Should girls approach and ask a guy out?

While trawling the web for material i cam across this guy who hosts female boot camps or female pick up weekends. I actually didn't knew they existed!

http://www.gettheguy.co.uk/womens-weekend

The whole weekend is aimed at teaching women how to meet, flirt and attract men and how to date. Its also totally in the field. I've been on some of the ones for guys (lovesystems.com) and i've sometimes talked with guy instructors about a market for female lessons, but the general view is its a waste of time - 1) women don't need to pay to meet guys, they can date a guy if they want 2) men say they want a girl to make the first move, but in reality men need to 3) its easier to teach men to pickup as women are after relationships and men are after sex.

Now I used to be a big fan of approaching guys and making the first move. Once i'd gotten over my fear of rejection, it was easy to bite the bullet and just do it. What else did you have to lose? Of course i wouldn't walk right up to a guy and ask him out... that's way too direct. Men like to think they thought of it first. I'd just sashay up and introduce myself and ask a question or start a conversation. If he showed interest then i'd flirt a bit more, look into his eyes, smile, touch his upper arm... and if he didn't i'd have a get out clause waiting in the form of a friend or already have excused myself.

Its usually a 50/50 chance that he'd be interested and we'd swap numbers. Better odds than when guy approaches a girl, but on reflection, of all the guys i managed to successfully approach and get a date with, i've never had anything more with them than that. After trying it for two years as my strategy for dating, i can say that the pua guy instructors were right:

1) women don't need to pay to meet guys, they can date a guy if they want - Matthew Hussey the guy hosting the 'womens weekends' says that women are always saying they 'never meet guys'. Now that's not true. We do meet guys, we are harassed by men wanting to marry/date/sleep with us all the time, just not the guys we like or a guy we can see ourselves settling with. Women are more fussier than men. Its not about his looks. Its about the package. Where as men its all about the looks. If you don't appeal to guys physically he isn't going to date you. Teaching women how to flirt and approach men in street/club/library/bars may not change that, but lowering our standards might.

2) men say they want a girl to make the first move, but in reality men need to - its all about the chase and men are more likely to believe a girl worthy of the chase if he had to do all the work in the first place. Men need to feel like they are the 'hunter' in this game otherwise you run the risk of emasculating him from the start. Im the same, i prefer a guy to make the first move. call me old fashioned but shy guys turn me off. and if i can ask a guy out... then i have no respect for a guy who can't ask me out.

3) its easier to teach men to pickup as men are just after sex, while women are after relationships - yes men are a little more easier to please. Hence why there are so many successful 'how to meet and date women' sites/communities out there. They teach a guy how to widen their nets and polish their exterior enough that they appeal to women in the short-term. Their end goal is meet, attract, comfort, control and sleep with the girl. Women on the other hand need to learn different skills if its a guy they need to attract, date and keep! For one thing they need to meet men in different places to where guys can meet girls because the end goal is different. That rules out bars and clubs making approaching harder. They can't set the scene and have a fave club where they know the bar staff and all the guys there are all over here. That would put too many guys off. They can't talk about themselves all the the time and be entertaining, women need to learn to compliment, ask questions and listen, but that means the guy has to be interesting or you'll be talking about football all night. They need to totally change the way they handle men and get rid of any bad habits they might have in how they deal with emotions and not think in a negative, overly analytical manner at every text/call/or date...

So in summary, should a girl approach and ask a guy out? i think its good women get over their insecurities and try it a few times, but i don't think women should think that its the holy grail to their dating problems. I'm a big believer in working on yourself, your interests and your life will be a better investment. Being independent and not needing a guy is still the biggest attraction we have as well as our looks.

And i'm more inclined to prefer the more subtle method of getting a guy to ask you out that i've developed that always seems to work - how i got my last two boyfriends ;) Lets just say for now that its all in the eyes...

The real reason why women flake...

So one minute everything is going well and you manage to hook a first/second date with that girl you really like. You're texting, flirting, looking forward to seeing how far she'll let you go when u finally meet... and then like a lightbulb (or an oven) she no longer seems turned-on and interested, and even worse she cancels or flakes out on your date.

So what went wrong?

Boys, quite simply.... she has no emotional investment in you - the only reason a girl would continue to spend time on any guy, despite how much attraction you're pulling.

