Apr 29, 2009

Be your own best friend...

Sometimes i have these nights out where i tend to let loose and go a bit crazy. These are the nights for girls only. We dress up in the sexiest strapless numbers. We wear classy high heels and fine eyeliner. We drink only cocktails & champagne. And we get into trouble... a lot.

It was on one of those nights where i met a girl who was as sweet as a pea. You know, more damsel than diva... I instantly warmed to her. We talked for ages, girly bonding and such like. And it while we talked that i noticed how little faith in herself she had. In fact she put herself down so much it alarmed me. I asked her why of course she felt this way... and as you can imagine she had little self-confidence.

Me: but if you had a best friend who spoke to you like you spoke to yourself... would you tolerate it? Would you allow them to stay in your life?
Sweet Pea Girl: No. Of course not.
Me: Then why do you allow your mind to do the same? You need to be your own best friend, and be more understanding of your own faults, just like you would a friend. Because if you don't respect & love yourself, who is to say anyone else will?
Sweet Pea Girl: Oh.... 

I can relate. When i was in my early 20s i felt the same way. I had no belief in who i was. In fact i even disliked myself so much i would tell 'me' how stupid/annoying/boring i was constantly. That way, i wasn't letting myself down because i was already there.

Now I am my own best friend. I console and cheer myself on all the time. I allow for my flaws and accept them. I understand myself and enjoy my own company. And the more i like myself, the more others accept and like me for who i am too.

I explained this theory to another friend when we met for dinner Monday night. She is the most selfless & caring person i know. Though she admitted that her insecurity drives her to be charitable as a way to pamper her ego. I was interested in her approach to life. A person who had taken the 'other' road, one less travelled, and yet was not as happy as she could be. We agreed that balance was needed in order to be happy. Not completely selfish or selfless, but flexible to either or both at the same time.

Charity girl liked my concept of 'be your own best friend' but her slant on it was different. She explained that in her view it meant being able to rely on yourself and be on you own without needing anyone else. 

I think both aspects go hand in hand, as you have to care for yourself in order to trust and rely on it totally.

And so I wonder how many of us out there can count on ourselves to be 'our best friend'? After all... we have to live with ourselves for a very, very long time.

Apr 26, 2009

How to choose a long-term boyfriend...

My last long-term relationship was five years long. He was a gorgeous, tall, grey-eyed Adonis. There was an air of quiet confidence about him. He was strong & silent. He watched me dance across a crowded room. His interest intrigued me and i knew we would meet. 

In fact I fell in love at first sight.... I do not recommend you do the same.

Why? Well because i gave this boy my heart before i liked who he was as a person. I never noticed his flaws before it was too late. The bad points i would have to endure and live with only surfaced after i was well and truly hooked. A relationship doomed to failure. I would love to say that when you meet the right person it all falls into place and nothing matters anymore....

... but thats not true long term. For me anyway.

Now I fall in love cautiously & slowly. The passion and connection may ignite when we meet, but takes time to grow into something durable & everlasting. I will not be tricked by my emotional attachment or my addiction to how he makes me feel. I will not allow anyone to mean so much to me unless i really, truly respect them first. He has to be someone i would consider worthy of friendship. There has to be more than lust or love. 

There has to be like.

I know what you're thinking. Thats absurd. How can you fall in love with someone you don't like? Well it has to do with the fact that when you first meet someone they are on their best behaviour. You only see their 'good' side. Strong attraction spans into spending lots of time together. You build an emotional connection with that person. Your roots entwine like two potted plants now sharing the same soil.... until one day, you are in love. And the uprooting of your life together is too painful to even consider ripping apart. It hurts to disengage. They become habit. They become your reflection and his traits become yours. Which is unfortunate if they are not the person who you thought they were when you met....

So, i have reservations about letting anyone have the 'label' of being my boyfriend. I am choosy. I will not say 'i love you' or commit to him with my whole heart very easily. He has to meet certain criteria. He has to be what i prefer. And it was while dating a lot last year that i developed these preferences. I wrote these down in my creative journal back then - the "List of things i look for in a Boyfriend". It isn't comprehensive or complete, but was what i was looking for then and maybe still stands now.

Of course when it comes down to it i'm attracted to a guy who is 'like' me... kinda geeky, fashionable, random, obsessed with details, able to cook, into aesthetics, healthy, active, driven, caring, open-minded, cheeky, sexy, confident.... and maybe he looks like 'Tom Welling' in the pic above lol

But enough dream-boy musings, here is the actual list i wrote at the time:

1) You must be active and adventurous. A guy who likes to try new things and not get bogged down in logistics or negatives. Be up for anything and it will inspire me to suprise you with random experiences. I am creative. I need you to be too.

