Big changes make you stronger.... or 'i'm so excited'

A few weeks ago i was asked... "if we needed you to re-locate to NY or LA would you consider?". Now you can imagine my reaction. Like 'hell yeah!" lol

I've always believed that where you live, where you are in your life, and what you do - all the external things, don't matter. Its who you are inside that counts and what you 'choose' to feel and how you 'choose' to act that determines your happiness. I mean if you live your life the way you want and always do the right thing by others, then how can you not feel good about yourself. Problems in your life always have a nasty way of following you and turning up when you least expect it, so running away doesn't help. However, there is something 'inspiring' about being given a fresh start....

I'm not just talking about moving to LA either, i'm talking about all things new... like new jobs, new people in your life and also new ideals and beliefs. Imagine that everything you used to be as the flora on each bank of the river, and you are say a twig floating down that river, the last thing you want to do is stagnate or get caught up in the reeds and foliage of just one particular belief, person, place or career.... if you do you might never make it to the ocean that symbolizes the bigger picture. Its super important to keep moving with the current beneath you, go where the wind takes you.

As much as i loved blogging about dating and psychology, its not something that i can see myself investing too much thought into now. You see life is about exploration and adventure, and there are so many other places in the realm of philosophy and imagination to visit, as well as physical experience.

When i started this blog i purposely named it something that meant a lot to me and always will... and that's the pursuit of truth and wisdom from life. There are no right answers or right ways to do things, and everyone is different. Trying to control or master certain aspects can be fun, but there's a danger with security through obsession. Do you ever really live if you box yourself into a corner?

I like taking chances, even if they leave me high and dry. If you don't try you'll never know right and so taking the risk of moving abroad might be the worst thing i've ever done but at least i reached for the stars.

Nothing can hold you back unless you make it that way, not anyone or anything in this world. I truly believe that. Imagine having no regrets because of that belief? because everything you do is the right thing for you, no matter what people say or books say or your ego tells you. Nothing is less true than your heart. And to live like you have nothing to lose but everything to gain, you have to listen to what it says.

I realised yesterday that i react from the heart naturally. Its about doing something because your gut tells you to, because you truly care and because you have nothing to gain. Its unconditional love for yourself that drives it. Its easy to forget and ignore, easy to see yourself in a bad light because others say so, or because your ego is unfulfilled. Its easier to accept the fear of hurting others and being hurt, and acting the bitch.

But strength comes from seeing your weaknesses and sharing them with people you care about, and opening your heart, to something more than what you allow to show on the surface, showing people the side that's not so together. And if they stick around, then that proves they are the coolest.

Having new places and new people to think about is a good way to snap yourself back into the zone you should be... you know the one... the place where you are amazing and no one else can tell you different (If they don't like it they can get lost, why would you have someone in your life that treats you like dirt anyway?). So if something comes up that scares you, seems like a hell of an uncomfortable journey, go for it... all you are leaving behind are those who want to be left.

Lx

The Secret of the Butterfly...

This is a story i felt i had to share. One of life's little reminders...

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day he saw a small opening in the cocoon. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and could go no further… so, the man decided to help the butterfly.

He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily. But, it had a swollen body, and small shriveled wings. He continued to watch the butterfly, because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to support the body, which would contract in time. Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It was never able to fly.

What he had done in his well intentioned kindness and haste and what he did not understand, was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required to get through the tiny opening were God’s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

Sometimes, struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If nature allowed us to go through our life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as we could have been, and we could never fly.

Good times ahead everyone. Just remember theres a reason for everything... and its always a good one!

Lx

Why women who have it all are hard to please... otherwise called 'denial'

I realised this morning, after waking abruptly from a disturbing dream, that i have quite a large chunk of denial still hanging over me. The dream, or rather nightmare, dragged up all those old feelings of dissatisfaction in my life, especially love. In my dream my ex wanted me back. Dream Lisa much to my dismay took him back, falling straight into old patterns of stepford wife versus ungrateful bastard. Still dream Lisa was happy because she got what she wanted... or did she?

You see theres never been a guy good enough for me. I know now that at one point, possibly very early on in the relationship but still, the 'long-term ex' was essentially a good guy. It was my being so very difficult to please that pushed him into behaving the way i expected making matters worse and confirming my worst fears. In fact, looking back throughout all of my relationships i'm never happy. I mean he can give me the moon and i still pick away at his faults.

