Oct 26, 2009

A girl's perspective on... "Breakthrough Comfort"

In the male dominated community based on female psychology for dating and relationships, Breakthrough Comfort is the term to describe the fundamentals behind creating a deep and lasting emotional connection with a girl.... in other words 'how to make her fall in love with you'.

In my view successful dating requires a mix of two - attraction (desire for control) and comfort (intense feel-good emotions). Combined you should have in most cases an interesting cocktail for flirty fun with almost anyone you choose. This being that you know what you are doing...

In my experience 'attraction' is the easier of the two to create, And also get over. I've never cried at night over a losing the attention of a rich guy or a man who had all the girls. But comfort is a nasty bitch waiting to happen. On its own its creepy and clingy and all the 'too-nice-guys' have it in spades... but combine it with a healthy dose of 'attraction', and the push-pull effect comes into play on a larger scale than just plain-jane 'hot & cold'.

Why? Well lets look at what a girl really wants. Simply to quote Julia Roberts 'We want the fairytale'... a strong white knight (attraction: power & status) coming to rescue us (comfort: big strong guy saves the fragile princess) on a white horse (comfort: awww, he likes animals too *simper*) from a very tall tower (attraction: dangerous & risky, he must be brave) who will whisk us away into the sunset to live happily ever after (comfort: he sees that we're special, no one else). In other words.... we want the cool guy to fall in love with us.

Breakthrough Comfort suggests techniques that convince a girl the guy in question is 'falling' for her. Women spend a lot of time dissecting a guy's behaviour. We have 'sweet' actions (this proves he loves me) and 'indifferent' actions (he doesn't care about me). Now for comfort to work there has to be both types of actions, because 'sweet' actions mean more at the end of the day if they are few and far between... but there has to be just enough to keep the girl from thinking the guy is callus bastard.

Ok so guys i bet you're thinking 'wow this sounds great'... but seriously i can vouch for the pain caused if they are not meant for something long-lasting and real:

While i adore the effect and feeling of 'deep-comfort' when its directed toward me (what girl wouldn't want a guy she is attracted to kiss her forehead affectionately, or stare into her eyes like he's lost in them)... they don't belong in a fling or other casual dalliances. Us girls convince ourselves that when a guy acts this way there can be no other reason other than he 'feels' a deep connection (translation: he is in love) and we see these few and far between actions as proof he is just in denial or afraid (translation: he needs reassurance before he can commit). We then relax and open our hearts and start to 'trust', because after the big-bad world has abused us its nice to know there is one big strong guy out there who will make it better. The only drawback is women don't close off their emotions very easily once the floodgates have opened, like men do. We take a long time warming up, but the cool-off can be forest fire. (a word of warning: some women are not emotional stable to handle rejection after this = bunny boiler time)

Breakthrough Comfort may be the the 'key' to getting her to fall in love with you, but i know honesty, attraction and light-hearted flirting work better at maintaining long term flings. Women these days are able to enjoy casual sex if we know the score all the way through the game. We like being able to detach and have fun without engaging our emotions too. Guys, please don't pull the wool over our eyes and let your deep-down insecurities (wanting everyone to like you/love you and needing emotional approval) create a situation you can't handle further down the line.

But if you want to break hearts then go for it, but i believe karma is a bitch who doesn't forget being scorned.

Oct 17, 2009

Rules of the game: understanding women of the digital age... because some men still don't

You know one thing that strikes me as a 'no-brainer' is what women want, but thats probably because i'm in a very good position to know... i am one. Sure there are a lot of ebooks and material to share on the subject of female psychology. I know. I've read a lot! But its seriously lacking and i'll tell you why.

Women don't know what they want.

So how can a guy who has had luck sleeping with a ballpark of women know anything more about female desires than the women themselves? Truth is he can't... all he knows is how to score by making her feel like she knows what she wants at that time - him. Its manipulation of feelings and thoughts that drive a girl to 'want' a guy. Don't get me wrong, i'm not saying its bad... in fact every close and personal situation we encounter is a manipulation of sorts. Today i made a guy behind the food counter feel good about himself by being friendly and chatty. I gave him positive emotions which caused him to 'want' to serve me well. He did and we both walked away happy. Emotions are contagious and breed more of the same, and you can bring more of the same about just by allowing their very existence in your life. Even negative...

