When passion fades... "constantly hit refresh"

You may have noticed that my articles have more or less ground to a halt.

No i'm not losing interest.... i promise that is not the case. Work is taking over my life to the extent that i've no soul left when i finally manage to pry my tired self away from my desk and go home. Yes go home... thats all i've been doing (if you can ignore my birthday weekend just gone that is) most of the time my life is spent staring blankly at my dinner while i cook and eat it. I don't even have inspiration to watch a movie. I feel empty and constantly tired. I have even started to hate my laptop and everything digital. I think i need a holiday....

And so what little energy i have tonight i'm going to focus on how you can turn around your life if you feel like i do right now.... dead inside.

Now this is not depression, although i think a few more months of this and i will be thinking of jumping off some very high buildings just for the rush.

I'm normally a positive person and i don't entertain stress or anxious emotions, but when you are drained of life like me right now... its hard to snap out of it. A never ending spiral of "numbness" emerges. The spark inside has gone and its not because i'm down or unhappy or upset. Its because i'm over-worked. There is a lot riding on my ability to pull this off. And i will of course. Nothing can stop me achieving my goals....

But, i need a break. And this is true for anything in life, like work, your living situation, your relationship, your social life, your art.... right?

As a result of needing a break from work, i've subsequently taken a break from everything else in life BUT work. I have no desire to shop, eat, play, date, write, plan.... I just want to sit and do nothing that requires too much effort or thought.

This got me thinking. Why when one aspect of our life takes over and tips the balance do we let it? and why do we sacrifice the things we love that give us energy and passion, for the one thing that takes it all away? I'm reminded of a story from my favourite author paulo coelho about a guy that only feels his life is worth something if he is important & busy. We all do it. We complain we have too much to do yet we pile on the work and demands with a certain pride. We like to be active. Feel needed. Yet how much of this is ego wanting to feel that the world has a place for us?

Usually i create & savour lots of 'me' time...

I have time to sort out my music to listen to on the way to work, to walk slowly enjoying the moment, to have time to look and absorb things i usually filter out.... then i truly wake up and have enough energy to ask ppl around me how they are. The simple act of being interested causes a brief connection and that makes both of us happy to be working together. We then have less to stress about and more to laugh about. Later i stop and take time for lunch and enjoy it with someone i love spending time with. And in the afternoon i allow 5 minutes each hour to email and ask someone how they are, arrange nights out and events, giving myself something to look forward to. And a 5.30pm i'm out the door rushing to meet friends, dance, have fun, flirt and actually live my life.

So on reflection? Do we always need a long holiday to break up life? or can this be achieved by enjoying quality 'me' time throughout the day?

I've never actually felt i needed to get away until now, but i think thats because my 'me' time has dried up and gone. And if i did go away on a long tropical holiday.... everything would be waiting when i got back and thats when the 'holiday blues' kicks in. Trips abroad should be the result of a fantastic lifestyle, not the remedy to a crappy boring one. By making 'life' more like a 'never-ending holiday' you engage in a lifestyle which never loses its value. It feels good and looks good and you tell ppl how good it is. This is attractive. Not just for the things you want, but for bringing into your world people who have the same attitude. Like attracts like and energy builds (physics) .... the city you live in becomes amazing (tourists do visit you know) ..... you meet an amazing bunch of people... get to do the coolest things.... and then write or tell vivid stories about it ;) and all in all the best thing? your life is what you made it. No one else...

And the dating/relationship advice in this post? (well there has to be some)

Well if you need a break i would say you and/or your partner are too focused on one, usually negative, aspect of your love life. Taking a break can be good, as usually the 'missing each other' period can build up attraction again. Going on holiday together can bring a breath of fresh air. But at the end of the day. The problems don't go away. Habits are hard to break and if you are in a rut, most possibly... you will be in a rut again. So what to do? Well change habits slowly but surely. A friend quoted Einstein to me the other day that "Insanity was doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results". So try not to be insane ;) Maybe look for small ways to appreciate each other. Take quality 'dating' time and plan things to look forward to. Communicate small meaningless messages over the course of the day. Do new things together that you;ve never done before. Meet/make new friends. Entertain others at your place. Be spontaneous. Inspire creativity. Put in the effort to make your relationship one long, long honey-moon period.

And realise, sometimes.... there is just no room left for 'what should be', 'what they didn't do', and 'what you need'. All you have is now.

Its a turn-off when... "the man wears the skirt in the relationship"

I think i belong to the population of girls that finds a guy with a talent a turn-on. Theres something about his dedication and time spent learning to hone that skill to perfection, a skill that serves no purpose other than it looks hot. It shows he has passion and heart & soul, and is motivated enough to get off his lazy ass and make something of himself.

The guitar is one of my favourites. But he has to be good. He has to be able to play more than a dozen tunes and not just repeat the same old song over and over again.It speaks to me in volumes if he has actually spent so much time 'getting good' that he has a certain 'spark' when it comes to self-respect. That self respect translates into confidence as a man. Someone i can admire, as anything i can't do automatically gets my respect.

This also seems true of things i can do. I mean if i can do it so can he. If not?... i rapidly lose interest.

