There is 'pace-setting', 'slow'... and then there's me. I could not keep up with the boys when running today :( In my defense, i haven't run for a while and with pole-dancing class last night, i was dead on my feet.
It got to a point where i had to turn back. My breath was short, i had a stitch, and my muscles were protesting every step. Feeling defeated i jogged the return strip even though i wanted to walk. I closed my eyes and ignored the sharp pain digging under my ribs and kept going. I was hot and bothered. I wanted out. My body wanted my bed. My spirit felt low.
In that moment when i could focus on nothing but my own physical misery... everything looked crap. Even the trees which are full of blossom & potential right now looked like shit. I'm not sure where this low mood came from but it followed me all the way to the bridge. To my credit though i persevered.
A burst of sun paused my negative spiral of thoughts. I couldn't ignore the nagging feeling of self-pity any longer. If fact it was making me sick to my stomach. The voice of my mentor was telling me to 'man the fuck up'. And i know i'm not a man but you get the drift. M would just laugh and tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself. I was being a typical girl.
Determined to at least change my mood I sifted through the last few months of my life in mind, comparing it to before. And you know... I realised I've never felt or been happier. I love my life now. I love the freedom. I fear less. I'm more decisive. I'm more... me. As in i know who i am. And the best bit? everything to look forward to is still to come.
As these thoughts spilled into my awareness, the baggage i'd been dealing with these last few weeks fell away from my shoulders. Suddenly I could breathe again. There was no more pain. My muscles adapted and felt warmer. I was moving faster, almost bouncing along. I even wanted to photograph the sun through trees because of their beauty ;)
Life's little reminder?
'A breakdown is expected before a breakthrough... so don't give up just yet'