How to change your mindset, be more positive and be in control

In other words, how do you create a reality you want to be in... cos its so easy to find yourself 'trapped' in an environment you don't want. You drag your tired feet and weary head through each day, looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. You moan to yourself, friends and family of how bad your present situation is. You expect the world around you has to change before you can smile again and be positive...

well wrong.

Why? because simply how you feel right now is 70% how you perceive the situation, 20% how much you accept things you cannot change, and 10% what you're doing to change it. What does that tell me? That 90% of happiness is all in your mind.

I want to share with a plan im working on to help you move towards a more positive place.

Most of my close friends know im a big romantic... heartbreak can devastate me for a short while, which it did recently, when I realized i misplaced my trust and heart with someone undeserving.

All it takes is a big fall and the rest just have to exist to keep me there, work stress can knock me for six, family issues can bring me down... etc

But i'm also a fighter, and just as much as i fall, i know i can climb right back up. All i need are the right people around me, the right tools and my own determination.

I'm a great believer in we choose our happiness. Someone once told me happy people are happy on purpose. I study positive psychology in my spare time (im hoping to do a masters) and in fact your mindset/perception is the most important thing to change first in order to change anything in your life. And being able to be positive has such an impact when your trying to deal with lifes issues.

So i worked very hard these last few months to break the habit im so bad at having.... worrying and not doing. pulled out all my inspiring books and papers and put together my 3 month plan. This post is all about the first month which is changing mindset:

Month One - To change mindset and get into 'good' habits
(You will need a small notebook and carry with you everyday)

Good habit #1 - Appreciation & Self (2 mins)
First step to being content is knowing what you do have. Just having a positive attitude makes others attracted to you and can help you connect with others.
Daily - Write down at least one answer for each and believe in them

1) what im i grateful for today & why. what good things happened (try to see silver lining in everything)
2) what makes you amazing today. sell yourself to yourself (don't laugh at this one)
2) reminder - what im i aiming for this week/month (your one major goal) and why do u deserve it.

Good habit #2 - Own Motivation & Satisfaction (2 mins + task time)
Its good to see progress even on a simple level like a personal to-do list
Sun/Mon - Write down 3 action a week things that are for yourself only, which will make a difference in your life and make u feel good having done them.
These can be things that take you towards your goal or just help you along in life. They should be non-work related.
Now do them through out the week and tick off as you go along.

Good habit #3 - Realise you are in control (15 mins)
Just by knowing what you want you are in control of your life.
At beginning of week - write down 1 thing you want to happen in all areas of your life (work, career, love, family, money, health, social, home)
At end of week - tick off the things this week and in past weeks that you have gained or have happened

Good habit #4 - Be in the moment (1 hour)
The mind can take over your body if you don't keep in check,
Take one hour at least for yourself once week to do something relaxing (go to the gym, go for a walk, cook etc). This can also be broken down into 15 mins a day (meditate or take a bath)
The most important thing is not to think about anything except what you are doing. Let your mind rest (no worries or thinking negatively as this gets you into bad habits)

It seems like a lot to do but in fact it will take only a small part of your time up everyday, and once you get into the habit it will be second nature.

These are the foundation blocks that we can build on for later so its important to make them a habit... months 2 and 3 focused more on the doing and gaining side of things

How i know things worked: well i got everything i asked for an i feel so much more positive and in control. I was in this place 3 years ago (doing much the same thing) and it feels so good to be back on top.

i wrote this here because i wish and hope everyone who reads this can find the inspiration to reach the same place if not better than so they have an amazing xmas! i know everyone is different and somethings work better for others, but i do hope it works for u like it did me... thats if you wish to try.

Lx

The key to happiness...

... is right where you are standing.

I was told that once by a close friend of mine when i called him to have my daily rant about all the wrongs in my life and how if i just moved to another country it would all be so much better!

And as always he was right. We all go through dark periods, or times when we feel hurt, or others disappoint us so much we react badly. And its perfectly natural to blame someone else or even to blame yourself. But the key to really moving on from every set back, being happy, confident and successful, is to forgive, understand and accept... in that order.

And anyone can do this any time, anywhere, whatever the situation. And here are some exercises that can help:

1) The art of appreciation: I love writing lists. Many people think its a complete waste of time writing things down because you can keep the list in your head... wrong. The action of writing words actually sets off a chain of recognition in your brain, almost at sub-conscious level, to bring your attention the points on your list more often than not. In other words, you write it - you notice it. So with that in mind (no pun intended!) the best way to appreciate what you already have is to write a huge, detailed list once a week of everything you have to be thankful for. Break down each category (career, love, family, social etc) into a multitude of great things you have right now to enjoy, and then further flesh these out to say why you enjoy them.

2) Pivoting your pov: anything and everything that happens in your life, whether you caused it or someone else did to you can be pivoted. Its a great technique for seeing the silver lining in everything or realising that 'everything is a good thing'. Imagine that how you feel about a situation is like a coin. There are two sides- one bad and one good. Its easy and logical that the bad side makes you feel... well crap and the the good side makes you feel wonderful, so if you know that to be a fact, and you can control which side of the coin you experience just by flipping it. Choose to believe or focus on only the positive thoughts or outcomes of the situation. Tell yourself why its the best thing since sliced bread. How does it benefit you? Realise its never going to be worse that this, and truly you've lost only what you allow. Each situation teaches you something... at least you won't have to learn it again next time round. If nothing be happy for your clarity.

