Only love is real...or maybe not?

I remember believing that only 'love was real'. You know the kind, the love that movies & songs were written about, the love of two people.... soulmates. Theres actually a book called 'Only love is real' by a Dr Brian Weiss. And about seven years ago my boyfriend at the time gave it to me as gift. I loved him then, for his attitude to love was so open and embracing, a rarity in men. He wasn't afraid to tell me how he felt, that i was the one who he had been looking for his whole life... and combined with his easy confidence that i felt the same way, i couldn't help but do just that.

And now, many years on, after that 'love' that was so special, hasn't seemed to last... i've learnt a few things. I got into understanding 'the game' because i didn't know the rules. And where there are rules, there is a way you can win. I needed to believe that i could win for once, at this game called love. At first i was inspired and intrigued. The whole concept is more complex than you can imagine. I now know a lot about dating and relationships all based on the 'male dominated' concept of attraction I can interpret body language and sub-communication between couples. I can see what is wrong and how to change it. Its like i've finally been given a 'love manual' with all those misunderstandings about men explained in length and depth.

And it was fun for a while... but now my life is changing. I'm having a hard time writing because i don't know what i believe anymore. or should i say, i don't know what i want to believe. It strikes me that a lot of people study hardest either what has caused them pain in the past or what can help alleviate that pain. I study nutrition because i've always had tummy trouble. I needed to understand food to stop being a victim to my intolerances. Fear gives more motivation than anything, even love. The motivation to prevent loss, embarrassment, suffering, boredom, obscurity... we all have something that challenges us.

I admire those who study how people interact and behave. I'm one of them. But i'm motivated by fear... and i realise that so is everyone else who studies dating. We break it down because it scares us. We need to see how it works, so we can understand it. We've either suffered badly because of love in the past either because its always eluded us, or we've been burned badly.

And so that leads me to my internal state of affairs. Do i want to forever believe that 'love' doesn't exist? That its a chemical reaction and that it can be created with anyone should the present enough of a challenge to me to trigger intense attraction. Or do i want to got back to seeing the world through rose-tinted glasses and falling head over heels with the guy of my dreams. I know i can choose, for whatever i believe i create. And the latter would be nice, especially now i have a better understanding relationships....

But the answer? None of the above.

I like to be the observer of my own thoughts, because internally i sound like a four-year old trying to understand life and the universe. Sometimes i just need to shut up. I forget that writing is my way of making sense of that four year old. I don't even have time to write in my creative journal anymore... which makes me sad. Still when i get to blog it helps, and when i started this post i was still undecided about who i was, but now i think i see things clearer. Writing helps me take a step back and see that there is no choice. Its never just black & white. Life is many shades of grey, and when we go through life experiencing, we're adding to our color palate so when we come to paint the picture we want... we can pick from many hues, making life richer and a lot more interesting. In short, why choose just one path?

I can't go back to being the girl who loved too much. Just believing in love is not enough to be happy. When you don't have it. You mourn the loss and loneliness of it. And this new avenue i'm trying out lately... as much as its amazingly positive, being in control of all emotions gives no room for anything but a love for yoursel. It is the other extreme.

I need balance, and the middle road has the positives of both. Love does exist... i've had already decided that much. A life without it may stop you from getting hurt and letting anyone close, but its just an empty and unfulfilled way to live. But love doesn't conquer all. It wrong to put so much pressure on something that is just a feeling. Love can be created, it can be maintained... but it can also be abused. Love is in your life with or without you sharing it with a guy. It was always there if you choose to see it, you just have to find it. And you also need to understand it. Its taken me the last two years of my life to realise this piece of the puzzle. I now get how and why i lost love in the first place. And i also get that i do want to have it in my life going forward, but on my terms. And so i'm open to the next phase of my life and what (or who) it will bring ;)