May 27, 2009

Can you have too much attraction... and still be friends?

Meet Penn Badgley.... ummmmm. He's very hot. Blake is a lucky girl ;)

And where was i? Oh yes, so lately i've been wondering if it could ever work. The whole 'lets just be friends' thing. I can see it happening very firmly when at least one of the couple is not attracted to the other. Usually its the girl. We have this ability to switch off our 'desires' by way of a positive feedback mechanism. The less we get the less we want (and the opposite is true too) Makes it easy to become celibate, should you ever want to do that (and i have for a whole year, and it was not that hard actually).

But what if the two of you are still really, really attracted to each other, I mean clothes ripping, hair pulling, omg i can't stand the sexual tension kinda attraction? Hmmm ok imagine the scene. You're cool friends, you get on really well, you used to have a thing but now its over, you still hang out and still actually like hanging out. There are moments when it feels right... his hand on your waist, the lingering kiss on the cheek, the drunken flirting when you're together that gets everyone confused, even the both of you. What is with that? 

I remember seeing my long term ex for a catch up drink one night and the it amazed me, that after 6 months of not seeing or talking to each other, the attraction we had was still red hot. The connection was always amazing with him, and maybe thats why it hurt so much for me to learn to let it go. How did i deal with it? Well i cut him out of my life. Being that attracted to someone i didn't want to be with was frustrating and it ruined any type of friendship we were trying to cultivate. Friends don't kiss... end of.

I think its harder once you have known someone intimately. Especially for a girl. Our desires grow with comfort and familiarity. If we have been there before, it feels so right the next time that its hard to restrain yourself. Your body innately responds to his without your consent. You remember how it felt when he kissed you last, when he touched you... 

Compare that to a guy you've never let anywhere near your bed - you have nothing to draw on to fuel the fire. Its like starting from scratch in my experience. Even if you are majorly attracted, the 'devil you know' is always more of an allure. 

And in both cases... too much attraction is exactly what it is, although in my book its harder to go back to friendship once you have been a little more. 

So where do you draw the line? Well i'm loathe to remove anyone from my life who i actually like, no matter how much i hate the fact they make my knees weak at the slightest touch. And i think an unplanned drunken kiss between two ex-lovers is nothing to be shy about. I love kissing but not with just anyone, and who better to kiss than someone who does it well and knows my body as well as i do? And after that, i'm resolute enough to say no and mean it. 

And friendship? Well i used to be able to say yes, you can still be friends. In all those cases though, i found the guy became less attractive to me once we ended things (because i ended things). Except for my long-term ex, who turned me 180 degrees when i realised no you can't remain friends, because you had never been friends in the first place... and if there is still attraction, there is still something.

So in all honest truth? I'm not sure. The only thing i can say is if you can, kill the attraction you have for them. Which is easier said than done:

1) Spend less time with them. Out of sight, out of mind. Remove temptation if just for short while until your body forgets. Although i'm not sure if your body ever forgets. Just when i think its ok to test the water, i'm back to square one. On some level your body must become sensitised to the chemicals of the other person and all it takes is one moment alone and you're lost.

2) Imagine that they are gay/straight or just not available? I have this thing in my head where i place a guy into a 'friend-zone' box. It works better when they are not around though to mess things up. 

3) Find a distraction. This is the only cure i know that works. Go out and start dating. I find as soon as i'm all smitten with another guy, i've lost attraction for the 'friend'. 

And as for the answer to my question. I'll let you know...



If you find the answer to your question, please let me know. I have been trying to be friend with my ex that I was with for 5 years and it is hard. Granted, he is in a different state so it makes it easier, but still on the phone is it hard enough. What you described, the crazy attraction, is what I have for him. I don't think it will go away, ever. And that sucks because our relationship wasn't healthy, but our chemistry was amazing. I dare say I had better chemistry with him that my current boy, but my current boy respects me. Anyway, I have been struggling with the "friend" thing because I want to stay friends with him, he's my high school sweetheart, but if I talk to him too much he starts taking up my heart and time again, so I have to be careful. Maybe you are right. Maybe it is best to cut the ties, distract yourself for a LONG while, and move on. Why is love so complicated?!


nice post!

TudorCity Girl

Wow.. I have more to say..but right now am still in awe over that picture of him!!!!!


That is so funny because I just saw my "friend" this morning and yes there is still a very strong attraction but it would never, ever, ever work. I tried ripping him out of my life, where I just didn't talk to him on the phone and it was hurting me more than it hurt him. Now we talk every now and then and I keep it on the phone. To be alone in a room with him is trouble.

update : erm no you can't. Details coming soon in my other blogs guys lol

OD - attraction is a pain in the ass. my problem is i can only be attracted to one guy at any one time. I think i'm programmed that way?! so need to kill it.

Nishi - thx! i love the picture myself hahha

TCG - i know! i love chuck or nate personally but when i saw this i was like.... omg. he is just too hot. He's now my new fave on Gossip Girl haha

Kimolisa - i feel ur pain. i'm considering the same thing lol



i think so yes.
well for some time that is.
i have had something like this, more than once. although i would not be able to take it as far as where the sex is concerned, but it works to a level.
his touch had thi unbelievable ability to tun me super on and his kisses worse. we spent summe holidays together and yet deep down i knew that if he could wake up tomorrow and leave i would still be ok with that. no attachements.
we were friends yes and we did have some history but there were times post brake up where we would ust meet and have that tear-your-cloths-off-intence thing and i loved every mment of it. strange thing though was when he was out f sight, i wouldnt really miss him andno calls. but when the mood came over either of us... it was on...
(friend with benefites???)
its a pity though at themoment cause he still wants he same thing while im attached and have closed that chapter...

OD - still not sure about this one! lol. I agree attraction is crazy. and maybe it is best to cut ties? i think its harder when you really respect the person too. we'll see. i have to do more research!

Rubby - really wow. i've never actually found that with any guy. with me the chemistry always comes with something 'more' in that i do care about them and like talking to them and seeing them. maybe guys kno how to do this better than me?
then again the question is... do i want to be able to do this? whats the benefit?

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