Apr 22, 2009

How to love unconditionally...

Tonight i had visitor. I invited him to dinner mainly out of curiosity. You see his message compelled me to call. All it said was "I realised something today....". 

"So what did you realise?" I asked after waiting patiently most of the night for him to open up. M, with his ability to evade direct questions, said something flippant that made me laugh. I threw the tea towel at him and he smirked... a grin easing on to his beautiful face. 

"I realised a few things, many of them i realised a long time ago, but never felt them until now." I nodded while i drank tea, and stared into his eyes. I could listen to M talk for a lifetime. He sat opposite and talked about how the problems he was facing in life were showing him many things. Indeed he was grateful for them. Life goes in cycles of good and bad, constantly oscillating towards a better understanding of the present. Without each experience there is no comparison or learning and therefore no resolution with our current situation. In fact if we don't have acceptance of it all, we may end up living the same dramas but with different people or environments. Learn what it is you need to learn and change your reaction or repeat the lesson over and over. 

I suddenly felt like i had been chasing my tail with my thoughts most of the week. It was clear that i had fallen into a trap of allowing my mind to convince me i had to win at all costs. Pride is the right hand of even the weakest ego, and i was too proud to let myself down. Or what i felt was 'down', because direction is all in the how your perceive it. In fact i could have been fighting against myself this entire time, like a pet kitten playing with it's reflection. Sometimes it's staring you straight in the face, and you can't see it because your conditioning, your emotional baggage, your disappointments, your own mind.... tells you that you are right. Well maybe you are not right and the only one losing out ends up being you.  

When the mind controls you through fear, when you come from a selfish place... others around you also come from there. It is only when you speak from the heart that you can inspire others to do the same. 

In some ways i don't know how to speak from the heart and i admitted as much to M. His smile seemed to say he expected this question. He reminded me then of unconditional love.

"Imagine two people. One is happy, independent. Complete. Another person comes along who is also happy. Together the energy between them is amazing. The feed off each other and it is almost better than before. Now one will eventually close off to the other if that person is unable to maintain giving. Maybe they are fearful, maybe they need to be in control, maybe they are wanting more... so they stop giving. The other person may respond by also pulling away but what they are doing is mirroring the fearful person and in that way they are bringing themselves down to that level to get attention. And then a drama begins with both people fighting for affection, both unwilling to give freely like before. 

In unconditional love... the person who is less fearful says "here have the energy you want from me. take it"  then refills elsewhere from other things in their life. The have no need to fight for a limited source of love. And this means they can give freely without expectation or need of receiving anything back. In a relationship where both give freely, there is no fear, and therefore no loss. Speaking from the heart is like that. It is selfless."

I pondered his words as he kissed my cheek goodbye. How many times do i say "I" or "Me" when i think or speak..... 

randomly there are 20 "I"s & 4 "me"s in this post.



It sounds like quite the amazing evening, dear.
I must commiserate and comment.

I understand that love is/should be/can be selfless, but you must always first think of *how you feel.* Your feelings are the true barometer of your relationship; of your life.

Is "being a good partner" really saying "here, take it [said energy]?" In some ways I agree; in others I completely disagree.

To quote one of your comments on my blog, "I know nothing about love." We all just do the best we can and try not to repeat the same lesson over and over. Funny: we can all get degrees from university. Few of us can get the honorary awards of the human heart (our own).

Wishing you well


I get you... its hard to see why we should 'give' freely. Our own self preservation gets in the way most of the time ;) I think what M was trying to tell me was that unconditional love only works when there is no expectation and no need to have anything back. And it is not addicted to anyone person. It is broader than that... more spiritual.

For me, the selfish, feeling, emotional me... it is probably the hardest thing to ever achieve, because i still need love of the 'normal' variety, of which i know nothing about lol!

Thanks for your words J.


Very insightful. I know I am scared little girl when it comes to my relationship. Luckily, I have the most understanding and giving boyfriend in the world. Maybe one day, with his help, I too will be able to love without fear...


I feel that love is like two cups. For one person to endlessly and freely pour his emotions into another without receiving anything in return is futile. Someone will eventually end up empty inside.

You shouldn't expect to be loved by everyone, or to be fully dependent on another, but if in being with someone you are being drained...whats the point?

Relationships are about equal parts. To believe you should forever just give give give without ever receiving is very selfish.


OmegaRadium - lol! i never meant to say that you should give and give forever. Maybe it came across that way. What M was trying to convey was that if you do what ppl don't expect, which is offer love instead of being only out for what you can get. it can inspire them to stop their control drama and open up too and give back. Ppl expect selfishness... they don't expect an unconditional love reaction. And it can inspire ppl move to your level instead of them bringing you into their 'drama'.

I agree i would never endorse anyone to give more than they can. You can only give if you have it spare. Always you should give to yourself first as that is the only way you can help others

or you can carry on giving if you have an endless supply to give but that comes from years and years of working on your inner self or becoming a person who is detached from addictive love like the Dalai Lama or Mother Teresa.... make sense?

I'm not very good at conveying my meanings sometimes. Apologies. I wrote the post at 2am. I think I was tired. Your feedback is great ;)

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