A few of my friends are in the first flush of dating a guy they really like. They tell me they have a great time together and he seems is really into her, but something he said recently was a little off…. like "I know you just want a boyfriend…" or "I'm no good for you…" or even "Lets just take things slow".
And as you can imagine my friends asked me why. It wasn't like they wanted to speed things up? And surely she can make her own choice about whether a guy is good enough for her? And most girls, who have an ounce of intelligence, do not want just any guy to be their boyfriend. They are selective. They are dating to assess if the guy is a loser or not and if they want him to hang around.
Speaking from experience. I can't even consider having a guy to be my boyfriend unless
1) I care about him
2) I like & respect the guy
I can't develop the emotional attachment enough to care or know if I like who he is a person if I don't get to spend time with him and 'just' date for a period first.
Unfortunately there are a lot of girls out there who do "just want a boyfriend". They are looking for the security of someone to look after them. They need men in their life and usually they are never without a guy in tow. The qualities they look for are power, status & money. And maybe looks if she can afford to be picky. I call these women 'table hawks'… because they are the girls that gravitate towards tables in nightclubs. They collect free drinks from men like badges of honour. And they use sex as barter to get what they want. Its these girls that give men the impression that any girl worth having comes with a unforgiving price tag…
So in the mind of guy… all women want boyfriends. And we only want him for the things he can provide, like his job prospects (because we may not have any of our own?), his status in his social circle or his looks (because we want him for show and to make us look good?) and his money (because we all want a guy to pay?).
It suddenly makes you realise why a guy goes to so much effort to develop these things. He thinks that is all he is to us. A meal ticket to a better life. And hence the reason why he'd rather 'not' be your boyfriend and just be friends who sleep together instead. Being a 'boyfriend' comes with responsibility and well as the commitment. And you must so be worth it if he's going to give you all of that… and he won't know if you are after just 2-3 dates.
Now us girls. We are creatures who 'feel' first. We just want to have a deep connection with a guy. We want to fall in love. We want a guy who gets us, who understands us, respects & appreciates us. A guy who makes us feel sexy and safe. Someone we can care for yet doesn't need us. A guy who makes us laugh. A guy with a good heart who will treat us right. Yes… we want the fairytale and we think we find it… often.
Imagine this. You're a girl. You just met a guy and the way he makes you feel is amazing. There's this connection you have, he understands you, he seems really into you, he's charming, funny, sweet... and you suddenly think 'I feel like I've known him all my life'. You start to imagine a life together. He seems perfect. And so you ask him 'where is this going' or you act like 'he is the One'.
Now this is dangerous! What you are feeling is not 'love'. It is a chemical reaction (oxytocin etc) to how he makes you feel when you are around him. Sure you like him as a person but you can't really know a him after a few dates. It takes time to develop a 'real' connection & understanding. Now I call this 'emotional attachment'. And most girls (or guys) can slip into one very easily if they are in touch with their emotions. Most men on the other hand do not develop this as much in the beginning and come from a place of physical attraction, logic and reason rather than 'feelings' when they are dating. Usually this logic/reason is thinking that the only reason you want him to be your boyfriend (because seriously you can't know him that well yet) is because of what he can provide. See the miscommunication here?
So my advice? Well girls I can only tell you what I've researched and what I've tried, tested and what worked:
1) Think like a guy. Ignore your emotional feelings for him. They are not true. Instead assess his qualities as he is assessing yours. Is he worth all the trouble of committing and the added responsibility? Is he a guy you can respect and like? What do you like about him? What drives you crazy? Why should you date him? Does he want to fit within your boundaries? Take your time. Have fun. Its not a race.
2) Communicate & feel hesitancy. Let him know you still aren't sure if he meets the mark. Tell him what you value in a guy and what your boundaries are from day one. Let him rise to meet the challenge of making you his. I say 'feel' as well because you can't fake something you don't feel. Change the way you think, go back to step one.
3) Compliment him & show affection. When I ask my friends if they tell their guy what they like about him… they say they don't. This is a shock to me. I mean the poor guy. No wonder he's confused and wonders why you are with him. Now I'm not saying lie. You have to be honest. But there's nothing needy with telling a guy what makes your world spin, especially if he's the one that does it. It actually sub-communicates a powerful message that you know what you like and you're not afraid to express it. I always tell a guy how he makes me feel. That I find him sexy or that I love the way he cares about his friends and his generosity. If he has a skill, focus on it and tell him you think he's amazing at it. Tell him you love the way his hair curls at the back. Tell him his kisses drive you crazy. Tell him you love his addiction to buying potted plants…. Basically open up and tell him all the things you would normally write in your diary or dissect with your girlfriends on the phone. And touch him like you can't keep your hands off him. Massage his shoulders while he sits on the computer. Grab him in for an unexpected kiss. Show him how he makes you feel. Trust me the guy will lap it up and feel there is another reason you keep him around…. And its not anything to do with his bank account or the letters after his name.
Now I'm not saying this is a way to ensure you will get a boyfriend! This post is not about that…. this is about reminding girls out that not every guy you date would make a good boyfriend, even if he seems to good to be true. Know your boundaries (e.g. exclusivity, commitment, quality time) and stick to them, because only then will you be happy with your choices. You don't even have to use the label 'boyfriend' if he is already agreeing to your boundaries unless of course you want to. For me the boundaries are there to stop me getting hurt by a guy I choose to spend time with... not to ensnare a husband.
And a note to the boys out there… I apologize if you don't think this way. You are amazing and very emotionally mature if you understand why women behave the way they do. We wish more men could be like you ;)
May 7, 2009
- A qualifying nutrition & lifestyle therapist studying positive psychology, NLP, social circle & relationship dynamics and the art of creating reality...
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