Apr 15, 2010

The key to happiness...

... is right where you are standing.

I was told that once by a close friend of mine when i called him to have my daily rant about all the wrongs in my life and how if i just moved to another country it would all be so much better!

And as always he was right. We all go through dark periods, or times when we feel hurt, or others disappoint us so much we react badly. And its perfectly natural to blame someone else or even to blame yourself. But the key to really moving on from every set back, being happy, confident and successful, is to forgive, understand and accept... in that order.

And anyone can do this any time, anywhere, whatever the situation. And here are some exercises that can help:

1) The art of appreciation: I love writing lists. Many people think its a complete waste of time writing things down because you can keep the list in your head... wrong. The action of writing words actually sets off a chain of recognition in your brain, almost at sub-conscious level, to bring your attention the points on your list more often than not. In other words, you write it - you notice it. So with that in mind (no pun intended!) the best way to appreciate what you already have is to write a huge, detailed list once a week of everything you have to be thankful for. Break down each category (career, love, family, social etc) into a multitude of great things you have right now to enjoy, and then further flesh these out to say why you enjoy them.

2) Pivoting your pov: anything and everything that happens in your life, whether you caused it or someone else did to you can be pivoted. Its a great technique for seeing the silver lining in everything or realising that 'everything is a good thing'. Imagine that how you feel about a situation is like a coin. There are two sides- one bad and one good. Its easy and logical that the bad side makes you feel... well crap and the the good side makes you feel wonderful, so if you know that to be a fact, and you can control which side of the coin you experience just by flipping it. Choose to believe or focus on only the positive thoughts or outcomes of the situation. Tell yourself why its the best thing since sliced bread. How does it benefit you? Realise its never going to be worse that this, and truly you've lost only what you allow. Each situation teaches you something... at least you won't have to learn it again next time round. If nothing be happy for your clarity.

3) Be good company: I can't stand to be around myself when im moping. I'm actually quite boring and tiring to even myself, let alone other people. Knowing what you're worth is a perfect place to start so write a page on your good qualities and why you're an amazing person, or soon to be... then dump the saddo you've become in favour of the new you. Refuse to grieve/mope/moan any longer as you deserve some better company than that! and whatever brings you down will never be enough to waste your life over. Focus on knowledge that when you're positive, confident, appreciative, like who you are and can forgive the actions you've taken to get to this point, others will also like you and forgive you too. Anything that is dynamic and moving and inspiring is attractive, and 'like attracts like'... so if you want inspiring, happy, great friends/people around, the change starts with you.

4) Set personal goals: Having something to aim for is fundamental to your mental health. You can set daily, weekly, yearly or even lifetime goals to inspire you to act. They can range from stupid things like '7 dates in 7 days' to real skills like 'learn spanish' (the former i've actually been committed to do next month!). Better to get a group of friends and set goals together that each achieve something for one person. So say your friend is wanting to lose weight... together you can set a goal to join the local pole dancing class and aim to be able to hold your own weight off the ground by christmas. You'll have fun thinking up strange and wonderful goals and seeing them pan out over time (and if you're interested i have an online group starting next month so email me if you want to join!).

5) See the bigger picture: my housemate has converted me to being able to watch horror. Now if you know me you would understand Lisa does not watch/enjoy/like anything scary in the movie world. However i am now able to watch 'Supernatural' without hiding behind a pillow or screaming and having nightmares every night. How? Well its only because i KNOW the two heroes in the series (who are very hot i might add) are still alive in series 3/4 and we are only watching series 1. So the bigger picture tells me all will be ok, well and most importantly the main characters don't die (especially Dean, with the long-lashed, blue eyes and 2 day old stubble smile i can't get enough of). How does this apply to life? Well if each setback or shit-hits-the-fan drama in your life is the creepy ghost per episode, it only stands to reason that as the main character you will survive and live for another series. Losing your job, lover or loved one is not the end of the world like it may seem at the peak of emotion. As always this too shall pass....

Right time to sign off get back to my own show.

But heres a little Jensen Ackles (aka Dean from Supernatural) to keep you toasty until next time....

Luv ya


Apr 6, 2010

Im the girl guys sleep with before The One...

... like in that film "Good Luck Chuck" (without the sexy jessica alba above of course).

