Is he the right guy for you.... or how to spot a flake

Sometimes dating can be a mine-field of confusion, and often i get asked "how do i know he's the right guy for me?" or "how do i spot a flake?" Actually both questions do not always have the same answer. Just because a guy isn't a flake, doesn't mean he's the right guy for you.... if he's committed and emotionally mature enough to be with you, there are other factors that can put a girl off. I should know!

But a 'flakey' guy in any shape or form, even if you 'connect' and get on so well with each other, is never going to be 'right'. Any guy who wants to casually date or happy to dally in an emotionally uncommitted way is wasting your time. Even if he could be right for you in the future... now is where you are at.

So... how does a girl spot a flake? And if he is one... how does a girl deal with that?!

Well the first one comes with experience. Its only after dating a flake, giving him time and energy, can you really, really tell... and later start ditching any guy with a smidgen of 'flakey' traits. Forget about 'he's just not into you'... think of it as more 'he's so not right for you right now' (unless of course you're actually looking for that kinda thing. but i've never met a girl who doesn't want an emotional connection - hands up if i'm wrong though!).

In my experience there are various stages of flake... most extreme is the player who flirts, takes a number but never even arranges a date! and at the other end of the scale is the headf*ck who will go as far as dating you exclusively but introduce you as his 'friend' and never really make you feel like its going anywhere... every thing else between these two is a degree of flakiness that also confuses, frustrates and angers the hell out of a girl.

So whats with the flakiness? Well schools of thought paint a picture of guys who aren't so into a girl but love the ego boost, to guys that just like dating, guys who are afraid of commitment and the loss of freedom that comes with it, and even guys who see detachment and lack of emotion as a strength, something to maintain and return to when a relationship gets overwhelming.

And what about us women. Why does this frustrate the hell out of us? Why do girls not get flaky? I think we do get flakey, especially if the guy isn't really doing it for us emotionally and physically. However us girls can develop an emotional connection through a physical one over time so if a guy puts enough hours in, and she'll sleep with him.... there will come a time when the tables will turn and she's chasing him. Trouble is for girls we seem to focus on end goals too much and want to be further into the connection (once we decide there can be one of course!) than we are. Instead of being in the here and now, focusing on the fun, attraction and the flirtiness that initially attracted a guy to her in the first place. For the many reasons i listed earlier, he pulls away, isn't so sure anymore. She starts to nag about the lack of closeness - which he interprets as a lack on his part, him not being enough - all of which could be avoided if he didn't take it as a 'sleight' on him, realise she was just expressing her fears, took her in his arms and closed the gap physically, reassuring her with some sweet words, or she could see how he would perceive it as nagging/pressure, making him feel not good enough for her, and maybe reach out and touch him affectionately instead, seeking her own closeness - this is how emotionally mature couples in a trusting/loving relationship tend to act or should act, a flake on the other hand never would...

So back to how to spot a flake! The less committed a guy is the easier to spot right. If he doesn't call or breaks off dates all the time he's just wasting your time - ditch! Its harder when the lines are not so clear cut. His behaviour is confusing. Well not anymore.

Tried and tested, here are the signs of a emotionally unavailable flake:

Physical Closeness - you have this in spades. you guys are 'hot!' he's all over you. but you mainly see him in your bed (or his) and no many place else. in fact its the only thing you seem to have going for you both

Words - he tells you how amazing you are all the time. and makes it sound like an expression of 'love'. But is hardly interested you as a person, or your life, and most probably doesn't see you as his gf when everyone but him knows it. did i not mention words are cheap. especially as men have this ability to 'mean' what they say at the time, but change their minds as often as their pants.

Compartmentalizing - you never meet his friends/family and he keeps you separate from everything he regards as 'close' to him in his life. this means he can drop you like a hot rock if need be, and he gets his freedom

Quality Time (not intimate ones) - these are few and far between. you don't experience many things together and your relationship lacks shared times/memories/places/events. he doesn't book you in for future events, unless its a booty call and makes you feel uncertain about if he wants to see you again the moment he walks out the door

Gifts/Services - he never buys you gifts (even if its just a token like a kinder egg!) or invest any of his hard earned cash on you, or ever gone out of his way to do something nice for you. people who are smitten think of nice things to do and give tokens of appreciation

Campaigning - he only wants you to see the polished side of him and if arguments or bad times do arise... he may punish you for the drama, disagreeing or being upset by cutting off his attention and affection for you by suddenly being unavailable/busy. you're unable to talk about your 'feelings' for fear of making him angry and going awol

So there they are, what to look for. Some guys will have just one or two of these traits, maybe he just lacks a bit of emotional maturity for his age.... but if a guy has at least 4-6 of these bad habits i'm sorry to say with you are with a guy who has the emotional maturity of a 14 year old boy.

