My guide to 'dating' when you're nearly 30...

This is what every girl should aspire to have at 30...

ok so i know everything in a girls life is not about your walk-in, crammed to the hilt, designer wardrobe... but it comes close! For me, looking at all the things i have right now (such as doing a little happy dance in my imaginary walk-in, crammed to the hilt, designer wardrobe) reminds me that "i made it!" - I have independence (my own money), power (a great career), style (of course), social status (lots of good friends and places to take them to), romance (a lover or two if i want one) and i have all this without needing anyone.

Not to brag but i do, i love my life right now. And the best thing is that im not even close to being 'in love' - the way i feel right now can last forever, because its not reliant on anyone but me.... And you know how good that feels? It feels amazing! And even if i got pregnant and had to leave my job and lovely london and move back with my parents (god i hope not),then at least i did it and lived the life so many of my married friends are jealous of.

Still its not been a journey without tears. I've come out of losing love (quite a few times), i've come from a place where i've really hated my job, or had no money what so ever... and its hard to see out of your own mess, the one that is still a comfort to you because its what you know, even though you hate it.

But theres always a way through the mess... and first step is visualising the way you want your life to be and living as though you already have it (then of course going out and getting it!) Of course its harder than it looks. Of the things that used to hold me back, the main obstacle was a stupid 'fear' of losing what 'little' i had when taking the risk to look for something more. I also used to (and still do to an extent) not believe in myself. And above all wanted someone to fix everything for me (like my bf).

Its the society we live in that makes the last one 'a sure thing', believing everything will get better if we just find 'The One'.

What a load of crap.

Things get harder surely... because not only do you have to sort out your own problems, on top of all that you have to worry about someone else. Love is a double-edged sword... which don't get me wrong is so amazing when you find intense passion and attraction equally in someone else, but its also a delicate balance of emotions, time and energy. And you have to have a full bank of all these things just to get started, never mind keeping the fires burning.

Now im getting older (and wiser?) i agree with the men at least. When the time comes i will settle down (its inevitable) but right now i just can't see it. I love my freedom and want to enjoy it before the nappies and the late nights appear. And i'm only ever able to see a guy have potential enough to become part of my immediate future when i've started to trust him enough to open up my heart. Which happens rarely with me... in fact has happened only once in the last five years (and sadly he didnt deserve it).

So dating when you're no longer in your 20s... how does it work?

Dating as you get older has taught me men can be more hassle than they're worth, so they have to be worth it... 100% worth all that heartache and drama once dating becomes 'something more'.

Someone asked me once 'do you want me or do you just want a boyfriend'....

i didn't know the answer at the time because i wanted him to be my boyfriend - both seemed the same thing. Now time has passed and i don't see him that way anymore, i realise i definitely do not just want a boyfriend. The reason i persisted so much with him was because he was the person that i wanted to be with, despite his flaws... 'he had me at hello' you might say. But you're right in thinking that feeling doesn't come along very often. And in my experience its either there at the start (theres something about them you just can't put your finger on) or its not.

So if thats the case should you date? Well one should only date, for dating's sake, if you feel you don't know how to date, or never seem to meet anyone. Dating can open your eyes... shows you there are always guys out there (plenty) if you 'just want (or need) a boyfriend', and it helps you define your preferences. But dating has its limits, and after the initial 'thrill' of dating multiple potential suitors... you just, well, get bored. Especially if you're confident to know you can easily get a boyfriend if you want one, and you know what you want.

In fact.... *shock & horror* im not dating anymore (prob why i've stopped posting on this blog, as i have nothing new to say on the subject til now - mind on other things). I've got to a point where i can spot a great guy almost immediately, so dating for dating's sake has become an ex-hobby of mine. I just have better things to do.... and i don't want a guy trying to change me or demanding some (or all) of my time, or taking up my emotional energy just now (in otherwords a boyfriend without the 'you had me at hello' feeling). He'd just do my head in...

So on that note, let me say this to all the women out there approaching 30 who 'feel' they need or want a guy in their lives, or still thinking about dating for dating's sake:

1. Women come in to their sexual peak at 29-35.... we have soooo much more to look forward to (and if its just sex you're missing see pt.5!)

2. Women can have children on their own. Men have to find a decent girl if they want kids... in other words who cares about your ticking clock? Freeze your eggs or find a donor if you're that desperate

3. Dating guys you aren't attracted to costs time an effort. If you don't think his bald patch and needy midnight texts are cute now... you are probably never going to. And if you settle, you'll only leave him later.

4. If you do date guys you are attracted to, don't put all your eggs in one basket. When are you ever going to be free, gorgeous (and rich) enough to do this again?

5. Its ok to have one night stands with your exes. Afterall they don't count and you know it'll be good (should be if you're even thinking about going back there again)

6. Don't text back if you don't want to. Its not rude, its being economical. And heres a tip. if you respond, even to be polite, he thinks you're interested. And remember how you felt when a guy who wasnt just kept stringing you along...

7. Spend about 60-70% of your free time pampering yourself. You have the money now, so go book that spa day, buy those amazing clothes, get your hair done (eyebrows, nails, [insert high-maintenance body part here]), and go out and have fun (not trawl around looking for men, they only take your money anyway and you'll end up watching dvds on the sofa in your gym gear together most saturday nights when you finally find one)

8. Try not get drawn into discussions or whine about with your gfs 'how much you want a man' or 'how all men are bastards (they are not and most are great to flirt with when you're bored)'

9. Wherever you go make sure you look fabulous (you can afford to spend hours getting ready right?), when you are in the room you are in the room, don't let your mind wander, dont worry about looking stupid (older you are the more you get away with it) and that smile (afterall everyone wants to be you... married women want your freedom, younger girls want your experience, and girls who need men to buy them drinks wish they had a smidgen of your ambition so they could afford to buy their own).

