Jul 14, 2009

Love may be blind... but your friends see clearly and thats not always a good thing.

There comes a time when you have to justify the guy in your life to your friends. It doesn't matter how committed the relationship is... if you are sleeping with him, they will have an opinion. In the past i developed a habit of keeping my dating life under wraps as far as how i 'truly' felt. I would glaze over the details when asked how things were going, mostly because my ex was the subject of scrutiny, and no one liked him because of how he treated me. It was better that way.


Its only in the last 6 months that i've allowed myself to open up again, though only to a select few friends, and mostly because of my increasing interest in dating and relationship psychology. I like the feedback ;)

Now with all this men-talk between us girls, one thing strikes me as true: Its very easy to feel insecurity when other people have an opinion. We like to seek their approval. Now i have written a post on this before but it was very generic. I'm now mostly focused on the fuss around why we need to get our men "qualified" by our friends.

Is it because we don't trust our own judgement? I remember not fancying my long-term ex at first until i asked my best friend if he was attractive. As soon as she said yes i didn't hesitate to like him back. So boys if you want to ensure she likes you, make sure her friends do...

I also think its because love can be blind.... but i'm wondering if love is blind for a reason. Is that the reason why (from my last post) Ross & Rachel were not able to just walk away from each other in the end. there were lots of reason why it shouldn't work, but to each other and many other 'real' couples out there this doesn't matter. They either don't see each other's 'flaws', see them and not care, or appreciate them as a part of that person... something they can tolerate and eventually come to love?

I've have had instances where i loved the fact a guy dressed badly! (yes me the girl who loves to make it catwalk day everyday) just because it was who he was. I've also found myself dating a guy who seems to tick all my boxes. But now i'm wondering if they were my boxes before i met him, or if they are now because he fits into them? I seem to like different things about different guys... and I can't change my mind that often? Can i?

And now i wonder if that means the guy who seems great on paper, when you market his brand to your friends, will be set up for a downfall when they actually meet him. The standards you set are high when all they know is he must be amazing to have caught your attention. But alas, when they finally meet him, and the cocky comments he makes, you know the ones that make you giggle, are not remotely funny to them... is it better they tell you? or keep it quiet?

Now if a friend says they don't like a guy i'm seeing or if he behaved badly in some way i don't let it deter me. If i'm happy then all is fair in love and war. Most of the time a guy-friend will "cock block" but i ignore that. Especially if the friend likes me in that way. But if its a girl its harder to understand, and even worse when its more than one. All i can think is that they don't want to see me get hurt, he must have been drunk or had his reasons. Still one can't help but wonder if its me that is truly blind in all of this. Afterall i lived with the most selfish, calculated ass-hole i've ever met, and i loved him.... and i wanted his children. I have a history of being unable to see.

I realise however that i am the one living this life and only i can judge my own happiness. I think these days i'm very capable of knowing my own inner state of affairs. And that should be the only compass guiding you.... otherwise you could get lost.

7 comments:

Chef Green

Wow...I'm so there right now.

Your work is always so insightful. It makes me question my own experiences and offers guidance.

I love that you're a "catwalk day" kind of girl! So haute!

Ali

I get insecure like this with every guy I've dated. I NEED my family to approve of him - sometimes to a ridiculous degree - in order for me to really like him back and feel okay with my decision to date him. I know it's crazy, but that's how I am. And obviously, you can relate - which is SO comforting! I think this is a problem many women have, partly because women like to please the people around them. But what you said is 150% true: if we are happy, then that is all that matters. Thank you so much for posting this!

Anonymous

:Cock Block?

OceanDreams

I actually have been thinking about this a lot lately and I have come to the same conclusions as yours! I think it is important to listen to your own guiding light, and no one elses. People will always have an opinion of you are dating and unfortunately a lot of girls will be jealous. So I try to not take it personally when my friends give their two cents. After all, they are not me and they are not me and my relationship with my boyfriend. I like advice, but I have to be willing to feel the hurt if i don't like their honesty. After all...if the relationship works out I won't be living with my girlfriends, I will be married to my new best friend, my boyfriend. Thanks for the insight once again love! XOXO

Andhari

This happens to me since I happen to date a guy who's absolutely loathed by 70 percents of my friends. I'm still with him but I still listen to my friends as well, he's mr.right now but I doubt I'll actually want to take it further than that.

In the end, it's all about feelings, I'm sure?

Adgirl

You are right, you can't act on what other people think, but you can't tell your friends all about your relationship and not expect them to comment either. If a friend's boyfriend says something deliberately insulting and provoking I will tell them because I think it says something about their personality which the friend needs to know. And at the end of the day I'd do it so that person could see her man through the pink glow and either accept his faults or heed the warning.

But maybe another reason would be because that person has annoyed me so much that I want to punish them by telling their other half. Less good friend and more outraged girl.

Those are the honest answers I have come up with. Hope that helps. Love you lots
xx

the.lifestyle.artist

J - always love catwalk day! ;) its like champagne day, only more sensible

Ali - glad we can share this frustration! I used to have the opposite problem. Everyone loved my ex. i've no idea why!

anon- http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=cock%20block

OD - very true. we have to listen to our own judgement because we are the ones that have to live with the results of any decision.

Andhari - it is about feelings and if you feel good when ur with him that should be your answer ;)

Adgirl - I'm grateful when anyone comments on my relationship. As i said its good to get feedback. My article was on what to do with that feedback as i can see how easy it is to get confused ;) but every fiend i confide in is not just anyone. i only talk to those i trust to give me their honest opinion, even if i don't take action!

and A i love you too! xx

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