What to do then? How do you deal with this kind of flake? Even if he's 100% committed to you and only you, there aren't any other girls on the horizon, this guy is not giving you everything you need to feel secure in a trusting, loving relationship, and bound to make you ask more than usual 'where the hell is this going' and make you feel 'insecure'. Guys like this may not even realise they are doing it, but for a woman its soul destroying not to get what she needs while he's getting his. And long-term... can make a girl lose her confidence and drive.

If he's a 4-6 pointer i'd have to say get rid girl. He's not worth the effort. When you do meet a guy who ticks neither of those boxes, who is emotionally mature enough to deal with a girl's feelings and needs... its amazing. I can't stress enough that women blame themselves too much for 'acting a girl' or 'being too insecure', but they hardly look at the men who culture this behaviour in women, the men who take no responsibility for their actions by saying 'if you feel that way, thats your problem not mine'.

A relationship is two people. Find a guy that knows that and invest your energy in fun, flirty goodness and leave the 'flakes' to deal with their issues.... god knows they have a hell of a lot more than you.

Lx

Why watching 'sex and the city' gives men insight into the worst traits a woman can have...

Someone once told me that all girls can relate to Sex and the City because each character (Miranda, Charlotte, Carrie and Samantha) are all aspects of the female personality, so any girl can identify with the show.

Is this true? are all modern women capable of finding within themselves the reserved nature of Charlotte, the ambitious/controlling attitude of Miranda, and the wanton sex drive of Samantha, all the while being as flaky and analytical as Carrie? I like to think that women are more complex than that surely?

Recently i noticed my 3 closest friends actually resemble characters from show:

Toya is Charlotte... always beautifully turned out, coquettish and demure, believing in true love and doing things in the right way.

Eli is Miranda... direct, driven, and always classy. A very determined young lady with an attitude to work first and chill out later.

Lyns is Samatha... flamboyant, daring and often dressed to kill. Men to her are always beautiful and her passion for life often leaves me exhausted.

And so where does that leave me? Im i the flaky dating columnist who is to quote Carrie "A crazy person running around the streets of New York City trying to get Big to love me back."... er well i do write a blog on dating, and i love fashion, and i am a very thoughtful person?!

So if thats true and i'm Carrie... who is my Mr Big?



I once told an Ex he was my "Aiden". I was drunk at the time but no excuse. It was an insult. Why? because Aiden was the sap she didn't really want. That must mean there has been at some point a guy i did want more than any other, who rocked my world, made me go weak at the knees, forever running across the city just to see him?

I'll admit there has been two guys that match that description, who i allowed myself to fall in love with, but they have come and gone and now no longer a part of my life... there is no Mr Big. The problem with Carrie was that she was always bumping into him, however big NYC was. Chris Noth was always there. Out of sight, out of heart really does work and for me its worked so well that my Mr Big (or the guy who just kept reeling me back in) has now gone for good.

So as much as i love Carrie's clothes, her sense of direction in life and the way she dates feels way too chaotic for my tastes. At my worst i am her, and i would say that of all of my friends and of all of the other characters. No sane woman wants to be the girls from Sex and the City... but sometimes we just are because that's how crazy women can get if left to their own devices and exposed to female-only advice for too long.

Give us 2 hours with a bottle of wine and a man to discuss and we will have it so wrong its almost painful to listen to. Just like getting a bunch of guys together with a keg of beer will make them more alpha and neanderthal-like. We women do the opposite, enhancing our own emotional responses just by sounding off with one another.

In other words we get more girly...



Luckily as much as i love my girls, i listen to my guy friends too. Sometimes i don't listen to anyone and make even more of a mess. But whats proved to me in life and in any story, as long as you learn your lesson completely and thoroughly, theres always a way to get up, dust yourself off and start again - theres always a second chance.

