Apr 13, 2009

When is the best time to call a guy...


Yesterday i was curious about Cartoonist Guy's girl in Italy. For the first time in our friendship he seems to really like a girl... even if it has only been as long as a few weeks. He admitted he likes her a lot. And she texts/calls him almost every day.

Since i get asked the question of 'is it ok to call a guy?' or 'when is the best time to call a guy?' I decided to see what it was that she was doing right with him.

Me: So as a guy, do you like it when a girl calls you a lot/call you first... that kinda thing?
CG: Yeah, of course. I can't speak for every guy... i like the attention. But what i like is that when K messages me it is without stress. She is different. Other girls get annoying when the text to much.
Me: What do you mean 'without stress'?
CG: Well she never asks me 'what are you doing?' or 'who are you with?'. She will say something about what she is doing instead.
Me: Oh i see. Like a statement?
CG: Yeah i guess. She isn't demanding. It is easy to reply.... or not.
Me: And if you don't reply?
CG: Then she doesn't mind. She has her own life. I'm not the center of it. She is understanding if i don't have time for her. Though she did say she missed me now i'm not in Italy which was nice...

The way K is behaving is from a place of security. She doesn't need Cartoonist Guy to reply to her messages for reassurance/validation. Even if she does feel she wants his attention. She doesn't show it. She also expresses openly that she misses him but doesn't follow up with needy or chasing behaviour. The slight contradiction in this is very attractive because CG as all guys (and girls) likes attention, but only the positive kind.

K is also understanding of CG's other obligations. She doesn't punish him if he can't make time for her like other girls do. You wouldn't get shitty with a friend if they were busy so why would you treat a guy you are dating any different (of course if they repeatedly blow you out that's a different story). She is not being a doormat, but realising he had a life before he met her and will continue to do so now.

Maybe when we were young we dropped everything for love... but that is an immature way to approach dating and is not sustainable. Many couples split because one person has lost themselves and their independence when they were in the relationship, and needed the other more than they themselves were needed. Its only as we get older & wiser that we learn balance is required to prolong happiness in love.

So it is ok to call a guy... just realise that most guys don't tolerate 'confrontation' or 'stress' of any kind well, especially the emotional kind. Men they don't have our luxury of talking openly about an issue with our caring & understanding girlfriends or having a good heartfelt sob into a pillow (well maybe they might do the latter when no one is looking...). Men have to control their emotions in front of society, especially their 'bros' and the best way to do this is to avoid it. In other words.... when a girl starts to behave in a way that makes them feel 'stress' they stop calling and put some distance in the relationship. Its not that they don't want to see you. Its just that its easier to avoid the situation and the questions all together and that way they don't have to lie or disappoint you. In truth no man wants to hurt a girl intentionally.

So with that in mind, for a girl to create that feeling in a guy where he is happy to hear from you. Give him no reason to suspect that it will lead to an interrogation. A guy needs to feel it is safe in the water before he decides to take a swim. And once he does start to 'trust' you (yes its all about trust....) he will feel safe enough to tell you the answers to the questions you want all by himself.

Me: So what do you text back?
CG: *laughs* I probably tell her what i'm doing and who with....
Me: Oh lord... you men are weird

8 comments:

Chef Green

Good lord yes men are weird...and I'm one of them. I do not understand us! LOL

wendy

I love it! Why is this part always so hard for us (females)? Thanks for the tips. :)

the.lifestyle.artist

J - But you are a 'cool' guy who can cook so i'll let you off ;)

Wendy - thx for your feedback... they help me and my friends so hopefully they help others ;)

The Novelista Barista

I gave you an award today!
http://novelistabarista.blogspot.com/2009/04/award.html

Happy Friday :)

Erika

Hey, cool blog ...

I agree with most of what you say ... having a relaxed approach means as a woman you can do just about anything and don't need to follow any "rules" about not calling/texting/emailing guys ... especially if the girl is truly detached from the outcome, which I highly recommend just cuz it feels good to not care what happens.

That said, I think the worst thing a woman can do is actually be upset with a guy and pretend to be "cool" and not upset.

Either we are upset, or we are not, but pretending is incongruent because our words don't match our inner state. Other people pick up on the incongruence on a subconscious level.

This is why I focus way less on what a person is doing in the world and way more on their inner state. The outer tends to fall into place when the inner is strong.

Anyway, I'm glad to see another girl blog that has gotten away from rigid and imprisoning "Rules" of dating.

I'd love for you to check out my blog too.

cheers,
- Erika from www.awakeningfromthedream.blogspot.com

9volter

Great post. And yep it's true, we guys (most of us) don't like it when girls ask too many questions; we prefer them showing they care without feeling like the world crashes down if we don't reply... We're awful. Erm.. We're sorry. Haha.

the.lifestyle.artist

Erica - hey right back atcha. your blog is great ;) very in line with my philosophy to dating/relationships etc. I totally agree re: pretending to be 'cool'. ppl always pick up on subconscious emotions regardless of what mask you wear. Which is why it's important to work on your inner self just as much as the out. That way you are a solid personality rather than being transparent when emotions run high. Its harder, but easier on your self in the long run to change your own perception of the situation than to 'fake' being ok with it ;) Also if i'm not ok with it... i agree, honestly is the best policy. You just have to know what your boundaries are and not get confuse someone crossing your boundary with the demands of your ego. thx so much for stopping by and commenting!

NB - an award! thank you so much ;) i love awards!!

9volter - Lol! you don't have to apologise. Us women have a lot to learn from how some guys can control their emotions and don't fall into dependency on others as easily. I also think guys could learn from women how to open up a bit more too. In fact we both have a lot to learn from each other (though i tend to focus only what women need to learn as its something i can relate to lol). Thx for commenting ;)

disa

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