Let me explain... us girls, we love to talk and 'connect'. Something almost akin to a myth among men that they often mistake having a connection with doing either of the following:

'relentless grilling in the quest to know everything about her' (boring)

'uninvited sexual flirting that makes her skin crawl' (slimey/gross)

or

ditch the 'connection' side of things and hope that by not texting/flirting before the date she'll still want to meet.

In all cases forget it. I'll give you some examples:

The 'i cant be bothered to create a connection' technique

A guy i met once contacted me after he got back from travelling. We were in contact when he was away but to be honest his emails were so 'today we went skiing and saw the indigenous monkeys that lived in the undergrowth of blah, blah..' that shamefully i used to delete them before i read them just to have free space in my inbox again.

Anyway he got back and text me to straight away to meet up. I remembered he was cute and said 'cool' as at the time i was willing give him a chance and to re-acquaint myself with his personality. Me, i like to 'look forward' to meeting a guy and that means i want to have a smile on my face when his name pops up in my messages. Only i never got to a 'smile' with him... more of a half cheek twitch that is kinda like a silent 'meh' only with less effort.

His mistake was no matter how much i tried to keep flirty banter going on msn or email, he cut it short everytime. In the end even i did not know why i had agreed to meet up when the time came and was unwilling to waste an evening with someone who didn't seem to want to indulge in some lighthearted flirting with me in any shape or form. It was like a blind date only worse cos i was worried that i hadn't forgotten his personality... maybe he just didn't have one?

The 'do you know what i want to do to you' technique:

Another example is a close friend of mine met a guy who seemed really nice. She was initially attracted to him and actually was looking forward to setting another date, when a few days later he asked her if she wanted to know what he was thinking about. The conversation had been about weekend so she wasn't prepared for him to get sexual without her initiating that sort of chat first. She said 'sure' and regretted it almost immediately when he proceeded to tell her in glorious detail what he wanted to do to her right now. She was at work and it was 10am and she hadn't even kissed this guy yet. It was an immediate turn off.

The 'question tennis or i'm practicing to be a hairdresser' technique

Guys who want to date me have this really bad habit of adding me on msn and then grilling me non-stop about my life. I get so bored i tend to switch off and revert to one word answers. If i want to talk about myself i would ping a friend or write in my blog. It usually starts with 'how are you' and the they move on to ask about work, your house, your brother and sister, your pet hamster, your msn status, your weekend, your holiday... and politely you end up saying 'lol' or 'u?' so the poor guy isn't just talking to himself.

One guy actually persisted every day for over a year until he finally asked for my phone number. Sometimes i feel bad that i'm not giving these nice guys a chance so in this instance i actually did. Weeks later he was still texting the same style of text over and over - the kind that i find i stop reading they are so boring and never have time to answer.

"how are you. did you have a good weekend/holiday/new year. fancy meeting up?"

To his credit he was persistant... but nothing he said made me laugh or made me feel good. He was asking a question only friends and family could ask and get away with it. Put it this way.... im only going to spend the required minutes telling a 'real' friend how i was and if i had a good holiday or whatever because they've invested time and effort and we've shared many nice memories together. If a guy i've met once or twice and emailed a few times gets my number he is not a friend, he is a potential 'date' and so does not get that sort of treatment straight away. He has to earn my interest enough to give a decent and honest reply otherwise its similar situation to when you're stuck in the lift with a colleague at work - you start a conversation about the weather to be polite... but really you don't care to know the answer and just want to listen to your ipod.

So how can you create an 'emotional investment' so she will be looking forward to the date?

1) Keep it kid-level and light-hearted. Don't ask her any 'meaning of life' questions that require a serious answer too soon, not unless u want to develop a friendship. She has plenty of 'real' friends to talk to about that stuff and later you can inch into that as a padding out of the relationship. For now, in the initial stages, you're there to provide a fun, flirty distraction from the mundane everyday so she'll associate you with good times. You don't have to be a comedian and make jokes, but try chatting about topics that are 'abstract' and 'interesting', like fun facts, stupid/weird things you see, random links, making choices, picture messages, challenges etc

2) Don't initiate anything 'naughty' in your chat unless you've already slept together, or at least kissed. Especially if she hasn't taken the conversation there herself, try not to make suggestions like 'dress code: as little as possible' or 'cocktails: screaming orgasms'. Not that these are instant turn-offs but it makes a girl think 'ok now im not so sure about you'. This is because if you're not careful words to that effect can alert a girl on her 'guy who is only after one thing' radar and she'll wonder if you think shes so easy that you have the balls to say that to her and expect a reply. Even worse is when a guy goes all out and starts telling her his fantasies.... like what were you thinking? Text of course makes it less awkward to say stuff but if you couldn't say it to her face then don't say it at all.