And apologies for taking so long to get back into the swing of writing. Work, my job and even my own company is mentally busy right now, but its amazing! Finding my balance between all of the things i love has been my challenge this fall. but its all coming together ;) also new people in my life are starting to make it interesting again, so watch this space

love ya all xoxo

L

How dominant should a guy be in a relationship... or every girl wants a white knight

Take 'blue-eyed guy'... im going to call him that because his other nickname is just too mean. I met him at bar through mutual friends. He seemed nice, a little young for me but only by a year or so. It was his eyes that did it. I'm a sucker for a pair of baby blues and his are dark blue and twinkle like big stars when he grins. I let him take my number mid-conversation flow.... first big mistake!, I should have waited until we at least stood up first. We went to leave and i found that he was at least 2 inches shorter than me. Yes, yes i know height isnt everything and i was wearing mega call-girl heels that night, but 2inches!!

To alleviate the pain of this and to give him a sporting chance... i searched everywhere in the shops for a pair or sexy flats to wear for our 'first date'. Conclusion - there are no such things as 'sexy flats'. Ok then, heels it is. In honour of that decision i decided to go all out and wear my new, deliciously sexy, over the knee boots, teamed a cute nautical date dress (that could be considered a shirt by some but sod it who cares), some dangly earring and a few well placed curles to volumize my hair.... one last look in the mirror confirmed i should have been wearing a warning sign saying 'too hot to handle'. Maybe it was overkill for a first date with a guy that probably wont see ever again, but girl has to look good right? And you never know who you might meet. Rule no.1, always be prepared.

But i should have known better. From the get go it was a non-starter. I just couldn't get past the height issue. I love that feeling of being safe with my guy, and if i can see over the top of his head how can he protect me from anything? I kept wanting to pat his head like his big sister.

You see the man in the relationship has to have the illusion of courage and power, or at least some sort of dominance. Otherwise the relationship runs the risk role reversal, where she ends up wearing the trousers after losing respect and confidence in him as a man. Some women don't mind short men as this doesn't trigger an automatic loss of respect, but for me it doesn't sit well with my notion of a guy that can take care of me. Its what i'm not attracted to and i can't change that despite all those really cool guys out there that just don't make it to the 6ft mark.

Still i tried but the crunch came when he came to kiss me and i had to lean down to meet his lips. Ewww factor big time. Hastily made my excuses and ran for it.

But its not just height... there are other factors too. I've dated a guy who had issues with drugs and drinking. Watching him break someone's arm because the guy look at you or sitting in some strangers house while he deals coke made me feel vulnerable and scared. Even though he was taller than me, and stronger in every way... his lack of self control or willpower made me feel unsafe.

At the end of the day the guy you choose has to be able to gain your trust and induce the right attractors to make you feel comfortable around him. Its a fine line really and i have asked myself...

where does "dominance start to be become a weakness?"

In this age of equality, women want to be treated the same as men. but theres a catch. We also want to be respected as women. Its confusing for a guy right? how dominant should i get with her. If i relent will she see that as a sign of weakness or will she think i'm a cold, callus bastard?

No man wants to see contempt or even worse disappointment in the eyes of a girl he's trying to love. Its like a hand of death. He wants to be your white knight, and if a girl admires him he will do anything to keep that admiration.

Being a girl i can vouch and say that boys most of the time you'll get it wrong because you think theres a magic formula to get her to adore you. There isn't.... Its a case of understanding her fears and not taking her questions or insecurity as a personal sleight on you but not letting her walk all over you either. Thats when she will realise you are her rock and the adoration will come naturally, when she can depend on you to always be the same strong foundation, whatever the weather.

So the questions remains, what is the right amount of dominance in relationships? Well in my opinion a guy can push beyond what he thinks of as being too dominant, as long as it doesn't infringe on her rights...

1. Not being afraid to physically show you are present - theres a difference between man-handling her and being firm. Holding her waist, touching briefly upper arm, leading her to your destination by the hand, gently pulling her hair back while you kiss... these gestures tell her you are in the room and are confident enough to close that gap in personal space without being asked.

2. Asserting your opinion and sticking to it - If its important to you don't relent, but don't be a bully and give her the silent treatment afterward. You've made your point, now drop it. Otherwise its like the male version of nagging. Reward her for listening to you or she'll just start to avoid causing any clash in the future for fear of you retreating into your shell.

3. Being a leader and making choices for both of you - the small choices though, not the big ones. Its nice when you decide on the restaurant or what colour dress she looks better in, but not deciding on who her friends should be or where you should live.