2) Kiss me like there is no tomorrow. And do it slowly like you have all the time in the world. Make my world spin and my knees go weak. Show me stars and i'll give them to you.

3) Make time for me. Plan our weekends. Give me something to get excited about and dream of during the mundane. Rearrange your day to include even just a quick phone call. Text me when your thinking about me. Show me i'm a priority and i'll do the same for you.

4) Do the little things that make me smile. I won't be expecting you to think of my needs, but i'll be grateful when you do. And in return i'll show you how much i care by thinking of you too.

5) Understand me. I don't do anything to hurt you intentionally. If you try i will listen and not twist your words or assume you are selfish. I wouldn't be with you otherwise.

6) Have a good heart and make time for others. Trust your friends and be loyal. Take care of your family. I see goodness in people before anything else. Don't prove me wrong.

7) Be confident in yourself. Know you are amazing. Live your life like you don't need me to love you, and i will love you more.

8) Don't let it get to you. Anger, worry, stress and depression are not my friends. They are hardly present in my life because i choose it. If you entertain them on a regular basis i can't save you if i'm to love you too. It will only push me away if you avoid the silver lining and refuse to see the bright side. I live there most of the time so you won't get the 'real' me, and i will just annoy you.

9) Show me affection. Don't be scared to reach out and hug me from time to time. I like the connection when your hand holds mine. Your arm around my waist is reassuring. I love it when you pull me close in bed and hold me until i fall asleep.

10) Don't make promises you can't keep. And tell me in advance if you can't commit. I won't be upset or grow cold if you are honest and at least try to do your best. 

11) Lose your addictions. I will never respect a guy who has no will power to change his life for the better or seek to improve his health. Choice is powerful. Its ok to be open to the possibility but knowing you can refuse is what i like about you.

12) Turn me on. Enough to distraction. Make me want you all the time... and i will do the same i promise you ;)

13) Don't be tight or materialistic. In fact, don't let how much you have be your focus. More money can be made and if we are as amazing as i think we'll be then there will be days when we won't need to leave the house to have a great time. Still occasionally we can splash out and go wild. One day you'll be too old for your money to be of any use. Now is the time to live.

14) Learn with me everything that is worth knowing. Tell me what you read yesterday and i'll show you my latest talent. Inspire me to be more than i am and i'll motivate you to be all that you can be.

15) Communicate. Tell me what you are thinking and how i make you feel. Let me inside your mind. Don't assume i know. Don't be a mystery. 

16) Tell me i'm wrong. Sometimes i am. But if you argue or sulk i will lose interest so be mature in the way you deal with my faults. I am only human.

17) Be loyal and in turn trust me. I have never cheated on a boyfriend and don't plan on doing so in the future. One day we may change and fall out of love with each other but for now if you want the best of me, you'll need to open up and throw caution to the wind. Remember... i have been hurt too.

18) Take charge. I like it you have it all worked out or when you take control. If you want me... come and get me. I prefer a guy to chase.

19) If you mess me about i will lose interest. Flakiness is a turn off. Do it once and i will try to understand, do it twice and i will get annoyed, do it a third time and i'm sorry but i will realise i'm wasting my time.

20) Make me laugh. Even if you have to hold me down and tickle me.... trust me it could be fun ;)

And so girls, i advise you to "write a list" too. And if you don't know what to write...'date' a while in order to develop your preferences. Or write down what you don't want and then list the opposite. Because once you know... it is easier to find it, and you'll be amazed at how the men in your life start to reflect what you ask for. 

And we always get what we ask for. Standard quantum mechanics...

Apr 24, 2009

Music and the power of Spotify....

Music can be a powerful mood changer/enhancer and I love creating playlists on Spotify...

This is my "i'm just not that into you..." list which always makes me smile and think "yeah i don't need you. bye!" 

And this is my "Lets go out & play..." list which makes me wanna go outside and have adventures lol.

So i'm curious... do you use spotify? If so share a playlist or two with me.... and the mood it's intended it for ;)

I read everything...

In fact, I love to read. I even read the back of cereal boxes and toothpaste tubes. I consume words. I love the way they sound in my mind. I even re-read books I love just to relish in the way they have been written rather than the story. I read to broaden my mind and open my eyes to a new perspective. The more I read, the more I see and the more choices & experienecs I have to draw on.

