How dominant should a guy be in a relationship... or every girl wants a white knight

Take 'blue-eyed guy'... im going to call him that because his other nickname is just too mean. I met him at bar through mutual friends. He seemed nice, a little young for me but only by a year or so. It was his eyes that did it. I'm a sucker for a pair of baby blues and his are dark blue and twinkle like big stars when he grins. I let him take my number mid-conversation flow.... first big mistake!, I should have waited until we at least stood up first. We went to leave and i found that he was at least 2 inches shorter than me. Yes, yes i know height isnt everything and i was wearing mega call-girl heels that night, but 2inches!!

To alleviate the pain of this and to give him a sporting chance... i searched everywhere in the shops for a pair or sexy flats to wear for our 'first date'. Conclusion - there are no such things as 'sexy flats'. Ok then, heels it is. In honour of that decision i decided to go all out and wear my new, deliciously sexy, over the knee boots, teamed a cute nautical date dress (that could be considered a shirt by some but sod it who cares), some dangly earring and a few well placed curles to volumize my hair.... one last look in the mirror confirmed i should have been wearing a warning sign saying 'too hot to handle'. Maybe it was overkill for a first date with a guy that probably wont see ever again, but girl has to look good right? And you never know who you might meet. Rule no.1, always be prepared.

But i should have known better. From the get go it was a non-starter. I just couldn't get past the height issue. I love that feeling of being safe with my guy, and if i can see over the top of his head how can he protect me from anything? I kept wanting to pat his head like his big sister.

You see the man in the relationship has to have the illusion of courage and power, or at least some sort of dominance. Otherwise the relationship runs the risk role reversal, where she ends up wearing the trousers after losing respect and confidence in him as a man. Some women don't mind short men as this doesn't trigger an automatic loss of respect, but for me it doesn't sit well with my notion of a guy that can take care of me. Its what i'm not attracted to and i can't change that despite all those really cool guys out there that just don't make it to the 6ft mark.

Still i tried but the crunch came when he came to kiss me and i had to lean down to meet his lips. Ewww factor big time. Hastily made my excuses and ran for it.

But its not just height... there are other factors too. I've dated a guy who had issues with drugs and drinking. Watching him break someone's arm because the guy look at you or sitting in some strangers house while he deals coke made me feel vulnerable and scared. Even though he was taller than me, and stronger in every way... his lack of self control or willpower made me feel unsafe.

At the end of the day the guy you choose has to be able to gain your trust and induce the right attractors to make you feel comfortable around him. Its a fine line really and i have asked myself...

where does "dominance start to be become a weakness?"

In this age of equality, women want to be treated the same as men. but theres a catch. We also want to be respected as women. Its confusing for a guy right? how dominant should i get with her. If i relent will she see that as a sign of weakness or will she think i'm a cold, callus bastard?

No man wants to see contempt or even worse disappointment in the eyes of a girl he's trying to love. Its like a hand of death. He wants to be your white knight, and if a girl admires him he will do anything to keep that admiration.

Being a girl i can vouch and say that boys most of the time you'll get it wrong because you think theres a magic formula to get her to adore you. There isn't.... Its a case of understanding her fears and not taking her questions or insecurity as a personal sleight on you but not letting her walk all over you either. Thats when she will realise you are her rock and the adoration will come naturally, when she can depend on you to always be the same strong foundation, whatever the weather.

So the questions remains, what is the right amount of dominance in relationships? Well in my opinion a guy can push beyond what he thinks of as being too dominant, as long as it doesn't infringe on her rights...

1. Not being afraid to physically show you are present - theres a difference between man-handling her and being firm. Holding her waist, touching briefly upper arm, leading her to your destination by the hand, gently pulling her hair back while you kiss... these gestures tell her you are in the room and are confident enough to close that gap in personal space without being asked.

2. Asserting your opinion and sticking to it - If its important to you don't relent, but don't be a bully and give her the silent treatment afterward. You've made your point, now drop it. Otherwise its like the male version of nagging. Reward her for listening to you or she'll just start to avoid causing any clash in the future for fear of you retreating into your shell.

3. Being a leader and making choices for both of you - the small choices though, not the big ones. Its nice when you decide on the restaurant or what colour dress she looks better in, but not deciding on who her friends should be or where you should live.

4. Looking out for her and taking her side - loyalty is important for making a girl feel safe. She has to know you've got her back whatever happens, against friends, against family etc. At least be neutral. Your her champion remember...

5. Being confident enough to hold your own in her environment- don't get cocky and showoff or be rude to her friends as a way to hide your 'out of your depth feeling' and don't stick by her side all night either. Find a couple of people you know to chat with and just don't get too drunk so that she can have the freedom to relax and let loose.

6. And lastly don't hesitate - just do it, say it and be it already. very very attractive quality.

Lx

The key to happiness...

... is right where you are standing.

I was told that once by a close friend of mine when i called him to have my daily rant about all the wrongs in my life and how if i just moved to another country it would all be so much better!

And as always he was right. We all go through dark periods, or times when we feel hurt, or others disappoint us so much we react badly. And its perfectly natural to blame someone else or even to blame yourself. But the key to really moving on from every set back, being happy, confident and successful, is to forgive, understand and accept... in that order.

And anyone can do this any time, anywhere, whatever the situation. And here are some exercises that can help:

1) The art of appreciation: I love writing lists. Many people think its a complete waste of time writing things down because you can keep the list in your head... wrong. The action of writing words actually sets off a chain of recognition in your brain, almost at sub-conscious level, to bring your attention the points on your list more often than not. In other words, you write it - you notice it. So with that in mind (no pun intended!) the best way to appreciate what you already have is to write a huge, detailed list once a week of everything you have to be thankful for. Break down each category (career, love, family, social etc) into a multitude of great things you have right now to enjoy, and then further flesh these out to say why you enjoy them.