Of course to keep from ending up in the friends zone she has to know you find her attractive and want to sleep with her still. There are ways to make your admiration known, like calling her 'sexy' or 'gorgeous' or mentioning how hot she looks in her dress/picture... the key is to compliment at the same time. No girl can resist that ;)

3) Stay in light contact. If you want to be in the forefront of her mind and get her thinking of when she'll see you next, don't disappear for 3 weeks without a word. You need to keep the fire burning, or at least the ashes warm. Of course its good to keep it sporadic, but anything more than about 3-5 days of not hearing from you will make her anxious, and over a week is asking for trouble. Now i know everyone is busy and im not saying you need to initiate a full blown flirting phone call every 3 days.... a random text/email or pic msg is cute and fun enough to keep her chomping at the bit for more. Don't over do it either. Contact her for a few days in a row then disappear for the weekend. One night chat for a few hours on the phone, another day send her a video clip link in an email. You shouldn't spoil the mystery of who you are in the first week of meeting by being predictable or by telling her everything there is to know about you. Drip in the actual facts about yourself over time, interspersed between random flirty chats about nothing in particular. It keeps the dating fresh and interesting and she'll never know what to expect.

And finally never forget the things she tells you, try not to cancel twice in a row... and kiss her as soon as possible or risk ending up in the friends zone if you don't.

Lx

House hunting is like dating... well sort of

I've been searching high and low for the past couple of months looking for the perfect flat in the perfect location that doesn't cost the earth. And i'm still looking...


It struck me that while this search is certainly stressful, its almost like dating: at first you're so excited about the prospect of looking around for something new, taking your own sweet time about it, enjoying the ride. Later you start to lose hope that you'll ever find anything you could see a future with, theres always one thing missing, or something just not quite right, or all the good ones are already taken. And finally you start to compromise on your expectations, taking them down a notch or two or giving up on a few essentials and settling for a place that is more comfortable than dazzling. At the end of the day you have to live there for a pretty long time, so as long as your basic needs are met, you'll probably still be happy? right?

I'm not sure, as i say i still haven't found anywhere! And as for dating, i'm learning an important lesson in the art of 'letting go', as the worst part of committing even a tiny bit towards something that has the potential to be great, is realising it will never be exactly how you want. When this happens, you just have to take a deep breath and get on with your life.

I've always believed that better things are always around the corner, and life proves me right time and time again. Every flat i've seen so far is better than the last. I'm actually getting good at sizing up the property just from the online ad. In seconds i know if its worth seeing or not. I even know what questions to ask and what is a show stopper for me. Funny that i have to go back to dating, i wonder if i'm still astute enough to 'know' if a guy is worth a couple of hours of my time or will i just want to climb out the bathroom window in the restaurant after a few hours like i have done in the past?

Here are a few of my showstoppers i've gathered over the years, and any guy that retains these lovely qualities automatically gets rejection:

- He gets smutty or rude straight away before i've even kissed him (automatic turn off!)
- He smokes or does drugs (i've dated both but its not something i want to do ever again)
- He assumes i will sleep with him and makes an issue of it (yes these guys still exist)
- He has little or no confidence in himself and i have to lead all the time (I want a white knight, not a wet blanket)
- He puts me down or teases in a negative way in order to make himself feel superior and in control
- He has no drive or ambition

Looking at these you may think, but surely they go without saying? However i think it takes a while for these kind of traits to filter through as an automatic 'no' to a girl. I've been guilty of knowing these guy are bad news, but i would still entertain them by allowing them to harass me. I used to call it 'being nice' but really its all about your ego enjoying the 'unwanted' attention. You don't have to reply to every text message or email you get or answer if he calls. Any little encouragement, even just being polite, is a red flag to a bull. Maybe its not nice to ignore a guy but for my own sanity i've had to become ruthless - and even if he seems cool, i take his number just in case i change my mind, otherwise like with house hunting..... i'd spend all my time filtering the rejects, and not enough time on the things/people that truly matter.

Be Strong and they become weak - or getting over One-itis

In every girl there is a weakness and I'm sure in every guy there is one too...

... i'm talking about that 'one' person who at this moment holds the key to your leash. They are your achilles heel.