The way I see it…. Each book and article, every thought and idea is one piece of a bigger whole. Sometimes the beliefs overlap each other like petals in a flower, sometimes they don't even connect or make sense. I don't think everyone is right, but neither are they wrong. They are observations of what could, might or may be the truth. I take what I like and what fits into my belief, into my reality and the rest is conjecture.

The more I read, the more my mind opens to possibilities and the bigger my picture of the universe grows. I will never focus on one teaching/theory or way of life. All paths lead to the same place, but the journey to get there is the most amazing part and I would get bored with the scenery if I walked the same route the whole way there.

Reading is my life. And now I write in the hope that others will read my words and ponder the thoughts I have to offer.

Apr 22, 2009

How to love unconditionally...

Tonight i had visitor. I invited him to dinner mainly out of curiosity. You see his message compelled me to call. All it said was "I realised something today....". 

"So what did you realise?" I asked after waiting patiently most of the night for him to open up. M, with his ability to evade direct questions, said something flippant that made me laugh. I threw the tea towel at him and he smirked... a grin easing on to his beautiful face. 

"I realised a few things, many of them i realised a long time ago, but never felt them until now." I nodded while i drank tea, and stared into his eyes. I could listen to M talk for a lifetime. He sat opposite and talked about how the problems he was facing in life were showing him many things. Indeed he was grateful for them. Life goes in cycles of good and bad, constantly oscillating towards a better understanding of the present. Without each experience there is no comparison or learning and therefore no resolution with our current situation. In fact if we don't have acceptance of it all, we may end up living the same dramas but with different people or environments. Learn what it is you need to learn and change your reaction or repeat the lesson over and over. 

I suddenly felt like i had been chasing my tail with my thoughts most of the week. It was clear that i had fallen into a trap of allowing my mind to convince me i had to win at all costs. Pride is the right hand of even the weakest ego, and i was too proud to let myself down. Or what i felt was 'down', because direction is all in the how your perceive it. In fact i could have been fighting against myself this entire time, like a pet kitten playing with it's reflection. Sometimes it's staring you straight in the face, and you can't see it because your conditioning, your emotional baggage, your disappointments, your own mind.... tells you that you are right. Well maybe you are not right and the only one losing out ends up being you.  

When the mind controls you through fear, when you come from a selfish place... others around you also come from there. It is only when you speak from the heart that you can inspire others to do the same. 

In some ways i don't know how to speak from the heart and i admitted as much to M. His smile seemed to say he expected this question. He reminded me then of unconditional love.

"Imagine two people. One is happy, independent. Complete. Another person comes along who is also happy. Together the energy between them is amazing. The feed off each other and it is almost better than before. Now one will eventually close off to the other if that person is unable to maintain giving. Maybe they are fearful, maybe they need to be in control, maybe they are wanting more... so they stop giving. The other person may respond by also pulling away but what they are doing is mirroring the fearful person and in that way they are bringing themselves down to that level to get attention. And then a drama begins with both people fighting for affection, both unwilling to give freely like before. 

In unconditional love... the person who is less fearful says "here have the energy you want from me. take it"  then refills elsewhere from other things in their life. The have no need to fight for a limited source of love. And this means they can give freely without expectation or need of receiving anything back. In a relationship where both give freely, there is no fear, and therefore no loss. Speaking from the heart is like that. It is selfless."

I pondered his words as he kissed my cheek goodbye. How many times do i say "I" or "Me" when i think or speak..... 

randomly there are 20 "I"s & 4 "me"s in this post.

Apr 20, 2009

The five love languages...

Make me a priority in your life... spend time with me, and i'll love you forever. 

Why? well 'quality time' for me is one of my love languages. 

If you can get past the slightly off-putting religious context of this book, its worth a read. Gary Chapman tells the reader about the 5 love languages of relationships & friendships. 

1) quality time - making someone a priority and spending time with them doing whatever makes them happy
2) words of affirmation - telling someone the positive things about them that you like/love.
3) acts of service - doing things for the other person, usually without being asked.
4) touch/tactile affection - showing affection through touch (not related to sex)
5) gifts - buying presents for the other person to show you care.

Usually everyone in your life will speak 'love' through at least one of these languages. To know what yours is can be defined by (in my experience):

- Its the language you speak to others most to show you care
- Its the one you still manage to express even in times of feeling 'cut off' from that person
- Its the one you need to have in the relationship for you to feel loved.