3) Be good company: I can't stand to be around myself when im moping. I'm actually quite boring and tiring to even myself, let alone other people. Knowing what you're worth is a perfect place to start so write a page on your good qualities and why you're an amazing person, or soon to be... then dump the saddo you've become in favour of the new you. Refuse to grieve/mope/moan any longer as you deserve some better company than that! and whatever brings you down will never be enough to waste your life over. Focus on knowledge that when you're positive, confident, appreciative, like who you are and can forgive the actions you've taken to get to this point, others will also like you and forgive you too. Anything that is dynamic and moving and inspiring is attractive, and 'like attracts like'... so if you want inspiring, happy, great friends/people around, the change starts with you.

4) Set personal goals: Having something to aim for is fundamental to your mental health. You can set daily, weekly, yearly or even lifetime goals to inspire you to act. They can range from stupid things like '7 dates in 7 days' to real skills like 'learn spanish' (the former i've actually been committed to do next month!). Better to get a group of friends and set goals together that each achieve something for one person. So say your friend is wanting to lose weight... together you can set a goal to join the local pole dancing class and aim to be able to hold your own weight off the ground by christmas. You'll have fun thinking up strange and wonderful goals and seeing them pan out over time (and if you're interested i have an online group starting next month so email me if you want to join!).

5) See the bigger picture: my housemate has converted me to being able to watch horror. Now if you know me you would understand Lisa does not watch/enjoy/like anything scary in the movie world. However i am now able to watch 'Supernatural' without hiding behind a pillow or screaming and having nightmares every night. How? Well its only because i KNOW the two heroes in the series (who are very hot i might add) are still alive in series 3/4 and we are only watching series 1. So the bigger picture tells me all will be ok, well and most importantly the main characters don't die (especially Dean, with the long-lashed, blue eyes and 2 day old stubble smile i can't get enough of). How does this apply to life? Well if each setback or shit-hits-the-fan drama in your life is the creepy ghost per episode, it only stands to reason that as the main character you will survive and live for another series. Losing your job, lover or loved one is not the end of the world like it may seem at the peak of emotion. As always this too shall pass....

Right time to sign off get back to my own show.

But heres a little Jensen Ackles (aka Dean from Supernatural) to keep you toasty until next time....





Luv ya

Lx

My guide to 'dating' when you're nearly 30...

This is what every girl should aspire to have at 30...

ok so i know everything in a girls life is not about your walk-in, crammed to the hilt, designer wardrobe... but it comes close! For me, looking at all the things i have right now (such as doing a little happy dance in my imaginary walk-in, crammed to the hilt, designer wardrobe) reminds me that "i made it!" - I have independence (my own money), power (a great career), style (of course), social status (lots of good friends and places to take them to), romance (a lover or two if i want one) and i have all this without needing anyone.

Not to brag but i do, i love my life right now. And the best thing is that im not even close to being 'in love' - the way i feel right now can last forever, because its not reliant on anyone but me.... And you know how good that feels? It feels amazing! And even if i got pregnant and had to leave my job and lovely london and move back with my parents (god i hope not),then at least i did it and lived the life so many of my married friends are jealous of.

Still its not been a journey without tears. I've come out of losing love (quite a few times), i've come from a place where i've really hated my job, or had no money what so ever... and its hard to see out of your own mess, the one that is still a comfort to you because its what you know, even though you hate it.

But theres always a way through the mess... and first step is visualising the way you want your life to be and living as though you already have it (then of course going out and getting it!) Of course its harder than it looks. Of the things that used to hold me back, the main obstacle was a stupid 'fear' of losing what 'little' i had when taking the risk to look for something more. I also used to (and still do to an extent) not believe in myself. And above all wanted someone to fix everything for me (like my bf).

Its the society we live in that makes the last one 'a sure thing', believing everything will get better if we just find 'The One'.

What a load of crap.

Things get harder surely... because not only do you have to sort out your own problems, on top of all that you have to worry about someone else. Love is a double-edged sword... which don't get me wrong is so amazing when you find intense passion and attraction equally in someone else, but its also a delicate balance of emotions, time and energy. And you have to have a full bank of all these things just to get started, never mind keeping the fires burning.

Now im getting older (and wiser?) i agree with the men at least. When the time comes i will settle down (its inevitable) but right now i just can't see it. I love my freedom and want to enjoy it before the nappies and the late nights appear. And i'm only ever able to see a guy have potential enough to become part of my immediate future when i've started to trust him enough to open up my heart. Which happens rarely with me... in fact has happened only once in the last five years (and sadly he didnt deserve it).

So dating when you're no longer in your 20s... how does it work?

Dating as you get older has taught me men can be more hassle than they're worth, so they have to be worth it... 100% worth all that heartache and drama once dating becomes 'something more'.

Someone asked me once 'do you want me or do you just want a boyfriend'....

i didn't know the answer at the time because i wanted him to be my boyfriend - both seemed the same thing. Now time has passed and i don't see him that way anymore, i realise i definitely do not just want a boyfriend. The reason i persisted so much with him was because he was the person that i wanted to be with, despite his flaws... 'he had me at hello' you might say. But you're right in thinking that feeling doesn't come along very often. And in my experience its either there at the start (theres something about them you just can't put your finger on) or its not.

So if thats the case should you date? Well one should only date, for dating's sake, if you feel you don't know how to date, or never seem to meet anyone. Dating can open your eyes... shows you there are always guys out there (plenty) if you 'just want (or need) a boyfriend', and it helps you define your preferences. But dating has its limits, and after the initial 'thrill' of dating multiple potential suitors... you just, well, get bored. Especially if you're confident to know you can easily get a boyfriend if you want one, and you know what you want.