But such emotional exchanges, for want of a better label, need to have balance. A mutual acceptance of terms. Kinda like agreeing to 'play a game' by the rules dictated (unspoken) at the start. So for in order for the situation with the food counter guy to go smoothly, i had to give him something... i had to give him a good feeling and my attention. That took effort and energy on my part, so as not to appear false. He then agreed without needing to verbalise it to serve me in a pleasant and efficient manner.

It seems we enter all sorts of 'games' or unspoken contracts in life (Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne)... with our parents, with our managers, various games with different types of friends, and quite heavily with our lovers.

Usually the games are played out fairly with everyone taking their role and giving back as much as they get. However problems and broken contracts arise when the rules get twisted and negative outcomes occur. This happens when the 'manipulations' become more selfish. One person seeking to gain more or 'win' by force rather than allow the other to give freely, or just not giving or playing by the rules anymore. And this is why even if you 'know' what you must do to maintain balance within the relationship... your ego (whether it be a needy or overbearing one) can get in the way and mess things up.

Your limbic brain, also known as "lizard" or "reptilian" brain is the part of your mind that works beyond judgment and logic. It makes snap decisions needed in times of stress (fight or flight) and these are always very selfish because they exist only for survival. They are always negative and self-serving actions that don't take others into consideration. They can't, you have to protect you and you only so once this system engages... you will not be understanding to the needs and feelings of anyone else (bar maybe your offspring).

In times of extreme emotion or stress the limbic brain is often the part of you that takes over. Its the part of you that says those nasty retorts, gets hysterical and teary or runs away from the hurt (most women) or gets defensive and cold, shuts your emotional system down and cuts off all communication (most men). I've found myself doing some or all of these things when pushed into a corner, and only afterwards i've calmed down and gone "oh why the hell did i go off the rail like that?". It also seems the more familiar and comfortable the relationship, the lower the barrier you have shielding your limbic brain from the rest of your body... i'm not sure why this is. Maybe closer relationships have the ability to engage deeper more stressful conditions? Or maybe the hurt is so unexpected from someone so dear to you that the shock brings forward your most instinctive, most protective reaction?

So how do you keep a well deserving balance and not let your lizard brain do the talking? Well i've found that taking a break from the situation helps or bringing in a third perspective. The major problem i've found with both these scenarios is that this relies on the women to 'see' sense first and be the one with more understanding. Women are more likely to want to deal with the 'drama' straight away because their emotions are closer to the surface. Men on the other hand close off and deal with it later. So commonly women are required to ignore their natural instincts when in a stressful situation. This doesn't mean that men are reacting the right way, because more than likely they are avoiding the issue more than going away and thinking things through. But more often than not women are expected to comply with adapting to a man's world because men don't waste energy unnecessarily. But what if i was to say that it is necessary to make a women feel 'safe' about taking a time-out. We're so scared men will make us forget there was a bad feeling in the first place. Men are good at that. Thats why we cling on so tenaciously. We need that security. We need to know we can talk about it later and have our voice heard. Why don't men know this already?

All i get told is that women are irrational and dramatic and need to "just be cool" about things. I know us girls get 'over-emotional' and 'needy' and should calm down sometimes... but surely its a two way process? Why can't they men "understand women more" and realise we try so hard to be so tough and independent so much, all day long... that sometimes all we want is reassurance and guy's shoulder to cry on. I mean we're happy to live in an age where women are equal and all that shit.

We can cope with getting our own bookcases and building them, we can move house on our own and don't need any guy to drive the van or life heavy stuff, we never ask for their presence walking home in the dark every night, we fix our own cars, we manage our own finances, we buy our own homes and live in them, we nurture high-flying careers, we ignore our biological clock in case we scare off potential suitors, we do everything women weren't doing 50 years ago and we still do everything they always did - give birth, cook & clean, raise the children, look stunning but not slutty, act coy and demure but bold and daring, try not to encourage other guy's attentions (even when were supposed to want sex just as much as men?!) but be a raving sexual minx in the bedroom and be ready for it anytime of the day.... you know i could go on, but my point is in this day and age women are expected to be everything and more.

