Big changes make you stronger.... or 'i'm so excited'

A few weeks ago i was asked... "if we needed you to re-locate to NY or LA would you consider?". Now you can imagine my reaction. Like 'hell yeah!" lol

I've always believed that where you live, where you are in your life, and what you do - all the external things, don't matter. Its who you are inside that counts and what you 'choose' to feel and how you 'choose' to act that determines your happiness. I mean if you live your life the way you want and always do the right thing by others, then how can you not feel good about yourself. Problems in your life always have a nasty way of following you and turning up when you least expect it, so running away doesn't help. However, there is something 'inspiring' about being given a fresh start....

I'm not just talking about moving to LA either, i'm talking about all things new... like new jobs, new people in your life and also new ideals and beliefs. Imagine that everything you used to be as the flora on each bank of the river, and you are say a twig floating down that river, the last thing you want to do is stagnate or get caught up in the reeds and foliage of just one particular belief, person, place or career.... if you do you might never make it to the ocean that symbolizes the bigger picture. Its super important to keep moving with the current beneath you, go where the wind takes you.

As much as i loved blogging about dating and psychology, its not something that i can see myself investing too much thought into now. You see life is about exploration and adventure, and there are so many other places in the realm of philosophy and imagination to visit, as well as physical experience.

When i started this blog i purposely named it something that meant a lot to me and always will... and that's the pursuit of truth and wisdom from life. There are no right answers or right ways to do things, and everyone is different. Trying to control or master certain aspects can be fun, but there's a danger with security through obsession. Do you ever really live if you box yourself into a corner?

I like taking chances, even if they leave me high and dry. If you don't try you'll never know right and so taking the risk of moving abroad might be the worst thing i've ever done but at least i reached for the stars.

Nothing can hold you back unless you make it that way, not anyone or anything in this world. I truly believe that. Imagine having no regrets because of that belief? because everything you do is the right thing for you, no matter what people say or books say or your ego tells you. Nothing is less true than your heart. And to live like you have nothing to lose but everything to gain, you have to listen to what it says.

I realised yesterday that i react from the heart naturally. Its about doing something because your gut tells you to, because you truly care and because you have nothing to gain. Its unconditional love for yourself that drives it. Its easy to forget and ignore, easy to see yourself in a bad light because others say so, or because your ego is unfulfilled. Its easier to accept the fear of hurting others and being hurt, and acting the bitch.

But strength comes from seeing your weaknesses and sharing them with people you care about, and opening your heart, to something more than what you allow to show on the surface, showing people the side that's not so together. And if they stick around, then that proves they are the coolest.

Having new places and new people to think about is a good way to snap yourself back into the zone you should be... you know the one... the place where you are amazing and no one else can tell you different (If they don't like it they can get lost, why would you have someone in your life that treats you like dirt anyway?). So if something comes up that scares you, seems like a hell of an uncomfortable journey, go for it... all you are leaving behind are those who want to be left.

Lx

"My control drama is..." or "anger management for dummies"

When i rant about something i end to go on and on. Tonight, having dinner with Marshall was no exception. I was tired and very tense at the end of my tirade. He told me to 'chill'. I hate being told what to do, especially what to feel. I found myself getting defensive, interrogating him, asking him... well no telling him 'hey look i was just having a bad day'. Ok that he understood. He relaxed into an easy smile, open and understanding, and asked if he could help.

I sighed "You can't help me. Only i can change the way i feel about things." I felt like i was being brave and adult. Aware that this 'bad day' was all my own making.

Marshall never judges me, but this time he held up his hands like he was giving up. i was a lost cause. "oh well bless you then" and started laughing more loudly. I told him to shut up, but as soon as i said it i grinned too. I wanted to hit him and hug him at the same time.

"I'm angry all the time." I admitted to him, annoyed that i didnt know how to get past these pent up emotions without taking it out on those around me. Marshall nodded and winked the cheeky way he does sometimes. "Hey im the same. Why do you think we're attracted as friends? I see myself in you, so i understand you. But you know anger is caused by your frustration at wasted energy. All it takes someone to try to control you, take energy from you, and it traps you into giving it to them unwillingly. You don't like it so you get angry."

"Ok, but how do i go from feeling normal to suddenly wanting to bend iron?" It cant just be frustration surely?

"Well it starts by you blaming yourself because they make you feel bad. Then you blame them instead for making you feel that way in the first place. The negative energy has nowhere to go but outwards towards them. Strangely you are still giving that person your attention, even if it is negative, so they get what they want... your energy, your time, your focus. Because their behaviour gets them what they want, subconciously they may keep on doing it. We do what works, and so a cycle begins. Overall its your anger that fuels the fire without you realising it."

I understood energy was the same as attention but i wasn't clear on how someone could trap you into giving them your energy. "Ok, so how to other people trap you into the cycle in the first place?" It was a simple question i know as there are many ways to make people angry. But it wasnt examples of stupid or provoking behaviour i wanted. I needed more definition. A theory.

In all seriousness, thinking of the right words, he leaned back and raised an eyebrow with an air of authority (something i've never been able to do no matter how many times ive practiced in a mirror!). Marshall knew what kind of answer i was looking for, and of course he delivered.

