The saying goes "Men Commit When They Are Ready"... is this true?

I was once told that "Women commit when they find 'The One, but Men commit when they are good and ready, no matter who they are with at that time." I never paid much attention to the meaning. To be honest at the time i was 21 and in an amazing relationship with a guy i really cared about. I'd met 'The One' and so had he.... case closed.

Now... years later i'm a little older, wiser and dating men in their 30s who are happy to retire their 'cheesy pick-up lines' and 'casual fun' in place of something a bit more permanent, like a 'wife'! I can now spot them a mile a way. They have that look in their eye like their assessing a horse for a race. Can she endure to the last mile, does she have good breeding, will she help or hinder my goals.

Case Open?

These men are 'ready' to settle, no bones about it. And first dates are no longer a mesh of irresponsible drinking, dancing in the water fountain, eating bad take-away food and then running for the bus at 6am giggling in each others arms. First dates are now like appointments or interviews, with 2 hour slots and a responsible glass of wine in a cosy pub while swapping highlights of achievements and experiences, then ending with a polite kiss before going home to be in bed for a respectable 11pm turn in.

Its kinda freaking me out. I mean i've been wondering when things would give and guys would start pushing for more while i hung back dragged my heels, but this is beyond what i expected. I've spent all of my 20s running around after guys i've fallen for, trying to make them love me back, and now im the one who is being chased. The worst thing is its not with any flair or passion, their chasing is logical and methodical and just plain boring.

Its not that they aren't attractive. Don't get me wrong, 'Northern Boy' is really cute with a very nice body, and kisses that almost leave bruises. And 'Mr Mars' has these sexy liquid brown eyes and hot Latino looks that can melt me at 100 paces... but they are not 'The One' for me. I know im fussy but it isn't all about looks. The important things to me are missing, like ambition, humor etc . And that leads me back to the first line of this post "Women settle when they meet 'The One'. I now believe this to be true. The only times i've ever considered settling was when i was in a relationship with a guy that had similar interests and direction to me (as well as being hot of course).

Men on the other hand... the amount of times my male friends have said to me that they regret losing 'that girl', or an ex has called me out of the blue saying he made a mistake when he left me. It seems they are 'ready' to settle but sadly there's not a decent girl to be found, so they dredge up the past and their phone book and start trying to rekindle old flames. One guy text me recently after 3 years! Another wouldn't leave me alone, after i accidentally bumped into him in the street, until i started ignoring his phone calls, and even that took months. Somehow this happens less with women? (And that leads me to wonder why is ok for a guy to hound a girl to death and not ok for a girl - she just becomes a crazy stalker? Maybe thats a question for another post?)

So now im 30, enjoying a new-age of adult dating with men who hand you their CV when you walk through the door, can i finally endorse that saying? Are there more guys in their 30s ready to settle than not? OR have i just gotten wiser to the 'players' and the 'gamers' out there know how to avoid them?

Not sure yet... will keep you posted!

Lx

Bargaining your way back to heartbreak... and how to break the cycle

Most people who are reaching late twenties, early thirties... unless they've been living in a monastery for the whole of their adult life, have experienced heartbreak. It seems there are different stages to getting over someone, and no matter how many times its happened to me, i get it wrong each and every time. Theres a new lesson to experience i know it... but omg it hurts like hell and the situation always sucks.

If you've ever been hurt you'll be familiar with the tiny voice in your head that whines about the poor deal you've been dealt, time and time again, rearing ugly feelings of sadness, anger, low-self esteem, depression, regret, self-blame, denial, loss.... shall i go on?

On a therapists sofa this voice is neatly coined as 'bargaining', a stage of grief where your thoughts are your worst enemy, often making the situation 'feel' worse than it actually is. And even more depressing, you're addicted to the falling into the bargain loop over and over, convincing yourself of your own misery, and that you're still not over it.

Well good news is that this is the last stage of heartbreak, and its a 100% your own fantasyland that just isn't real. The bad news is that the cycle is tough to break. mainly because you like your fantasy, it may get you attention (in the beginning), the lows are infrequent and inbetween enough highs that you convince yourself its never going to come back, and its triggered by as little as 'just having a bad day'.