Men just don't seem to allow for the kind of strain this can put us into. They don't understand our emotions are just underneath the surface and rise up to engulf us at any given moment. Its not something they have to deal with so why should they? And yet us girls are constantly told how we must be to impress men and keep a guy interested, how we must think more like guys so that they understand and respect us more, yet keep our feminine charms. And you know what... i can do that, limbic brain or not i can be all and everything a guy desires in a woman. I enjoy making men want me and making men happy. All i ask is the same in return and a little support and understanding every now and again when the perfect mask slips. Just open your eyes and look around and see why i'm upset. Listen to the words i use. Try to understand, especially if i'm understanding you. Dont get defensive! Women don't always blame men for things, we're just upset and needy because we think emotionally (not having a go!) and think you can make it better even if you didn't make the hurt. We want to let you know what turmoil is going on inside, we want you to know the situation upsets us because you are so important to us (not because its your fault and you have to fix it!), yes you with your big buff body (that u spend hours in the gym moulding) we want you to just listen and feel glad we are upset over you because u mean so much and just hold us and be there and make us feel safe. Thats all...

Ok end of rant. My limbic brain obviously had a direct connection the keyboard just then! ;)

Oct 15, 2009

Losing a friend... sometimes its for the best

When i was a kid i used to own a cute spotted pony called 'Polka'. He was my first pony so you can imagine the bond i developed with him. I loved the bones of that pony so much. He helped me through crap times at school and losing family members. I remember he was always scared of everything, so much that he'd shy away in the middle of me jumping or cantering and then i'd be off... but he'd always come back to get me and wait for me to get back on again.

I remember he was always ill with colic (sort of bad tummy for horses) which can be fatal because of the delicate set up of their internal systems. And one day my dad picked me up from school and told me Polka had colic again. At the time all i could think of was the expense of vet bills i hardly gave any thought to losing him.... i was so blase about it all that when i walked into his stable i was too upset and shocked to speak.

Polka was lying in the straw, to ill and weak to even lift his head to whicker a friendly hello. Sweat marks stained his pretty coat and he looked so skinny and withdrawn. The pain must have been intense. My friend cradled his head in her lap and tears stained her face as she looked up at me. I knew then that this was not the same as last time... my heart felt like it had fallen out of my chest, i couldn't swallow for the lump in my throat. My dad hugged me and then helped me get Polka to stand. It was best if he walked to maybe dislodge the blockage, but the poor thing was so exhausted it took three of us girls and my dad to hold up this heavy pony. He fell over three times on the cobbles even so.

The vet came and diagnosed a twisted gut. Basically the blood supply to the stomach was cut off and he needed surgery to twist it back. The operation cost almost £2000...more than my friend was worth. My dad looked at my sad face and nodded to the vet. We loaded my Polka into a borrowed trailer and took him to the surgery. All the way there my friends told me stories of what we would do when Polka was better, where we would go riding, camping taking the ponies with us, the competitions we would enter and win.... i almost felt positive and happy all would be ok.

He died later on the operating table after the vet did all they could. I kept a lock of his mane and his horseshoe...and i wrote everything down i could remember so i wouldn't forget. Ironically, when i look back, the way i actually got over him was to force myself not to think of him at all and just forget. I let his memory fade until all i can see now in my mind's eye is a pretty white spotted pony in the snow, just like the picture above. I seem to have dissociated all emotion from the memory. It means nothing.

I'm not sure if it helped or not that i chose to let Polka go. His illness was so far advanced that he would get colic every 6 months if the vet hadn't put him to sleep, and every time he would be in pain and every time i would get hurt. It was the hardest decision i ever made as a child and even now i look back... it was for the best.

Oct 13, 2009

What would you do if you weren't afraid... sign-up to a bootcamp?

In about the time it takes for my tea to simmer from hot to tender & warm, i was able to skim through a well known book titled "who moved my cheese". Its been sitting on my book shelf for months now. A friend bought it for me knowing my love of inspiring reads. She even sprinkled the pages with glittery stars to spice up my enjoyment...

I liked the story and the repeating question "what would you do if you weren't afraid?". Sometimes fear keeps us trapped in many situations because we're afraid to leave our comfort zone. Anger and resentment makes us unhappy but still we don't change, all because of the fear of failing. And even though i know the lessons already, sometimes i need to hear it again, to remember it.

