Jul 26, 2009

Only love is real...or maybe not?


I remember believing that only 'love was real'. You know the kind, the love that movies & songs were written about, the love of two people.... soulmates. Theres actually a book called 'Only love is real' by a Dr Brian Weiss. And about seven years ago my boyfriend at the time gave it to me as gift. I loved him then, for his attitude to love was so open and embracing, a rarity in men. He wasn't afraid to tell me how he felt, that i was the one who he had been looking for his whole life... and combined with his easy confidence that i felt the same way, i couldn't help but do just that.


And now, many years on, after that 'love' that was so special, hasn't seemed to last... i've learnt a few things. I got into understanding 'the game' because i didn't know the rules. And where there are rules, there is a way you can win. I needed to believe that i could win for once, at this game called love. At first i was inspired and intrigued. The whole concept is more complex than you can imagine. I now know a lot about dating and relationships all based on the 'male dominated' concept of attraction I can interpret body language and sub-communication between couples. I can see what is wrong and how to change it. Its like i've finally been given a 'love manual' with all those misunderstandings about men explained in length and depth.

And it was fun for a while... but now my life is changing. I'm having a hard time writing because i don't know what i believe anymore. or should i say, i don't know what i want to believe. It strikes me that a lot of people study hardest either what has caused them pain in the past or what can help alleviate that pain. I study nutrition because i've always had tummy trouble. I needed to understand food to stop being a victim to my intolerances. Fear gives more motivation than anything, even love. The motivation to prevent loss, embarrassment, suffering, boredom, obscurity... we all have something that challenges us.

I admire those who study how people interact and behave. I'm one of them. But i'm motivated by fear... and i realise that so is everyone else who studies dating. We break it down because it scares us. We need to see how it works, so we can understand it. We've either suffered badly because of love in the past either because its always eluded us, or we've been burned badly.

And so that leads me to my internal state of affairs. Do i want to forever believe that 'love' doesn't exist? That its a chemical reaction and that it can be created with anyone should the present enough of a challenge to me to trigger intense attraction. Or do i want to got back to seeing the world through rose-tinted glasses and falling head over heels with the guy of my dreams. I know i can choose, for whatever i believe i create. And the latter would be nice, especially now i have a better understanding relationships....

But the answer? None of the above.

I like to be the observer of my own thoughts, because internally i sound like a four-year old trying to understand life and the universe. Sometimes i just need to shut up. I forget that writing is my way of making sense of that four year old. I don't even have time to write in my creative journal anymore... which makes me sad. Still when i get to blog it helps, and when i started this post i was still undecided about who i was, but now i think i see things clearer. Writing helps me take a step back and see that there is no choice. Its never just black & white. Life is many shades of grey, and when we go through life experiencing, we're adding to our color palate so when we come to paint the picture we want... we can pick from many hues, making life richer and a lot more interesting. In short, why choose just one path?

I can't go back to being the girl who loved too much. Just believing in love is not enough to be happy. When you don't have it. You mourn the loss and loneliness of it. And this new avenue i'm trying out lately... as much as its amazingly positive, being in control of all emotions gives no room for anything but a love for yoursel. It is the other extreme.

I need balance, and the middle road has the positives of both. Love does exist... i've had already decided that much. A life without it may stop you from getting hurt and letting anyone close, but its just an empty and unfulfilled way to live. But love doesn't conquer all. It wrong to put so much pressure on something that is just a feeling. Love can be created, it can be maintained... but it can also be abused. Love is in your life with or without you sharing it with a guy. It was always there if you choose to see it, you just have to find it. And you also need to understand it. Its taken me the last two years of my life to realise this piece of the puzzle. I now get how and why i lost love in the first place. And i also get that i do want to have it in my life going forward, but on my terms. And so i'm open to the next phase of my life and what (or who) it will bring ;)

4 comments:

Kimolisa

I would say the last 3-4 years have been a revelation for me. I'll be honest and say I did get a bit wild, got hurt and questioned the whole concept of love, but like you I went looking for the whole meaning. I just read a book that put all the pieces of this puzzle into place and I can completely relate to what you posted. The other day I had an epiphany that this whole love thing is concocted in our heads, okay some of it. Sometimes we see things that aren't there. There are so many things in the media painting this beautiful picture of love and not everybody gets that picture.

Like you I think there is love out there, but you have to look for it and not settle. I think I'm rambling.

Ali

Beautifully written. Just beautiful.

Rubby

I think the issue comes in when we expect love to be a simple case clossed kind of thing. we grow up to believe that love coms into your life and everything else falls in to place (the ending of so many fairy tails: "...and they lived happily ever after...").
what we should have been taught, i think, is how to handle and mantain love once we have it in its many forms. think about it - it becomes abused when we, because w feel so much of it for an individual, when we fail to set up boundries and understand that even though you may love them so much, you are not willing to do certain things. yes sure lve should have no limits right? but you tell me: what happens when we give our all to that friend who just seems to take and take and take without giving? we may love then and be willing to do all that but the abuse comes in when they just take and fail to realize that we too need to get some of that love back... result? pain and disillusionment in the sense that this feeling that was once so easy going and so grate has now become draining and a burden... (i have been there and i know).

we throw this love word around so easy yet question is: are we able to handel it? the idea of unconditional love even seems a bit over whelming - even when directed to ourselves.

ofcause i could totaly have it all wrong...

OceanDreams

Love is out there for you and you will find it when the timing is right. I've had a broken heart and now I am gifted with an incredible man in my life. Games can play games, but when love is right it is hopefully there to stay. I wish you love sweetie!

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