"Ok, well you know about the four control dramas right?" I nodded. I did. Control dramas are the acts we perform that manipulate attention from other people... a way to be in control.

He started to tick them off on one hand. "Intimidation, Interrogation, aloofness and.."

"Poor me?" I add.

"Yes exactly. In fact everyone has a dominant control drama, one of the four, in their life that they fall back into out of habit. Its up to us to recognise it, become aware of it and recondition ourselves to act in a different way. One that isn't controlling. For instance, which one do you think you are?"

I pondered this question carefully, mainly because i'd never realised one was more dominant. "But i think i've used them all in the past." I admitted... a little regretfully because they are not nice things to use on other people no matter what the situation. Most of the time i don't even know i'm acting in this way because i can't see past how i feel at that time, and i always have an excuse that i tell myself to justify it all.

"Yes of course everyone uses all four dramas, but there is one that is used the most by you. Look to your parents. What do they use, or more exact what did they use towards you when you were young? Your dominant control drama is usually fixed when you are young by those who bring you up."

Now this i could see. Funny how you can see the flaws of others more readily than yourself isnt it? I told him what i thought their dramas were when i was younger, and what they were now.

Immediately he had the answer. "You will be the opposite then, so your main drama is 'aloofness'."

I was about to disagree, because i thought i was probably either 'poor me' or 'intimidator' from recent crossfires between those close to me. But looking back i'm actually very aloof, and a lot of people say this about me more than anything else. In fact no one has ever said i intimidate them or that i play the role of a victim. I'm always being told that i'm very closed, distant, and hard to get to know. Sheepishly i smiled and nodded. He had my control drama spot on.

"Yes! yes you are haha! like that time you were avoiding me for weeks and weeks when you thought i was upset with you and you were angry at me.... and when i finally got hold of you, you were like 'I wasnt avoiding you. What do you mean? i was just busy and this and that. Dont get so upset'. Can you see? the dominant control drama is very easily changed into the others when you are not aware. You switched from aloofness to interrogation when your aloofness didnt work anymore. Which is why you think you have all four. You do, but they are linked to the dominant one, and in such a way that once you get rid of it, your aloofness, the rest will go too." He grinned, glad he was right. I had to admit he had me pegged, and I very much wanted to (playfully) shove him off his chair. Honestly. Its like being teased by a annoying big brother.

I grumbled. "Hmmm.... I guess you're right. Recently i argued with a friend, and instead of making it up or talking about it, i wanted to avoid it so didnt mention it again and contacted her a little less than usual. It seems when anything bad happens or i don't want to deal with it.... my way of controlling the situation is to leave it all together."

"But" I added. "though i can't tolerate people who are 'poor me' or ' interrogator' types... naturally they either get me angry (intimidator) or i shut them off and get all distant (aloofness). I don't think im like that with people who are also 'aloof', like me. They tend to get me curious at first, maybe little frustrated with lack of communication, as a last resort i may get interrogator like. Thats kinda like nagging right? Still i find im more tolerant of people who are 'aloof', or i get angry with them less."

Marshall took a sip of his tea. "Well of course. We are attracted to people we understand. You understand 'aloofness' because it is your main way of controlling. However if someone is better at it than you it also becomes a challenge and if you are sucked into the drama... it is always the opposite tact that you will adopt to try to gain control again. With aloof people you act 'interrogator' to get attention and as you know first hand they just shut you out even more... and 'poor me' types turn you into an 'intimidator' to retaliate back when they use their drama to make you feel bad for them."

I frowned. I didnt like being sucked in to drama or making people angry. Other people made me angry and i ended up annoyed with myself for losing my rag and annoyed with them for causing me to lose it. I asked him how to avoid such a situation happening. I didn't want to be controlled but i didnt want to try and control others either.

"Just be aware and it will stop. As soon as you recognise your behaviour and theirs, you will become more understanding of why they are acting this way and more open to allow your attention to freely move towards them. After all thats all they want. Then, and only then will you not feel anger. The anger builds because you do not want to give. You are resisting it."

"But isnt that giving in?" I wondered.

"Nope. It is like being more evolved. Like a parent with a child, and knowing that the only way to move forward is through your maturity to see beyond the fight between you. When two kids fight over a toy, neither one can see that there is no point in fighting over the toy. They both want it and will act like spoilt children to get it. Throwing tantrums in a way." His eyes creased up in the corners as he said this, looking knowingly at me! "It is only when one is an adult that they can see that the toy is meaningless and can give it to the child and make him happy or brush aside the tantrum itself with a little patience and understanding, as ultimately it will never deteriorate their love for the child."

I sat for a minute taking this in and suddenly felt tired. I must have looked it because Marshall shook his head. "Its difficult to do all the time, to be aware. I still get angry with others a lot.... "

"but of course" He gave a heartfelt sigh that said life was indeed hardwork "... you know thats because i'm always right!" His sudden stupid grin was infectious and i suddenly knew why i would always feel good around Marshall.

He always knew how to make me laugh. And I did.

"Yes! So being aware is the first step, but laughing is also good!" He chuckled loudly like he does while i was still laughing and the whole restaurant looked over at us doubled up over nothing. Sometimes its like that with Marshall. We just laugh.

What a difference a day makes... or "the art of forgiving a man"

My New Years gift to you ladies...