This is my denial.

You know, 'denial' the story we tell ourselves (and others) to avoid the pain of the truth about our own shortcomings - like feeling jealous when others succeed, acting critical when we should offer love, selfish when we should be giving - these little faults we are so ashamed of that we even lie to ourselves that the exist? After all its so easy to build up reasons in our minds why we act harshly towards others, like they deserve it, or to teach them a lesson.... sound familiar?

The hardest thing to accept is the darker side of ourselves, the side that isn't so pretty. I should know, pretty is very important to me. But sub-consciously we all have this side, even saints. The key is to remember that when the ugly truth is brought to light - say a loved one pushes the right buttons, winds you up, makes you angry/upset or react in a negative way... they are just bringing to the surface a part of yourself you could never confront on your own. And this feeling was there way before this person even came into your life and triggered it.

Its up to you to recognise that this person should not be blamed for parts that need work (in fact you should thank them for making you aware), and take responsibility instead. Yes, own it., before it owns you. Until we start to own these bad feelings and accept that they are ours, they will simply continue to control our lives, the dramas will repeat themselves over and over, people will keep coming into our lives who are better and better at triggering and we will still remain the victim. Never happy.

In my case, i'd blame the guy i was with because he wasn't doing enough of the things i thought he should to make me feel loved, secure, smug, satisfied, complete... etc Each time he fell short of my expectations i would experience a whole array of disappointment, frustration, and loneliness, that i was misunderstood and ultimately unloved. I blamed the men in my life for feeling this way and in the end all that did was push them away.

Other times, when guys i've dated have had the integrity to shower me with affection, and done too much, ive gone the other way. My insecurities at not being enough and essentially failing him, or my fear of being manipulated combined with lack of trust that surfaced when pushed to 'give up', as i felt my 'supposed' personal freedom.... made me aloof, distant and overly critical. Like before, i would sabotage the relationship before it could develop deeper and lose out on sharing my life with someone who really did care.

In both i was replaying pattern i'd picked up from my parents and old flames, when at times their restrictions and expectations either brought about a need in me for unwavering love and support or a desire in me to exist beyond their manipulations and control.

Funny today of all days i can clearly understand the lesson in the powerful demonstration of just "pointing a finger" at someone. I mean if you look carefully three times as many fingers are pointing back at yourself right?

When passion fades... "constantly hit refresh"

You may have noticed that my articles have more or less ground to a halt.

No i'm not losing interest.... i promise that is not the case. Work is taking over my life to the extent that i've no soul left when i finally manage to pry my tired self away from my desk and go home. Yes go home... thats all i've been doing (if you can ignore my birthday weekend just gone that is) most of the time my life is spent staring blankly at my dinner while i cook and eat it. I don't even have inspiration to watch a movie. I feel empty and constantly tired. I have even started to hate my laptop and everything digital. I think i need a holiday....

And so what little energy i have tonight i'm going to focus on how you can turn around your life if you feel like i do right now.... dead inside.

Now this is not depression, although i think a few more months of this and i will be thinking of jumping off some very high buildings just for the rush.

I'm normally a positive person and i don't entertain stress or anxious emotions, but when you are drained of life like me right now... its hard to snap out of it. A never ending spiral of "numbness" emerges. The spark inside has gone and its not because i'm down or unhappy or upset. Its because i'm over-worked. There is a lot riding on my ability to pull this off. And i will of course. Nothing can stop me achieving my goals....

But, i need a break. And this is true for anything in life, like work, your living situation, your relationship, your social life, your art.... right?

As a result of needing a break from work, i've subsequently taken a break from everything else in life BUT work. I have no desire to shop, eat, play, date, write, plan.... I just want to sit and do nothing that requires too much effort or thought.

This got me thinking. Why when one aspect of our life takes over and tips the balance do we let it? and why do we sacrifice the things we love that give us energy and passion, for the one thing that takes it all away? I'm reminded of a story from my favourite author paulo coelho about a guy that only feels his life is worth something if he is important & busy. We all do it. We complain we have too much to do yet we pile on the work and demands with a certain pride. We like to be active. Feel needed. Yet how much of this is ego wanting to feel that the world has a place for us?

Usually i create & savour lots of 'me' time...