Symptoms? Well you think about them often, and things jump out and remind you of them. You find little ways (excuses) to communicate with them, see them, talk to them, get involved in their life. You stalk them on facebook & have an rss to their twitter feed. You notice every detail about what they like and don't like. You check your phone constantly and if that message isn't from them you get annoyed. In fact it feels like you carry rejection everywhere you go...

Sound familiar? In some circles they call this 'one-itis'. Its an addiction to how this 'one' person makes you feel... nothing more. When around you feel happy, confident, comfortable, attractive, secure, etc. A dangerous state to associate with a particular person, because when they leave or are not around, guess who feels the impact in equal but negative measure? Yes, you do.

So how to combat this almost debilitating situation?

Simply find your strength. When you become the 'stronger' opponent, you are instantly in control. And they are not. This leaves them a choice of either admitting defeat and walking away or accepting the 'weaker' position (in which they can develop a stronger attraction towards you) that you previously occupied. And of course i'll explain how:

Create a little distance
In any addiction you need to wean yourself off the source. The hardest but most rewarding thing to do is create a little space between you. I call it back-leading. Don't see it as retreating, see it as soldier would see a military perfidy tactic - falsify surrender and lose a little interest in the action for a while. I don't mean give the silent treatment or become cold and aloof.... I mean get out of town for a while or find ways to become busy enough you don't have time. You could even change the dynamics of the relationship to less one level of commitment for a brief period than the status quo (e.g. from living together to living apart, from seeing each other every other day to once/twice a week, from drinking as mates every friday to missing a few in a row) This has the effect of giving you some perspective on the matter and allowing them to 'breathe' and hopefully 'miss' you. This works better if on the surface at least, the reason for down-grading is not at all to do with them.

Do the "unexpected"
If you are predictable, you can be controlled. Maybe they know you well enough to know how you will act or maybe they don't... but the fact of the matter is anyone can be predictable if the situation is such. I know if a guy is 'into' me and i text him, he will text back straight away. I know its such a chore to play games, so i'm not saying you have to sit and wait a few hours before you text back as that is predictable too if you 'always' make them wait (which has happened to me and i actually stopped bothering to text because i didn't want to wait for his reply) I'm actually saying get a life where you don't have time to sit glued to your phone. If its in your pocket and you get a text then cool reply straight away. If you're in the supermarket buying drinks for your house party and u have an hour to get ready don't waste time trying to text back, at least wait until you get home and you have a free hand. This way your response is unpredictable because your life is. It could be immediate or it could be delayed... but always you can and will as soon as you are able.

Stick to your guns
Its one thing to decide what your boundaries are but its another to act on them and not make allowances. And you may just do that if this person is on a pedestal. Treat them the same as anyone else and they will respect you all the more. Letting them get away with treating you badly will only make them less attracted to you. They may also feel obliged to see just how far they can push you. Like pets and children, don't let them walk all over you. Be firm and resolute, but nice enough with it that you aren't a spoil sport for any fun and games. Make it part of the game (again like with pets and children) so there is an edge enough that they might just get their way. We all like the taste of possible victory... it makes life more interesting. One way i have to measure my 're-actions' or their behaviour for acceptability is to consider if i would allow a proper friend to do that to me or would i treat a friend that way. If the answer is yes then its usually safe to go with it.

Don't try with willpower alone
In nutrition terms i would never advise a smoker or sugar/caffeine/alcohol abuser to give up their habit with willpower alone. I plan them a course involving tons of supplements and substances that will give the body what it needs naturally, and offer support and help to the addict overcome their cravings. Willpower alone never works. And how does this relate to 'one-itis'? Well lets take for example drunk texting/calling. Its a bad, bad habit. And worse when its directed at the one you really, really like. One or twice in a month is flattering, but all the time and up to 15 times a night is irksome. Another example is facebook stalking. Do you really need to look at their profile again and again just to upset yourself when you see a picture of them with someone who is not you? No you don't. Deal with issues like this in ways that make sense. 1) avoid temptation by turning your phone off or hiding their news feeds. 2) seek help and support from a friend who can remove you phone from your possession. 3) have an alternative you can call or fb stalk like a f*ckbuddy or a best mate. 4) realise if you do slip up that they should be very flattered you even bothered as you don't give that much attention to anyone else ;)

Create abundance
Of course the best medicine for one-itis is to go cold turkey on them and consume other 'less' desirables. In otherwords, widen the net and seek other pleasures.... either by dating others or by filling your life with so many distractions you 'forget' about your addiction. You soon realise there is more to life that this one person and that the same feelings you found in them can be created elsewhere. The more you spread your attention, the less you depend on just one source for satisfying the insecurities of your ego (though i'll always advice that you try subdue the cravings of the ego instead of feed it, but thats quite a task and another article). This will breakdown some or maybe all of the addiction until you're in control again.