Meet Paul Wesley, rising star in the new teen-drama hit 'the vampire diaries'.... *sigh* and yes i too get shivers all over just looking at this picture ;)

Ok back to the article...

Sooo every morning i wake up and for a barest of minutes while i slumber between wake and dreaming, there is nothing on my mind. It is empty. And then it dawns like a bad memory and the unresolved emotions come flooding back to bite me in the ass. There lies a soft sadness that lingers at the back of my throat. Noted i proceed to get up and get out and on with my day.

It takes me the next 12 hours of walking, reading, working, people watching and eating to fully dissolve that sadness into nothing. I've devised this concept of fully immersing myself in feeling, whatever it is, and riding it out. I don't mean moping or dwelling on it like a stroppy teenager, i mean taking whatever raw emotion it is and tracing it back to the source. I want to know where it comes from, how it developed, what makes it better/worse, i want to understand every aspect of this feeling until it feels like nothing but a gift of knowing myself better.

By nighttime the feeling has been transformed from "this really hurts me" to "this was never about me"...

Forgiveness isn't about condoning what someone did to you in the past. Its not about saying that you are worth less because you accept the way they treated you. Its about accepting it and realising others only hurt you because they were in some form of fear about their own lives.

... it was always about them.

and when you finally accept this opportunity to become more open and less judgemental, to learn the lesson, well you let go and finally move on. And dump the not-so-desirable emotional baggage that makes you feel drained just carrying it around all day.

Until this week i was still carrying the pain and hurt from a very old relationship. I had never forgiven him. Funny because i didn't even realise i needed to forgive. That's how arrogant i can be. But not forgiving keeps you stuck in the past, living in denial-ville (thank you Isa), and repeating the same mistakes and accusations over and over and over.

I got no room for this baggage in 2010. Time to travel light i say.

L x

Why women who have it all are hard to please... otherwise called 'denial'

I realised this morning, after waking abruptly from a disturbing dream, that i have quite a large chunk of denial still hanging over me. The dream, or rather nightmare, dragged up all those old feelings of dissatisfaction in my life, especially love. In my dream my ex wanted me back. Dream Lisa much to my dismay took him back, falling straight into old patterns of stepford wife versus ungrateful bastard. Still dream Lisa was happy because she got what she wanted... or did she?

You see theres never been a guy good enough for me. I know now that at one point, possibly very early on in the relationship but still, the 'long-term ex' was essentially a good guy. It was my being so very difficult to please that pushed him into behaving the way i expected making matters worse and confirming my worst fears. In fact, looking back throughout all of my relationships i'm never happy. I mean he can give me the moon and i still pick away at his faults.

This is my denial.

You know, 'denial' the story we tell ourselves (and others) to avoid the pain of the truth about our own shortcomings - like feeling jealous when others succeed, acting critical when we should offer love, selfish when we should be giving - these little faults we are so ashamed of that we even lie to ourselves that the exist? After all its so easy to build up reasons in our minds why we act harshly towards others, like they deserve it, or to teach them a lesson.... sound familiar?

The hardest thing to accept is the darker side of ourselves, the side that isn't so pretty. I should know, pretty is very important to me. But sub-consciously we all have this side, even saints. The key is to remember that when the ugly truth is brought to light - say a loved one pushes the right buttons, winds you up, makes you angry/upset or react in a negative way... they are just bringing to the surface a part of yourself you could never confront on your own. And this feeling was there way before this person even came into your life and triggered it.

Its up to you to recognise that this person should not be blamed for parts that need work (in fact you should thank them for making you aware), and take responsibility instead. Yes, own it., before it owns you. Until we start to own these bad feelings and accept that they are ours, they will simply continue to control our lives, the dramas will repeat themselves over and over, people will keep coming into our lives who are better and better at triggering and we will still remain the victim. Never happy.

In my case, i'd blame the guy i was with because he wasn't doing enough of the things i thought he should to make me feel loved, secure, smug, satisfied, complete... etc Each time he fell short of my expectations i would experience a whole array of disappointment, frustration, and loneliness, that i was misunderstood and ultimately unloved. I blamed the men in my life for feeling this way and in the end all that did was push them away.

Other times, when guys i've dated have had the integrity to shower me with affection, and done too much, ive gone the other way. My insecurities at not being enough and essentially failing him, or my fear of being manipulated combined with lack of trust that surfaced when pushed to 'give up', as i felt my 'supposed' personal freedom.... made me aloof, distant and overly critical. Like before, i would sabotage the relationship before it could develop deeper and lose out on sharing my life with someone who really did care.

In both i was replaying pattern i'd picked up from my parents and old flames, when at times their restrictions and expectations either brought about a need in me for unwavering love and support or a desire in me to exist beyond their manipulations and control.

Funny today of all days i can clearly understand the lesson in the powerful demonstration of just "pointing a finger" at someone. I mean if you look carefully three times as many fingers are pointing back at yourself right?

What would you do if you weren't afraid... sign-up to a bootcamp?

In about the time it takes for my tea to simmer from hot to tender & warm, i was able to skim through a well known book titled "who moved my cheese". Its been sitting on my book shelf for months now. A friend bought it for me knowing my love of inspiring reads. She even sprinkled the pages with glittery stars to spice up my enjoyment...

