One of my favorite films of all time is 'The Holiday'. Yes i have a weakness for guys that look like Jude Law with the personality of his character in the film ;) But i also love the scene where Authur tells Iris to get her act together:
Arthur Abbott: Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend.
Iris: You're so right. You're supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for god's sake! Arthur, I've been going to a therapist for three years, and she's never explained things to me that well. That was brilliant. Brutal, but brilliant.
This speaks volumes to me.
Not only do i have to be the leading lady in my own life but to any guy that comes along and wants my heart. Why? Well when someone tells you they are in love with someone else and ask you to play support, its an instant passion killer. I was once in love with a guy who still had a girlfriend. We worked together, and unavoidably we spent a lot of time together. I never noticed him when i first started working at the company but one day, a few months after my break up with the ex, i found i couldn't stop thinking about him.
All the girls fancied him. But i could never see it until i became single. Suddenly i wanted him. A waste of time? Yes probably... he was taken. And she was a lucky girl. I told him that when we kissed goodbye after one night where i let my heart rule my head. I was ashamed to say that i didn't feel any regret. He was the hottest and nicest most interesting guy i'd every worked with and the attraction was undeniable. He messed with my heart and my life for months afterwards. It got to the point where i left my job. Yes, never mix business with pleasure.... its not pretty.
And so now i'm loath to play second fiddle. Even if that girl is not in his life anymore. His hang-ups just don't do it for me. I learned the hard way when i realised my boyfriend at the time was not over his ex when we started dating. I don't think he loved me any less, but when he brought her up time and time again, unable to let go... it pushed me away. I'm selfish. I don't like to share.
I know everyone has emotional baggage. And i have lost some loves in my life. Men i've shed tears over. But i would never compare any guy to one in the past. If i did i would not be moving on. I would be living in the world of 'what was and used to be'. And since i don't cling on to any past 'loves' i hardly tolerate a guy that does the same. Its one of my boundaries. I'm unforgiving of any guy that can't do what i can do. He has to be stronger not weaker.
I'm also aware of how it can ruin the potential of anything with someone else, having not being able to let go of my own demons when it came down to it. But in the end i dealt with it. And once you can see light at the end of the tunnel... the getting over him/her is really not all that difficult. In fact, people do it everyday:
1) Realise what you remember is not exactly how things were. Time distorts memories. If they were truly that amazing and it was meant to be. You would be with them now. There are reasons why you never made it as a couple or reasons why you aren't moving forward. Remember what wasn't working? Why didn't flow? Don't forget love should be easy. Its not supposed to be hard work. If its negative now... whats it going to be like 20 yrs from now? Don't kid yourself that they were the only love of your life.
2) Don't consume yourself in a relationship, any relationship from the past or in something like a re-bound. Getting rid of emotional baggage takes time. Its not a race. Spend time out of the dating scene. Focus on you and your life, career, family etc. Be selfish. Do what makes you happy. Take a break from contacting your ex. Out of sight, out of mind.
3) Be open to new experiences like travelling or changing your life. It has an amazing way of opening you up sub-consciously to meeting someone new. Don't look for your ex in another person. You'll only repeat the same dramas all over and what you didn't like about your ex will come back to haunt you. Again theres a reason why you split. Accept it and move on.