2) Pivoting your pov: anything and everything that happens in your life, whether you caused it or someone else did to you can be pivoted. Its a great technique for seeing the silver lining in everything or realising that 'everything is a good thing'. Imagine that how you feel about a situation is like a coin. There are two sides- one bad and one good. Its easy and logical that the bad side makes you feel... well crap and the the good side makes you feel wonderful, so if you know that to be a fact, and you can control which side of the coin you experience just by flipping it. Choose to believe or focus on only the positive thoughts or outcomes of the situation. Tell yourself why its the best thing since sliced bread. How does it benefit you? Realise its never going to be worse that this, and truly you've lost only what you allow. Each situation teaches you something... at least you won't have to learn it again next time round. If nothing be happy for your clarity.

3) Be good company: I can't stand to be around myself when im moping. I'm actually quite boring and tiring to even myself, let alone other people. Knowing what you're worth is a perfect place to start so write a page on your good qualities and why you're an amazing person, or soon to be... then dump the saddo you've become in favour of the new you. Refuse to grieve/mope/moan any longer as you deserve some better company than that! and whatever brings you down will never be enough to waste your life over. Focus on knowledge that when you're positive, confident, appreciative, like who you are and can forgive the actions you've taken to get to this point, others will also like you and forgive you too. Anything that is dynamic and moving and inspiring is attractive, and 'like attracts like'... so if you want inspiring, happy, great friends/people around, the change starts with you.

4) Set personal goals: Having something to aim for is fundamental to your mental health. You can set daily, weekly, yearly or even lifetime goals to inspire you to act. They can range from stupid things like '7 dates in 7 days' to real skills like 'learn spanish' (the former i've actually been committed to do next month!). Better to get a group of friends and set goals together that each achieve something for one person. So say your friend is wanting to lose weight... together you can set a goal to join the local pole dancing class and aim to be able to hold your own weight off the ground by christmas. You'll have fun thinking up strange and wonderful goals and seeing them pan out over time (and if you're interested i have an online group starting next month so email me if you want to join!).

5) See the bigger picture: my housemate has converted me to being able to watch horror. Now if you know me you would understand Lisa does not watch/enjoy/like anything scary in the movie world. However i am now able to watch 'Supernatural' without hiding behind a pillow or screaming and having nightmares every night. How? Well its only because i KNOW the two heroes in the series (who are very hot i might add) are still alive in series 3/4 and we are only watching series 1. So the bigger picture tells me all will be ok, well and most importantly the main characters don't die (especially Dean, with the long-lashed, blue eyes and 2 day old stubble smile i can't get enough of). How does this apply to life? Well if each setback or shit-hits-the-fan drama in your life is the creepy ghost per episode, it only stands to reason that as the main character you will survive and live for another series. Losing your job, lover or loved one is not the end of the world like it may seem at the peak of emotion. As always this too shall pass....

Right time to sign off get back to my own show.

But heres a little Jensen Ackles (aka Dean from Supernatural) to keep you toasty until next time....





Luv ya

Lx

The real reason why women flake...

So one minute everything is going well and you manage to hook a first/second date with that girl you really like. You're texting, flirting, looking forward to seeing how far she'll let you go when u finally meet... and then like a lightbulb (or an oven) she no longer seems turned-on and interested, and even worse she cancels or flakes out on your date.

So what went wrong?

Boys, quite simply.... she has no emotional investment in you - the only reason a girl would continue to spend time on any guy, despite how much attraction you're pulling.

Let me explain... us girls, we love to talk and 'connect'. Something almost akin to a myth among men that they often mistake having a connection with doing either of the following:

'relentless grilling in the quest to know everything about her' (boring)

'uninvited sexual flirting that makes her skin crawl' (slimey/gross)

or

ditch the 'connection' side of things and hope that by not texting/flirting before the date she'll still want to meet.

In all cases forget it. I'll give you some examples:

The 'i cant be bothered to create a connection' technique

A guy i met once contacted me after he got back from travelling. We were in contact when he was away but to be honest his emails were so 'today we went skiing and saw the indigenous monkeys that lived in the undergrowth of blah, blah..' that shamefully i used to delete them before i read them just to have free space in my inbox again.

Anyway he got back and text me to straight away to meet up. I remembered he was cute and said 'cool' as at the time i was willing give him a chance and to re-acquaint myself with his personality. Me, i like to 'look forward' to meeting a guy and that means i want to have a smile on my face when his name pops up in my messages. Only i never got to a 'smile' with him... more of a half cheek twitch that is kinda like a silent 'meh' only with less effort.

His mistake was no matter how much i tried to keep flirty banter going on msn or email, he cut it short everytime. In the end even i did not know why i had agreed to meet up when the time came and was unwilling to waste an evening with someone who didn't seem to want to indulge in some lighthearted flirting with me in any shape or form. It was like a blind date only worse cos i was worried that i hadn't forgotten his personality... maybe he just didn't have one?

The 'do you know what i want to do to you' technique:

Another example is a close friend of mine met a guy who seemed really nice. She was initially attracted to him and actually was looking forward to setting another date, when a few days later he asked her if she wanted to know what he was thinking about. The conversation had been about weekend so she wasn't prepared for him to get sexual without her initiating that sort of chat first. She said 'sure' and regretted it almost immediately when he proceeded to tell her in glorious detail what he wanted to do to her right now. She was at work and it was 10am and she hadn't even kissed this guy yet. It was an immediate turn off.

The 'question tennis or i'm practicing to be a hairdresser' technique

Guys who want to date me have this really bad habit of adding me on msn and then grilling me non-stop about my life. I get so bored i tend to switch off and revert to one word answers. If i want to talk about myself i would ping a friend or write in my blog. It usually starts with 'how are you' and the they move on to ask about work, your house, your brother and sister, your pet hamster, your msn status, your weekend, your holiday... and politely you end up saying 'lol' or 'u?' so the poor guy isn't just talking to himself.

One guy actually persisted every day for over a year until he finally asked for my phone number. Sometimes i feel bad that i'm not giving these nice guys a chance so in this instance i actually did. Weeks later he was still texting the same style of text over and over - the kind that i find i stop reading they are so boring and never have time to answer.

"how are you. did you have a good weekend/holiday/new year. fancy meeting up?"