I liked the story and the repeating question "what would you do if you weren't afraid?". Sometimes fear keeps us trapped in many situations because we're afraid to leave our comfort zone. Anger and resentment makes us unhappy but still we don't change, all because of the fear of failing. And even though i know the lessons already, sometimes i need to hear it again, to remember it.

So what would i do if i wasn't afraid?

I'd open my heart again and stop pretending a set of rules can keep me safe from getting hurt

I'd trust those closest to me to do what they say they will and not find fault if they can't. I'd trust them to care about me so much that there is no reason they would hurt me on purpose

I'd let all my frustration and disappointment go over things not going how i planned, and just have faith that the world i've created is moving in the right direction for me to be the happiest i could ever be

I'd realise that i am exactly where i need to be, not behind or too far ahead, in exactly the right spot to learn and be who i desire to be. Happiness is here. I shouldn't ignore it or try to control the situation, I should just be.

I'd let go once i knew that there is nothing left to stay for and stop allowing possessions (material or otherwise) to become more important than my own pursuit of happiness.

I'd take control more and fight for what i wanted

I'd see myself as amazing as i am and stop looking or searching for the cracks

I'd make it happen

Funny thing is writing this out makes me laugh because although i 'know' this stuff inside out, suddenly all this makes sense again! I love who i am and you know i love most of all the fact that i see all of this and that i'm aware of my potential. Crazy, kooky love-hippy-chic with a spiritual soft-centre? Maybe but who gives a fuck if it makes me feel good right?

Anyway i'll leave you guys (boys only i'm afraid) with something to consider... a change to embrace if you fancy it:

A friend of mine, 5.0 is taking charge of his first official bootcamp with Sheriff in London. What is a bootcamp you may ask? Well its run by lovesystems a well known school that teaches 'the' methodology of how to talk, approach and date women successfully in any situation. I've been to a few of the seminars and talks and this stuff is eye-opening to say the least and i'm a girl! I've also been approach by 5.0 himself (yes that was how we met) and i must admit i was well and truly smitten for a while ;) And here i am promoting his shit so i must think he's cool still?!

Anyway there are a few seats left so if you want to go drop him an email 5.0@lovesystems.com. Just tell him i sent you ;) and he'll be extra nice cos you're my friend.

Laters xoxo

Sometimes i forget to focus on "what i really want"...

Know what you want, focus on it, and gradually make it happen...

I know it works because i've studied it and lived it for the last two years....

Only i've been quite negative recently, focusing heavily on what i 'don't' want and this is perpetuating a current 'shit-storm' that keeps raining heavily on my life.

I'm not sure how this happened, but the immediate effects are apparent. I've started to worry and get 'down' a lot about my situation. You see i'm homeless, or will be very soon. Come the end of the month i have no where to go! I've also had to deal with some heartache, and even though i know how to mend it, i still have to go through the motions of working through it. Bad emotions are a bitch... really, but they all come from the after-glow of self-pitying, whinny, negative thought patterns.

So i'm going to give my ego a kick and a re-start this weekend. I'm going to ban those little stray instances of 'poor me' and not just get on with it... i don't want to be a martyr. In fact i have more than a lot to be grateful for. I just need to get off my sorry ass and enjoy it!

So hence the 'Bad-Thought-Diet':

At least once a day i'm going to tweet about something amazing that happened to me or something cool about myself, anything as long as it positive.

I'm going to start reading material that opens up my awareness again, and allow the teachings of other people to influence my day and my perception of it

I'm also going to re-start my creative journal. I stopped writing in it because i didn't need it anymore. The good-feeling intentions generated in my mind were enough to sustain me. But slowly i've let things slide... i couldn't even motivate a cheerleader at a pep rally at this rate. So i'm going write in my journal everything i 'do' want in my life and focus on that.

Its time for a change... but like everything, the change needs to happen within first, and to be honest i'm tired of listening to myself moaning!

"All girls want a boyfriend" ... er no, not in my world

I've just been listening to Lilly's new single 22. And despite the depressing lyrics.... i actually like it.

But you know. I have to disagree with it. After all i'm nearly 30 and my life is definitely not over.

Going back to basics... your life is what you make it. 'Society' may dictate that by now i should be married with kids, but i love my life the way it is and one day those things may or may not come, but they do not define how happy or complete i am.

There is this myth still in circulation that all girls want boyfriends.

I think it must be a throwback from the era when women were defined by their marriage -they weren't able to vote or have rights and they definitely did not have careers. In this day and age, where women are meant to be equals, we still aren't. A girl that sleeps around is a whore and a woman that reaches the age of 30 and isn't married is an old spinster, yes, even in major cities like London.

Typically women are programmed to want to find the love of their lives and want to start a family. Its in the movies, the romance novels and even in the hearts of the women themselves. You ask any girl and her biggest dream would probably to be to fall in love, second usually to getting married and having kids. No wonder guys think all girls just want a boyfriend...

And you know what? I actually don't. Not right now.

