Jan 16, 2011

Should girls approach and ask a guy out?

While trawling the web for material i cam across this guy who hosts female boot camps or female pick up weekends. I actually didn't knew they existed!


The whole weekend is aimed at teaching women how to meet, flirt and attract men and how to date. Its also totally in the field. I've been on some of the ones for guys (lovesystems.com) and i've sometimes talked with guy instructors about a market for female lessons, but the general view is its a waste of time - 1) women don't need to pay to meet guys, they can date a guy if they want 2) men say they want a girl to make the first move, but in reality men need to 3) its easier to teach men to pickup as women are after relationships and men are after sex.

Now I used to be a big fan of approaching guys and making the first move. Once i'd gotten over my fear of rejection, it was easy to bite the bullet and just do it. What else did you have to lose? Of course i wouldn't walk right up to a guy and ask him out... that's way too direct. Men like to think they thought of it first. I'd just sashay up and introduce myself and ask a question or start a conversation. If he showed interest then i'd flirt a bit more, look into his eyes, smile, touch his upper arm... and if he didn't i'd have a get out clause waiting in the form of a friend or already have excused myself.

Its usually a 50/50 chance that he'd be interested and we'd swap numbers. Better odds than when guy approaches a girl, but on reflection, of all the guys i managed to successfully approach and get a date with, i've never had anything more with them than that. After trying it for two years as my strategy for dating, i can say that the pua guy instructors were right:

1) women don't need to pay to meet guys, they can date a guy if they want - Matthew Hussey the guy hosting the 'womens weekends' says that women are always saying they 'never meet guys'. Now that's not true. We do meet guys, we are harassed by men wanting to marry/date/sleep with us all the time, just not the guys we like or a guy we can see ourselves settling with. Women are more fussier than men. Its not about his looks. Its about the package. Where as men its all about the looks. If you don't appeal to guys physically he isn't going to date you. Teaching women how to flirt and approach men in street/club/library/bars may not change that, but lowering our standards might.

2) men say they want a girl to make the first move, but in reality men need to - its all about the chase and men are more likely to believe a girl worthy of the chase if he had to do all the work in the first place. Men need to feel like they are the 'hunter' in this game otherwise you run the risk of emasculating him from the start. Im the same, i prefer a guy to make the first move. call me old fashioned but shy guys turn me off. and if i can ask a guy out... then i have no respect for a guy who can't ask me out.

3) its easier to teach men to pickup as men are just after sex, while women are after relationships - yes men are a little more easier to please. Hence why there are so many successful 'how to meet and date women' sites/communities out there. They teach a guy how to widen their nets and polish their exterior enough that they appeal to women in the short-term. Their end goal is meet, attract, comfort, control and sleep with the girl. Women on the other hand need to learn different skills if its a guy they need to attract, date and keep! For one thing they need to meet men in different places to where guys can meet girls because the end goal is different. That rules out bars and clubs making approaching harder. They can't set the scene and have a fave club where they know the bar staff and all the guys there are all over here. That would put too many guys off. They can't talk about themselves all the the time and be entertaining, women need to learn to compliment, ask questions and listen, but that means the guy has to be interesting or you'll be talking about football all night. They need to totally change the way they handle men and get rid of any bad habits they might have in how they deal with emotions and not think in a negative, overly analytical manner at every text/call/or date...

So in summary, should a girl approach and ask a guy out? i think its good women get over their insecurities and try it a few times, but i don't think women should think that its the holy grail to their dating problems. I'm a big believer in working on yourself, your interests and your life will be a better investment. Being independent and not needing a guy is still the biggest attraction we have as well as our looks.

And i'm more inclined to prefer the more subtle method of getting a guy to ask you out that i've developed that always seems to work - how i got my last two boyfriends ;) Lets just say for now that its all in the eyes...

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