at that time, and i always have an excuse that i tell myself to justify it all.

"Yes of course everyone uses all four dramas, but there is one that is used the most by you. Look to your parents. What do they use, or more exact what did they use towards you when you were young? Your dominant control drama is usually fixed when you are young by those who bring you up."

Now this i could see. Funny how you can see the flaws of others more readily than yourself isnt it? I told him what i thought their dramas were when i was younger, and what they were now.

Immediately he had the answer. "You will be the opposite then, so your main drama is 'aloofness'."
I was about to disagree, because i thought i was probably either 'poor me' or 'intimidator' from recent crossfires between those close to me. But looking back i'm actually very aloof, and a lot of people say this about me more than anything else. In fact no one has ever said i intimidate them or that i play the role of a victim. I'm always being told that i'm very closed, distant, and hard to get to know. Sheepishly i smiled and nodded. He had my control drama spot on.

"Yes! yes you are haha! like that time you were avoiding me for weeks and weeks when you thought i was upset with you and you were angry at me.... and when i finally got hold of you, you were like 'I wasnt avoiding you. What do you mean? i was just busy and this and that. Dont get so upset'. Can you see? the dominant control drama is very easily changed into the others when you are not aware. You switched from aloofness to interrogation when your aloofness didnt work anymore. Which is why you think you have all four. You do, but they are linked to the dominant one, and in such a way that once you get rid of it, your aloofness, the rest will go too." He grinned, glad he was right. I had to admit he had me pegged, and I very much wanted to (playfully) shove him off his chair. Honestly. Its like being teased by a annoying big brother.

I grumbled. "Hmmm.... I guess you're right. Recently i argued with a friend, and instead of making it up or talking about it, i wanted to avoid it so didnt mention it again and contacted her a little less than usual. It seems when anything bad happens or i don't want to deal with it.... my way of controlling the situation is to leave it all together."

"But" I added. "though i can't tolerate people who are 'poor me' or ' interrogator' types... naturally they either get me angry (intimidator) or i shut them off and get all distant (aloofness). I don't think im like that with people who are also 'aloof', like me. They tend to get me curious at first, maybe little frustrated with lack of communication, as a last resort i may get interrogator like. Thats kinda like nagging right? Still i find im more tolerant of people who are 'aloof', or i get angry with them less."

Marshall took a sip of his tea. "Well of course. We are attracted to people we understand. You understand 'aloofness' because it is your main way of controlling. However if someone is better at it than you it also becomes a challenge and if you are sucked into the drama... it is always the opposite tact that you will adopt to try to gain control again. With aloof people you act 'interrogator' to get attention and as you know first hand they just shut you out even more... and 'poor me' types turn you into an 'intimidator' to retaliate back when they use their drama to make you feel bad for them."

I frowned. I didnt like being sucked in to drama or making people angry. Other people made me angry and i ended up annoyed with myself for losing my rag and annoyed with them for causing me to lose it. I asked him how to avoid such a situation happening. I didn't want to be controlled but i didnt want to try and control others either.

"Just be aware and it will stop. As soon as you recognise your behaviour and theirs, you will become more understanding of why they are acting this way and more open to allow your attention to freely move towards them. After all thats all they want. Then, and only then will you not feel anger. The anger builds because you do not want to give. You are resisting it."

"But isnt that giving in?" I wondered.

"Nope. It is like being more evolved. Like a parent with a child, and knowing that the only way to move forward is through your maturity to see beyond the fight between you. When two kids fight over a toy, neither one can see that there is no point in fighting over the toy. They both want it and will act like spoilt children to get it. Throwing tantrums in a way." His eyes creased up in the corners as he said this, looking knowingly at me! "It is only when one is an adult that they can see that the toy is meaningless and can give it to the child and make him happy or brush aside the tantrum itself with a little patience and understanding, as ultimately it will never deteriorate their love for the child."