It hit me while i was cramming two business meetings, flat hunting and a friendly lunch into a tight schedule - i don't have time to be in love. Not right now. Even if it turned up on my doorstep i'm a little reluctant to accept it. You see i've been bitten by that bug that seems to affect men quite a lot. Now i'm not sure if its because i've working hard on myself to banish a lot of my female insecurities and needs, developing my career and social life, filling my world with ambition and independence, or if its because have created a world of abundance when it comes to men and pretty much have no trouble finding a date, playmate or a boyfriend should i really want one... or all of the above ;)

Right now? i just want to focus on my career. If any guy came along who wanted some kind of commitment from me... i'm not sure i would have the time to oblige.

You see i'm selfish and i like my me time. I also like spending time with my friends and going places with 'guy' friends as well as girls. I also love not having to answer to anyone. I mean i have plenty of time to get married and be a mother. Now is the time to have my freedom, while i'm young enough to enjoy it!

But... and theres always a 'but' ;) I love doing those things that couples do. I love going on dates with someone i know well that i don't have to 'make' conversation. I only like sleeping with the same guy who knows my body and i know his. I love waking up with someone next to me and cuddling before work. I love going on holidays, cooking him meals, doing those little things like buying him presents and sending him things i know will make him laugh. I love making that one person i care about happy...

But I just don't want the hassle of having to change my life to fit someone else into it. I've had to do it time and time again before and maybe i will be able to compromise in the future.... but right now its not for me. I don't have time or the motivation to be that girlfriend - the one that chooses to stay in because three nights in a row is a bit much, who cuts out her 'guy' friends because he gets jealous, who saves for the house not herself, who has to play nice with his annoying work friends, who runs errands and does the monthly shop, who goes to bed alone waiting for him to come home, who does the washing and the ironing because he is crap at it, who shifts her goals and ambitions to fit in with his dreams, who adapts her clothes and the way she does her hair to appease him, who is suddenly aiming for less than she is able and doesn't even see it... all because she loves her boyfriend very, very much.

No i'm not ready to be that person... and i'm not sure if i ever will. I like my life and any guy who wants me will seriously have to make me fall very, very hard to change that, especially if he wants me to iron his shirts... well maybe on his birthday ;)

Focus on you ... for a change

A friend of mine was telling me a story about her weekend. In that story were many crazy moments but scattered between the memories were words used to justify her 'selfless' actions... words like 'i couldn't let him do that for me', 'i'm not worthy of such attention', 'he didn't really want to, i don't think'...

Another friend explained her lack of communication with her boyfriend with words like 'he'll think i'm needy', 'i don't want to bother him, 'he doesn't want me there'....

And i have been guilty of similar 'selfless' thoughts such as 'i want to make her feel comfortable/happy', 'i want this person to like me', 'i should give/spend more time'...

In retrospect, this is selfishness coming through the backdoor.

I read once that 'tending only your own garden' is the most selfless act you can choose to do. Meaning?... well look after yourself and your desires first. It may sound like a contradiction. To be self absorbed is not what I was taught at school. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense. But the more i study philosophy, psychology, science, spirituality and even art...

...the more i understand the concept of truly being selfless - its minding your own business.

To connect with everything you have to start with yourself first. Call it 'self-love' or call it 'inner-game'... doesn't matter what the hell you call it. The results are the same. Everyone gains. And I'll explain how.

*Only you know what you want*
You will never know what anyone else is thinking or feeling, so how can you know what they really want? Don't waste your time. Trying will cost energy and generate useless negative emotion, especially if you get it wrong. Its also a really selfish thing to do, putting thoughts and words to other people's lips. It's truly arrogant thinking you know them better than themselves and then change your behaviour without consulting them first. Take at face value what others say out loud - that they mean what they say - it helps those around you to strengthen their boundaries if they don't, and be honest with themselves and you. Your friends will understand nothing if you anticipate their needs with your own good intentions. And neither will you.

*Inspiration is a great teacher*
Focus on yourself and who you want to be. I can guarantee it will inspire others to evolve as you do. The challenge you set your friends will be to climb the same mountains, or maybe find a different path. Whatever the outcome, its the only way to progress. Constantly turning back to observe others on their ability to climb will only hinder you both. Assist if you can, but not at your expense.

*You are better equipped to help*
I was told that you should only write about what you know, because being there is only way to understand the true perspective of any experience. And if you help yourself climb that mountain first... then you'll know exactly where the pitfalls and potential dangers lie. Only by helping yourself can you then begin to help others, and most importantly relate.

*If you are happy, others are too*
Focusing on you and what makes you happy has a strange way of becoming infectious to those around you. They become happy by default (If they care, and i'm assuming you only want people around you that care). Your life - career, family, friends, home, interests, studies, projects, teachings, travels... the things that give more definition to just an 'existence' - is what makes you 'you'. It is the reason why the people around you love you and find you 'attractive'. Continue to dazzle them if you can. I know it will brighten up their day.

So if you want my advice, based on what i've been through myself, then do everyone a favour - go focus on you ... for a change ;)

Only love is real...or maybe not?

I remember believing that only 'love was real'. You know the kind, the love that movies & songs were written about, the love of two people.... soulmates. Theres actually a book called 'Only love is real' by a Dr Brian Weiss. And about seven years ago my boyfriend at the time gave it to me as gift. I loved him then, for his attitude to love was so open and embracing, a rarity in men. He wasn't afraid to tell me how he felt, that i was the one who he had been looking for his whole life... and combined with his easy confidence that i felt the same way, i couldn't help but do just that.

