Apr 26, 2009

How to choose a long-term boyfriend...



My last long-term relationship was five years long. He was a gorgeous, tall, grey-eyed Adonis. There was an air of quiet confidence about him. He was strong & silent. He watched me dance across a crowded room. His interest intrigued me and i knew we would meet. 

In fact I fell in love at first sight.... I do not recommend you do the same.

Why? Well because i gave this boy my heart before i liked who he was as a person. I never noticed his flaws before it was too late. The bad points i would have to endure and live with only surfaced after i was well and truly hooked. A relationship doomed to failure. I would love to say that when you meet the right person it all falls into place and nothing matters anymore....

... but thats not true long term. For me anyway.

Now I fall in love cautiously & slowly. The passion and connection may ignite when we meet, but takes time to grow into something durable & everlasting. I will not be tricked by my emotional attachment or my addiction to how he makes me feel. I will not allow anyone to mean so much to me unless i really, truly respect them first. He has to be someone i would consider worthy of friendship. There has to be more than lust or love. 

There has to be like.

I know what you're thinking. Thats absurd. How can you fall in love with someone you don't like? Well it has to do with the fact that when you first meet someone they are on their best behaviour. You only see their 'good' side. Strong attraction spans into spending lots of time together. You build an emotional connection with that person. Your roots entwine like two potted plants now sharing the same soil.... until one day, you are in love. And the uprooting of your life together is too painful to even consider ripping apart. It hurts to disengage. They become habit. They become your reflection and his traits become yours. Which is unfortunate if they are not the person who you thought they were when you met....

So, i have reservations about letting anyone have the 'label' of being my boyfriend. I am choosy. I will not say 'i love you' or commit to him with my whole heart very easily. He has to meet certain criteria. He has to be what i prefer. And it was while dating a lot last year that i developed these preferences. I wrote these down in my creative journal back then - the "List of things i look for in a Boyfriend". It isn't comprehensive or complete, but was what i was looking for then and maybe still stands now.

Of course when it comes down to it i'm attracted to a guy who is 'like' me... kinda geeky, fashionable, random, obsessed with details, able to cook, into aesthetics, healthy, active, driven, caring, open-minded, cheeky, sexy, confident.... and maybe he looks like 'Tom Welling' in the pic above lol

But enough dream-boy musings, here is the actual list i wrote at the time:

1) You must be active and adventurous. A guy who likes to try new things and not get bogged down in logistics or negatives. Be up for anything and it will inspire me to suprise you with random experiences. I am creative. I need you to be too.

2) Kiss me like there is no tomorrow. And do it slowly like you have all the time in the world. Make my world spin and my knees go weak. Show me stars and i'll give them to you.

3) Make time for me. Plan our weekends. Give me something to get excited about and dream of during the mundane. Rearrange your day to include even just a quick phone call. Text me when your thinking about me. Show me i'm a priority and i'll do the same for you.

4) Do the little things that make me smile. I won't be expecting you to think of my needs, but i'll be grateful when you do. And in return i'll show you how much i care by thinking of you too.

5) Understand me. I don't do anything to hurt you intentionally. If you try i will listen and not twist your words or assume you are selfish. I wouldn't be with you otherwise.

6) Have a good heart and make time for others. Trust your friends and be loyal. Take care of your family. I see goodness in people before anything else. Don't prove me wrong.

7) Be confident in yourself. Know you are amazing. Live your life like you don't need me to love you, and i will love you more.

8) Don't let it get to you. Anger, worry, stress and depression are not my friends. They are hardly present in my life because i choose it. If you entertain them on a regular basis i can't save you if i'm to love you too. It will only push me away if you avoid the silver lining and refuse to see the bright side. I live there most of the time so you won't get the 'real' me, and i will just annoy you.

9) Show me affection. Don't be scared to reach out and hug me from time to time. I like the connection when your hand holds mine. Your arm around my waist is reassuring. I love it when you pull me close in bed and hold me until i fall asleep.