Its the stage where we are 'certain' we can get back what we lost. If that person just knew how you felt they would act differently. If you think about what happened time and time again you would see where you went wrong. Its the side of you that wants to fix it and thinks it can. And thats the danger... because you just can't.

I did the worst thing i could ever do when breaking up with someone. I just wouldn't let it go. Even though my mind accepted that we weren't going to be together, and i knew that remaining friends was preventing me from moving on... my heart refused to believe, and my actions became inconsistent with what i was saying, so much i couldn't see how irrational i was behaving. To be honest... thats pretty normal. You'd be a cold-hearted biatch if you really did love someone but didn't have any inner turmoil when letting go. And so I couldn't help it, i was acting like i still needed this guy, still wanted him in my life. And you know what, I did. I wanted to be in touch, keep the door open for just the slightest bit of hope that i could still control the situation.

I'll be honest... when you're panicking about losing someone your head is f*cked and you really don't know what the hell you are doing. I gave over to my emotions and wouldn't let sleeping dogs lie. In doing so i kinda messed things up that now this guy can't even trust me to be in contact still. And being blanked/ignored/given the silent treatment... it sucks.

I'm not perfect, and sometimes it astounds me when others say "wow you are so good at relationship advice". Hell no, i'm not. I just see clearly when my emotions aren't clouding my judgement and i don't place blame. In my love life... i will never see clearly and sometimes i blame myself to much. Its only by writing that i can express how i feel and see the bigger picture.

All you can do when you wake up and realise you've been bargaining... is stop convincing yourself that you were wrong, and that you need/can get back what you lost. Best way is to not sugar coat the past. Whoever hurt you made mistakes too and so if you're going to lay blame... share the love! And then just accept the situation, warts an all. They are never going to change, come back or listen. Whats done is done. Its time you got on with your life and stopped looking back.

Things to think about:

1) its natural to think you can change it and to blame yourself

2) everyone has gone through what you're going through

3) convincing yourself that what you lost was better than what you have now is futile

4) think about what the 'real' situation was. the past and people are not as great as you remember. There was a reason you were unhappy and acted accordingly

5) you can't change it so dont try. Just get one with everything else and come back to it later (much later) if its so important.

6) and write to express yourself, even if only to throw it away. I have so many unfinished letters not sent to exes. If one escapes and actually does get sent (which is bad) then don't worry too much. But try not to send them. Write on paper so the possibility is less.

Right this moment i'm struggling to follow my own advice. When i fully embrace acceptance its like theres a wall between my heart and everything else. This is the third time i've been burnt by love and i'm not sure i could go through it all again. In fact i don't want to. No guy is worth this much pain. I gave my heart away so willingly last time... i'm reluctant to, ever again, for anyone.

I'm sitting here thinking of him and i wonder if when he told me he couldn't let anyone in after being hurt... if this is what he felt. Has he passed this curse on to me instead? If that's true, then i can finally see what he was going through. The hardest task would be to trust someone again, let them into your heart, after you've been damaged. I've gone through heartbreak twice (and the first time was more than enough) and something has truly been lost this time. Maybe my innocence towards love and embracing it when it happens? I was a passionate person, adoring the intense feelings of the moment, romanticising them beyond belief.... and now...?

I've been dating some great guys. They are kind, sweet, funny and very cute. But. I have nothing to give. My feelings are under wraps at all times. I never let them in. I don't want to. Don't want to lose control ever again. i feel like i'm numb inside, and theres this part of me i won't let them see or reach. I'm drifting in the middle of a big ocean or behind so much glass, nothing can get to me there. Its where i'm safe, so why should i leave... Unless it feels like the real thing, real love, why should i open myself up to so much hurt. I'd rather stay single. And further more, does real love even exist, equally between two people? The most sucessful couples seems to be those that aren't deeply, passionate around each other. There are no butterflies in stomaches or movie moment kisses, or intense sex. In fact most of them have told me its always been kinda boring... and there is love, just not the kind i always get drawn too. And furthermore, each couple seems to content, but not overly so.... there s little bit of reservation about what they have. Like they aren't 100% sure its what they want. And yet these are the couples that work. Maybe having this wall around my heart is good thing. Maybe i need to learn to protect myself from ever losing myself in someone else ever again. If not being able to let anyone in again helps me do that... then so be it

And so accepting the heartbreak does wonders for moving on... but still not sure what do to about wall around my heart yet. Maybe i'll leave it standing for a while longer...