And now, many years on, after that 'love' that was so special, hasn't seemed to last... i've learnt a few things. I got into understanding 'the game' because i didn't know the rules. And where there are rules, there is a way you can win. I needed to believe that i could win for once, at this game called love. At first i was inspired and intrigued. The whole concept is more complex than you can imagine. I now know a lot about dating and relationships all based on the 'male dominated' concept of attraction I can interpret body language and sub-communication between couples. I can see what is wrong and how to change it. Its like i've finally been given a 'love manual' with all those misunderstandings about men explained in length and depth.

And it was fun for a while... but now my life is changing. I'm having a hard time writing because i don't know what i believe anymore. or should i say, i don't know what i want to believe. It strikes me that a lot of people study hardest either what has caused them pain in the past or what can help alleviate that pain. I study nutrition because i've always had tummy trouble. I needed to understand food to stop being a victim to my intolerances. Fear gives more motivation than anything, even love. The motivation to prevent loss, embarrassment, suffering, boredom, obscurity... we all have something that challenges us.

I admire those who study how people interact and behave. I'm one of them. But i'm motivated by fear... and i realise that so is everyone else who studies dating. We break it down because it scares us. We need to see how it works, so we can understand it. We've either suffered badly because of love in the past either because its always eluded us, or we've been burned badly.

And so that leads me to my internal state of affairs. Do i want to forever believe that 'love' doesn't exist? That its a chemical reaction and that it can be created with anyone should the present enough of a challenge to me to trigger intense attraction. Or do i want to got back to seeing the world through rose-tinted glasses and falling head over heels with the guy of my dreams. I know i can choose, for whatever i believe i create. And the latter would be nice, especially now i have a better understanding relationships....

But the answer? None of the above.

I like to be the observer of my own thoughts, because internally i sound like a four-year old trying to understand life and the universe. Sometimes i just need to shut up. I forget that writing is my way of making sense of that four year old. I don't even have time to write in my creative journal anymore... which makes me sad. Still when i get to blog it helps, and when i started this post i was still undecided about who i was, but now i think i see things clearer. Writing helps me take a step back and see that there is no choice. Its never just black & white. Life is many shades of grey, and when we go through life experiencing, we're adding to our color palate so when we come to paint the picture we want... we can pick from many hues, making life richer and a lot more interesting. In short, why choose just one path?

I can't go back to being the girl who loved too much. Just believing in love is not enough to be happy. When you don't have it. You mourn the loss and loneliness of it. And this new avenue i'm trying out lately... as much as its amazingly positive, being in control of all emotions gives no room for anything but a love for yoursel. It is the other extreme.

I need balance, and the middle road has the positives of both. Love does exist... i've had already decided that much. A life without it may stop you from getting hurt and letting anyone close, but its just an empty and unfulfilled way to live. But love doesn't conquer all. It wrong to put so much pressure on something that is just a feeling. Love can be created, it can be maintained... but it can also be abused. Love is in your life with or without you sharing it with a guy. It was always there if you choose to see it, you just have to find it. And you also need to understand it. Its taken me the last two years of my life to realise this piece of the puzzle. I now get how and why i lost love in the first place. And i also get that i do want to have it in my life going forward, but on my terms. And so i'm open to the next phase of my life and what (or who) it will bring ;)

Love may be blind... but your friends see clearly and thats not always a good thing.

There comes a time when you have to justify the guy in your life to your friends. It doesn't matter how committed the relationship is... if you are sleeping with him, they will have an opinion. In the past i developed a habit of keeping my dating life under wraps as far as how i 'truly' felt. I would glaze over the details when asked how things were going, mostly because my ex was the subject of scrutiny, and no one liked him because of how he treated me. It was better that way.

Its only in the last 6 months that i've allowed myself to open up again, though only to a select few friends, and mostly because of my increasing interest in dating and relationship psychology. I like the feedback ;)

Now with all this men-talk between us girls, one thing strikes me as true: Its very easy to feel insecurity when other people have an opinion. We like to seek their approval. Now i have written a post on this before but it was very generic. I'm now mostly focused on the fuss around why we need to get our men "qualified" by our friends.

Is it because we don't trust our own judgement? I remember not fancying my long-term ex at first until i asked my best friend if he was attractive. As soon as she said yes i didn't hesitate to like him back. So boys if you want to ensure she likes you, make sure her friends do...

I also think its because love can be blind.... but i'm wondering if love is blind for a reason. Is that the reason why (from my last post) Ross & Rachel were not able to just walk away from each other in the end. there were lots of reason why it shouldn't work, but to each other and many other 'real' couples out there this doesn't matter. They either don't see each other's 'flaws', see them and not care, or appreciate them as a part of that person... something they can tolerate and eventually come to love?

I've have had instances where i loved the fact a guy dressed badly! (yes me the girl who loves to make it catwalk day everyday) just because it was who he was. I've also found myself dating a guy who seems to tick all my boxes. But now i'm wondering if they were my boxes before i met him, or if they are now because he fits into them? I seem to like different things about different guys... and I can't change my mind that often? Can i?