4. Looking out for her and taking her side - loyalty is important for making a girl feel safe. She has to know you've got her back whatever happens, against friends, against family etc. At least be neutral. Your her champion remember...

5. Being confident enough to hold your own in her environment- don't get cocky and showoff or be rude to her friends as a way to hide your 'out of your depth feeling' and don't stick by her side all night either. Find a couple of people you know to chat with and just don't get too drunk so that she can have the freedom to relax and let loose.

6. And lastly don't hesitate - just do it, say it and be it already. very very attractive quality.

Lx

The art of letting go of a guy...

I'm not very good at this... I have to really and truly believe someone is a bad person for me to let them go. It's worse when its a guy i care about, the one who always redeems himself at the final straw. I'm a sucker for seeing the best in people. And i always seem to get hurt trying to make them see it too, giving second chances over and over again.

But me im like a lot of girls. We just can't separate our feelings. Its like our brains are a classic family sunday dinner plate - all the feelings are piled high and mixed up, no boundaries between the types of thoughts, in fact everything just one brown mess. At work its hard to leave behind our day dreams of love, during sex we start to drift into musings about our wardrobe... we just can't compartmentalize. Not the way men do.

And as product of our entangled minds, we find it hard to move things about. Its not easy to put that guy out of your mind for a few months, and then pick up where you left off when it suits. We can only put to bed thoughts and feelings that have run their course completely - so for a meaningful friendship or relationship to end... we girls usually have to get hurt beyond repair before we will finally let go with no intention of ever looking back.

After talking to a lot of guys about this topic, i can see this is not the way it happens for a man. You see his brain is like one of those tv dinner trays... loads of little compartments for each type of thought. And when he's indulging in work, nothing else exists, and likewise for the company he keeps. And guys also have this hidden compartment where they can hide thoughts and feelings for weeks, months, years even from their own consciousness. And when a certain situation doesn't sit with a guy and its not his priority right now, he can utilise this hidden part of his brain to forget the situation while he focuses on the moment in front of him. This does mean that if those feelings are strong, that when they do eventually surface, he will have to deal with the emotions he suppressed a while ago (this explains those men that always come back too late). But most guys just stick everything in there (meaningful or not) and sometimes they never surface.

What this does mean is that guys don't let things go like women think they do.

How many times have i heard a girl say "but he acts like he doesn't care. how can he be so cold after we were so close". Its because he hasn't let it go in the way women let things go. When a girl decides to finally let go, its because she is left with no other choice. She'll never see him in the same way ever again. The feelings she had have been killed for good and theres no going back. But a man finds it easy to let go, because in essence hes not, he's just not thinking about it anymore, and so doesn't exist.

As a girl who knows this, i've tried to use the man-technique and 'not think' about my feelings, but my brain being a pile of mush means that the feeling/thought is not hidden very well and on days when im feeling like the world is out to get me (in my well as 'Mars/Venus' expert John Gray would say)... it all just merges into one big emotion. Then all i want to do is sit on my bed/sofa and watch sad movies until i cry my heart out.

This is when transference happens, and if something you felt you didn't care about last week emerges, suddenly it becomes the most important thing in the world. And say you just had a bad day at work, or your cat died.... all your hurt transfers to something thats been bobbing just beneath the surface, say an old flame didn't text you back, and BANG, he was the love of your life and you just can't live without him! Its only after you've had a bath, done your make-up and gone out drinking with a friend... you look good, and you know it, and you're back to your confident, sassy self... that you realise just how pathetic you were about 3 hours ago when u hid under the duvet with a pillow to hug, mascara running down your face.

Sometimes it sucks to be a girl....

But remember at least when we do walk away from something, be that a crap job, an old flame or a bad friend, we don't look back with regrets.

Lx

Communications Barriers Part 1 - 'Understanding women, their need to talk and what they want'

Theres an issue/drama/miscommunication.... whatever. The first thing that happens? Women get upset, and the one thing they want to do is talk about it.

Why? Well it makes us feel better... And by talking about a problem and how we feel, we think that we'll eventually understand what went wrong in the first place. Its also about about having a safe space to open up, be understood and trust the other person not to punish us for being honest about our fears.

Men, as most of you know, deal with their emotions internally. Its not often a guy will call up his friends to 'talk' about how he feels. In fact most men find this type of analytical approach draining and if he's an emotionally stunted individual he'll call it 'drama' and avoid it all together.