10. And lastly a great friend of mine (who is italian so has a very different outlook on life) is always saying to me 'men are just details, why bother about them? nice to have but should be the last thing you think about no?'

Exactly.

p.s im not 30.... yet

Be Strong and they become weak - or getting over One-itis

In every girl there is a weakness and I'm sure in every guy there is one too...

... i'm talking about that 'one' person who at this moment holds the key to your leash. They are your achilles heel.

Symptoms? Well you think about them often, and things jump out and remind you of them. You find little ways (excuses) to communicate with them, see them, talk to them, get involved in their life. You stalk them on facebook & have an rss to their twitter feed. You notice every detail about what they like and don't like. You check your phone constantly and if that message isn't from them you get annoyed. In fact it feels like you carry rejection everywhere you go...

Sound familiar? In some circles they call this 'one-itis'. Its an addiction to how this 'one' person makes you feel... nothing more. When around you feel happy, confident, comfortable, attractive, secure, etc. A dangerous state to associate with a particular person, because when they leave or are not around, guess who feels the impact in equal but negative measure? Yes, you do.

So how to combat this almost debilitating situation?

Simply find your strength. When you become the 'stronger' opponent, you are instantly in control. And they are not. This leaves them a choice of either admitting defeat and walking away or accepting the 'weaker' position (in which they can develop a stronger attraction towards you) that you previously occupied. And of course i'll explain how:

Create a little distance
In any addiction you need to wean yourself off the source. The hardest but most rewarding thing to do is create a little space between you. I call it back-leading. Don't see it as retreating, see it as soldier would see a military perfidy tactic - falsify surrender and lose a little interest in the action for a while. I don't mean give the silent treatment or become cold and aloof.... I mean get out of town for a while or find ways to become busy enough you don't have time. You could even change the dynamics of the relationship to less one level of commitment for a brief period than the status quo (e.g. from living together to living apart, from seeing each other every other day to once/twice a week, from drinking as mates every friday to missing a few in a row) This has the effect of giving you some perspective on the matter and allowing them to 'breathe' and hopefully 'miss' you. This works better if on the surface at least, the reason for down-grading is not at all to do with them.

Do the "unexpected"
If you are predictable, you can be controlled. Maybe they know you well enough to know how you will act or maybe they don't... but the fact of the matter is anyone can be predictable if the situation is such. I know if a guy is 'into' me and i text him, he will text back straight away. I know its such a chore to play games, so i'm not saying you have to sit and wait a few hours before you text back as that is predictable too if you 'always' make them wait (which has happened to me and i actually stopped bothering to text because i didn't want to wait for his reply) I'm actually saying get a life where you don't have time to sit glued to your phone. If its in your pocket and you get a text then cool reply straight away. If you're in the supermarket buying drinks for your house party and u have an hour to get ready don't waste time trying to text back, at least wait until you get home and you have a free hand. This way your response is unpredictable because your life is. It could be immediate or it could be delayed... but always you can and will as soon as you are able.

Stick to your guns
Its one thing to decide what your boundaries are but its another to act on them and not make allowances. And you may just do that if this person is on a pedestal. Treat them the same as anyone else and they will respect you all the more. Letting them get away with treating you badly will only make them less attracted to you. They may also feel obliged to see just how far they can push you. Like pets and children, don't let them walk all over you. Be firm and resolute, but nice enough with it that you aren't a spoil sport for any fun and games. Make it part of the game (again like with pets and children) so there is an edge enough that they might just get their way. We all like the taste of possible victory... it makes life more interesting. One way i have to measure my 're-actions' or their behaviour for acceptability is to consider if i would allow a proper friend to do that to me or would i treat a friend that way. If the answer is yes then its usually safe to go with it.

Don't try with willpower alone
In nutrition terms i would never advise a smoker or sugar/caffeine/alcohol abuser to give up their habit with willpower alone. I plan them a course involving tons of supplements and substances that will give the body what it needs naturally, and offer support and help to the addict overcome their cravings. Willpower alone never works. And how does this relate to 'one-itis'? Well lets take for example drunk texting/calling. Its a bad, bad habit. And worse when its directed at the one you really, really like. One or twice in a month is flattering, but all the time and up to 15 times a night is irksome. Another example is facebook stalking. Do you really need to look at their profile again and again just to upset yourself when you see a picture of them with someone who is not you? No you don't. Deal with issues like this in ways that make sense. 1) avoid temptation by turning your phone off or hiding their news feeds. 2) seek help and support from a friend who can remove you phone from your possession. 3) have an alternative you can call or fb stalk like a f*ckbuddy or a best mate. 4) realise if you do slip up that they should be very flattered you even bothered as you don't give that much attention to anyone else ;)

Create abundance
Of course the best medicine for one-itis is to go cold turkey on them and consume other 'less' desirables. In otherwords, widen the net and seek other pleasures.... either by dating others or by filling your life with so many distractions you 'forget' about your addiction. You soon realise there is more to life that this one person and that the same feelings you found in them can be created elsewhere. The more you spread your attention, the less you depend on just one source for satisfying the insecurities of your ego (though i'll always advice that you try subdue the cravings of the ego instead of feed it, but thats quite a task and another article). This will breakdown some or maybe all of the addiction until you're in control again.

Alright, i hope this helps anyone who's even done the crazy things i've done and felt like so foolish over (yes i've called a guy 15 times in one night when i was drunk!). Even if it was a long, long time ago i'll never be able to repair my behaviour with them. First impressions count and also long standing crazy ones.... so keep the crazy between you and your diary/best friend and show them only your good side for at least 80% of the time (statistically the lowest percentage of 'good feelings' time needed to cement a long lasting attraction), and go have fun ;)