Me? Well i've worked out i have at least two. The main on being 'quality time' and the second one being 'touch'. 

The others... i couldn't care too much about to be honest. In my research though, when in times of feeling 'deep' love and connection you are able to express all 5... and for me that is certainly true. I can 'speak' all five when i feel 'in love'. Probably why the 'honeymoon' period is so wonderful ;)  both of you doing all five.... oh wow!

However... i find that usually i only 'speak' my main two the most and at times when i feel most 'needy' or 'un-loved'.  And it turns out that if you and your sweetheart are going through the same negative emotions and you don't 'speak' the same languages. Then you clearly aren't communicating love to each other (this works with friendships too! i tried it lol).

So the best way to 'talk' to your guy (or girl?) find out their love language and show them you care ;) And if you are a master of subtle communications... tell them what yours are too.

Anyway i do recommend a read. Even if you are single. You'll be amazed at how understanding you can become to everyone in your life... not just your partner ;)

Apr 13, 2009

When is the best time to call a guy...

Yesterday i was curious about Cartoonist Guy's girl in Italy. For the first time in our friendship he seems to really like a girl... even if it has only been as long as a few weeks. He admitted he likes her a lot. And she texts/calls him almost every day.

Since i get asked the question of 'is it ok to call a guy?' or 'when is the best time to call a guy?' I decided to see what it was that she was doing right with him.

Me: So as a guy, do you like it when a girl calls you a lot/call you first... that kinda thing?
CG: Yeah, of course. I can't speak for every guy... i like the attention. But what i like is that when K messages me it is without stress. She is different. Other girls get annoying when the text to much.
Me: What do you mean 'without stress'?
CG: Well she never asks me 'what are you doing?' or 'who are you with?'. She will say something about what she is doing instead.
Me: Oh i see. Like a statement?
CG: Yeah i guess. She isn't demanding. It is easy to reply.... or not.
Me: And if you don't reply?
CG: Then she doesn't mind. She has her own life. I'm not the center of it. She is understanding if i don't have time for her. Though she did say she missed me now i'm not in Italy which was nice...

The way K is behaving is from a place of security. She doesn't need Cartoonist Guy to reply to her messages for reassurance/validation. Even if she does feel she wants his attention. She doesn't show it. She also expresses openly that she misses him but doesn't follow up with needy or chasing behaviour. The slight contradiction in this is very attractive because CG as all guys (and girls) likes attention, but only the positive kind.

K is also understanding of CG's other obligations. She doesn't punish him if he can't make time for her like other girls do. You wouldn't get shitty with a friend if they were busy so why would you treat a guy you are dating any different (of course if they repeatedly blow you out that's a different story). She is not being a doormat, but realising he had a life before he met her and will continue to do so now.

Maybe when we were young we dropped everything for love... but that is an immature way to approach dating and is not sustainable. Many couples split because one person has lost themselves and their independence when they were in the relationship, and needed the other more than they themselves were needed. Its only as we get older & wiser that we learn balance is required to prolong happiness in love.

So it is ok to call a guy... just realise that most guys don't tolerate 'confrontation' or 'stress' of any kind well, especially the emotional kind. Men they don't have our luxury of talking openly about an issue with our caring & understanding girlfriends or having a good heartfelt sob into a pillow (well maybe they might do the latter when no one is looking...). Men have to control their emotions in front of society, especially their 'bros' and the best way to do this is to avoid it. In other words.... when a girl starts to behave in a way that makes them feel 'stress' they stop calling and put some distance in the relationship. Its not that they don't want to see you. Its just that its easier to avoid the situation and the questions all together and that way they don't have to lie or disappoint you. In truth no man wants to hurt a girl intentionally.

So with that in mind, for a girl to create that feeling in a guy where he is happy to hear from you. Give him no reason to suspect that it will lead to an interrogation. A guy needs to feel it is safe in the water before he decides to take a swim. And once he does start to 'trust' you (yes its all about trust....) he will feel safe enough to tell you the answers to the questions you want all by himself.

Me: So what do you text back?
CG: *laughs* I probably tell her what i'm doing and who with....
Me: Oh lord... you men are weird

Apr 10, 2009

Something to tell our friends...