Alright, i hope this helps anyone who's even done the crazy things i've done and felt like so foolish over (yes i've called a guy 15 times in one night when i was drunk!). Even if it was a long, long time ago i'll never be able to repair my behaviour with them. First impressions count and also long standing crazy ones.... so keep the crazy between you and your diary/best friend and show them only your good side for at least 80% of the time (statistically the lowest percentage of 'good feelings' time needed to cement a long lasting attraction), and go have fun ;)

Is the 'juice' is worth the squeeze?

When it comes to relationships i often wonder if any guy is 'worth' it. What makes a guy different from the rest, that i would change my behaviour enough for the kind of compromise spending time with someone can demand?

Lately i've been too absorbed in my own love affairs and confused feelings to write anything of value on the matter. Truth is i simply don't know. But i'm exploring. I've asked a lot of men and women this question. And caught up in reading the 'TrueBlood' series, where the heroine Sookie encounters a variety of men problems, i'm beginning to understand the motivation behind putting yourself out there or not. And what have i found.... well that each situation is different and each coupling is unique,

but the main thing it comes down to is 'how they make you feel'.

Its always been about how someone makes you feel. And if you feel good enough for the majority of the time you spend with them, you will always seek them out to spend time with them because they make you happy/comfortable/safe/understood etc.

I used to think building up a deposit full of 'good shared emotions' with someone could set enough of a foundation so that if the shit ever hit the fan, you would still have those good feelings to fall back on - so you realise why you are making the effort, why this person is worth the squeeze. But this isn't the case. All it takes is a few well aimed blows at your achilles heel to knock off your rose-tinted glasses off and you no longer feel good about that person or good when you are around them. In fact you may feel a only tiny amount of negative emotions, but in the right forumula, they skew your view of the whole relationship enough to potentially want to leave it. I won;t divulge the storyline of the series but TrueBlood (the book version) has many examples of this happening between Sookie and her guy(s). He crosses one line, that is very important to her, and he is dust (no pun intended!).

For me i can tolerate a lot of guy drama. I'm a very understanding girl (that doesn't mean i would sit there and take shit from a guy either... I have my boundaries). Despite this there is one thing that i find i won't stick around for. And that's having to 'convince' someone i'm worth it too.

How do i feel when a guy makes me question what i'm worth to him? Well I feel like i've tried and failed. I feel disappointed. I feel tired, despondent and very alone. Like i'm fighting for something no one else wants. And i don't like to feel that no one has my back. That i'm exposed. I've never been good at sales. If the buyer doesn't see the value in the jewel i'm offering i lose interest. I've played all my cards. Its at this point i feel theres nothing left but to hold up my hands and walk away. Possibly increasing the initial price so he'll never have another chance at buying in to play another round ever again. Time wasters beware.

It turns out this is an 'emotional trigger for me. These are 'triggers' that can be traced back to an event or a series of events that led to an emotional reaction.

Mine I think it stems back to when i was going through a messy breakup with my long term ex. He would constantly play with my heart by changing his mind over if we were worth another go or not. He drew me back in several times in the subsequent years after we broke up (yes. years!) and i let him. In the end i learnt the hard way how to end it once and for all. My emotional baggage means that if anyone starts to remind me of my ex... i get restless and wary enough to feel that should be making a hasty exit. The feeling is not a nice one. Its choc full of old insecurities and fears and anyone who manages to flip these 'emotional triggers' gets associated with bad memories and emotions. No matter why they choose to exhibit that behaviour (Because most of the time people don't act the same way for the same reasons. And even if you know that... your 'emotional memory' won't.) And you will react according to habits in your chemistry, not through logic or reason.

So how does a guy trigger this emotion in me? The usual suspects - pulling away, seeming distant, sudden lack or passive communication, and of course.... telling me 'he isn't worth it' or 'he's not good enough for me'. These are all sins of my long term ex who just really did/said all those things because he knew he only wanted me around to boost his own ego and felt guilty for it. I stuck around because i 'thought' he just wanted space/time to miss me or to think and because i felt he was worth it and was good enough for me, but his low self-esteem prevented him from realising such a fact. If only i had cottoned on that he was only telling me these things just to get rid of me 'in a nice way' that made him look like a martyr.