Its happened to every ex-lover or ex-boyfriend of mine so far. They get with me its great. But after me they meet that girl, the one who could be "The One". I'm like the last wild sex act before they commit, only they don't know it at the time. Its only after when they call me to tell me they're happily married/engaged/in-love that it dawns on me. And tonight it hit me after it happened with a guy who pretty much told me that it never would when i told him of my track record... maybe im cursed?

Of course i know im joking. After my initial crying myself to sleep at the news im pretty much ok about it. Im actually really happy for him, and for all of the other guys out there that have slept with me and found love too ;) Truth is these men were never for me. And i wouldn't want them to lose out on something good just to keep me from getting upset.

Of all my ex-lovers and ex-boyfriends, i've never wanted to keep in touch with any of them after. Mainly because there was too much emotion or attraction. I'm glad to say that the last guy, i very much want to still be able to talk to one day... and im sitting here with a smile on my face while i write this. Of all the men i know, he's the one that deserved to find that someone the most. It took a lot of courage for him to tell me and im glad he did and just wish one day i could tell him this for real. But for now, while he needs me to go away... this blog will have to do.

And possibly i shouldn't tell guys that going out with me will lead them to love. They'd probably all run for the hills? ... or would they ;)

All i know is i am not going to do a chuck and test this theory on some super fat, ugly bloke!


Apr 5, 2010

The art of letting go of a guy...

I'm not very good at this... I have to really and truly believe someone is a bad person for me to let them go. It's worse when its a guy i care about, the one who always redeems himself at the final straw. I'm a sucker for seeing the best in people. And i always seem to get hurt trying to make them see it too, giving second chances over and over again.

But me im like a lot of girls. We just can't separate our feelings. Its like our brains are a classic family sunday dinner plate - all the feelings are piled high and mixed up, no boundaries between the types of thoughts, in fact everything just one brown mess. At work its hard to leave behind our day dreams of love, during sex we start to drift into musings about our wardrobe... we just can't compartmentalize. Not the way men do.

And as product of our entangled minds, we find it hard to move things about. Its not easy to put that guy out of your mind for a few months, and then pick up where you left off when it suits. We can only put to bed thoughts and feelings that have run their course completely - so for a meaningful friendship or relationship to end... we girls usually have to get hurt beyond repair before we will finally let go with no intention of ever looking back.

After talking to a lot of guys about this topic, i can see this is not the way it happens for a man. You see his brain is like one of those tv dinner trays... loads of little compartments for each type of thought. And when he's indulging in work, nothing else exists, and likewise for the company he keeps. And guys also have this hidden compartment where they can hide thoughts and feelings for weeks, months, years even from their own consciousness. And when a certain situation doesn't sit with a guy and its not his priority right now, he can utilise this hidden part of his brain to forget the situation while he focuses on the moment in front of him. This does mean that if those feelings are strong, that when they do eventually surface, he will have to deal with the emotions he suppressed a while ago (this explains those men that always come back too late). But most guys just stick everything in there (meaningful or not) and sometimes they never surface.

What this does mean is that guys don't let things go like women think they do.

How many times have i heard a girl say "but he acts like he doesn't care. how can he be so cold after we were so close". Its because he hasn't let it go in the way women let things go. When a girl decides to finally let go, its because she is left with no other choice. She'll never see him in the same way ever again. The feelings she had have been killed for good and theres no going back. But a man finds it easy to let go, because in essence hes not, he's just not thinking about it anymore, and so doesn't exist.

As a girl who knows this, i've tried to use the man-technique and 'not think' about my feelings, but my brain being a pile of mush means that the feeling/thought is not hidden very well and on days when im feeling like the world is out to get me (in my well as 'Mars/Venus' expert John Gray would say)... it all just merges into one big emotion. Then all i want to do is sit on my bed/sofa and watch sad movies until i cry my heart out.

This is when transference happens, and if something you felt you didn't care about last week emerges, suddenly it becomes the most important thing in the world. And say you just had a bad day at work, or your cat died.... all your hurt transfers to something thats been bobbing just beneath the surface, say an old flame didn't text you back, and BANG, he was the love of your life and you just can't live without him! Its only after you've had a bath, done your make-up and gone out drinking with a friend... you look good, and you know it, and you're back to your confident, sassy self... that you realise just how pathetic you were about 3 hours ago when u hid under the duvet with a pillow to hug, mascara running down your face.

Sometimes it sucks to be a girl....
But remember at least when we do walk away from something, be that a crap job, an old flame or a bad friend, we don't look back with regrets.

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