May 3, 2010

How dominant should a guy be in a relationship... or every girl wants a white knight

Take 'blue-eyed guy'... im going to call him that because his other nickname is just too mean. I met him at bar through mutual friends. He seemed nice, a little young for me but only by a year or so. It was his eyes that did it. I'm a sucker for a pair of baby blues and his are dark blue and twinkle like big stars when he grins. I let him take my number mid-conversation flow.... first big mistake!, I should have waited until we at least stood up first. We went to leave and i found that he was at least 2 inches shorter than me. Yes, yes i know height isnt everything and i was wearing mega call-girl heels that night, but 2inches!!

To alleviate the pain of this and to give him a sporting chance... i searched everywhere in the shops for a pair or sexy flats to wear for our 'first date'. Conclusion - there are no such things as 'sexy flats'. Ok then, heels it is. In honour of that decision i decided to go all out and wear my new, deliciously sexy, over the knee boots, teamed a cute nautical date dress (that could be considered a shirt by some but sod it who cares), some dangly earring and a few well placed curles to volumize my hair.... one last look in the mirror confirmed i should have been wearing a warning sign saying 'too hot to handle'. Maybe it was overkill for a first date with a guy that probably wont see ever again, but girl has to look good right? And you never know who you might meet. Rule no.1, always be prepared.
But i should have known better. From the get go it was a non-starter. I just couldn't get past the height issue. I love that feeling of being safe with my guy, and if i can see over the top of his head how can he protect me from anything? I kept wanting to pat his head like his big sister.
You see the man in the relationship has to have the illusion of courage and power, or at least some sort of dominance. Otherwise the relationship runs the risk role reversal, where she ends up wearing the trousers after losing respect and confidence in him as a man. Some women don't mind short men as this doesn't trigger an automatic loss of respect, but for me it doesn't sit well with my notion of a guy that can take care of me. Its what i'm not attracted to and i can't change that despite all those really cool guys out there that just don't make it to the 6ft mark.
Still i tried but the crunch came when he came to kiss me and i had to lean down to meet his lips. Ewww factor big time. Hastily made my excuses and ran for it.
But its not just height... there are other factors too. I've dated a guy who had issues with drugs and drinking. Watching him break someone's arm because the guy look at you or sitting in some strangers house while he deals coke made me feel vulnerable and scared. Even though he was taller than me, and stronger in every way... his lack of self control or willpower made me feel unsafe.
At the end of the day the guy you choose has to be able to gain your trust and induce the right attractors to make you feel comfortable around him. Its a fine line really and i have asked myself...
where does "dominance start to be become a weakness?"
In this age of equality, women want to be treated the same as men. but theres a catch. We also want to be respected as women. Its confusing for a guy right? how dominant should i get with her. If i relent will she see that as a sign of weakness or will she think i'm a cold, callus bastard?
No man wants to see contempt or even worse disappointment in the eyes of a girl he's trying to love. Its like a hand of death. He wants to be your white knight, and if a girl admires him he will do anything to keep that admiration.
Being a girl i can vouch and say that boys most of the time you'll get it wrong because you think theres a magic formula to get her to adore you. There isn't.... Its a case of understanding her fears and not taking her questions or insecurity as a personal sleight on you but not letting her walk all over you either. Thats when she will realise you are her rock and the adoration will come naturally, when she can depend on you to always be the same strong foundation, whatever the weather.
So the questions remains, what is the right amount of dominance in relationships? Well in my opinion a guy can push beyond what he thinks of as being too dominant, as long as it doesn't infringe on her rights...
1. Not being afraid to physically show you are present - theres a difference between man-handling her and being firm. Holding her waist, touching briefly upper arm, leading her to your destination by the hand, gently pulling her hair back while you kiss... these gestures tell her you are in the room and are confident enough to close that gap in personal space without being asked.
2. Asserting your opinion and sticking to it - If its important to you don't relent, but don't be a bully and give her the silent treatment afterward. You've made your point, now drop it. Otherwise its like the male version of nagging. Reward her for listening to you or she'll just start to avoid causing any clash in the future for fear of you retreating into your shell.
3. Being a leader and making choices for both of you - the small choices though, not the big ones. Its nice when you decide on the restaurant or what colour dress she looks better in, but not deciding on who her friends should be or where you should live.
4. Looking out for her and taking her side - loyalty is important for making a girl feel safe. She has to know you've got her back whatever happens, against friends, against family etc. At least be neutral. Your her champion remember...
5. Being confident enough to hold your own in her environment- don't get cocky and showoff or be rude to her friends as a way to hide your 'out of your depth feeling' and don't stick by her side all night either. Find a couple of people you know to chat with and just don't get too drunk so that she can have the freedom to relax and let loose.
6. And lastly don't hesitate - just do it, say it and be it already. very very attractive quality.


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