To his credit he was persistant... but nothing he said made me laugh or made me feel good. He was asking a question only friends and family could ask and get away with it. Put it this way.... im only going to spend the required minutes telling a 'real' friend how i was and if i had a good holiday or whatever because they've invested time and effort and we've shared many nice memories together. If a guy i've met once or twice and emailed a few times gets my number he is not a friend, he is a potential 'date' and so does not get that sort of treatment straight away. He has to earn my interest enough to give a decent and honest reply otherwise its similar situation to when you're stuck in the lift with a colleague at work - you start a conversation about the weather to be polite... but really you don't care to know the answer and just want to listen to your ipod.

So how can you create an 'emotional investment' so she will be looking forward to the date?

1) Keep it kid-level and light-hearted. Don't ask her any 'meaning of life' questions that require a serious answer too soon, not unless u want to develop a friendship. She has plenty of 'real' friends to talk to about that stuff and later you can inch into that as a padding out of the relationship. For now, in the initial stages, you're there to provide a fun, flirty distraction from the mundane everyday so she'll associate you with good times. You don't have to be a comedian and make jokes, but try chatting about topics that are 'abstract' and 'interesting', like fun facts, stupid/weird things you see, random links, making choices, picture messages, challenges etc

2) Don't initiate anything 'naughty' in your chat unless you've already slept together, or at least kissed. Especially if she hasn't taken the conversation there herself, try not to make suggestions like 'dress code: as little as possible' or 'cocktails: screaming orgasms'. Not that these are instant turn-offs but it makes a girl think 'ok now im not so sure about you'. This is because if you're not careful words to that effect can alert a girl on her 'guy who is only after one thing' radar and she'll wonder if you think shes so easy that you have the balls to say that to her and expect a reply. Even worse is when a guy goes all out and starts telling her his fantasies.... like what were you thinking? Text of course makes it less awkward to say stuff but if you couldn't say it to her face then don't say it at all.

Of course to keep from ending up in the friends zone she has to know you find her attractive and want to sleep with her still. There are ways to make your admiration known, like calling her 'sexy' or 'gorgeous' or mentioning how hot she looks in her dress/picture... the key is to compliment at the same time. No girl can resist that ;)

3) Stay in light contact. If you want to be in the forefront of her mind and get her thinking of when she'll see you next, don't disappear for 3 weeks without a word. You need to keep the fire burning, or at least the ashes warm. Of course its good to keep it sporadic, but anything more than about 3-5 days of not hearing from you will make her anxious, and over a week is asking for trouble. Now i know everyone is busy and im not saying you need to initiate a full blown flirting phone call every 3 days.... a random text/email or pic msg is cute and fun enough to keep her chomping at the bit for more. Don't over do it either. Contact her for a few days in a row then disappear for the weekend. One night chat for a few hours on the phone, another day send her a video clip link in an email. You shouldn't spoil the mystery of who you are in the first week of meeting by being predictable or by telling her everything there is to know about you. Drip in the actual facts about yourself over time, interspersed between random flirty chats about nothing in particular. It keeps the dating fresh and interesting and she'll never know what to expect.

And finally never forget the things she tells you, try not to cancel twice in a row... and kiss her as soon as possible or risk ending up in the friends zone if you don't.

Lx

A girl's perspective on... "Breakthrough Comfort"

In the male dominated community based on female psychology for dating and relationships, Breakthrough Comfort is the term to describe the fundamentals behind creating a deep and lasting emotional connection with a girl.... in other words 'how to make her fall in love with you'.

In my view successful dating requires a mix of two - attraction (desire for control) and comfort (intense feel-good emotions). Combined you should have in most cases an interesting cocktail for flirty fun with almost anyone you choose. This being that you know what you are doing...

In my experience 'attraction' is the easier of the two to create, And also get over. I've never cried at night over a losing the attention of a rich guy or a man who had all the girls. But comfort is a nasty bitch waiting to happen. On its own its creepy and clingy and all the 'too-nice-guys' have it in spades... but combine it with a healthy dose of 'attraction', and the push-pull effect comes into play on a larger scale than just plain-jane 'hot & cold'.

Why? Well lets look at what a girl really wants. Simply to quote Julia Roberts 'We want the fairytale'... a strong white knight (attraction: power & status) coming to rescue us (comfort: big strong guy saves the fragile princess) on a white horse (comfort: awww, he likes animals too *simper*) from a very tall tower (attraction: dangerous & risky, he must be brave) who will whisk us away into the sunset to live happily ever after (comfort: he sees that we're special, no one else). In other words.... we want the cool guy to fall in love with us.

Breakthrough Comfort suggests techniques that convince a girl the guy in question is 'falling' for her. Women spend a lot of time dissecting a guy's behaviour. We have 'sweet' actions (this proves he loves me) and 'indifferent' actions (he doesn't care about me). Now for comfort to work there has to be both types of actions, because 'sweet' actions mean more at the end of the day if they are few and far between... but there has to be just enough to keep the girl from thinking the guy is callus bastard.

Ok so guys i bet you're thinking 'wow this sounds great'... but seriously i can vouch for the pain caused if they are not meant for something long-lasting and real:

While i adore the effect and feeling of 'deep-comfort' when its directed toward me (what girl wouldn't want a guy she is attracted to kiss her forehead affectionately, or stare into her eyes like he's lost in them)... they don't belong in a fling or other casual dalliances. Us girls convince ourselves that when a guy acts this way there can be no other reason other than he 'feels' a deep connection (translation: he is in love) and we see these few and far between actions as proof he is just in denial or afraid (translation: he needs reassurance before he can commit). We then relax and open our hearts and start to 'trust', because after the big-bad world has abused us its nice to know there is one big strong guy out there who will make it better. The only drawback is women don't close off their emotions very easily once the floodgates have opened, like men do. We take a long time warming up, but the cool-off can be forest fire. (a word of warning: some women are not emotional stable to handle rejection after this = bunny boiler time)

Breakthrough Comfort may be the the 'key' to getting her to fall in love with you, but i know honesty, attraction and light-hearted flirting work better at maintaining long term flings. Women these days are able to enjoy casual sex if we know the score all the way through the game. We like being able to detach and have fun without engaging our emotions too. Guys, please don't pull the wool over our eyes and let your deep-down insecurities (wanting everyone to like you/love you and needing emotional approval) create a situation you can't handle further down the line.