I have time to sort out my music to listen to on the way to work, to walk slowly enjoying the moment, to have time to look and absorb things i usually filter out.... then i truly wake up and have enough energy to ask ppl around me how they are. The simple act of being interested causes a brief connection and that makes both of us happy to be working together. We then have less to stress about and more to laugh about. Later i stop and take time for lunch and enjoy it with someone i love spending time with. And in the afternoon i allow 5 minutes each hour to email and ask someone how they are, arrange nights out and events, giving myself something to look forward to. And a 5.30pm i'm out the door rushing to meet friends, dance, have fun, flirt and actually live my life.

So on reflection? Do we always need a long holiday to break up life? or can this be achieved by enjoying quality 'me' time throughout the day?

I've never actually felt i needed to get away until now, but i think thats because my 'me' time has dried up and gone. And if i did go away on a long tropical holiday.... everything would be waiting when i got back and thats when the 'holiday blues' kicks in. Trips abroad should be the result of a fantastic lifestyle, not the remedy to a crappy boring one. By making 'life' more like a 'never-ending holiday' you engage in a lifestyle which never loses its value. It feels good and looks good and you tell ppl how good it is. This is attractive. Not just for the things you want, but for bringing into your world people who have the same attitude. Like attracts like and energy builds (physics) .... the city you live in becomes amazing (tourists do visit you know) ..... you meet an amazing bunch of people... get to do the coolest things.... and then write or tell vivid stories about it ;) and all in all the best thing? your life is what you made it. No one else...

And the dating/relationship advice in this post? (well there has to be some)

Well if you need a break i would say you and/or your partner are too focused on one, usually negative, aspect of your love life. Taking a break can be good, as usually the 'missing each other' period can build up attraction again. Going on holiday together can bring a breath of fresh air. But at the end of the day. The problems don't go away. Habits are hard to break and if you are in a rut, most possibly... you will be in a rut again. So what to do? Well change habits slowly but surely. A friend quoted Einstein to me the other day that "Insanity was doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results". So try not to be insane ;) Maybe look for small ways to appreciate each other. Take quality 'dating' time and plan things to look forward to. Communicate small meaningless messages over the course of the day. Do new things together that you;ve never done before. Meet/make new friends. Entertain others at your place. Be spontaneous. Inspire creativity. Put in the effort to make your relationship one long, long honey-moon period.

And realise, sometimes.... there is just no room left for 'what should be', 'what they didn't do', and 'what you need'. All you have is now.

Tomorrow will take care of itself...

Here is a story i read recently by my favorite author 'Paulo Coelho':

I am invited to go to Guncan-Gima, the site of a Zen Buddhist temple. When I get there, I am surprised to see that the extraordinarily beautiful building, which is situated in the middle of a vast forest, is right next to a huge piece of waste ground.

I ask what the waste ground is for and the man in charge explains:

‘That is where we will build the next temple. Every twenty years, we destroy the temple you see before you now and rebuild it again on the site next to it. This means that the monks who have trained as carpenters, stonemasons and architects are always using their practical skills and passing them on to their apprentices. It also shows them that nothing in this life is eternal and that even temples are in need of constant improvement.’

I love that in just a few words he can explain something undeniably profound. Nothing lasts forever and accepting this is the only way to live your life in ultimate freedom. I'm talking of taking risks - starting that new job, travelling to a new country, asking that hot guy out etc... if you are afraid then the only prison holding you back is of your own making. 

And the key to freedom? Accepting that nothing in life is eternal. All we can do is enjoy today. Tomorrow will take care of itself.

Life's litte reminder #4...

There is 'pace-setting', 'slow'... and then there's me. I could not keep up with the boys when running today :( In my defense, i haven't run for a while and with pole-dancing class last night, i was dead on my feet.

It got to a point where i had to turn back. My breath was short, i had a stitch, and my muscles were protesting every step. Feeling defeated i jogged the return strip even though i wanted to walk. I closed my eyes and ignored the sharp pain digging under my ribs and kept going. I was hot and bothered. I wanted out. My body wanted my bed. My spirit felt low. 

In that moment when i could focus on nothing but my own physical misery... everything looked crap. Even the trees which are full of blossom & potential right now looked like shit. I'm not sure where this low mood came from but it followed me all the way to the bridge. To my credit though i persevered.

