Mar 20, 2010

My guide to 'dating' when you're nearly 30...

This is what every girl should aspire to have at 30...

ok so i know everything in a girls life is not about your walk-in, crammed to the hilt, designer wardrobe... but it comes close! For me, looking at all the things i have right now (such as doing a little happy dance in my imaginary walk-in, crammed to the hilt, designer wardrobe) reminds me that "i made it!" - I have independence (my own money), power (a great career), style (of course), social status (lots of good friends and places to take them to), romance (a lover or two if i want one) and i have all this without needing anyone.

Not to brag but i do, i love my life right now. And the best thing is that im not even close to being 'in love' - the way i feel right now can last forever, because its not reliant on anyone but me.... And you know how good that feels? It feels amazing! And even if i got pregnant and had to leave my job and lovely london and move back with my parents (god i hope not),then at least i did it and lived the life so many of my married friends are jealous of.

Still its not been a journey without tears. I've come out of losing love (quite a few times), i've come from a place where i've really hated my job, or had no money what so ever... and its hard to see out of your own mess, the one that is still a comfort to you because its what you know, even though you hate it.

But theres always a way through the mess... and first step is visualising the way you want your life to be and living as though you already have it (then of course going out and getting it!) Of course its harder than it looks. Of the things that used to hold me back, the main obstacle was a stupid 'fear' of losing what 'little' i had when taking the risk to look for something more. I also used to (and still do to an extent) not believe in myself. And above all wanted someone to fix everything for me (like my bf).

Its the society we live in that makes the last one 'a sure thing', believing everything will get better if we just find 'The One'.

What a load of crap.

Things get harder surely... because not only do you have to sort out your own problems, on top of all that you have to worry about someone else. Love is a double-edged sword... which don't get me wrong is so amazing when you find intense passion and attraction equally in someone else, but its also a delicate balance of emotions, time and energy. And you have to have a full bank of all these things just to get started, never mind keeping the fires burning.

Now im getting older (and wiser?) i agree with the men at least. When the time comes i will settle down (its inevitable) but right now i just can't see it. I love my freedom and want to enjoy it before the nappies and the late nights appear. And i'm only ever able to see a guy have potential enough to become part of my immediate future when i've started to trust him enough to open up my heart. Which happens rarely with me... in fact has happened only once in the last five years (and sadly he didnt deserve it).

So dating when you're no longer in your 20s... how does it work?
Dating as you get older has taught me men can be more hassle than they're worth, so they have to be worth it... 100% worth all that heartache and drama once dating becomes 'something more'.

Someone asked me once 'do you want me or do you just want a boyfriend'....
i didn't know the answer at the time because i wanted him to be my boyfriend - both seemed the same thing. Now time has passed and i don't see him that way anymore, i realise i definitely do not just want a boyfriend. The reason i persisted so much with him was because he was the person that i wanted to be with, despite his flaws... 'he had me at hello' you might say. But you're right in thinking that feeling doesn't come along very often. And in my experience its either there at the start (theres something about them you just can't put your finger on) or its not.

So if thats the case should you date? Well one should only date, for dating's sake, if you feel you don't know how to date, or never seem to meet anyone. Dating can open your eyes... shows you there are always guys out there (plenty) if you 'just want (or need) a boyfriend', and it helps you define your preferences. But dating has its limits, and after the initial 'thrill' of dating multiple potential suitors... you just, well, get bored. Especially if you're confident to know you can easily get a boyfriend if you want one, and you know what you want.

In fact.... *shock & horror* im not dating anymore (prob why i've stopped posting on this blog, as i have nothing new to say on the subject til now - mind on other things). I've got to a point where i can spot a great guy almost immediately, so dating for dating's sake has become an ex-hobby of mine. I just have better things to do.... and i don't want a guy trying to change me or demanding some (or all) of my time, or taking up my emotional energy just now (in otherwords a boyfriend without the 'you had me at hello' feeling). He'd just do my head in...

So on that note, let me say this to all the women out there approaching 30 who 'feel' they need or want a guy in their lives, or still thinking about dating for dating's sake:

1. Women come in to their sexual peak at 29-35.... we have soooo much more to look forward to (and if its just sex you're missing see pt.5!)

2. Women can have children on their own. Men have to find a decent girl if they want kids... in other words who cares about your ticking clock? Freeze your eggs or find a donor if you're that desperate

3. Dating guys you aren't attracted to costs time an effort. If you don't think his bald patch and needy midnight texts are cute now... you are probably never going to. And if you settle, you'll only leave him later.

4. If you do date guys you are attracted to, don't put all your eggs in one basket. When are you ever going to be free, gorgeous (and rich) enough to do this again?

5. Its ok to have one night stands with your exes. Afterall they don't count and you know it'll be good (should be if you're even thinking about going back there again)

6. Don't text back if you don't want to. Its not rude, its being economical. And heres a tip. if you respond, even to be polite, he thinks you're interested. And remember how you felt when a guy who wasnt just kept stringing you along...

7. Spend about 60-70% of your free time pampering yourself. You have the money now, so go book that spa day, buy those amazing clothes, get your hair done (eyebrows, nails, [insert high-maintenance body part here]), and go out and have fun (not trawl around looking for men, they only take your money anyway and you'll end up watching dvds on the sofa in your gym gear together most saturday nights when you finally find one)

8. Try not get drawn into discussions or whine about with your gfs 'how much you want a man' or 'how all men are bastards (they are not and most are great to flirt with when you're bored)'
9. Wherever you go make sure you look fabulous (you can afford to spend hours getting ready right?), when you are in the room you are in the room, don't let your mind wander, dont worry about looking stupid (older you are the more you get away with it) and that smile (afterall everyone wants to be you... married women want your freedom, younger girls want your experience, and girls who need men to buy them drinks wish they had a smidgen of your ambition so they could afford to buy their own).

10. And lastly a great friend of mine (who is italian so has a very different outlook on life) is always saying to me 'men are just details, why bother about them? nice to have but should be the last thing you think about no?'


p.s im not 30.... yet


Chef Green

Beautiful! I am internalizing all of this for my gay dating at 25 handbook.
I love the Italian outlook, and I love that sense of completion that comes with a happy, single life.


After recently having my heart broken I went in and out of a loop for a while. I was sunk in total "Crisis of faith".
Recently after months of recovery I now realize that Hey I can still have all my dreams come true. So what if the day comes when I'm 32 (5years from now) and I'm still single, I can still have kids either through a donor or adoption.

Great post!!!

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