In fact.... *shock & horror* im not dating anymore (prob why i've stopped posting on this blog, as i have nothing new to say on the subject til now - mind on other things). I've got to a point where i can spot a great guy almost immediately, so dating for dating's sake has become an ex-hobby of mine. I just have better things to do.... and i don't want a guy trying to change me or demanding some (or all) of my time, or taking up my emotional energy just now (in otherwords a boyfriend without the 'you had me at hello' feeling). He'd just do my head in...

So on that note, let me say this to all the women out there approaching 30 who 'feel' they need or want a guy in their lives, or still thinking about dating for dating's sake:

1. Women come in to their sexual peak at 29-35.... we have soooo much more to look forward to (and if its just sex you're missing see pt.5!)

2. Women can have children on their own. Men have to find a decent girl if they want kids... in other words who cares about your ticking clock? Freeze your eggs or find a donor if you're that desperate

3. Dating guys you aren't attracted to costs time an effort. If you don't think his bald patch and needy midnight texts are cute now... you are probably never going to. And if you settle, you'll only leave him later.

4. If you do date guys you are attracted to, don't put all your eggs in one basket. When are you ever going to be free, gorgeous (and rich) enough to do this again?

5. Its ok to have one night stands with your exes. Afterall they don't count and you know it'll be good (should be if you're even thinking about going back there again)

6. Don't text back if you don't want to. Its not rude, its being economical. And heres a tip. if you respond, even to be polite, he thinks you're interested. And remember how you felt when a guy who wasnt just kept stringing you along...

7. Spend about 60-70% of your free time pampering yourself. You have the money now, so go book that spa day, buy those amazing clothes, get your hair done (eyebrows, nails, [insert high-maintenance body part here]), and go out and have fun (not trawl around looking for men, they only take your money anyway and you'll end up watching dvds on the sofa in your gym gear together most saturday nights when you finally find one)

8. Try not get drawn into discussions or whine about with your gfs 'how much you want a man' or 'how all men are bastards (they are not and most are great to flirt with when you're bored)'

9. Wherever you go make sure you look fabulous (you can afford to spend hours getting ready right?), when you are in the room you are in the room, don't let your mind wander, dont worry about looking stupid (older you are the more you get away with it) and that smile (afterall everyone wants to be you... married women want your freedom, younger girls want your experience, and girls who need men to buy them drinks wish they had a smidgen of your ambition so they could afford to buy their own).

10. And lastly a great friend of mine (who is italian so has a very different outlook on life) is always saying to me 'men are just details, why bother about them? nice to have but should be the last thing you think about no?'

Exactly.

p.s im not 30.... yet

Focus on you ... for a change

A friend of mine was telling me a story about her weekend. In that story were many crazy moments but scattered between the memories were words used to justify her 'selfless' actions... words like 'i couldn't let him do that for me', 'i'm not worthy of such attention', 'he didn't really want to, i don't think'...

Another friend explained her lack of communication with her boyfriend with words like 'he'll think i'm needy', 'i don't want to bother him, 'he doesn't want me there'....

And i have been guilty of similar 'selfless' thoughts such as 'i want to make her feel comfortable/happy', 'i want this person to like me', 'i should give/spend more time'...

In retrospect, this is selfishness coming through the backdoor.

I read once that 'tending only your own garden' is the most selfless act you can choose to do. Meaning?... well look after yourself and your desires first. It may sound like a contradiction. To be self absorbed is not what I was taught at school. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense. But the more i study philosophy, psychology, science, spirituality and even art...

...the more i understand the concept of truly being selfless - its minding your own business.

To connect with everything you have to start with yourself first. Call it 'self-love' or call it 'inner-game'... doesn't matter what the hell you call it. The results are the same. Everyone gains. And I'll explain how.

*Only you know what you want*
You will never know what anyone else is thinking or feeling, so how can you know what they really want? Don't waste your time. Trying will cost energy and generate useless negative emotion, especially if you get it wrong. Its also a really selfish thing to do, putting thoughts and words to other people's lips. It's truly arrogant thinking you know them better than themselves and then change your behaviour without consulting them first. Take at face value what others say out loud - that they mean what they say - it helps those around you to strengthen their boundaries if they don't, and be honest with themselves and you. Your friends will understand nothing if you anticipate their needs with your own good intentions. And neither will you.

*Inspiration is a great teacher*
Focus on yourself and who you want to be. I can guarantee it will inspire others to evolve as you do. The challenge you set your friends will be to climb the same mountains, or maybe find a different path. Whatever the outcome, its the only way to progress. Constantly turning back to observe others on their ability to climb will only hinder you both. Assist if you can, but not at your expense.

*You are better equipped to help*
I was told that you should only write about what you know, because being there is only way to understand the true perspective of any experience. And if you help yourself climb that mountain first... then you'll know exactly where the pitfalls and potential dangers lie. Only by helping yourself can you then begin to help others, and most importantly relate.

*If you are happy, others are too*
Focusing on you and what makes you happy has a strange way of becoming infectious to those around you. They become happy by default (If they care, and i'm assuming you only want people around you that care). Your life - career, family, friends, home, interests, studies, projects, teachings, travels... the things that give more definition to just an 'existence' - is what makes you 'you'. It is the reason why the people around you love you and find you 'attractive'. Continue to dazzle them if you can. I know it will brighten up their day.