And now i wonder if that means the guy who seems great on paper, when you market his brand to your friends, will be set up for a downfall when they actually meet him. The standards you set are high when all they know is he must be amazing to have caught your attention. But alas, when they finally meet him, and the cocky comments he makes, you know the ones that make you giggle, are not remotely funny to them... is it better they tell you? or keep it quiet?

Now if a friend says they don't like a guy i'm seeing or if he behaved badly in some way i don't let it deter me. If i'm happy then all is fair in love and war. Most of the time a guy-friend will "cock block" but i ignore that. Especially if the friend likes me in that way. But if its a girl its harder to understand, and even worse when its more than one. All i can think is that they don't want to see me get hurt, he must have been drunk or had his reasons. Still one can't help but wonder if its me that is truly blind in all of this. Afterall i lived with the most selfish, calculated ass-hole i've ever met, and i loved him.... and i wanted his children. I have a history of being unable to see.

I realise however that i am the one living this life and only i can judge my own happiness. I think these days i'm very capable of knowing my own inner state of affairs. And that should be the only compass guiding you.... otherwise you could get lost.

When passion fades... "constantly hit refresh"

You may have noticed that my articles have more or less ground to a halt.

No i'm not losing interest.... i promise that is not the case. Work is taking over my life to the extent that i've no soul left when i finally manage to pry my tired self away from my desk and go home. Yes go home... thats all i've been doing (if you can ignore my birthday weekend just gone that is) most of the time my life is spent staring blankly at my dinner while i cook and eat it. I don't even have inspiration to watch a movie. I feel empty and constantly tired. I have even started to hate my laptop and everything digital. I think i need a holiday....

And so what little energy i have tonight i'm going to focus on how you can turn around your life if you feel like i do right now.... dead inside.

Now this is not depression, although i think a few more months of this and i will be thinking of jumping off some very high buildings just for the rush.

I'm normally a positive person and i don't entertain stress or anxious emotions, but when you are drained of life like me right now... its hard to snap out of it. A never ending spiral of "numbness" emerges. The spark inside has gone and its not because i'm down or unhappy or upset. Its because i'm over-worked. There is a lot riding on my ability to pull this off. And i will of course. Nothing can stop me achieving my goals....

But, i need a break. And this is true for anything in life, like work, your living situation, your relationship, your social life, your art.... right?

As a result of needing a break from work, i've subsequently taken a break from everything else in life BUT work. I have no desire to shop, eat, play, date, write, plan.... I just want to sit and do nothing that requires too much effort or thought.

This got me thinking. Why when one aspect of our life takes over and tips the balance do we let it? and why do we sacrifice the things we love that give us energy and passion, for the one thing that takes it all away? I'm reminded of a story from my favourite author paulo coelho about a guy that only feels his life is worth something if he is important & busy. We all do it. We complain we have too much to do yet we pile on the work and demands with a certain pride. We like to be active. Feel needed. Yet how much of this is ego wanting to feel that the world has a place for us?

Usually i create & savour lots of 'me' time...

I have time to sort out my music to listen to on the way to work, to walk slowly enjoying the moment, to have time to look and absorb things i usually filter out.... then i truly wake up and have enough energy to ask ppl around me how they are. The simple act of being interested causes a brief connection and that makes both of us happy to be working together. We then have less to stress about and more to laugh about. Later i stop and take time for lunch and enjoy it with someone i love spending time with. And in the afternoon i allow 5 minutes each hour to email and ask someone how they are, arrange nights out and events, giving myself something to look forward to. And a 5.30pm i'm out the door rushing to meet friends, dance, have fun, flirt and actually live my life.

So on reflection? Do we always need a long holiday to break up life? or can this be achieved by enjoying quality 'me' time throughout the day?

I've never actually felt i needed to get away until now, but i think thats because my 'me' time has dried up and gone. And if i did go away on a long tropical holiday.... everything would be waiting when i got back and thats when the 'holiday blues' kicks in. Trips abroad should be the result of a fantastic lifestyle, not the remedy to a crappy boring one. By making 'life' more like a 'never-ending holiday' you engage in a lifestyle which never loses its value. It feels good and looks good and you tell ppl how good it is. This is attractive. Not just for the things you want, but for bringing into your world people who have the same attitude. Like attracts like and energy builds (physics) .... the city you live in becomes amazing (tourists do visit you know) ..... you meet an amazing bunch of people... get to do the coolest things.... and then write or tell vivid stories about it ;) and all in all the best thing? your life is what you made it. No one else...

And the dating/relationship advice in this post? (well there has to be some)

Well if you need a break i would say you and/or your partner are too focused on one, usually negative, aspect of your love life. Taking a break can be good, as usually the 'missing each other' period can build up attraction again. Going on holiday together can bring a breath of fresh air. But at the end of the day. The problems don't go away. Habits are hard to break and if you are in a rut, most possibly... you will be in a rut again. So what to do? Well change habits slowly but surely. A friend quoted Einstein to me the other day that "Insanity was doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results". So try not to be insane ;) Maybe look for small ways to appreciate each other. Take quality 'dating' time and plan things to look forward to. Communicate small meaningless messages over the course of the day. Do new things together that you;ve never done before. Meet/make new friends. Entertain others at your place. Be spontaneous. Inspire creativity. Put in the effort to make your relationship one long, long honey-moon period.