I have been @ the lovely Westfield shopping with Cartoonist Guy. He is Italian so he is a good shopping partner. We exit the train sharing a joke. He is making fun of my inability to walk without bumping into strange people and that i seem to stop listening while he is talking about serious things. He says i am like a child. I shove him playfully but the smell of burning makes my nose wrinkle. All around my area the air is filled with a thick smoke. Its coming from the coca-cola building. Luckily there is a fire station, police station & hospital all within yards... 

Still the drama is exciting. Crowds of people gather snapping away with their camera phones. The buzz makes an otherwise normal walk from the tube station into an event. Cartoonist guy guides me through the crowds making sure we follow the masses in the right direction. We have been diverted. We talk non-stop about the possibilities of the fire and the fuss everyone is making. It will be on the news.

I'm reminded of an ancient Chinese proverb... "may you live in interesting times". Even bad news is still news. The only news that sells, or so i'm told... unless its about sport. Makes me wonder what that says about humanity if we desire to hear more of the suffering & scandal in others peoples lives rather than the good. Do we compare it to our own and feel blessed for being better off? Or does it strengthen our feeling of compassion & community in the face of tragedy?

It may very well be both, and even though a fire is not a good thing, it is something to tell our friends. 

Apr 7, 2009

We collect what we project...

According to Robin Sharma, author of 'The Monk who sold his Ferrari'...

'other people in our lives are mirrors of our true selves'.

Meaning: We only really appreciate positive qualities in another person if we can recognise them in ourselves first, and are particularly sensitive to negative traits in others if we also possess them.

And life, being the way it is, finds a way to bring these people to you. In a sense - we collect what we project in order to show us truly who we are, and of course, learn from it, deal with it, and move on.

On self-reflection? Well more so these days I'm able to recognise and truly appreciate if someone is emotionally intelligent/mature or not. And as i'm learning to avoid being controlled by my emotions i'm also learning to see this in those around me.

How do i do this? I'll try to explain. Ok, imagine an art dealer... now the more experience they have, the more an 'intuition' develops so that so many years of experience can assist them in just 'knowing' a fake from an original without being able to say why. Malcolm Gladwell talks about the power of this, 'thin-slicing', in his book 'Blink'. A great read. I can't recommend it enough.

Interestingly i've also read that 'you're only as good as the people closest to you... so choose them wisely.' It seems I tend to attract people into my life who are dealing with the same dramas and issues i am, and/or who are the same level or place in their life. Which is why my social circles have changed vastly in the last 6 months. I'm just not the person i used to be.

So is it the people around us that lend their defining traits our way first that we absorb like a sponge? or do they enhance the qualities in you that you both share, having been attracted to a feeling of 'i can relate to this person, they understand me, we share the same qualities' in the beginning?

Either way, i'm constantly attracting men who are not likely to express themselves emotionally. They are detached and almost aloof at times (control drama #1).

Much to my surprise, a friend gave me food for thought when she described me as in the same way as the men i date! Truth is, she may be right. I don't let anyone in as easily anymore, especially the men. And if how you feel/behave is reflected back. Then the 'coolness' i'm feeling from the men i date is probably something i need to address in myself first.

So has been worthwhile looking at those close to me and seeing my 'real' projected self? i would say yes... in 2007-08 i was an emotional wreak and attracted people who were just as flaky or needy as i was. I can see i learnt from being around them, and found out who i was enough to change. And now in 2009 i do have friends who are dealing with intimacy issues... but i'm also surrounded a lot more by people i respect and who have independance, grace, energy and passion enough for me to see that those talents at least are in me too.

Nice to know ;)

Life's litte reminder #4...

There is 'pace-setting', 'slow'... and then there's me. I could not keep up with the boys when running today :( In my defense, i haven't run for a while and with pole-dancing class last night, i was dead on my feet.

It got to a point where i had to turn back. My breath was short, i had a stitch, and my muscles were protesting every step. Feeling defeated i jogged the return strip even though i wanted to walk. I closed my eyes and ignored the sharp pain digging under my ribs and kept going. I was hot and bothered. I wanted out. My body wanted my bed. My spirit felt low. 

In that moment when i could focus on nothing but my own physical misery... everything looked crap. Even the trees which are full of blossom & potential right now looked like shit. I'm not sure where this low mood came from but it followed me all the way to the bridge. To my credit though i persevered.

A burst of sun paused my negative spiral of thoughts. I couldn't ignore the nagging feeling of self-pity any longer. If fact it was making me sick to my stomach. The voice of my mentor was telling me to 'man the fuck up'. And i know i'm not a man but you get the drift. M would just laugh and tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself. I was being a typical girl. 