So if you want my advice, based on what i've been through myself, then do everyone a favour - go focus on you ... for a change ;)

"The Way We Were..." and how to get it back (your 5 a day to relationship health)

One thing that strikes me about the relationships people confide in me about is their tendency to fade from that passionate "can't keep our hands off each other" stage to a lesser "yeah its ok i suppose" mundane sort of existence. And what makes me further curious is the fact that there are two groups of thought:

The Realists believe is that is normal. There is no permanent happy ever after. The honeymoon period always ends at some point in the relationship and after that its simply time to work at staying together. They accept their lot in life through 'fear' or 'laziness' and don't try for anything more.

The Idealists believe that this means the relationship is over as 'love' should be easy not hard so this person is obviously not the 'One' for them. They seek perfection.... either in a 'romantic-i must find my soulmate' sense or a 'practical-i can do better' kinda way.

Like i say i'm curious about the people behind these views but i'm not one of them. I'm not sure of the label i would have but if i had to call myself anything i would say i'm a 'Creator'. I won't tolerate the mundane and i won't seek happiness elsewhere. Someone once told me that 'happiness' is already right where you standing. Not in another country, career or person. If you have to go looking, then you will never find it or have it for long.

Anyway digress ;) So what does a 'Creator' do?

Well i believe we focus on maintaining the passion, excitement and all that 'feel-good' emotion. We keep the relationship alive so that neither of us want to leave it. In other words.... maintaining the attraction.

And how is this done? Well attraction is a very complex yet simple concept. I could either write pages and pages in detail on what attracts men to women and what attracts women to men. I could breakdown physical, emotional and mental ways to create and build up attraction, but to be honest it only really boils down to 5 things once you are in a relationship. (Meeting or Dating? Well thats a different story!)

So those 5 things?

The 'Feel-Good' Factor:
It stands to reason that both men and women want to feel good about their lives. And feeling great about love is a big part of that. Many couples start to feel bad about the relationship when one or both is not longer fun to be around. Any negative emotion (anger, sadness, neediness etc) directed towards the relationship can cause these bad vibes and if its more that say 20% of your time spent with each other.... then you're messing with the foundations of your future happiness together. If one of you is constantly freaking out or angry about something the other is doing or saying then they have turned into a person that is not inducing 'happy' emotions in their partner.

If someone doesn't feel good around you (say if you are one causing the bad vibes) then its more difficult for your sweetie to want to invest more time and energy into you and the relationship. The easy road is often the road out of the firing line. And then you're one your own.

In the most basic sense.... whatever emotion you feel, your lover will feel too by way of your actions when you are close to them. Remember feelings are guided by thoughts and you can control what you think. Ditch the negative re-occurring insecure rant and adopt a relationship pep-talk instead. Focus on the good and the rest will follow ;)

Emotional Maturity & Understanding:
The way you act with each other from day one when 'bumps' in the road appear is more important than the actual 'bump' itself. So for example how you act when your partner makes a mistake or does something that upsets you and doesn't realise (triggering your insecurities by jealousy, lateness, distance etc). If your girl/guy genuinely cares they won't be doing anything maliciously to upset you. It will be without realising. Emotional experience should bring about an open and understanding response.... not an over emotional or negative one. The person who has messed up will feel bad enough and putting them in a situation where they can't 'make it right' or 'give reassurance' will only trap them into thinking "I can't make this person happy" and/or "If this is what they are like now, how will things get any better in the future the longer we are together?". After a short period they will feel like they have to walk on eggshells just to keep the peace (and trust me they will do anything to keep it, even leave).

Make changes in your 're-actions' and break negative patterns by putting yourself in their shoes and arguing their point of view in your head for 5 minutes. Don't compare their behaviour with others or your own (men are just as different from other men as men are from women and vice versa). Each person will have personal baggage and reasons for who they are and how they behave. As long as they can understand the depth of your hurt just once it is unlikely they will fail to try to avoid the error in the future, especially if they care. And if you're the reason for all the drama... don't do what doesn't work (defend yourself & your actions repeatedly). Understand why they are upset and make it up to your lover in a way they can forgive.

Connection & Attraction:
One thing couples, especially women, do too much of is talking. Having a serious 'talk' with your babe will not inspire feeling of connection or attraction if it comes to more than 2% of your relationship time together. Keep it short, sweet and direct to the point and follow it up with 'fun' after (never go to bed on an argument, unless bed doesn't include sleeping...).

The rest of the time KISS. And i mean keep it simple ;) I say always try treat your girl/guy like its your first few dates. So flirt, kiss, laugh and tease, touch their arm, hold hands and talk about light-hearted rubbish that means nothing. Keep your expectations of what they can/will do for you at early stages of dating level and you will never be disappointed (i'm not saying they won't do more, but your attitude to what they do for you should be to never expect too much. With pressure off, acts of service towards you will be a pleasure not a pain). The more you act like the first stages/flush of love... the more it will be, and any issue or problems that arise will be easier to tackle and it will be more worthwhile solving them between u both.

Actions speak louder than words. So 'do' stuff together that creates a bond between you and shared memories and experiences. Again this links in with the feel-good factor i mentioned earlier. People who feel good when together are likely to develop strong emotional attractions for each other. Emotional attraction is not dependant on physical, intellectual or social attractions. All of these are powerful when meeting and dating, but the latter three are short-lived in actual relationships and can only be re-kindled/maintained (not usually created otherwise we'd all start fancying our friends!) long-term with a strong emotional attraction.