I sat for a minute taking this in and suddenly felt tired. I must have looked it because Marshall shook his head. "Its difficult to do all the time, to be aware. I still get angry with others a lot.... "
"but of course" He gave a heartfelt sigh that said life was indeed hardwork "... you know thats because i'm always right!" His sudden stupid grin was infectious and i suddenly knew why i would always feel good around Marshall.

He always knew how to make me laugh. And I did.

"Yes! So being aware is the first step, but laughing is also good!" He chuckled loudly like he does while i was still laughing and the whole restaurant looked over at us doubled up over nothing. Sometimes its like that with Marshall. We just laugh.

Jan 20, 2010

Communications Barriers Part 1 - 'Understanding women, their need to talk and what they want'

Theres an issue/drama/miscommunication.... whatever. The first thing that happens? Women get upset, and the one thing they want to do is talk about it.

Why? Well it makes us feel better... And by talking about a problem and how we feel, we think that we'll eventually understand what went wrong in the first place. Its also about about having a safe space to open up, be understood and trust the other person not to punish us for being honest about our fears.

Men, as most of you know, deal with their emotions internally. Its not often a guy will call up his friends to 'talk' about how he feels. In fact most men find this type of analytical approach draining and if he's an emotionally stunted individual he'll call it 'drama' and avoid it all together.

Still even if he's a cool guy and willing to listen, its not fair to take him on the same rollercoaster ride of emotions as we experience it. 1. He wont be able to follow your breakneck speed of processing everything at once and will get confused. And 2. He'll either shut down completely or try an placate you with the phrase "i'll do what you want".

Killer that isnt it Girls?

So part 1 of this article is written for men on 'understanding women' and how not to get to the 'upset' part in the first place. Hopefully some of it will stick.

Rule 1. Simply to women... 'everything has a meaning'

Men let me explain. Why she feels the need to talk is because (stupidly) she has given a whole range of reasons to every action you do (or don't do) and a double meaning behind everything you say (or don't say). Women just do this... don't ask why.

If for any reason she is feeling low/emotional (say time of the month or bad day at work) then that reason may turn out to be negative one. After a while the negative reasons build up, proving to her in a way you'll never understand, that you don't love her or care for her, until she needs you to reassure her with a 'talk' to make her feel better...

An example of this negative association:

Her: hey so do you need me to pick you up from the airport?
Him: what? oh no its ok now, John will drive up
Her: oh ok... are you sure
Him: yeah its fine. Don't trouble yourself.

*In her mind the reason is you either don't want to see her and spend time with her or don't think she can do the job as good as john.

Now all this anxiety on her part can be dispersed by simply adding the reason in yourself straight away:

Her: hey so do you need me to pick you up from the airport?
Him: what? oh no its ok now. John will drive up, but only because i know you have work in the morning and as much as i'd love to see you, i may be a bit grumpy after the flight and i'd hate for you to have to deal with me when i'm like that.

Her: oh of course, i understand. I just wanted to see you.
Him: I know. We'll do something when i get back ok.

So if you don't give her a meaning she will look for one or make one out of thin air or even worse... her girlfriends will tell what the meaning is and it'll be 100x worse that the real reason (and thats when you need to be digging your grave).

Rule 2. Never say "I'll do what you want"

I understand men want to make women happy. And that means finding out what they want and giving it to them right? So asking a girl "what do you want?" and then doing it seems like the best solution to the problem....

Wrong. It will never work because again she will assign a reason to that type of behaviour and if she is feeling low/emotional at the time (and usually when guys reach this point the girl is a mess of tears and stuff) then she will give it a negative reason. That reason is 'he doesn't care what he does because he doesn't really care about me'...

Ok thats a hard one. To a guy its logical. Its what you'd love to hear a girl say to you... but seriously you're putting what you'd want on her and expecting her to like it. Women need to feel that the guy cares and if you push all the responsibility of 'what to do'... whether it be a simple thing like what movie to see or something serious like staying friends after a breakup... she will see that as you don't. Because for women, taking responsibility requires effort, and effort to understand her and know her well means you care a hell of a lot.