I do wonder why he didn't just say 'I don't feel the same way and i'd rather you realised that now than later. You're lovely but i don't feel the connection with you that i'm looking for. I think we should end this now to avoid you getting hurt and allow me to find it with someone else.' but he didn't and i guess men will always say what they think women want to hear, rather than just the truth.

So anyway...

how do you know what is a 'trigger' for another person's baggage and insecurities? As the last thing you want to do is cause your lover to link you to their shitty past. In my experience you need to:

1) Know their boundaries and relationship history. What has caused them hurt and pain in the past? What do they tolerate well or not? What are they likely to get sensitive or 'over-react' to?

2) Build trust based on honesty. Be aware of your behaviour in similar situations that have caused them pain in the past. Even if your reasons are different and you can't avoid it, at least be honest about why you are acting this way so they can understand your reasons.

3) Be understanding about their irrational fears. Sometimes you'll feel like getting all defensive. This creates barriers of miscommunication through fear. Remember this isn't always about you. No one likes to open their heart and say what they are thinking, especially if they're likely to get shot down. Your reaction primes their future honesty on the matter. If you get shitty or don't understand.... they won't be likely to open up again ever.

And if you have these triggers?

I can only relay what i'm going through right now, which is so over whelming... the 'juice' just doesn't seem worthwhile going to all that effort. I do think my emotional trigger is not one to be taken lightly, and sometimes we have them for survival. Like learning that a flame will burn if you put your hand in a fire long enough. There are others though that are just plain over protective and can prevent you from finding happiness. Sometimes risks are part of life and even if the 'juice' is not that great, at least you can say you squeezed. It takes courage to do that without knowing what you're gonna get... i should know.

Reminds me of that age old saying.... "you should never regret the things you have done.... only the things you haven't".

Its a turn-off when... "the man wears the skirt in the relationship"

I think i belong to the population of girls that finds a guy with a talent a turn-on. Theres something about his dedication and time spent learning to hone that skill to perfection, a skill that serves no purpose other than it looks hot. It shows he has passion and heart & soul, and is motivated enough to get off his lazy ass and make something of himself.

The guitar is one of my favourites. But he has to be good. He has to be able to play more than a dozen tunes and not just repeat the same old song over and over again.It speaks to me in volumes if he has actually spent so much time 'getting good' that he has a certain 'spark' when it comes to self-respect. That self respect translates into confidence as a man. Someone i can admire, as anything i can't do automatically gets my respect.

This also seems true of things i can do. I mean if i can do it so can he. If not?... i rapidly lose interest.

I love a man who i can rely on to change a tyre for example. I can do this if i have to, but when faced with the possibility of aligning myself with a guy who struggles with these manly tasks... he's lost me. A friend of mine recently introduced her boyfriend. For sure he was four years younger than her but his lack of dominance or leadership made me cringe. He shied away from any responsibility all night and left me to make all the decisions. Now i don't mind being the alpha of the group - doing the tasks such as finding us a place to eat/drink, talking for the group in situations that called for it, paying for the group, looking after those who have drank too much or lost things... i have no problem being that girl. I do have a problem when a man prefers to let me be that girl because he doesn't have the balls himself. I'm not sure where these men come from but towards the end of the night, when she was fussing over him and hen-pecking him from afar.... i felt sorry for her.

A man should be a man and step up and play his role. I'm not saying women should always be the 'fairer' sex and have guys open doors or pay for dinner. I mean if any guy tries to tell me what to do i'm stubborn enough to do the opposite. But what i i'm saying is for a guy to be more attractive to a girl, he has to have that 'confidence' in himself to be dominant if the situation calls for it. I like a guy i can rely on to be my equal, and take the bull by the horns if i need him to. I don't want a puppy dog at my heels following me around a supermarket with a blank look on his face. Oi mister we need food. Thats why we're in here?

Maybe you think i'm expecting too much, or i'm asking for the impossible. I would have said that was true after one of my ex boyfriends used to call me when i was out with friends to come home and make him dinner because he didn't know how and was hungry! (yes its true!). For some reason i thought that all guys became four year old kids who need looking after when the relationship turns old. Now?