'Icing' on the cake. Not the 'main' ingredient:
Every couple should be better and happier together. That goes without saying. Cake tastes sweeter with icing than without. However cake by itself is just dandy and satisfying. In fact you can live quite happily without any icing your whole life. You aren't bothered if you don't have it and can quite easily get some if you fancy it. A guy or girl in your life should be exactly like that - an additional (quite exciting/sexy) character to a fantastic, fun-filled adventure story that is your life. People want others around to bring something better, not to fill a void or complete someone else. This neediness shows when the girl/guy is less likely to hang out with friends, develop or maintain interests outside the relationship and is controlled by their partner through fear of losing them. When a girl or guy doesn't have much going on in their life besides the relationship its like an unconscious signal to the their partner that they are 'needed' rather than 'desired'. And that too much focus is on the relationship as their source of happiness. Once again there is a pressure (not pleasure) to perform. And no one wants or can cope with that kind of responsibility.

So make sure your life is complete and you have interests outside your love-life. I know its a well known fact but its because its true. One way of looking at it is "if my lover left me today... what do i have?". If all you have is your job and your family then its time to make some positive additions to your life that removes your dependency your partner for their time and attention. Go make them miss you.

No one needs to be rescued:
Nobody likes to be nagged or asked to change. Your partner should love you for who you are, not try and 'fix' you. And vice versa. People will change when they want to for their own reasons and nothing else. If they do it will be short-lived and without much effort. Also people are selfish and will do things for themselves first and foremost. Nothing motivates change like your own misery or happiness (punishment or reward). It then stands to reason that if a guy or girl has behaviour you don't like its easier to manage if they are benefiting from changing their ways not just to make you happy. Couples stay in relationships because their flaws are handled in a way that is indirect rather than head on.

Take time to praise or indicate in passing or better still reward good behavior. Point out what actions you liked or didn't care for in 'other' relationships. Call out their bad behaviour immediately and why it makes you feel bad. Do it once, allow them to make it up to you, then let it go. The more you go on about something they did (or didn't do) the less it makes an impact. If you can't forgive yet and you still feel angry or upset then take yourself away without being 'cold' or giving the silent treatment. The key is to no longer be actively interested... only passively interested. Your lack of activity in the relationship will make more of an impact than any negative emotion you can throw at them. And they will be less likely to associate you with feeling bad (cos you're not there). And if you're the one being asked to change but your lover is going about it the wrong way, call it out as you would any other bad behaviour. You need to know how far you can push against their boundaries if you are to have any respect for them in the future.

Ok so thats the big 5 a day. Go and indulge ;)

As usual i'm free to chat on msn or by email about relationship stuff so don't be shy. I get quite a few emails a week and girls (mostly) call me or ping on msn so if i can't get back to you right away that why. I do answer everyone though so please be patient!

Until next time... xoxo

How to forget a guy in seven days....

A very dear friend of mine called yesterday (well actually she pinged me on BB messenger) but the result was the same. The guy she once said those three little words to and meant it, was no longer wanting to hear them. They were breaking up, and it broke my heart to hear the pain she felt in losing him. It was not in her nature to be tenacious, yet here she was looking for every reason to pursue him still.

I think one thing women need to work on is not being a victim when it comes to the end of road. As the 'fairer' sex i know we love to play the damsel. We are conditioned to let the guy make choices for us and then weep inconsolably at the outcome. But that doesn't mean we have to be the one drawing the short straw. Oh no..... accepting it is almost half of the battle. Its gaining his respect in one hand, keeping your dignity intact, and its a step in the direction of getting over the loss.

We have all been there. The darkest hour? You know the one. When you're just packing away the groceries and a piece of paper falls to the floor, which turns out to be an old love letter from 'him'. Suddenly the panic and pain hits you in the chest, and the tears you buried surface bringing with them all the heart-wrenching emotions, blazing full colour right there in your kitchen next to the fridge. It totally sucks. He's gone and you feel like you will never, never get through it alone... not without him.

Maybe you're going through this right now? But i can tell you... there is a choice. Even if the 'break-up' is not what you wanted, there is a way to get through it that doesn't have to entertain such drama. As i've experienced my share of heartache, i've realised a few things.... drama begets drama, and usually the thing that hurts most of all is your ego, and fear of loss. If you'll listen here are a few thoughts that have carried me through to see the light at the end of the tunnel. And you can do it, however long you were with him, and however close u were together. The only thing holding you back is limit of the perception you have of yourself and your self worth.

Day 1. You broke up. Maybe he ended things with you or maybe it was mutual but you feel like it was less your choice than his. You'll probably be feeling the ache of loss right now inside. That loss is just a hole where he used to make u feel 'loved' and 'accepted'. Remember that is the ego demanding that you fill that void either by chasing him or by crying, feeling sorry for yourself and generally just moping. Do yourself a favour and realise that this loss just means you have lost your connection to yourself, the person that matters most. How to reconnect with you? Treat yourself like you want the world to treat you... you matter most. Cook yourself an amazing meal, dress up and do your make up, go out with a good book and sit in the sun or in a bar with a glass of wine. Date yourself. Leave room for no one else. You deserve it.

Day 2. You spent the whole night awake and in tears. You don't want to do anything but stay in bed, cry and hug your pillow... well don't, you are not a victim anymore, so don't act like one. The things he has done to hurt you (and breaking up with you is hurting you) can't be repeated now that he is not allowed to be close to you. He is no longer allowed to make you feel as small as you felt when he left you. He lost that right so don't keep giving it to him. The only way to be the victim is if you let your mind decide you are one. And don't pay any attention to the mind and the shallow thoughts it has about how 'weak' you are. You wouldn't let a friend tell you such things, so don't allow you.

