Jun 14, 2009

Its a turn-off when... "the man wears the skirt in the relationship"


I think i belong to the population of girls that finds a guy with a talent a turn-on. Theres something about his dedication and time spent learning to hone that skill to perfection, a skill that serves no purpose other than it looks hot. It shows he has passion and heart & soul, and is motivated enough to get off his lazy ass and make something of himself.

The guitar is one of my favourites. But he has to be good. He has to be able to play more than a dozen tunes and not just repeat the same old song over and over again.It speaks to me in volumes if he has actually spent so much time 'getting good' that he has a certain 'spark' when it comes to self-respect. That self respect translates into confidence as a man. Someone i can admire, as anything i can't do automatically gets my respect.

This also seems true of things i can do. I mean if i can do it so can he. If not?... i rapidly lose interest.

I love a man who i can rely on to change a tyre for example. I can do this if i have to, but when faced with the possibility of aligning myself with a guy who struggles with these manly tasks... he's lost me. A friend of mine recently introduced her boyfriend. For sure he was four years younger than her but his lack of dominance or leadership made me cringe. He shied away from any responsibility all night and left me to make all the decisions. Now i don't mind being the alpha of the group - doing the tasks such as finding us a place to eat/drink, talking for the group in situations that called for it, paying for the group, looking after those who have drank too much or lost things... i have no problem being that girl. I do have a problem when a man prefers to let me be that girl because he doesn't have the balls himself. I'm not sure where these men come from but towards the end of the night, when she was fussing over him and hen-pecking him from afar.... i felt sorry for her.

A man should be a man and step up and play his role. I'm not saying women should always be the 'fairer' sex and have guys open doors or pay for dinner. I mean if any guy tries to tell me what to do i'm stubborn enough to do the opposite. But what i i'm saying is for a guy to be more attractive to a girl, he has to have that 'confidence' in himself to be dominant if the situation calls for it. I like a guy i can rely on to be my equal, and take the bull by the horns if i need him to. I don't want a puppy dog at my heels following me around a supermarket with a blank look on his face. Oi mister we need food. Thats why we're in here?

Maybe you think i'm expecting too much, or i'm asking for the impossible. I would have said that was true after one of my ex boyfriends used to call me when i was out with friends to come home and make him dinner because he didn't know how and was hungry! (yes its true!). For some reason i thought that all guys became four year old kids who need looking after when the relationship turns old. Now?

I believe that there are two reasons for a girl becoming a mother instead of a lover:

1) The guy is totally lacking in self-assurance and doesn't like to take on responsibility. It's obvious from the start as he'll be unable to make decisions and agrees to nearly everything you ask him to do and having a debate with him is frustrating as he seems to have no opinions. You feel control so you are in control. He has little talent for any of his many interests so no passion. He sits back an watches you do the hard-work (call the cab, order the drinks etc) or seeks your approval before he does them. Unless you like being a mother-hen, i suggest make it clear you won't be his.

2) The girl turns a perfectly capable guy into a baby who needs constant attention, approval and looking after. This is easily done when the girl takes it on herself to do all the things he should be doing because she wants to please him and make him happy and because its what she herself would want from him (we always treat others how we wish to be treated even if they don't). Or she becomes a nag, so much so that he stops out of frustration for never being 'good enough' or she is just too 'hard to please'.

In both situations the guy has lost his 'drive' or 'spark'. His energy is passive and laid-back. He isn't engaging or interested. And the biggest clue? his guitar, if he has one, is probably collecting dust....


8 comments:

Ali

Nice post. Very true in my opinion. We want a man that can actually BE a man! Amen to that.

OceanDreams

Lol, I know what you mean. My girlfriend's sister married a man like this and it drives their family nutz! He doesn't take initiative on anything and he is super lazy. Granted, girls can be this way as well, but yes, I totally agree that it is more worthwhile if you are with a guy that is driven and will be a "man." I don't think I could be with a guy who doesn't step up, even though I believe that females should take charge though in their own lives and careers. However, I still am in favor of the man being driven and willing to make decisions on his own and for his girl. No wimps for me, thank you very much. Thanks for making me think, as always love! Have a fabulous week.