Still even if he's a cool guy and willing to listen, its not fair to take him on the same rollercoaster ride of emotions as we experience it. 1. He wont be able to follow your breakneck speed of processing everything at once and will get confused. And 2. He'll either shut down completely or try an placate you with the phrase "i'll do what you want".

Killer that isnt it Girls?

So part 1 of this article is written for men on 'understanding women' and how not to get to the 'upset' part in the first place. Hopefully some of it will stick.

Rule 1. Simply to women... 'everything has a meaning'

Men let me explain. Why she feels the need to talk is because (stupidly) she has given a whole range of reasons to every action you do (or don't do) and a double meaning behind everything you say (or don't say). Women just do this... don't ask why.

If for any reason she is feeling low/emotional (say time of the month or bad day at work) then that reason may turn out to be negative one. After a while the negative reasons build up, proving to her in a way you'll never understand, that you don't love her or care for her, until she needs you to reassure her with a 'talk' to make her feel better...

An example of this negative association:

Her: hey so do you need me to pick you up from the airport?
Him: what? oh no its ok now, John will drive up
Her: oh ok... are you sure
Him: yeah its fine. Don't trouble yourself.

*In her mind the reason is you either don't want to see her and spend time with her or don't think she can do the job as good as john.

Now all this anxiety on her part can be dispersed by simply adding the reason in yourself straight away:

Her: hey so do you need me to pick you up from the airport?
Him: what? oh no its ok now. John will drive up, but only because i know you have work in the morning and as much as i'd love to see you, i may be a bit grumpy after the flight and i'd hate for you to have to deal with me when i'm like that.
Her: oh of course, i understand. I just wanted to see you.
Him: I know. We'll do something when i get back ok.

So if you don't give her a meaning she will look for one or make one out of thin air or even worse... her girlfriends will tell what the meaning is and it'll be 100x worse that the real reason (and thats when you need to be digging your grave).

Rule 2. Never say "I'll do what you want"

I understand men want to make women happy. And that means finding out what they want and giving it to them right? So asking a girl "what do you want?" and then doing it seems like the best solution to the problem....

Wrong. It will never work because again she will assign a reason to that type of behaviour and if she is feeling low/emotional at the time (and usually when guys reach this point the girl is a mess of tears and stuff) then she will give it a negative reason. That reason is 'he doesn't care what he does because he doesn't really care about me'...

Ok thats a hard one. To a guy its logical. Its what you'd love to hear a girl say to you... but seriously you're putting what you'd want on her and expecting her to like it. Women need to feel that the guy cares and if you push all the responsibility of 'what to do'... whether it be a simple thing like what movie to see or something serious like staying friends after a breakup... she will see that as you don't. Because for women, taking responsibility requires effort, and effort to understand her and know her well means you care a hell of a lot.

So how do you find out what to do? And i know you don't because so many times a guy has said to me "I can't win!"... My advice is to tell her what you want (with reasons!) and then let her decide if she wants to go along with it or not.

Rule 3. Don't punish her or take it personally if she wants to tell you how she feels about the relationship

Some men have this habit of thinking they are 'easy-going' or 'laid-back'. To women this feels like they are cold and distant, cut off from their feelings. They'll punish a girl by saying comments like 'oh just chill out', 'stop nagging' or 'don't worry so much'.... and even worse just avoid her or refuse to engage, staring at her behind a mask of complete aloofness. This type of guy shifts the blame of the issue on to the girl by making her feel that she is 'wrong' to get so upset and that she is causing 'unnecessary drama'.

Sometimes that is the case... women can be drama queens i agree. But its all about balance. If she has shown to be understanding in the past, tolerated difficult behaviour from you on numerous occasions, then a drama queen she isn't. Talk in a relationship should be more than just about fun or sex and shouldn't be taken as a criticism by him when she is only expressing her fears.

Without going into detail on how to deal with her emotions on a mature level... I'll leave you with an article on the 3 signs of a healthy mature man. It should give you some tips on what women are looking for and its written by a guy of course so im hoping it will make more sense to the male brain than my girly chatter.
http://www.datingquestionsforwomen.com/3-signs-of-a-healthy-mature-man

Right enough beating up the men ;) part 2 will attempt to understand why guys do what they do and will follow shortly... stay tuned.

Lx