And realise, sometimes.... there is just no room left for 'what should be', 'what they didn't do', and 'what you need'. All you have is now.

How to love unconditionally...

Tonight i had visitor. I invited him to dinner mainly out of curiosity. You see his message compelled me to call. All it said was "I realised something today....". 

"So what did you realise?" I asked after waiting patiently most of the night for him to open up. M, with his ability to evade direct questions, said something flippant that made me laugh. I threw the tea towel at him and he smirked... a grin easing on to his beautiful face. 

"I realised a few things, many of them i realised a long time ago, but never felt them until now." I nodded while i drank tea, and stared into his eyes. I could listen to M talk for a lifetime. He sat opposite and talked about how the problems he was facing in life were showing him many things. Indeed he was grateful for them. Life goes in cycles of good and bad, constantly oscillating towards a better understanding of the present. Without each experience there is no comparison or learning and therefore no resolution with our current situation. In fact if we don't have acceptance of it all, we may end up living the same dramas but with different people or environments. Learn what it is you need to learn and change your reaction or repeat the lesson over and over. 

I suddenly felt like i had been chasing my tail with my thoughts most of the week. It was clear that i had fallen into a trap of allowing my mind to convince me i had to win at all costs. Pride is the right hand of even the weakest ego, and i was too proud to let myself down. Or what i felt was 'down', because direction is all in the how your perceive it. In fact i could have been fighting against myself this entire time, like a pet kitten playing with it's reflection. Sometimes it's staring you straight in the face, and you can't see it because your conditioning, your emotional baggage, your disappointments, your own mind.... tells you that you are right. Well maybe you are not right and the only one losing out ends up being you.  

When the mind controls you through fear, when you come from a selfish place... others around you also come from there. It is only when you speak from the heart that you can inspire others to do the same. 

In some ways i don't know how to speak from the heart and i admitted as much to M. His smile seemed to say he expected this question. He reminded me then of unconditional love.

"Imagine two people. One is happy, independent. Complete. Another person comes along who is also happy. Together the energy between them is amazing. The feed off each other and it is almost better than before. Now one will eventually close off to the other if that person is unable to maintain giving. Maybe they are fearful, maybe they need to be in control, maybe they are wanting more... so they stop giving. The other person may respond by also pulling away but what they are doing is mirroring the fearful person and in that way they are bringing themselves down to that level to get attention. And then a drama begins with both people fighting for affection, both unwilling to give freely like before. 

In unconditional love... the person who is less fearful says "here have the energy you want from me. take it"  then refills elsewhere from other things in their life. The have no need to fight for a limited source of love. And this means they can give freely without expectation or need of receiving anything back. In a relationship where both give freely, there is no fear, and therefore no loss. Speaking from the heart is like that. It is selfless."

I pondered his words as he kissed my cheek goodbye. How many times do i say "I" or "Me" when i think or speak..... 

randomly there are 20 "I"s & 4 "me"s in this post.

We collect what we project...

According to Robin Sharma, author of 'The Monk who sold his Ferrari'...

'other people in our lives are mirrors of our true selves'.

Meaning: We only really appreciate positive qualities in another person if we can recognise them in ourselves first, and are particularly sensitive to negative traits in others if we also possess them.

And life, being the way it is, finds a way to bring these people to you. In a sense - we collect what we project in order to show us truly who we are, and of course, learn from it, deal with it, and move on.

On self-reflection? Well more so these days I'm able to recognise and truly appreciate if someone is emotionally intelligent/mature or not. And as i'm learning to avoid being controlled by my emotions i'm also learning to see this in those around me.

How do i do this? I'll try to explain. Ok, imagine an art dealer... now the more experience they have, the more an 'intuition' develops so that so many years of experience can assist them in just 'knowing' a fake from an original without being able to say why. Malcolm Gladwell talks about the power of this, 'thin-slicing', in his book 'Blink'. A great read. I can't recommend it enough.

Interestingly i've also read that 'you're only as good as the people closest to you... so choose them wisely.' It seems I tend to attract people into my life who are dealing with the same dramas and issues i am, and/or who are the same level or place in their life. Which is why my social circles have changed vastly in the last 6 months. I'm just not the person i used to be.

So is it the people around us that lend their defining traits our way first that we absorb like a sponge? or do they enhance the qualities in you that you both share, having been attracted to a feeling of 'i can relate to this person, they understand me, we share the same qualities' in the beginning?

Either way, i'm constantly attracting men who are not likely to express themselves emotionally. They are detached and almost aloof at times (control drama #1).

Much to my surprise, a friend gave me food for thought when she described me as in the same way as the men i date! Truth is, she may be right. I don't let anyone in as easily anymore, especially the men. And if how you feel/behave is reflected back. Then the 'coolness' i'm feeling from the men i date is probably something i need to address in myself first.

So has been worthwhile looking at those close to me and seeing my 'real' projected self? i would say yes... in 2007-08 i was an emotional wreak and attracted people who were just as flaky or needy as i was. I can see i learnt from being around them, and found out who i was enough to change. And now in 2009 i do have friends who are dealing with intimacy issues... but i'm also surrounded a lot more by people i respect and who have independance, grace, energy and passion enough for me to see that those talents at least are in me too.

Nice to know ;)