Nana

MEOW!!! can I get an Amen? I agree completely!

Erika

Lol, I enjoyed this very much.

Did you see my post about guitar serenades: http://awakeningfromthedream.blogspot.com/2009/06/appreciation-thread-10-things-i-like.html?

Yeah, when it comes to opening jars and tech support on my computer, there's a big part of me that doesn't want to do it ... I want a big strong manly guy to do it.

And yes, please, men, know what you want. We get so turned off when you are wishy-washy.

aditi

Umm looking for the Knight in the 21st century?
Well my best goes out to u...

Alex.

Im male, but am I a man?

I read this, and feel that I recognize a bit too much of this in myself. Im young, which doesen't help.

Im not sure if im relieved by reading this, or scared to death. It's nice to know that this is a "typical" thing, yet, I'd like to have some security that with a little more much needed life experience, i would be guaranteed to break the circle.

Fair enough, there aren't any guarantees, the only thing you'll ever have is the stuff you bring and the stuff you create, alone or with others, and that gets me thinking.

As i try to look at this, and analyze myself aswell as what you have written here, i start asking myself the "why" question, which in truth feels sort of surreal when sitting here, alone in the dark at 5 am with my keyboard and--*looks around*... A keyboard as my company.

When I say i recognize myself, im not saying that im a lazy person, or a person without initiative, passion, or a dignity. I have qualities that put a lot of others to shame... So why do I feel as if this post affects me?

I wonder if my priorities have been straight. When with a "new girl", so to speak, I have a tendency to be the one taking the initiative, leading the way, and holding her hand through anything I want her to experience with me, despite the fact that I have no idea what she wants. Why don't i do this all the time?

When I get to the point that someone really matters to me, I get careful, much more careful. I consider the other person on a whole new level, and I do anything I can to analyze their feelings to find out what they want to do, no matter how mundane the subject might be.

I become desperate for any sign of what they want, and complete validation of the things I do for her or with her, before I actually go out and do them. (usually, there are countless examples of me being spontaneous, im never one-sided).

I treat the people I care about, because im afraid to let them down. The problem is, that as you say here, my seeming lack of initiative at times then becomes the very thing that lets her down. I want to lead the way, I just wish I knew that she'd want to follow me. I've always tried putting the happiness of those around me infront of just my own, because making others happy, makes me happy. I need to work on this.

I need to follow my desires to a new level, but in order to do that... I might need a new way to harvest inspiration.

-Alex.

Alex.

Wow... Im left with a strong sense of wanting feedback... Then again, I always am when i leave a comment, small or large. This won't be my only comment, and this will not be the last barrage of them either.

- Alex.

the.lifestyle.artist

Ali - yes we do ;)

OD - lol! girls can be this way and yes i can't stand girls who are wet blankets. Maybe i just can't tolerate sappy people, although i am laid back enough not to be a stress head either?

Nana - cool! thx for your feedback ;)

Erika - haha! i'll have to read that.

Aditi - they exist! i know a few... ;)

Alex - wow. cool comment ;)looks like you've really thought a lot about how what i've written actually means to you. From what you say it seems that yes 1) you are young (and i'm not sure how you define young these days) so that may be why you lack some leadership/dominance in relationships? it may be down to just needing experience to build confidence? One thing i would say is it sounds like you have knack to seek girls approval more than you'd like? Approval seeking or supplication can be a turn off for girls that are confident and emotionally mature. Its not hard to start developing this side of yourself, starting with your inner perception of yourself. Its nice always put others first but you need to realise that attraction stems from being able to know what you want and not be afraid to express this to others without fear of losing them. Only then will people respect you and seek to make you happy too?

All in all looks like you've realised some things about yourself? feel free to catch me on email if u wanna chat ;)

L x

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