A burst of sun paused my negative spiral of thoughts. I couldn't ignore the nagging feeling of self-pity any longer. If fact it was making me sick to my stomach. The voice of my mentor was telling me to 'man the fuck up'. And i know i'm not a man but you get the drift. M would just laugh and tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself. I was being a typical girl. 

Determined to at least change my mood I sifted through the last few months of my life in mind, comparing it to before. And you know... I realised I've never felt or been happier. I love my life now. I love the freedom. I fear less. I'm more decisive. I'm more... me. As in i know who i am. And the best bit? everything to look forward to is still to come. 

As these thoughts spilled into my awareness, the baggage i'd been dealing with these last few weeks fell away from my shoulders. Suddenly I could breathe again. There was no more pain. My muscles adapted and felt warmer. I was moving faster, almost bouncing along. I even wanted to photograph the sun through trees because of their beauty ;)

Life's little reminder?

'A breakdown is expected before a breakthrough... so don't give up just yet'

Life's little reminder #3... 'say yes more'

Looking for some cool graffiti for a project i found this...

I say yes to the 'opening of an envelope'. It’s a running joke some of my friends make about me. Truth is, i like saying 'yes' and seeing where it could lead. 

There was a time I used to say 'no'. But that was in the past… back in the days of  the long-term-ex, the semi-detached sub-urban picket fence house, the long commute to work by car, the Sunday lunch with his mother, the evening bbq with the couple next door, the housework, the arguments, the early nights, the video rentals, the monthly supermarket shop, …. And just more of the same.

In the winter of 2006. We broke up the first time. He left me. I found 'yes'. The possibilities became endless. I did it for the thrill of change, because I could, to erase the past, to forget myself, to move on, to become someone else, to find hope… 

Yes is easy for me now. It's a part of who I am. It's more than just a word. It’s a state of being…. Of being open to anything, ready for anything, accepting of anything… all I know is I say 'yes' more than 'no' and I consider the 'possibility' rather that worry about the 'logistics'. It makes life interesting.

Despite this… reading 'yesman' by Danny Wallace last month reminded me of the importance of being a 'yesgirl'. I do recommend the book. I laughed so much out loud it would have embarrassed the 'old me'. It outlined many truths but the main one for me was:

'No' can lead to 'nowhere'… but 'yes' can lead to 'anywhere' and this is when the story of your life becomes worth reading.

And now I'll leave you with a list of things I recently said yes to: new job assignments, running@lunchtimes, schoolnight parties, meeting new people, more burlesque, pole-dancing, feather duvets, writing a blog, making money, trips abroad, cooking more, studying more, nlp & life coaching courses, painting, poetry, weekends in the country, playing polo, giving advice, learning, letting go, opening up… oh and moving to another country.

The last one? Oh I would tell you where, what context and if it was actually going to happen… but that’s another story ;)

Life's little reminder?

Say 'yes' more...

Life's little reminders #2...

 

Every month i travel up north for lectures. Last weekend, if i was honest, did not feel like a weekend for study. I did not want to go, even though i had pre-booked my train tickets, made arrangements with my family, and blocked the weekend out in my diary.

 

As it turns out. I lost my tickets.

 

I must have absently threw them out with the rubbish. And Virgin Trains, despite my pleadings with the sexy-accented Scottish guy on the phone (and how Virgin knew i had a weakness for a soft-lilted Edinburgh twang I'll never know), would not re-issue. New tickets £80 or please hang up.

 

Ok then. I would stay in London. That said, my weekend turned out to be pretty amazing.

 

The highlights...

 

Fri - chance meetings with friends x2... a masked Italian party... dancing til all hours of the morning

Sat - zipping through traffic to Richmond park to catch the sunset.... watching it in full glory while deeply immersed in conversation on spirituality philosophy & psychology with Guru M

Sun - running by the river while making a new friend... my new wii... one gorgeous guy in tight-wet jeans performing aerial ballet in a bathtub ;)

 

Life's little reminder...

 

You always get what you ask for.

 

or

 

Everything happens for a reason.

 

Life's little reminders #1...

While walking to work today i noticed my unobstructed view of the most ugly building in the world is now no more. There is now a billboard being erected just in front of it.

Even more ugly and now i can't take that photo i've been planning of the arc2 with sunrise hitting its 80's inspired tinted windows.

Life's little reminder...

Change is inevitable: don't take things for granted and expect them to always be so.

or

Seize the moment when it takes you... don't hesitate or lose it forever.