I love a man who i can rely on to change a tyre for example. I can do this if i have to, but when faced with the possibility of aligning myself with a guy who struggles with these manly tasks... he's lost me. A friend of mine recently introduced her boyfriend. For sure he was four years younger than her but his lack of dominance or leadership made me cringe. He shied away from any responsibility all night and left me to make all the decisions. Now i don't mind being the alpha of the group - doing the tasks such as finding us a place to eat/drink, talking for the group in situations that called for it, paying for the group, looking after those who have drank too much or lost things... i have no problem being that girl. I do have a problem when a man prefers to let me be that girl because he doesn't have the balls himself. I'm not sure where these men come from but towards the end of the night, when she was fussing over him and hen-pecking him from afar.... i felt sorry for her.

A man should be a man and step up and play his role. I'm not saying women should always be the 'fairer' sex and have guys open doors or pay for dinner. I mean if any guy tries to tell me what to do i'm stubborn enough to do the opposite. But what i i'm saying is for a guy to be more attractive to a girl, he has to have that 'confidence' in himself to be dominant if the situation calls for it. I like a guy i can rely on to be my equal, and take the bull by the horns if i need him to. I don't want a puppy dog at my heels following me around a supermarket with a blank look on his face. Oi mister we need food. Thats why we're in here?

Maybe you think i'm expecting too much, or i'm asking for the impossible. I would have said that was true after one of my ex boyfriends used to call me when i was out with friends to come home and make him dinner because he didn't know how and was hungry! (yes its true!). For some reason i thought that all guys became four year old kids who need looking after when the relationship turns old. Now?

I believe that there are two reasons for a girl becoming a mother instead of a lover:

1) The guy is totally lacking in self-assurance and doesn't like to take on responsibility. It's obvious from the start as he'll be unable to make decisions and agrees to nearly everything you ask him to do and having a debate with him is frustrating as he seems to have no opinions. You feel control so you are in control. He has little talent for any of his many interests so no passion. He sits back an watches you do the hard-work (call the cab, order the drinks etc) or seeks your approval before he does them. Unless you like being a mother-hen, i suggest make it clear you won't be his.

2) The girl turns a perfectly capable guy into a baby who needs constant attention, approval and looking after. This is easily done when the girl takes it on herself to do all the things he should be doing because she wants to please him and make him happy and because its what she herself would want from him (we always treat others how we wish to be treated even if they don't). Or she becomes a nag, so much so that he stops out of frustration for never being 'good enough' or she is just too 'hard to please'.

In both situations the guy has lost his 'drive' or 'spark'. His energy is passive and laid-back. He isn't engaging or interested. And the biggest clue? his guitar, if he has one, is probably collecting dust....

Inside the mind of a guy.... "why getting the girl is the most fun part of dating"

Oh yes. Meet Jamie Bamber ladies.... *sigh*.  He is one of the reasons i watch Battlestar Galactica. As well as it being an addictive storyline ;) 

And back to the reality. So last night i was reading Ocean Dreamer's blog (fantastic and insightful read btw) and her post about 'love' in tv shows being like real-life got me thinking about the differences between men and women (@ 8am in the morning i might add when i should be getting ready for work! i have a problem. maybe i should seek help?). 

It strikes me that for most women the objective of dating - a committed relationship - is the most important aspect of all. It the thing they get out of bed for, style their hair, dress provocatively, and flirt like its going out of fashion with any guy that will show her attention. The guy, if he passes some kind of test with her, just dangles the carrot of of something akin to that 'destination' in the future and oops she's already his. 

But men don't want a get a freebie or a handout. Men are competitive. They love sports like racing and play computer games where they skill up. They like to fix things and get good at certain talents like playing guitar. They love to pursue. And while us women won't understand why, it doesn't mean this is type of 'game' doesn't get him excited and the most fun part of the relationship is' the journey to the destination'.  In other words, when tv show & movie couples get to together it's not until the very end that they do. The rest of the time its a whole 'will they? won't they?' hook that keeps you coming back for more. The guys that write these dramas know that once we get that happy ending, they'll be losing half their audience. And even if us girls are sitting their rooting for their favourite couple to 'get together already!' and live happily ever after... you can so be sure that a guy will think differently (i've never seen a guy in a tv show forum whining that such and such should be married already. think about it. its true.)

So the key to understanding how a man wants to win the girl? Not the easy way. It has to be hard. You have to be a challenge. He wants to know that he has 'earned' the right to call you his girlfriend. Turn the tables.... you keep the carrot dangling for once. But don't let him lose every time. Play nice. Let him win a few rounds and then once the feeling of victory is in his blood. Once the hunt is on. He'll be begging for more. And just when he thinks he's losing.... he'll fight even harder to win. And then once he has you, once he finally gets his trophy, he can brag about it to his boyfriends. But no guy will brag if the trophy was just given to him. Theres no challenge or struggle in that. I'm reminded of something i read once "the women is the jewel. the man provides the setting". Just remember to let him do all the hard work cutting the diamond, and crafting the metal first ;)

Funny thing is, once they guy is 'banging on your door with a bunch of roses'.... you may just not want him anymore. Attraction is a strange thing, and its true we always want what we can't have. Even us ladies...