I believe that there are two reasons for a girl becoming a mother instead of a lover:

1) The guy is totally lacking in self-assurance and doesn't like to take on responsibility. It's obvious from the start as he'll be unable to make decisions and agrees to nearly everything you ask him to do and having a debate with him is frustrating as he seems to have no opinions. You feel control so you are in control. He has little talent for any of his many interests so no passion. He sits back an watches you do the hard-work (call the cab, order the drinks etc) or seeks your approval before he does them. Unless you like being a mother-hen, i suggest make it clear you won't be his.

2) The girl turns a perfectly capable guy into a baby who needs constant attention, approval and looking after. This is easily done when the girl takes it on herself to do all the things he should be doing because she wants to please him and make him happy and because its what she herself would want from him (we always treat others how we wish to be treated even if they don't). Or she becomes a nag, so much so that he stops out of frustration for never being 'good enough' or she is just too 'hard to please'.

In both situations the guy has lost his 'drive' or 'spark'. His energy is passive and laid-back. He isn't engaging or interested. And the biggest clue? his guitar, if he has one, is probably collecting dust....

Inside the mind of a guy.... "why getting the girl is the most fun part of dating"

Oh yes. Meet Jamie Bamber ladies.... *sigh*.  He is one of the reasons i watch Battlestar Galactica. As well as it being an addictive storyline ;) 

And back to the reality. So last night i was reading Ocean Dreamer's blog (fantastic and insightful read btw) and her post about 'love' in tv shows being like real-life got me thinking about the differences between men and women (@ 8am in the morning i might add when i should be getting ready for work! i have a problem. maybe i should seek help?). 

It strikes me that for most women the objective of dating - a committed relationship - is the most important aspect of all. It the thing they get out of bed for, style their hair, dress provocatively, and flirt like its going out of fashion with any guy that will show her attention. The guy, if he passes some kind of test with her, just dangles the carrot of of something akin to that 'destination' in the future and oops she's already his. 

But men don't want a get a freebie or a handout. Men are competitive. They love sports like racing and play computer games where they skill up. They like to fix things and get good at certain talents like playing guitar. They love to pursue. And while us women won't understand why, it doesn't mean this is type of 'game' doesn't get him excited and the most fun part of the relationship is' the journey to the destination'.  In other words, when tv show & movie couples get to together it's not until the very end that they do. The rest of the time its a whole 'will they? won't they?' hook that keeps you coming back for more. The guys that write these dramas know that once we get that happy ending, they'll be losing half their audience. And even if us girls are sitting their rooting for their favourite couple to 'get together already!' and live happily ever after... you can so be sure that a guy will think differently (i've never seen a guy in a tv show forum whining that such and such should be married already. think about it. its true.)

So the key to understanding how a man wants to win the girl? Not the easy way. It has to be hard. You have to be a challenge. He wants to know that he has 'earned' the right to call you his girlfriend. Turn the tables.... you keep the carrot dangling for once. But don't let him lose every time. Play nice. Let him win a few rounds and then once the feeling of victory is in his blood. Once the hunt is on. He'll be begging for more. And just when he thinks he's losing.... he'll fight even harder to win. And then once he has you, once he finally gets his trophy, he can brag about it to his boyfriends. But no guy will brag if the trophy was just given to him. Theres no challenge or struggle in that. I'm reminded of something i read once "the women is the jewel. the man provides the setting". Just remember to let him do all the hard work cutting the diamond, and crafting the metal first ;)

Funny thing is, once they guy is 'banging on your door with a bunch of roses'.... you may just not want him anymore. Attraction is a strange thing, and its true we always want what we can't have. Even us ladies...

Be the leading lady... not the supporting actress

One of my favorite films of all time is 'The Holiday'. Yes i have a weakness for guys that look like Jude Law with the personality of his character in the film ;) But i also love the scene where Authur tells Iris to get her act together:

Arthur Abbott: Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend.

Iris: You're so right. You're supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for god's sake! Arthur, I've been going to a therapist for three years, and she's never explained things to me that well. That was brilliant. Brutal, but brilliant.

This speaks volumes to me. 

Not only do i have to be the leading lady in my own life but to any guy that comes along and wants my heart. Why? Well when someone tells you they are in love with someone else and ask you to play support, its an instant passion killer. I was once in love with a guy who still had a girlfriend. We worked together, and unavoidably we spent a lot of time together. I never noticed him when i first started working at the company but one day, a few months after my break up with the ex, i found i couldn't stop thinking about him.