But if you want to break hearts then go for it, but i believe karma is a bitch who doesn't forget being scorned.

Sometimes i forget to focus on "what i really want"...

Know what you want, focus on it, and gradually make it happen...

I know it works because i've studied it and lived it for the last two years....

Only i've been quite negative recently, focusing heavily on what i 'don't' want and this is perpetuating a current 'shit-storm' that keeps raining heavily on my life.

I'm not sure how this happened, but the immediate effects are apparent. I've started to worry and get 'down' a lot about my situation. You see i'm homeless, or will be very soon. Come the end of the month i have no where to go! I've also had to deal with some heartache, and even though i know how to mend it, i still have to go through the motions of working through it. Bad emotions are a bitch... really, but they all come from the after-glow of self-pitying, whinny, negative thought patterns.

So i'm going to give my ego a kick and a re-start this weekend. I'm going to ban those little stray instances of 'poor me' and not just get on with it... i don't want to be a martyr. In fact i have more than a lot to be grateful for. I just need to get off my sorry ass and enjoy it!

So hence the 'Bad-Thought-Diet':

At least once a day i'm going to tweet about something amazing that happened to me or something cool about myself, anything as long as it positive.

I'm going to start reading material that opens up my awareness again, and allow the teachings of other people to influence my day and my perception of it

I'm also going to re-start my creative journal. I stopped writing in it because i didn't need it anymore. The good-feeling intentions generated in my mind were enough to sustain me. But slowly i've let things slide... i couldn't even motivate a cheerleader at a pep rally at this rate. So i'm going write in my journal everything i 'do' want in my life and focus on that.

Its time for a change... but like everything, the change needs to happen within first, and to be honest i'm tired of listening to myself moaning!

Be Strong and they become weak - or getting over One-itis

In every girl there is a weakness and I'm sure in every guy there is one too...

... i'm talking about that 'one' person who at this moment holds the key to your leash. They are your achilles heel.

Symptoms? Well you think about them often, and things jump out and remind you of them. You find little ways (excuses) to communicate with them, see them, talk to them, get involved in their life. You stalk them on facebook & have an rss to their twitter feed. You notice every detail about what they like and don't like. You check your phone constantly and if that message isn't from them you get annoyed. In fact it feels like you carry rejection everywhere you go...

Sound familiar? In some circles they call this 'one-itis'. Its an addiction to how this 'one' person makes you feel... nothing more. When around you feel happy, confident, comfortable, attractive, secure, etc. A dangerous state to associate with a particular person, because when they leave or are not around, guess who feels the impact in equal but negative measure? Yes, you do.

So how to combat this almost debilitating situation?

Simply find your strength. When you become the 'stronger' opponent, you are instantly in control. And they are not. This leaves them a choice of either admitting defeat and walking away or accepting the 'weaker' position (in which they can develop a stronger attraction towards you) that you previously occupied. And of course i'll explain how:

Create a little distance
In any addiction you need to wean yourself off the source. The hardest but most rewarding thing to do is create a little space between you. I call it back-leading. Don't see it as retreating, see it as soldier would see a military perfidy tactic - falsify surrender and lose a little interest in the action for a while. I don't mean give the silent treatment or become cold and aloof.... I mean get out of town for a while or find ways to become busy enough you don't have time. You could even change the dynamics of the relationship to less one level of commitment for a brief period than the status quo (e.g. from living together to living apart, from seeing each other every other day to once/twice a week, from drinking as mates every friday to missing a few in a row) This has the effect of giving you some perspective on the matter and allowing them to 'breathe' and hopefully 'miss' you. This works better if on the surface at least, the reason for down-grading is not at all to do with them.

Do the "unexpected"
If you are predictable, you can be controlled. Maybe they know you well enough to know how you will act or maybe they don't... but the fact of the matter is anyone can be predictable if the situation is such. I know if a guy is 'into' me and i text him, he will text back straight away. I know its such a chore to play games, so i'm not saying you have to sit and wait a few hours before you text back as that is predictable too if you 'always' make them wait (which has happened to me and i actually stopped bothering to text because i didn't want to wait for his reply) I'm actually saying get a life where you don't have time to sit glued to your phone. If its in your pocket and you get a text then cool reply straight away. If you're in the supermarket buying drinks for your house party and u have an hour to get ready don't waste time trying to text back, at least wait until you get home and you have a free hand. This way your response is unpredictable because your life is. It could be immediate or it could be delayed... but always you can and will as soon as you are able.

Stick to your guns
Its one thing to decide what your boundaries are but its another to act on them and not make allowances. And you may just do that if this person is on a pedestal. Treat them the same as anyone else and they will respect you all the more. Letting them get away with treating you badly will only make them less attracted to you. They may also feel obliged to see just how far they can push you. Like pets and children, don't let them walk all over you. Be firm and resolute, but nice enough with it that you aren't a spoil sport for any fun and games. Make it part of the game (again like with pets and children) so there is an edge enough that they might just get their way. We all like the taste of possible victory... it makes life more interesting. One way i have to measure my 're-actions' or their behaviour for acceptability is to consider if i would allow a proper friend to do that to me or would i treat a friend that way. If the answer is yes then its usually safe to go with it.