So what would i do if i wasn't afraid?

I'd open my heart again and stop pretending a set of rules can keep me safe from getting hurt

I'd trust those closest to me to do what they say they will and not find fault if they can't. I'd trust them to care about me so much that there is no reason they would hurt me on purpose

I'd let all my frustration and disappointment go over things not going how i planned, and just have faith that the world i've created is moving in the right direction for me to be the happiest i could ever be

I'd realise that i am exactly where i need to be, not behind or too far ahead, in exactly the right spot to learn and be who i desire to be. Happiness is here. I shouldn't ignore it or try to control the situation, I should just be.

I'd let go once i knew that there is nothing left to stay for and stop allowing possessions (material or otherwise) to become more important than my own pursuit of happiness.

I'd take control more and fight for what i wanted

I'd see myself as amazing as i am and stop looking or searching for the cracks

I'd make it happen

Funny thing is writing this out makes me laugh because although i 'know' this stuff inside out, suddenly all this makes sense again! I love who i am and you know i love most of all the fact that i see all of this and that i'm aware of my potential. Crazy, kooky love-hippy-chic with a spiritual soft-centre? Maybe but who gives a fuck if it makes me feel good right?

Anyway i'll leave you guys (boys only i'm afraid) with something to consider... a change to embrace if you fancy it:

A friend of mine, 5.0 is taking charge of his first official bootcamp with Sheriff in London. What is a bootcamp you may ask? Well its run by lovesystems a well known school that teaches 'the' methodology of how to talk, approach and date women successfully in any situation. I've been to a few of the seminars and talks and this stuff is eye-opening to say the least and i'm a girl! I've also been approach by 5.0 himself (yes that was how we met) and i must admit i was well and truly smitten for a while ;) And here i am promoting his shit so i must think he's cool still?!

Anyway there are a few seats left so if you want to go drop him an email
5.0@lovesystems.com. Just tell him i sent you ;) and he'll be extra nice cos you're my friend.

Laters xoxo

Oct 9, 2009

I want a fiat 500. Ok then!

New Adventure & Me-Time Plan

Project Mission: To get some alone time to finish writing, see something new and get away from London for the day this weekend since i have nothing booked!

Requirement: A Fiat 500, because i want one. Plan is to hire one which i can for £30 a day.

Destination: Anywhere south. Brighton?

Why: Because i can

Musings: Be nice to get away from the city and chill and meet new people and take some cool pictures with my Nikon that currently gathering dust, and make progress with my book.

And: I promise to blog about my adventure...

Sometimes i forget to focus on "what i really want"...

Know what you want, focus on it, and gradually make it happen...

I know it works because i've studied it and lived it for the last two years....

Only i've been quite negative recently, focusing heavily on what i 'don't' want and this is perpetuating a current 'shit-storm' that keeps raining heavily on my life.

I'm not sure how this happened, but the immediate effects are apparent. I've started to worry and get 'down' a lot about my situation. You see i'm homeless, or will be very soon. Come the end of the month i have no where to go! I've also had to deal with some heartache, and even though i know how to mend it, i still have to go through the motions of working through it. Bad emotions are a bitch... really, but they all come from the after-glow of self-pitying, whinny, negative thought patterns.

So i'm going to give my ego a kick and a re-start this weekend. I'm going to ban those little stray instances of 'poor me' and not just get on with it... i don't want to be a martyr. In fact i have more than a lot to be grateful for. I just need to get off my sorry ass and enjoy it!

So hence the 'Bad-Thought-Diet':

At least once a day i'm going to tweet about something amazing that happened to me or something cool about myself, anything as long as it positive.

I'm going to start reading material that opens up my awareness again, and allow the teachings of other people to influence my day and my perception of it

I'm also going to re-start my creative journal. I stopped writing in it because i didn't need it anymore. The good-feeling intentions generated in my mind were enough to sustain me. But slowly i've let things slide... i couldn't even motivate a cheerleader at a pep rally at this rate. So i'm going write in my journal everything i 'do' want in my life and focus on that.

Its time for a change... but like everything, the change needs to happen within first, and to be honest i'm tired of listening to myself moaning!

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