All the girls fancied him. But i could never see it until i became single. Suddenly i wanted him. A waste of time? Yes probably... he was taken. And she was a lucky girl. I told him that when we kissed goodbye after one night where i let my heart rule my head. I was ashamed to say that i didn't feel any regret. He was the hottest and nicest most interesting guy i'd every worked with and the attraction was undeniable. He messed with my heart and my life for months afterwards. It got to the point where i left my job. Yes, never mix business with pleasure.... its not pretty. 

And so now i'm loath to play second fiddle. Even if that girl is not in his life anymore. His hang-ups just don't do it for me. I learned the hard way when i realised my boyfriend at the time was not over his ex when we started dating. I don't think he loved me any less, but when he brought her up time and time again, unable to let go... it pushed me away. I'm selfish. I don't like to share.

I know everyone has emotional baggage. And i have lost some loves in my life. Men i've shed tears over. But i would never compare any guy to one in the past. If i did i would not be moving on. I would be living in the world of 'what was and used to be'. And since i don't cling on to any past 'loves' i hardly tolerate a guy that does the same. Its one of my boundaries. I'm unforgiving of any guy that can't do what i can do. He has to be stronger not weaker. 

I'm also aware of how it can ruin the potential of anything with someone else, having not being able to let go of my own demons when it came down to it. But in the end i dealt with it. And once you can see light at the end of the tunnel... the getting over him/her is really not all that difficult. In fact, people do it everyday:

1) Realise what you remember is not exactly how things were. Time distorts memories. If they were truly that amazing and it was meant to be. You would be with them now. There are reasons why you never made it as a couple or reasons why you aren't moving forward. Remember what wasn't working? Why didn't flow? Don't forget love should be easy. Its not supposed to be hard work. If its negative now... whats it going to be like 20 yrs from now? Don't kid yourself that they were the only love of your life.

2) Don't consume yourself in a relationship, any relationship from the past or in something like a re-bound. Getting rid of emotional baggage takes time. Its not a race. Spend time out of the dating scene. Focus on you and your life, career, family etc. Be selfish. Do what makes you happy. Take a break from contacting your ex. Out of sight, out of mind.

3) Be open to new experiences like travelling or changing your life. It has an amazing way of opening you up sub-consciously to meeting someone new. Don't look for your ex in another person. You'll only repeat the same dramas all over and what you didn't like about your ex will come back to haunt you. Again theres a reason why you split. Accept it and move on.

Its a turn-off when... "you are way too serious"

Most girls are emotionally in-tune. We want a guy who is in touch with his sensitive side. A guy who can talk about his feelings.

I've been there. And its frustrating when he avoids the issue, would rather enjoy the moment with you than open up and try to relate. Its hard work - there is something pressing that you just want to hash out. You want to talk through the options. You want to find out what he's thinking. You need to hear how he sees the situation. 

And we're used to our girlfriends who talk non-stop about themselves and the issues they are going through. So why can't we bond with a guy that way? Sure he may have poured his heart out before you dated... but now? He's a closed book that you just can't read. Never mind find out how it ends. 

But you know what really annoys me. When a guy is too serious. 

I had the grace to find a guy who's emotions were all over the place. And he wanted to talk about how he felt.. all the time. It got to a point when we couldn't just relax and laugh and eat dinner without him making an issue of how he felt when i passed him the salt. wft! Come on! I felt like the guy. I wanted him to just lighten up. Why was it so stressful all the time. Why did he have to turn everything in to drama... and everything into about him and how he felt? The world didn't revolve around him but when i was with him it felt that way. It was draining & boring. I spent less and less time with him. I did the guy thing and avoided his calls, kept my distance. It was just easier than admitting he was pushing me away. I was afraid he'd take it badly. And i was right. In the end he did. 

So whats my point in all this? Well it was strange for me to be in the role of a guy but it taught me some valuable lessons. No one likes being around too much drama all the time. Its hard work and its draining. Hence the reason why a cool guy will deflect your serious talk with banter and humour. And you may feel like he's avoiding the issue. Maybe he is. But there is a time and a place and there is a way to talk to a guy that doesn't make it seem like a chore.

So yes i can't stand ppl who take themselves to seriously. I love a guy who makes me laugh. A guy who can laugh at himself. A guy who doesn't read too much into what i say or what i do. A guy who is there when i need him to be. To show me what he can do for me instead of all that talk. After all... actions speak louder than words. 

And today i'm in one of those moods where everything keeps making me laugh. Yes i've got the giggles. I even got the grumpy guy behind the desk in reception to smile at me. 

Life is great like that... one smile and you get everything you wish for :)