So how do you find out what to do? And i know you don't because so many times a guy has said to me "I can't win!"... My advice is to tell her what you want (with reasons!) and then let her decide if she wants to go along with it or not.

Rule 3. Don't punish her or take it personally if she wants to tell you how she feels about the relationship

Some men have this habit of thinking they are 'easy-going' or 'laid-back'. To women this feels like they are cold and distant, cut off from their feelings. They'll punish a girl by saying comments like 'oh just chill out', 'stop nagging' or 'don't worry so much'.... and even worse just avoid her or refuse to engage, staring at her behind a mask of complete aloofness. This type of guy shifts the blame of the issue on to the girl by making her feel that she is 'wrong' to get so upset and that she is causing 'unnecessary drama'.

Sometimes that is the case... women can be drama queens i agree. But its all about balance. If she has shown to be understanding in the past, tolerated difficult behaviour from you on numerous occasions, then a drama queen she isn't. Talk in a relationship should be more than just about fun or sex and shouldn't be taken as a criticism by him when she is only expressing her fears.

Without going into detail on how to deal with her emotions on a mature level... I'll leave you with an article on the 3 signs of a healthy mature man. It should give you some tips on what women are looking for and its written by a guy of course so im hoping it will make more sense to the male brain than my girly chatter.

Right enough beating up the men ;) part 2 will attempt to understand why guys do what they do and will follow shortly... stay tuned.


Jan 12, 2010

The real reason why women flake...

So one minute everything is going well and you manage to hook a first/second date with that girl you really like. You're texting, flirting, looking forward to seeing how far she'll let you go when u finally meet... and then like a lightbulb (or an oven) she no longer seems turned-on and interested, and even worse she cancels or flakes out on your date.

So what went wrong?

Boys, quite simply.... she has no emotional investment in you - the only reason a girl would continue to spend time on any guy, despite how much attraction you're pulling.

Let me explain... us girls, we love to talk and 'connect'. Something almost akin to a myth among men that they often mistake having a connection with doing either of the following:

'relentless grilling in the quest to know everything about her' (boring)

'uninvited sexual flirting that makes her skin crawl' (slimey/gross)


ditch the 'connection' side of things and hope that by not texting/flirting before the date she'll still want to meet.

In all cases forget it. I'll give you some examples:

The 'i cant be bothered to create a connection' technique

A guy i met once contacted me after he got back from travelling. We were in contact when he was away but to be honest his emails were so 'today we went skiing and saw the indigenous monkeys that lived in the undergrowth of blah, blah..' that shamefully i used to delete them before i read them just to have free space in my inbox again.

Anyway he got back and text me to straight away to meet up. I remembered he was cute and said 'cool' as at the time i was willing give him a chance and to re-acquaint myself with his personality. Me, i like to 'look forward' to meeting a guy and that means i want to have a smile on my face when his name pops up in my messages. Only i never got to a 'smile' with him... more of a half cheek twitch that is kinda like a silent 'meh' only with less effort.

His mistake was no matter how much i tried to keep flirty banter going on msn or email, he cut it short everytime. In the end even i did not know why i had agreed to meet up when the time came and was unwilling to waste an evening with someone who didn't seem to want to indulge in some lighthearted flirting with me in any shape or form. It was like a blind date only worse cos i was worried that i hadn't forgotten his personality... maybe he just didn't have one?

The 'do you know what i want to do to you' technique:

Another example is a close friend of mine met a guy who seemed really nice. She was initially attracted to him and actually was looking forward to setting another date, when a few days later he asked her if she wanted to know what he was thinking about. The conversation had been about weekend so she wasn't prepared for him to get sexual without her initiating that sort of chat first. She said 'sure' and regretted it almost immediately when he proceeded to tell her in glorious detail what he wanted to do to her right now. She was at work and it was 10am and she hadn't even kissed this guy yet. It was an immediate turn off.