10) Don't make promises you can't keep. And tell me in advance if you can't commit. I won't be upset or grow cold if you are honest and at least try to do your best. 

11) Lose your addictions. I will never respect a guy who has no will power to change his life for the better or seek to improve his health. Choice is powerful. Its ok to be open to the possibility but knowing you can refuse is what i like about you.

12) Turn me on. Enough to distraction. Make me want you all the time... and i will do the same i promise you ;)

13) Don't be tight or materialistic. In fact, don't let how much you have be your focus. More money can be made and if we are as amazing as i think we'll be then there will be days when we won't need to leave the house to have a great time. Still occasionally we can splash out and go wild. One day you'll be too old for your money to be of any use. Now is the time to live.

14) Learn with me everything that is worth knowing. Tell me what you read yesterday and i'll show you my latest talent. Inspire me to be more than i am and i'll motivate you to be all that you can be.

15) Communicate. Tell me what you are thinking and how i make you feel. Let me inside your mind. Don't assume i know. Don't be a mystery. 

16) Tell me i'm wrong. Sometimes i am. But if you argue or sulk i will lose interest so be mature in the way you deal with my faults. I am only human.

17) Be loyal and in turn trust me. I have never cheated on a boyfriend and don't plan on doing so in the future. One day we may change and fall out of love with each other but for now if you want the best of me, you'll need to open up and throw caution to the wind. Remember... i have been hurt too.

18) Take charge. I like it you have it all worked out or when you take control. If you want me... come and get me. I prefer a guy to chase.

19) If you mess me about i will lose interest. Flakiness is a turn off. Do it once and i will try to understand, do it twice and i will get annoyed, do it a third time and i'm sorry but i will realise i'm wasting my time.

20) Make me laugh. Even if you have to hold me down and tickle me.... trust me it could be fun ;)

And so girls, i advise you to "write a list" too. And if you don't know what to write...'date' a while in order to develop your preferences. Or write down what you don't want and then list the opposite. Because once you know... it is easier to find it, and you'll be amazed at how the men in your life start to reflect what you ask for. 

And we always get what we ask for. Standard quantum mechanics...

6 comments:

Chef Green

YOU would be my ideal boyfriend. Only you are a woman! Oh, the horror. My list is shockingly similiar...only with a little more 'lavender.'

the.lifestyle.artist

haha! J you are the funniest creature. If only you swung both ways... *sigh*

Kami

rofl guess what? Yeah my list is almost the same too... man we should write a "How to be a perfect boyfriend" book... :D
This is a very well written list, perfect I would say for attracting what you want in your life, which I am sure will happen really soon.
You are a mature and wise woman and this could be seen in your pertinent advices... yes, a relationship should be more than lust and love, though they are required.
I would add to it some questions I heard from T Robbins
1. Can he do the job of being your boyfriend?
2. Is he willing to do the job (long term)?
3. Do you have similar or complementary values and goals?
... this is all I can remember at the moment :D

9volter

Having a list must be a 'woman thing'.. I couldn't have a list of the things I would like to find in a girlfriend. As long as she interests me enough to make me want to forget about everything else.. I suppose I don't mind if she's not exactly like me. Though I agree that for a long-term relationship, those differences better be easy to accept for both. Nice post. I hope it would help you find the ideal boyfriend for you eventually.

the.lifestyle.artist

9volter - nothing wrong with a girl knowing what she wants ;) I always gets girls saying tehy want to find love but they haven't a clue what kinda guy they could see themselves with longterm. maybe my list is a little impossible but i like to aim for the top and at least then i have an idea of where i'm going lol. though at the end of the day its how the other person makes you 'feel' ;) i agree. but if i guy was all of those things he would make me feel great! LOL I know what makes me happy... and any guy i meet i'll tell him these things so at least knows how to read me. Its like giving him an instruction manual to my heart ;)

M.J.

I need a man who can "dance like no one's watching." I fell in love with my boyfriend of five years on a dance floor...

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