Day 3. You woke up and he wasn't there and body ached to feel him next to you. The body is the most treacherous of all. It wants physical contact and your memory of what it was like is causing you real pain because you know its will never be with him again. Ok cut the crap. Firstly if you've been crying all night you will now look terrible and thats no way to abuse yourself for the sake of a guy. And secondly, how do you know you will not feel an embrace that good with someone else. It happened before it will happen again. Take a deep breath, get up and put on some loud, summer tunes that make you feel like dancing and be bold. If you do happen to recall memories of you together picture them small and at a distance, devoid of colour and grainy.... like an old movie. Put on some sexy underwear and blow kisses at yourself. Imagine that some new guy is going to get very lucky one day because u are now free to flaunt it elsewhere after being taken for granted for so long.

Day 4. Burn it or get rid of. I'm not talking material things here. I'm talking about your emotions that lend a sad tear of regret to the relationship. The worst thing that holds people back is thinking that they could have avoided this outcome or that they still can avoid it. I've got news for you.... its happened and by treating it like whats done is done is the only way to get through it faster and smarter AND with his respect. Don't ask him for answers to ask him to consider a second chance. Where you are now will teach you how to avoid mistakes in the future, but with someone else. Because you can only apply these lessons at the time to reap the benefits, not now and not later. Write out a list of things that you won't accept from any guy full stop, and see where he failed you. Take note that he did fail you and how you let him. Promise yourself that you won't let anyone else treat you as badly... and that if he wants a second chance he would have to earn your trust. He is the one being rejected.

Day 5. No contact... for a while. You don't have to cut him out of your life forever. Just for now will do while you sort out yourself and your life. If he is worth it you guys will be friends again. Don't worry too much that you will never see him or speak to him again. Thats being a tad over the top. It may feel like you can never be friends but you don't know the future and feelings fade. If you're finding that you need to call him then just remember that contacting him for anything other than 'polite conversation' makes you look weak and sets you back to day one every single time. No emotional stuff ok? It drains both you and him. He will find reasons to avoid you to keep from 'hurting' you (yes men are idiots). Just keep it light, short and sweet. You want to be his 'cool' ex... not his freaky, stalker, still hung up on him bunny boiler ex.

Day 6. Either have options or none at all. Us girls aren't like men and sometimes we need to close ourselves off to other guys. While this is ok for a while, realise that men operate on the 'options' side of things and so he'll have a head start in the 'seeing someone else' game. If you're ok with that then by all means become a nun and become best friends with your rabbit. However dating can be good for the soul. Just dinner and drinks and mild flirting make the ego happy. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that the first guy you meet is the standard you're stuck with for the rest if your life and this is what has become of you. Imagine you've just be given your first unlimited store card and you're trying it out whatever seems to take your fancy. Just have fun. Later you'll get more discerning at what you want and you'll know in as little as a few minutes if a guy is worth dating, and if he's worth your time/effort or not.

Day 7. Think of where you want to go in your life. Write a list of all the things you want to have, or things that you want to do. Then go and live/get that list. Do something nice for yourself to look forward to or get involved in something satisfying and worthwhile that doesn't involve a guy. Going away is always good or even better start studying (think julia roberts in pretty woman) or even throw yourself into a business or get creative. Notice i didn't say work? You need to add more round edges to yourself to fill the void in your ego and build confidence in yourself and spend more time with you, not work yourself into the ground! Many girls say that they don't know what to do now. Well use this opportunity to do something you could never have done when you with that guy or with anyone. Go out and just have fun with life. You never know where it will take you and who you will meet ;)

So there we have it. I'm not saying it will only take seven days but i see no reason why it shouldn't. Time is just a concept created in our minds. A minute can feel like a day, and a week can fly by in the blink of an eye.

This post is dedicated to my best and closest friend ,who i can't be there for this week, but i am thinking of her lots! xoxo

My rampage of appreciation...

I've always said that 'emotions' are just indications of the thoughts you are having, and to change the way you feel, you have to change what you think. If you want to feel good, you have have good, positive thoughts.... and the feelings and behaviour will follow.

It can be harder than it sounds but once you get in the habit it becomes easier to do. One exercise i do every morning on my way to work involves 'appreciation'. being happy with the good things in your life ensures a number of things:

- Your conscious becomes aware of how great you are and how amazing your life is
- Your overall outlook, mood and behaviour is attractive and positive
- You draw attention to the things that make you happy, therefore seeing & attracting more of it

lately through work i've let things slide, so as an exercise i decided to 'appreciate my life' in a blog post... as writing it down always makes it seem more real for me. So what do i have to be thankful for lately?

the sunshine whenever i walk to work always reflects on my hair and makes me warm and smiley

cold, chamomile tea with honey in the morning

kissing you... you always make me feel so sexy and alive

my business idea is starting to take shape... i can't wait to see what happens next year. And i have the best business partner in the world

living in LONDON!!!

my best friends. they truly care for me and love me so much.

i am grateful for my fashion sense. seriously

whoever invented the pill. thank you for making my breasts bigger

H20= great skin, more energy & youthful looks (i love you)

DARK, DARK CHOCOLATE

finding a book that i can' put down

Ode to the blackberry - connection to the virtual world of communication. You are my soulmate

the bubbles in the champagne. they make me merry

sometimes, just sometimes... girls get in free

I'm in control of my life and no one tells me what do

All things hot.... like chocolate, weather, men & me :D

MY NIKON D80 SLR. You inspire me!