The 'question tennis or i'm practicing to be a hairdresser' technique

Guys who want to date me have this really bad habit of adding me on msn and then grilling me non-stop about my life. I get so bored i tend to switch off and revert to one word answers. If i want to talk about myself i would ping a friend or write in my blog. It usually starts with 'how are you' and the they move on to ask about work, your house, your brother and sister, your pet hamster, your msn status, your weekend, your holiday... and politely you end up saying 'lol' or 'u?' so the poor guy isn't just talking to himself.

One guy actually persisted every day for over a year until he finally asked for my phone number. Sometimes i feel bad that i'm not giving these nice guys a chance so in this instance i actually did. Weeks later he was still texting the same style of text over and over - the kind that i find i stop reading they are so boring and never have time to answer.

"how are you. did you have a good weekend/holiday/new year. fancy meeting up?"

To his credit he was persistant... but nothing he said made me laugh or made me feel good. He was asking a question only friends and family could ask and get away with it. Put it this way.... im only going to spend the required minutes telling a 'real' friend how i was and if i had a good holiday or whatever because they've invested time and effort and we've shared many nice memories together. If a guy i've met once or twice and emailed a few times gets my number he is not a friend, he is a potential 'date' and so does not get that sort of treatment straight away. He has to earn my interest enough to give a decent and honest reply otherwise its similar situation to when you're stuck in the lift with a colleague at work - you start a conversation about the weather to be polite... but really you don't care to know the answer and just want to listen to your ipod.

So how can you create an 'emotional investment' so she will be looking forward to the date?

1) Keep it kid-level and light-hearted. Don't ask her any 'meaning of life' questions that require a serious answer too soon, not unless u want to develop a friendship. She has plenty of 'real' friends to talk to about that stuff and later you can inch into that as a padding out of the relationship. For now, in the initial stages, you're there to provide a fun, flirty distraction from the mundane everyday so she'll associate you with good times. You don't have to be a comedian and make jokes, but try chatting about topics that are 'abstract' and 'interesting', like fun facts, stupid/weird things you see, random links, making choices, picture messages, challenges etc

2) Don't initiate anything 'naughty' in your chat unless you've already slept together, or at least kissed. Especially if she hasn't taken the conversation there herself, try not to make suggestions like 'dress code: as little as possible' or 'cocktails: screaming orgasms'. Not that these are instant turn-offs but it makes a girl think 'ok now im not so sure about you'. This is because if you're not careful words to that effect can alert a girl on her 'guy who is only after one thing' radar and she'll wonder if you think shes so easy that you have the balls to say that to her and expect a reply. Even worse is when a guy goes all out and starts telling her his fantasies.... like what were you thinking? Text of course makes it less awkward to say stuff but if you couldn't say it to her face then don't say it at all.

Of course to keep from ending up in the friends zone she has to know you find her attractive and want to sleep with her still. There are ways to make your admiration known, like calling her 'sexy' or 'gorgeous' or mentioning how hot she looks in her dress/picture... the key is to compliment at the same time. No girl can resist that ;)

3) Stay in light contact. If you want to be in the forefront of her mind and get her thinking of when she'll see you next, don't disappear for 3 weeks without a word. You need to keep the fire burning, or at least the ashes warm. Of course its good to keep it sporadic, but anything more than about 3-5 days of not hearing from you will make her anxious, and over a week is asking for trouble. Now i know everyone is busy and im not saying you need to initiate a full blown flirting phone call every 3 days.... a random text/email or pic msg is cute and fun enough to keep her chomping at the bit for more. Don't over do it either. Contact her for a few days in a row then disappear for the weekend. One night chat for a few hours on the phone, another day send her a video clip link in an email. You shouldn't spoil the mystery of who you are in the first week of meeting by being predictable or by telling her everything there is to know about you. Drip in the actual facts about yourself over time, interspersed between random flirty chats about nothing in particular. It keeps the dating fresh and interesting and she'll never know what to expect.

And finally never forget the things she tells you, try not to cancel twice in a row... and kiss her as soon as possible or risk ending up in the friends zone if you don't.


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