Don't try with willpower alone
In nutrition terms i would never advise a smoker or sugar/caffeine/alcohol abuser to give up their habit with willpower alone. I plan them a course involving tons of supplements and substances that will give the body what it needs naturally, and offer support and help to the addict overcome their cravings. Willpower alone never works. And how does this relate to 'one-itis'? Well lets take for example drunk texting/calling. Its a bad, bad habit. And worse when its directed at the one you really, really like. One or twice in a month is flattering, but all the time and up to 15 times a night is irksome. Another example is facebook stalking. Do you really need to look at their profile again and again just to upset yourself when you see a picture of them with someone who is not you? No you don't. Deal with issues like this in ways that make sense. 1) avoid temptation by turning your phone off or hiding their news feeds. 2) seek help and support from a friend who can remove you phone from your possession. 3) have an alternative you can call or fb stalk like a f*ckbuddy or a best mate. 4) realise if you do slip up that they should be very flattered you even bothered as you don't give that much attention to anyone else ;)

Create abundance
Of course the best medicine for one-itis is to go cold turkey on them and consume other 'less' desirables. In otherwords, widen the net and seek other pleasures.... either by dating others or by filling your life with so many distractions you 'forget' about your addiction. You soon realise there is more to life that this one person and that the same feelings you found in them can be created elsewhere. The more you spread your attention, the less you depend on just one source for satisfying the insecurities of your ego (though i'll always advice that you try subdue the cravings of the ego instead of feed it, but thats quite a task and another article). This will breakdown some or maybe all of the addiction until you're in control again.

Alright, i hope this helps anyone who's even done the crazy things i've done and felt like so foolish over (yes i've called a guy 15 times in one night when i was drunk!). Even if it was a long, long time ago i'll never be able to repair my behaviour with them. First impressions count and also long standing crazy ones.... so keep the crazy between you and your diary/best friend and show them only your good side for at least 80% of the time (statistically the lowest percentage of 'good feelings' time needed to cement a long lasting attraction), and go have fun ;)

"The Way We Were..." and how to get it back (your 5 a day to relationship health)

One thing that strikes me about the relationships people confide in me about is their tendency to fade from that passionate "can't keep our hands off each other" stage to a lesser "yeah its ok i suppose" mundane sort of existence. And what makes me further curious is the fact that there are two groups of thought:

The Realists believe is that is normal. There is no permanent happy ever after. The honeymoon period always ends at some point in the relationship and after that its simply time to work at staying together. They accept their lot in life through 'fear' or 'laziness' and don't try for anything more.

The Idealists believe that this means the relationship is over as 'love' should be easy not hard so this person is obviously not the 'One' for them. They seek perfection.... either in a 'romantic-i must find my soulmate' sense or a 'practical-i can do better' kinda way.

Like i say i'm curious about the people behind these views but i'm not one of them. I'm not sure of the label i would have but if i had to call myself anything i would say i'm a 'Creator'. I won't tolerate the mundane and i won't seek happiness elsewhere. Someone once told me that 'happiness' is already right where you standing. Not in another country, career or person. If you have to go looking, then you will never find it or have it for long.

Anyway digress ;) So what does a 'Creator' do?

Well i believe we focus on maintaining the passion, excitement and all that 'feel-good' emotion. We keep the relationship alive so that neither of us want to leave it. In other words.... maintaining the attraction.

And how is this done? Well attraction is a very complex yet simple concept. I could either write pages and pages in detail on what attracts men to women and what attracts women to men. I could breakdown physical, emotional and mental ways to create and build up attraction, but to be honest it only really boils down to 5 things once you are in a relationship. (Meeting or Dating? Well thats a different story!)

So those 5 things?

The 'Feel-Good' Factor:
It stands to reason that both men and women want to feel good about their lives. And feeling great about love is a big part of that. Many couples start to feel bad about the relationship when one or both is not longer fun to be around. Any negative emotion (anger, sadness, neediness etc) directed towards the relationship can cause these bad vibes and if its more that say 20% of your time spent with each other.... then you're messing with the foundations of your future happiness together. If one of you is constantly freaking out or angry about something the other is doing or saying then they have turned into a person that is not inducing 'happy' emotions in their partner.

If someone doesn't feel good around you (say if you are one causing the bad vibes) then its more difficult for your sweetie to want to invest more time and energy into you and the relationship. The easy road is often the road out of the firing line. And then you're one your own.

In the most basic sense.... whatever emotion you feel, your lover will feel too by way of your actions when you are close to them. Remember feelings are guided by thoughts and you can control what you think. Ditch the negative re-occurring insecure rant and adopt a relationship pep-talk instead. Focus on the good and the rest will follow ;)

Emotional Maturity & Understanding:
The way you act with each other from day one when 'bumps' in the road appear is more important than the actual 'bump' itself. So for example how you act when your partner makes a mistake or does something that upsets you and doesn't realise (triggering your insecurities by jealousy, lateness, distance etc). If your girl/guy genuinely cares they won't be doing anything maliciously to upset you. It will be without realising. Emotional experience should bring about an open and understanding response.... not an over emotional or negative one. The person who has messed up will feel bad enough and putting them in a situation where they can't 'make it right' or 'give reassurance' will only trap them into thinking "I can't make this person happy" and/or "If this is what they are like now, how will things get any better in the future the longer we are together?". After a short period they will feel like they have to walk on eggshells just to keep the peace (and trust me they will do anything to keep it, even leave).

Make changes in your 're-actions' and break negative patterns by putting yourself in their shoes and arguing their point of view in your head for 5 minutes. Don't compare their behaviour with others or your own (men are just as different from other men as men are from women and vice versa). Each person will have personal baggage and reasons for who they are and how they behave. As long as they can understand the depth of your hurt just once it is unlikely they will fail to try to avoid the error in the future, especially if they care. And if you're the reason for all the drama... don't do what doesn't work (defend yourself & your actions repeatedly). Understand why they are upset and make it up to your lover in a way they can forgive.

Connection & Attraction:
One thing couples, especially women, do too much of is talking. Having a serious 'talk' with your babe will not inspire feeling of connection or attraction if it comes to more than 2% of your relationship time together. Keep it short, sweet and direct to the point and follow it up with 'fun' after (never go to bed on an argument, unless bed doesn't include sleeping...).

The rest of the time KISS. And i mean keep it simple ;) I say always try treat your girl/guy like its your first few dates. So flirt, kiss, laugh and tease, touch their arm, hold hands and talk about light-hearted rubbish that means nothing. Keep your expectations of what they can/will do for you at early stages of dating level and you will never be disappointed (i'm not saying they won't do more, but your attitude to what they do for you should be to never expect too much. With pressure off, acts of service towards you will be a pleasure not a pain). The more you act like the first stages/flush of love... the more it will be, and any issue or problems that arise will be easier to tackle and it will be more worthwhile solving them between u both.