Determined to at least change my mood I sifted through the last few months of my life in mind, comparing it to before. And you know... I realised I've never felt or been happier. I love my life now. I love the freedom. I fear less. I'm more decisive. I'm more... me. As in i know who i am. And the best bit? everything to look forward to is still to come. 

As these thoughts spilled into my awareness, the baggage i'd been dealing with these last few weeks fell away from my shoulders. Suddenly I could breathe again. There was no more pain. My muscles adapted and felt warmer. I was moving faster, almost bouncing along. I even wanted to photograph the sun through trees because of their beauty ;)

Life's little reminder?

'A breakdown is expected before a breakthrough... so don't give up just yet'

Apr 5, 2009


Muah! & thx Richard @ New Dolloian for awarding me as 'Kreativ' blogger ;) 

Finally! got round to changing my blog layout & getting myself sorted enough to post this article sharing the joy of 'my seven things' and of course passing it on...

in no particular order

7 things i love:

1) dancing
2) reading everything (snap Rich lol)
3) dressing up & my own fashion
4) collecting talents
5) my feather duvet
6) cooking for my friends
7) the excitment of going somewhere new!

7 blogs i love:

Here are the award rules:
List 7 things that you love, and then pass the award on to 7 bloggers that you love! Be sure to tag them and let them know that they have won. You can copy the picture of the award and paste it on your sideboard letting the whole world know...you are Kreativ!

Being in the flow...

Today i am in the flow. I have been painting. The rest of the world did not exist apart from my canvas and me. The medium was oil pastel and the subject was my imagination. Hours have passed.... and it is still light outside! Bonus ;)

Flow is a new concept for me. Well i knew about it because i felt it when i was 'in the zone' but did not know it had a definition.

Wikipedia says...

is the mental state of operation in which the person is fully immersed in what he or she is doing by a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and success in the process of the activity. Proposed by positive psychologist Mihály Csíkszentmihályi.

Being in the flow creates energy & positive feelings, and so can lead to a heightened state of satisfaction and/or happiness within ones self.

Flow activities are challenges that we can see progression or level/skill up in. They are not so easy to do that we become bored or they can be done by everyone or so difficult that they are impossible.

Now i know... i can see i actively pursue flow activities such as photography, painting/art, writing, yoga, cooking, origami (new), etc. Archery is also a new one i'm researching to do...

Unfortunately Wii games are not considered flow.... shame, i'm getting quite good at guitar hero ;)

We are only human...

I love snapping photos of shadows. They intrigue me. I love the contrast of dark against a sunny background, the lack of light in the form of your subject, the movement, the dapples, the depth...

So imagine my smile when i stumbled upon this quote:

"The laws that govern nature are the same laws that run our lives. For example, when the sun shines the brightest, the shadows appear the biggest..."

A nice metaphor for truism that when you are most open to love and being loved or the more they see you, the real you... the more unimpressive parts of yourself usually hidden away start to reveal themselves and the flaws and bad traits you pretend don't exist come to light.

People buy their own propaganda. We don't face our weaknesses and don't try to turn them into strengths. In fact how many say often 'Oh well, I'm only human...'. Its the ultimate excuse for all our limiting beliefs, false assumptions and emotional baggage we carry around with us daily.

On the surface, not dealing with these inner issues can hold you back from retaining any sort of relationship. On a deeper level, it can lead to unhappiness and recycling of negative situations. 

Anyone who seeks to be successful in any area should start with themselves first.

Inspired by this i've been looking inward again this weekend and it seems recently:

I get angry & defensive when dealing with incompetence - The fear here is having this reflect on me. I need see things from another point of view and try to understand. I've actually been trying this lately and the change in response and assistance and the general mood is amazing.

I never finish a project - Typically i'm all over the place and fill my dairy to the brim. I'm always late, and always busy. The fear here is having to sit and do nothing... of missing out or being useless? 

I think too much - There is too much going on in my head for me to make sense of it these days. I over think everything to the point i'm not aware of my surroundings. The fear here is looking at myself and being content with what i see and being content with what i have.

I'm making an effort to challenge these fears more now and make changes on an internal level. And the hard part? It's not the changes. For me its acceptance. Everything is balance... and accepting yourself for who you are (warts an all) while in the process of trying to be better is the key to balance in this lesson. 

Anyway if you get a chance... try it. Or at least think about it every time you see your shadow ;)

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