I realised this morning, after waking abruptly from a disturbing dream, that i have quite a large chunk of denial still hanging over me. The dream, or rather nightmare, dragged up all those old feelings of dissatisfaction in my life, especially love. In my dream my ex wanted me back. Dream Lisa much to my dismay took him back, falling straight into old patterns of stepford wife versus ungrateful bastard. Still dream Lisa was happy because she got what she wanted... or did she?
You see theres never been a guy good enough for me. I know now that at one point, possibly very early on in the relationship but still, the 'long-term ex' was essentially a good guy. It was my being so very difficult to please that pushed him into behaving the way i expected making matters worse and confirming my worst fears. In fact, looking back throughout all of my relationships i'm never happy. I mean he can give me the moon and i still pick away at his faults.
This is my denial.
You know, 'denial' the story we tell ourselves (and others) to avoid the pain of the truth about our own shortcomings - like feeling jealous when others succeed, acting critical when we should offer love, selfish when we should be giving - these little faults we are so ashamed of that we even lie to ourselves that the exist? After all its so easy to build up reasons in our minds why we act harshly towards others, like they deserve it, or to teach them a lesson.... sound familiar?
The hardest thing to accept is the darker side of ourselves, the side that isn't so pretty. I should know, pretty is very important to me. But sub-consciously we all have this side, even saints. The key is to remember that when the ugly truth is brought to light - say a loved one pushes the right buttons, winds you up, makes you angry/upset or react in a negative way... they are just bringing to the surface a part of yourself you could never confront on your own. And this feeling was there way before this person even came into your life and triggered it.
Its up to you to recognise that this person should not be blamed for parts that need work (in fact you should thank them for making you aware), and take responsibility instead. Yes, own it., before it owns you. Until we start to own these bad feelings and accept that they are ours, they will simply continue to control our lives, the dramas will repeat themselves over and over, people will keep coming into our lives who are better and better at triggering and we will still remain the victim. Never happy.
In my case, i'd blame the guy i was with because he wasn't doing enough of the things i thought he should to make me feel loved, secure, smug, satisfied, complete... etc Each time he fell short of my expectations i would experience a whole array of disappointment, frustration, and loneliness, that i was misunderstood and ultimately unloved. I blamed the men in my life for feeling this way and in the end all that did was push them away.
Other times, when guys i've dated have had the integrity to shower me with affection, and done too much, ive gone the other way. My insecurities at not being enough and essentially failing him, or my fear of being manipulated combined with lack of trust that surfaced when pushed to 'give up', as i felt my 'supposed' personal freedom.... made me aloof, distant and overly critical. Like before, i would sabotage the relationship before it could develop deeper and lose out on sharing my life with someone who really did care.
In both i was replaying pattern i'd picked up from my parents and old flames, when at times their restrictions and expectations either brought about a need in me for unwavering love and support or a desire in me to exist beyond their manipulations and control.
Funny today of all days i can clearly understand the lesson in the powerful demonstration of just "pointing a finger" at someone. I mean if you look carefully three times as many fingers are pointing back at yourself right?