Actions speak louder than words. So 'do' stuff together that creates a bond between you and shared memories and experiences. Again this links in with the feel-good factor i mentioned earlier. People who feel good when together are likely to develop strong emotional attractions for each other. Emotional attraction is not dependant on physical, intellectual or social attractions. All of these are powerful when meeting and dating, but the latter three are short-lived in actual relationships and can only be re-kindled/maintained (not usually created otherwise we'd all start fancying our friends!) long-term with a strong emotional attraction.

'Icing' on the cake. Not the 'main' ingredient:
Every couple should be better and happier together. That goes without saying. Cake tastes sweeter with icing than without. However cake by itself is just dandy and satisfying. In fact you can live quite happily without any icing your whole life. You aren't bothered if you don't have it and can quite easily get some if you fancy it. A guy or girl in your life should be exactly like that - an additional (quite exciting/sexy) character to a fantastic, fun-filled adventure story that is your life. People want others around to bring something better, not to fill a void or complete someone else. This neediness shows when the girl/guy is less likely to hang out with friends, develop or maintain interests outside the relationship and is controlled by their partner through fear of losing them. When a girl or guy doesn't have much going on in their life besides the relationship its like an unconscious signal to the their partner that they are 'needed' rather than 'desired'. And that too much focus is on the relationship as their source of happiness. Once again there is a pressure (not pleasure) to perform. And no one wants or can cope with that kind of responsibility.

So make sure your life is complete and you have interests outside your love-life. I know its a well known fact but its because its true. One way of looking at it is "if my lover left me today... what do i have?". If all you have is your job and your family then its time to make some positive additions to your life that removes your dependency your partner for their time and attention. Go make them miss you.

No one needs to be rescued:
Nobody likes to be nagged or asked to change. Your partner should love you for who you are, not try and 'fix' you. And vice versa. People will change when they want to for their own reasons and nothing else. If they do it will be short-lived and without much effort. Also people are selfish and will do things for themselves first and foremost. Nothing motivates change like your own misery or happiness (punishment or reward). It then stands to reason that if a guy or girl has behaviour you don't like its easier to manage if they are benefiting from changing their ways not just to make you happy. Couples stay in relationships because their flaws are handled in a way that is indirect rather than head on.

Take time to praise or indicate in passing or better still reward good behavior. Point out what actions you liked or didn't care for in 'other' relationships. Call out their bad behaviour immediately and why it makes you feel bad. Do it once, allow them to make it up to you, then let it go. The more you go on about something they did (or didn't do) the less it makes an impact. If you can't forgive yet and you still feel angry or upset then take yourself away without being 'cold' or giving the silent treatment. The key is to no longer be actively interested... only passively interested. Your lack of activity in the relationship will make more of an impact than any negative emotion you can throw at them. And they will be less likely to associate you with feeling bad (cos you're not there). And if you're the one being asked to change but your lover is going about it the wrong way, call it out as you would any other bad behaviour. You need to know how far you can push against their boundaries if you are to have any respect for them in the future.

Ok so thats the big 5 a day. Go and indulge ;)

As usual i'm free to chat on msn or by email about relationship stuff so don't be shy. I get quite a few emails a week and girls (mostly) call me or ping on msn so if i can't get back to you right away that why. I do answer everyone though so please be patient!

Until next time... xoxo

My rampage of appreciation...

I've always said that 'emotions' are just indications of the thoughts you are having, and to change the way you feel, you have to change what you think. If you want to feel good, you have have good, positive thoughts.... and the feelings and behaviour will follow.

It can be harder than it sounds but once you get in the habit it becomes easier to do. One exercise i do every morning on my way to work involves 'appreciation'. being happy with the good things in your life ensures a number of things:

- Your conscious becomes aware of how great you are and how amazing your life is
- Your overall outlook, mood and behaviour is attractive and positive
- You draw attention to the things that make you happy, therefore seeing & attracting more of it

lately through work i've let things slide, so as an exercise i decided to 'appreciate my life' in a blog post... as writing it down always makes it seem more real for me. So what do i have to be thankful for lately?

the sunshine whenever i walk to work always reflects on my hair and makes me warm and smiley

cold, chamomile tea with honey in the morning

kissing you... you always make me feel so sexy and alive

my business idea is starting to take shape... i can't wait to see what happens next year. And i have the best business partner in the world

living in LONDON!!!

my best friends. they truly care for me and love me so much.

i am grateful for my fashion sense. seriously

whoever invented the pill. thank you for making my breasts bigger

H20= great skin, more energy & youthful looks (i love you)

DARK, DARK CHOCOLATE

finding a book that i can' put down

Ode to the blackberry - connection to the virtual world of communication. You are my soulmate

the bubbles in the champagne. they make me merry

sometimes, just sometimes... girls get in free

I'm in control of my life and no one tells me what do

All things hot.... like chocolate, weather, men & me :D

MY NIKON D80 SLR. You inspire me!

Freedom of expression: my blog, twitter, facebook...

being a geek

just spending time with you beneath my feather duvet ;)

DANCING TIL MORNING

lacy, sexy lingerie. wearing you... make me so happy

Bubble baths, candle light & lots of me time

PERFECTION

Of course i notice these things vary considerably everyday! So above is just a slice in time of what makes me happy now.

Tell me yours... i'm curious to know ;)

Love may be blind... but your friends see clearly and thats not always a good thing.

There comes a time when you have to justify the guy in your life to your friends. It doesn't matter how committed the relationship is... if you are sleeping with him, they will have an opinion. In the past i developed a habit of keeping my dating life under wraps as far as how i 'truly' felt. I would glaze over the details when asked how things were going, mostly because my ex was the subject of scrutiny, and no one liked him because of how he treated me. It was better that way.

