May 14, 2009

Is casual just a waste of time?

Sometimes a girl wakes up and realises that the situation is not going anywhere. She knew it at the start. She had fun. but deep down, it was never going to make her happy.

A guy i met recently who is so chilled and career focused right now that a relationship is off the cards, asked me last night "whats wrong with a girl and guy just being friends".

Me: friends who sleep together?
J: yeah. Why not? Wats wrong with that?
Me: I think if a girl is ok with it. She knows the score and is happy that it won't go anywhere then yeah why not. But most girls believe that it will. And the difference between men and women then comes into play. Basically girls can't distance themselves emotionally for too long. Any longer than 6 months and I think she'll get hurt.
J: I see. And she can't just take it for what it is and enjoy it?
Me: Not if she's a girl you would want to spend time with and have respect for. Being with a guy for just sex is a high price to pay if she has standards and her needs are not being met at all. I think short term she can handle it, any longer and she is hoping for more and too weak to cut it loose. Maybe a guy would abuse that trust and give her false hope but if she's wanting to be with him I hope for her sake he's not that type of guy.

For any girl considering this situation and wanting the end result to be a relationship I will say one thing, it’s a lost cause. Only go into the 'friends with benefits' situation if you are strong enough to:

- walk away when it's over
- don't see it as long term
- it suits you now because you don't want that level of commitment yourself

In the past I've only ever been in this type of situation twice.

First time was a joke - I was young and stupid and thought we he liked me enough to want more. It lasted three months before I got my act together and ditched the time-waster.

The second time - I knew that he didn't want anything serious and I stressed I was unable to handle anything casual. In the end I knew what I was doing and went into the situation with my eyes open. No expectations. This time was better. I able to handle it more and because it was lifestyle choice (needing space and freedom myself) it was the best fun I've had in years ;)

So I'm not saying a girl should not try it once in a while. But she has to be in the right place of mind. She must not 'want' anything more with this guy. Once she starts feeling that she does… it's time to get out if he doesn't want the same, before its too late.

Rules of the game:

1) Protect yourself first. This isn't a relationship so you owe him nothing. Put your needs first not his. Although for a girl this is the hardest thing to do. We love to 'care' for our men but save all that nurturing love for a guy that deserves it. This player will only respect you less.

2) Set your boundaries and make it clear what you want from this. Don't let him flake on you or f*ck you about. You are not his sex toy. If he doesn't treat you with enough respect as he would a friend… call him out on his bad behaviour or get rid ladies.

3) Don't play make believe and see things progressing beyond what you have now. He isn't. He's a guy and what isn't broken doesn't need fixing. Just enjoy your time with him while you have it.

4) Don't make more demands or try to play mind games. You have allowed this situation to develop. He is comfortable with what you have accepted and set down in step 2. You can't change the rules halfway through.

5) Don't just leave the emotions at home, actually let them go. The key to being happy is how you precieve things. You can't be the victim if you chose to play this game. You will only lose. Understand that this is the fun before you have to settle. Can't do this when your old and grey ;)

6) Get out early. On a high note or after a period of not seeing him for a while when you are stronger. Don't keep it going until someone else comes along or until he gets bored of you. This way you will feel in control and happy with your choice.

7) Try not to repeat the situation with a new guy (or same guy) straight after. If you're wanting out then i guess its because you want more. Don't be a fool and go back because its easy or into a similar set up. Stick to what your guns otherwise yes… you'll have just wasted your time.

6 comments:

Anonymous

So Cool~ The rules are so realistic, I am trying to get rid of it!

Chef Green

These are sagely rules. You've always got the medicine, dear. The game is a little different in the gay world, but the setup is way too familiar.

Miss Confession

this is like reality hitting in the face. My say is if both don't want commitment. Both not looking for anything more than casual and can live with just being casual, then go ahead but always beware when playing with fire.

Kimolisa

I definitely agree with you. In the end a girl needs to know that she is worth more than a romp in the sack. It all comes down to what a person want out of a relationship and stick to that.
Just my thoughts.

the.lifestyle.artist

thx for the feedback guys. Yeah it also seems to be a big city thing? i'd never even heard of this being so common when i lived up north. i think its the fast paced lifestyle. not enough time... too many girls lol!

the.lifestyle.artist

or guys ;)

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