Freedom of expression: my blog, twitter, facebook...

being a geek

just spending time with you beneath my feather duvet ;)

DANCING TIL MORNING

lacy, sexy lingerie. wearing you... make me so happy

Bubble baths, candle light & lots of me time

PERFECTION

Of course i notice these things vary considerably everyday! So above is just a slice in time of what makes me happy now.

Tell me yours... i'm curious to know ;)

When passion fades... "constantly hit refresh"

You may have noticed that my articles have more or less ground to a halt.

No i'm not losing interest.... i promise that is not the case. Work is taking over my life to the extent that i've no soul left when i finally manage to pry my tired self away from my desk and go home. Yes go home... thats all i've been doing (if you can ignore my birthday weekend just gone that is) most of the time my life is spent staring blankly at my dinner while i cook and eat it. I don't even have inspiration to watch a movie. I feel empty and constantly tired. I have even started to hate my laptop and everything digital. I think i need a holiday....

And so what little energy i have tonight i'm going to focus on how you can turn around your life if you feel like i do right now.... dead inside.

Now this is not depression, although i think a few more months of this and i will be thinking of jumping off some very high buildings just for the rush.

I'm normally a positive person and i don't entertain stress or anxious emotions, but when you are drained of life like me right now... its hard to snap out of it. A never ending spiral of "numbness" emerges. The spark inside has gone and its not because i'm down or unhappy or upset. Its because i'm over-worked. There is a lot riding on my ability to pull this off. And i will of course. Nothing can stop me achieving my goals....

But, i need a break. And this is true for anything in life, like work, your living situation, your relationship, your social life, your art.... right?

As a result of needing a break from work, i've subsequently taken a break from everything else in life BUT work. I have no desire to shop, eat, play, date, write, plan.... I just want to sit and do nothing that requires too much effort or thought.

This got me thinking. Why when one aspect of our life takes over and tips the balance do we let it? and why do we sacrifice the things we love that give us energy and passion, for the one thing that takes it all away? I'm reminded of a story from my favourite author paulo coelho about a guy that only feels his life is worth something if he is important & busy. We all do it. We complain we have too much to do yet we pile on the work and demands with a certain pride. We like to be active. Feel needed. Yet how much of this is ego wanting to feel that the world has a place for us?

Usually i create & savour lots of 'me' time...

I have time to sort out my music to listen to on the way to work, to walk slowly enjoying the moment, to have time to look and absorb things i usually filter out.... then i truly wake up and have enough energy to ask ppl around me how they are. The simple act of being interested causes a brief connection and that makes both of us happy to be working together. We then have less to stress about and more to laugh about. Later i stop and take time for lunch and enjoy it with someone i love spending time with. And in the afternoon i allow 5 minutes each hour to email and ask someone how they are, arrange nights out and events, giving myself something to look forward to. And a 5.30pm i'm out the door rushing to meet friends, dance, have fun, flirt and actually live my life.

So on reflection? Do we always need a long holiday to break up life? or can this be achieved by enjoying quality 'me' time throughout the day?

I've never actually felt i needed to get away until now, but i think thats because my 'me' time has dried up and gone. And if i did go away on a long tropical holiday.... everything would be waiting when i got back and thats when the 'holiday blues' kicks in. Trips abroad should be the result of a fantastic lifestyle, not the remedy to a crappy boring one. By making 'life' more like a 'never-ending holiday' you engage in a lifestyle which never loses its value. It feels good and looks good and you tell ppl how good it is. This is attractive. Not just for the things you want, but for bringing into your world people who have the same attitude. Like attracts like and energy builds (physics) .... the city you live in becomes amazing (tourists do visit you know) ..... you meet an amazing bunch of people... get to do the coolest things.... and then write or tell vivid stories about it ;) and all in all the best thing? your life is what you made it. No one else...

And the dating/relationship advice in this post? (well there has to be some)

Well if you need a break i would say you and/or your partner are too focused on one, usually negative, aspect of your love life. Taking a break can be good, as usually the 'missing each other' period can build up attraction again. Going on holiday together can bring a breath of fresh air. But at the end of the day. The problems don't go away. Habits are hard to break and if you are in a rut, most possibly... you will be in a rut again. So what to do? Well change habits slowly but surely. A friend quoted Einstein to me the other day that "Insanity was doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results". So try not to be insane ;) Maybe look for small ways to appreciate each other. Take quality 'dating' time and plan things to look forward to. Communicate small meaningless messages over the course of the day. Do new things together that you;ve never done before. Meet/make new friends. Entertain others at your place. Be spontaneous. Inspire creativity. Put in the effort to make your relationship one long, long honey-moon period.

And realise, sometimes.... there is just no room left for 'what should be', 'what they didn't do', and 'what you need'. All you have is now.

How to choose a long-term boyfriend...

My last long-term relationship was five years long. He was a gorgeous, tall, grey-eyed Adonis. There was an air of quiet confidence about him. He was strong & silent. He watched me dance across a crowded room. His interest intrigued me and i knew we would meet. 

In fact I fell in love at first sight.... I do not recommend you do the same.

Why? Well because i gave this boy my heart before i liked who he was as a person. I never noticed his flaws before it was too late. The bad points i would have to endure and live with only surfaced after i was well and truly hooked. A relationship doomed to failure. I would love to say that when you meet the right person it all falls into place and nothing matters anymore....