Its only in the last 6 months that i've allowed myself to open up again, though only to a select few friends, and mostly because of my increasing interest in dating and relationship psychology. I like the feedback ;)

Now with all this men-talk between us girls, one thing strikes me as true: Its very easy to feel insecurity when other people have an opinion. We like to seek their approval. Now i have written a post on this before but it was very generic. I'm now mostly focused on the fuss around why we need to get our men "qualified" by our friends.

Is it because we don't trust our own judgement? I remember not fancying my long-term ex at first until i asked my best friend if he was attractive. As soon as she said yes i didn't hesitate to like him back. So boys if you want to ensure she likes you, make sure her friends do...

I also think its because love can be blind.... but i'm wondering if love is blind for a reason. Is that the reason why (from my last post) Ross & Rachel were not able to just walk away from each other in the end. there were lots of reason why it shouldn't work, but to each other and many other 'real' couples out there this doesn't matter. They either don't see each other's 'flaws', see them and not care, or appreciate them as a part of that person... something they can tolerate and eventually come to love?

I've have had instances where i loved the fact a guy dressed badly! (yes me the girl who loves to make it catwalk day everyday) just because it was who he was. I've also found myself dating a guy who seems to tick all my boxes. But now i'm wondering if they were my boxes before i met him, or if they are now because he fits into them? I seem to like different things about different guys... and I can't change my mind that often? Can i?

And now i wonder if that means the guy who seems great on paper, when you market his brand to your friends, will be set up for a downfall when they actually meet him. The standards you set are high when all they know is he must be amazing to have caught your attention. But alas, when they finally meet him, and the cocky comments he makes, you know the ones that make you giggle, are not remotely funny to them... is it better they tell you? or keep it quiet?

Now if a friend says they don't like a guy i'm seeing or if he behaved badly in some way i don't let it deter me. If i'm happy then all is fair in love and war. Most of the time a guy-friend will "cock block" but i ignore that. Especially if the friend likes me in that way. But if its a girl its harder to understand, and even worse when its more than one. All i can think is that they don't want to see me get hurt, he must have been drunk or had his reasons. Still one can't help but wonder if its me that is truly blind in all of this. Afterall i lived with the most selfish, calculated ass-hole i've ever met, and i loved him.... and i wanted his children. I have a history of being unable to see.

I realise however that i am the one living this life and only i can judge my own happiness. I think these days i'm very capable of knowing my own inner state of affairs. And that should be the only compass guiding you.... otherwise you could get lost.

If you want to make a "connection"... sell emotions not yourself

Did you know that when models take to the catwalk there is a a key factor that contributes to seamless effect of their gliding walk.... its called alcohol.

Just before a show, on a not so surprising empty stomach, they down one glass of champers. The immediate light-headiness and buffered reality gives them a boost of confidence. They are relaxed and feel good. And so when they poise for the cameras and the onlookers they also look really good, the pictures are amazing, and the resulting show is a success.

So why do they do need to engage in the ritual of bubbles? Well, emotions convey a power sub-communication of someones agenda, outlook and personality. Being able to affect the emotional state of others is essential for those in sales and promotion. And an edge of alcohol is an easy and quick way to do it ;) In the most basic sense, we feel and take on the emotions of those around us. So if you are having a good time, feel relaxed and happy, most likely those in your company do to.

I try to use this to my advantage in business as well as social situations like dating. A lot of girls (and guys) ask me how to ensure you date is having a great time. Do you make sure you take them to their favorite place? Do you have to constantly ask them if they are ok? Do you seek their approval or entertain them at every step?

No. And if you did any of those things i can assure you your date will probably feel that you are a nervous, insecure and a bit creepy. Then comes the 'ick' factor - you are nice, but they don't fancy spending more time with you. They just don't 'feel' good around you. In fact they feel like you are making the 'date' hard work for yourself and because you can't relax... and so they can't. No one likes a slimy sales person who tries to 'convince' you to buy, so why should they like a date who sell themselves in the same way. The 'product' just feels cheap.

So what do you do?

Well in my experience its the same as being a host. The best make you feel like their home is your home. There is limited choice, because their event or party is catered to their taste, but you are free to take action or not in your own time. It is also about selling an emotional feeling. They should 'feel' that by spending time with you they get into a 'good emotional state', and so later, when they think of you, they associate you with that addictive state and seek you out for more of the same.

You can get anyone into a good emotional state just by having it yourself. And if you have solid inner game (positive self-image and attitude) then like any broadband radio station... your frequency is easier to listen to and dance to rather than tune out or into someone else's.

When passion fades... "constantly hit refresh"

You may have noticed that my articles have more or less ground to a halt.

No i'm not losing interest.... i promise that is not the case. Work is taking over my life to the extent that i've no soul left when i finally manage to pry my tired self away from my desk and go home. Yes go home... thats all i've been doing (if you can ignore my birthday weekend just gone that is) most of the time my life is spent staring blankly at my dinner while i cook and eat it. I don't even have inspiration to watch a movie. I feel empty and constantly tired. I have even started to hate my laptop and everything digital. I think i need a holiday....

And so what little energy i have tonight i'm going to focus on how you can turn around your life if you feel like i do right now.... dead inside.

Now this is not depression, although i think a few more months of this and i will be thinking of jumping off some very high buildings just for the rush.

I'm normally a positive person and i don't entertain stress or anxious emotions, but when you are drained of life like me right now... its hard to snap out of it. A never ending spiral of "numbness" emerges. The spark inside has gone and its not because i'm down or unhappy or upset. Its because i'm over-worked. There is a lot riding on my ability to pull this off. And i will of course. Nothing can stop me achieving my goals....

But, i need a break. And this is true for anything in life, like work, your living situation, your relationship, your social life, your art.... right?

As a result of needing a break from work, i've subsequently taken a break from everything else in life BUT work. I have no desire to shop, eat, play, date, write, plan.... I just want to sit and do nothing that requires too much effort or thought.

This got me thinking. Why when one aspect of our life takes over and tips the balance do we let it? and why do we sacrifice the things we love that give us energy and passion, for the one thing that takes it all away? I'm reminded of a story from my favourite author paulo coelho about a guy that only feels his life is worth something if he is important & busy. We all do it. We complain we have too much to do yet we pile on the work and demands with a certain pride. We like to be active. Feel needed. Yet how much of this is ego wanting to feel that the world has a place for us?

