Sep 29, 2009

May you live in interesting times...

Every year or so i decide to massively overhaul my life... either by changing where i live, changing my job or who i'm seeing, or all three. It usually happens after my birthday, coming into the winter months. A kinda fall clearout of useless emotions, ties and goals. This year is no exception. I feel like i've gone all out. I'm currently torn into little pieces and scattered all over the shop. Its relentless, its unforgiving... but its who i am. I like to evolve or should i say force myself to evolve.

The worst thing is knowing that you did this to yourself. Thats the hardest pill to swallow... that the turmoil going through your life is a result of your own restlessness. I can't sit still at the best of times, so give me a long stretch of the 'same old' and get itchy feet.

I've been trying to understand why i spread myself so thin, because ultimately it ends with a fall from grace of some kind. Either i over-promise or i sell myself short.... or i end up confused and not knowing if i'm doing the right thing.

I'm still not really inside my own head, but its starting to ease off. I had a few positives come my way that really opened my eyes to my situation. I'm in control. As always, and my perception is half the feeling and half the battle. Seeing all of this chaos as something that needs to be done, to shake things up a little, challenge me, and define who i am.

I have to go through this, so that one day i can look back and smile. Just like i do now.

Someone very cool and who i miss chatting to told me "happy people are happy on purpose." Thanks J. I'm going to keep that in mind.


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