... but thats not true long term. For me anyway.

Now I fall in love cautiously & slowly. The passion and connection may ignite when we meet, but takes time to grow into something durable & everlasting. I will not be tricked by my emotional attachment or my addiction to how he makes me feel. I will not allow anyone to mean so much to me unless i really, truly respect them first. He has to be someone i would consider worthy of friendship. There has to be more than lust or love. 

There has to be like.

I know what you're thinking. Thats absurd. How can you fall in love with someone you don't like? Well it has to do with the fact that when you first meet someone they are on their best behaviour. You only see their 'good' side. Strong attraction spans into spending lots of time together. You build an emotional connection with that person. Your roots entwine like two potted plants now sharing the same soil.... until one day, you are in love. And the uprooting of your life together is too painful to even consider ripping apart. It hurts to disengage. They become habit. They become your reflection and his traits become yours. Which is unfortunate if they are not the person who you thought they were when you met....

So, i have reservations about letting anyone have the 'label' of being my boyfriend. I am choosy. I will not say 'i love you' or commit to him with my whole heart very easily. He has to meet certain criteria. He has to be what i prefer. And it was while dating a lot last year that i developed these preferences. I wrote these down in my creative journal back then - the "List of things i look for in a Boyfriend". It isn't comprehensive or complete, but was what i was looking for then and maybe still stands now.

Of course when it comes down to it i'm attracted to a guy who is 'like' me... kinda geeky, fashionable, random, obsessed with details, able to cook, into aesthetics, healthy, active, driven, caring, open-minded, cheeky, sexy, confident.... and maybe he looks like 'Tom Welling' in the pic above lol

But enough dream-boy musings, here is the actual list i wrote at the time:

1) You must be active and adventurous. A guy who likes to try new things and not get bogged down in logistics or negatives. Be up for anything and it will inspire me to suprise you with random experiences. I am creative. I need you to be too.

2) Kiss me like there is no tomorrow. And do it slowly like you have all the time in the world. Make my world spin and my knees go weak. Show me stars and i'll give them to you.

3) Make time for me. Plan our weekends. Give me something to get excited about and dream of during the mundane. Rearrange your day to include even just a quick phone call. Text me when your thinking about me. Show me i'm a priority and i'll do the same for you.

4) Do the little things that make me smile. I won't be expecting you to think of my needs, but i'll be grateful when you do. And in return i'll show you how much i care by thinking of you too.

5) Understand me. I don't do anything to hurt you intentionally. If you try i will listen and not twist your words or assume you are selfish. I wouldn't be with you otherwise.

6) Have a good heart and make time for others. Trust your friends and be loyal. Take care of your family. I see goodness in people before anything else. Don't prove me wrong.

7) Be confident in yourself. Know you are amazing. Live your life like you don't need me to love you, and i will love you more.

8) Don't let it get to you. Anger, worry, stress and depression are not my friends. They are hardly present in my life because i choose it. If you entertain them on a regular basis i can't save you if i'm to love you too. It will only push me away if you avoid the silver lining and refuse to see the bright side. I live there most of the time so you won't get the 'real' me, and i will just annoy you.

9) Show me affection. Don't be scared to reach out and hug me from time to time. I like the connection when your hand holds mine. Your arm around my waist is reassuring. I love it when you pull me close in bed and hold me until i fall asleep.

10) Don't make promises you can't keep. And tell me in advance if you can't commit. I won't be upset or grow cold if you are honest and at least try to do your best. 

11) Lose your addictions. I will never respect a guy who has no will power to change his life for the better or seek to improve his health. Choice is powerful. Its ok to be open to the possibility but knowing you can refuse is what i like about you.

12) Turn me on. Enough to distraction. Make me want you all the time... and i will do the same i promise you ;)

13) Don't be tight or materialistic. In fact, don't let how much you have be your focus. More money can be made and if we are as amazing as i think we'll be then there will be days when we won't need to leave the house to have a great time. Still occasionally we can splash out and go wild. One day you'll be too old for your money to be of any use. Now is the time to live.

14) Learn with me everything that is worth knowing. Tell me what you read yesterday and i'll show you my latest talent. Inspire me to be more than i am and i'll motivate you to be all that you can be.

15) Communicate. Tell me what you are thinking and how i make you feel. Let me inside your mind. Don't assume i know. Don't be a mystery. 

16) Tell me i'm wrong. Sometimes i am. But if you argue or sulk i will lose interest so be mature in the way you deal with my faults. I am only human.

17) Be loyal and in turn trust me. I have never cheated on a boyfriend and don't plan on doing so in the future. One day we may change and fall out of love with each other but for now if you want the best of me, you'll need to open up and throw caution to the wind. Remember... i have been hurt too.

18) Take charge. I like it you have it all worked out or when you take control. If you want me... come and get me. I prefer a guy to chase.

19) If you mess me about i will lose interest. Flakiness is a turn off. Do it once and i will try to understand, do it twice and i will get annoyed, do it a third time and i'm sorry but i will realise i'm wasting my time.

20) Make me laugh. Even if you have to hold me down and tickle me.... trust me it could be fun ;)

And so girls, i advise you to "write a list" too. And if you don't know what to write...'date' a while in order to develop your preferences. Or write down what you don't want and then list the opposite. Because once you know... it is easier to find it, and you'll be amazed at how the men in your life start to reflect what you ask for. 

And we always get what we ask for. Standard quantum mechanics...