Usually i create & savour lots of 'me' time...

I have time to sort out my music to listen to on the way to work, to walk slowly enjoying the moment, to have time to look and absorb things i usually filter out.... then i truly wake up and have enough energy to ask ppl around me how they are. The simple act of being interested causes a brief connection and that makes both of us happy to be working together. We then have less to stress about and more to laugh about. Later i stop and take time for lunch and enjoy it with someone i love spending time with. And in the afternoon i allow 5 minutes each hour to email and ask someone how they are, arrange nights out and events, giving myself something to look forward to. And a 5.30pm i'm out the door rushing to meet friends, dance, have fun, flirt and actually live my life.

So on reflection? Do we always need a long holiday to break up life? or can this be achieved by enjoying quality 'me' time throughout the day?

I've never actually felt i needed to get away until now, but i think thats because my 'me' time has dried up and gone. And if i did go away on a long tropical holiday.... everything would be waiting when i got back and thats when the 'holiday blues' kicks in. Trips abroad should be the result of a fantastic lifestyle, not the remedy to a crappy boring one. By making 'life' more like a 'never-ending holiday' you engage in a lifestyle which never loses its value. It feels good and looks good and you tell ppl how good it is. This is attractive. Not just for the things you want, but for bringing into your world people who have the same attitude. Like attracts like and energy builds (physics) .... the city you live in becomes amazing (tourists do visit you know) ..... you meet an amazing bunch of people... get to do the coolest things.... and then write or tell vivid stories about it ;) and all in all the best thing? your life is what you made it. No one else...

And the dating/relationship advice in this post? (well there has to be some)

Well if you need a break i would say you and/or your partner are too focused on one, usually negative, aspect of your love life. Taking a break can be good, as usually the 'missing each other' period can build up attraction again. Going on holiday together can bring a breath of fresh air. But at the end of the day. The problems don't go away. Habits are hard to break and if you are in a rut, most possibly... you will be in a rut again. So what to do? Well change habits slowly but surely. A friend quoted Einstein to me the other day that "Insanity was doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results". So try not to be insane ;) Maybe look for small ways to appreciate each other. Take quality 'dating' time and plan things to look forward to. Communicate small meaningless messages over the course of the day. Do new things together that you;ve never done before. Meet/make new friends. Entertain others at your place. Be spontaneous. Inspire creativity. Put in the effort to make your relationship one long, long honey-moon period.

And realise, sometimes.... there is just no room left for 'what should be', 'what they didn't do', and 'what you need'. All you have is now.

Its a turn-off when... "the man wears the skirt in the relationship"

I think i belong to the population of girls that finds a guy with a talent a turn-on. Theres something about his dedication and time spent learning to hone that skill to perfection, a skill that serves no purpose other than it looks hot. It shows he has passion and heart & soul, and is motivated enough to get off his lazy ass and make something of himself.

The guitar is one of my favourites. But he has to be good. He has to be able to play more than a dozen tunes and not just repeat the same old song over and over again.It speaks to me in volumes if he has actually spent so much time 'getting good' that he has a certain 'spark' when it comes to self-respect. That self respect translates into confidence as a man. Someone i can admire, as anything i can't do automatically gets my respect.

This also seems true of things i can do. I mean if i can do it so can he. If not?... i rapidly lose interest.

I love a man who i can rely on to change a tyre for example. I can do this if i have to, but when faced with the possibility of aligning myself with a guy who struggles with these manly tasks... he's lost me. A friend of mine recently introduced her boyfriend. For sure he was four years younger than her but his lack of dominance or leadership made me cringe. He shied away from any responsibility all night and left me to make all the decisions. Now i don't mind being the alpha of the group - doing the tasks such as finding us a place to eat/drink, talking for the group in situations that called for it, paying for the group, looking after those who have drank too much or lost things... i have no problem being that girl. I do have a problem when a man prefers to let me be that girl because he doesn't have the balls himself. I'm not sure where these men come from but towards the end of the night, when she was fussing over him and hen-pecking him from afar.... i felt sorry for her.

A man should be a man and step up and play his role. I'm not saying women should always be the 'fairer' sex and have guys open doors or pay for dinner. I mean if any guy tries to tell me what to do i'm stubborn enough to do the opposite. But what i i'm saying is for a guy to be more attractive to a girl, he has to have that 'confidence' in himself to be dominant if the situation calls for it. I like a guy i can rely on to be my equal, and take the bull by the horns if i need him to. I don't want a puppy dog at my heels following me around a supermarket with a blank look on his face. Oi mister we need food. Thats why we're in here?

Maybe you think i'm expecting too much, or i'm asking for the impossible. I would have said that was true after one of my ex boyfriends used to call me when i was out with friends to come home and make him dinner because he didn't know how and was hungry! (yes its true!). For some reason i thought that all guys became four year old kids who need looking after when the relationship turns old. Now?

I believe that there are two reasons for a girl becoming a mother instead of a lover:

1) The guy is totally lacking in self-assurance and doesn't like to take on responsibility. It's obvious from the start as he'll be unable to make decisions and agrees to nearly everything you ask him to do and having a debate with him is frustrating as he seems to have no opinions. You feel control so you are in control. He has little talent for any of his many interests so no passion. He sits back an watches you do the hard-work (call the cab, order the drinks etc) or seeks your approval before he does them. Unless you like being a mother-hen, i suggest make it clear you won't be his.

2) The girl turns a perfectly capable guy into a baby who needs constant attention, approval and looking after. This is easily done when the girl takes it on herself to do all the things he should be doing because she wants to please him and make him happy and because its what she herself would want from him (we always treat others how we wish to be treated even if they don't). Or she becomes a nag, so much so that he stops out of frustration for never being 'good enough' or she is just too 'hard to please'.

In both situations the guy has lost his 'drive' or 'spark'. His energy is passive and laid-back. He isn't engaging or interested. And the biggest clue? his guitar, if he has one, is probably collecting dust....