Lx

What would you do if you weren't afraid... sign-up to a bootcamp?

In about the time it takes for my tea to simmer from hot to tender & warm, i was able to skim through a well known book titled "who moved my cheese". Its been sitting on my book shelf for months now. A friend bought it for me knowing my love of inspiring reads. She even sprinkled the pages with glittery stars to spice up my enjoyment...

I liked the story and the repeating question "what would you do if you weren't afraid?". Sometimes fear keeps us trapped in many situations because we're afraid to leave our comfort zone. Anger and resentment makes us unhappy but still we don't change, all because of the fear of failing. And even though i know the lessons already, sometimes i need to hear it again, to remember it.

So what would i do if i wasn't afraid?

I'd open my heart again and stop pretending a set of rules can keep me safe from getting hurt

I'd trust those closest to me to do what they say they will and not find fault if they can't. I'd trust them to care about me so much that there is no reason they would hurt me on purpose

I'd let all my frustration and disappointment go over things not going how i planned, and just have faith that the world i've created is moving in the right direction for me to be the happiest i could ever be

I'd realise that i am exactly where i need to be, not behind or too far ahead, in exactly the right spot to learn and be who i desire to be. Happiness is here. I shouldn't ignore it or try to control the situation, I should just be.

I'd let go once i knew that there is nothing left to stay for and stop allowing possessions (material or otherwise) to become more important than my own pursuit of happiness.

I'd take control more and fight for what i wanted

I'd see myself as amazing as i am and stop looking or searching for the cracks

I'd make it happen

Funny thing is writing this out makes me laugh because although i 'know' this stuff inside out, suddenly all this makes sense again! I love who i am and you know i love most of all the fact that i see all of this and that i'm aware of my potential. Crazy, kooky love-hippy-chic with a spiritual soft-centre? Maybe but who gives a fuck if it makes me feel good right?

Anyway i'll leave you guys (boys only i'm afraid) with something to consider... a change to embrace if you fancy it:

A friend of mine, 5.0 is taking charge of his first official bootcamp with Sheriff in London. What is a bootcamp you may ask? Well its run by lovesystems a well known school that teaches 'the' methodology of how to talk, approach and date women successfully in any situation. I've been to a few of the seminars and talks and this stuff is eye-opening to say the least and i'm a girl! I've also been approach by 5.0 himself (yes that was how we met) and i must admit i was well and truly smitten for a while ;) And here i am promoting his shit so i must think he's cool still?!

Anyway there are a few seats left so if you want to go drop him an email 5.0@lovesystems.com. Just tell him i sent you ;) and he'll be extra nice cos you're my friend.

Laters xoxo

"The Way We Were..." and how to get it back (your 5 a day to relationship health)

One thing that strikes me about the relationships people confide in me about is their tendency to fade from that passionate "can't keep our hands off each other" stage to a lesser "yeah its ok i suppose" mundane sort of existence. And what makes me further curious is the fact that there are two groups of thought:

The Realists believe is that is normal. There is no permanent happy ever after. The honeymoon period always ends at some point in the relationship and after that its simply time to work at staying together. They accept their lot in life through 'fear' or 'laziness' and don't try for anything more.

The Idealists believe that this means the relationship is over as 'love' should be easy not hard so this person is obviously not the 'One' for them. They seek perfection.... either in a 'romantic-i must find my soulmate' sense or a 'practical-i can do better' kinda way.

Like i say i'm curious about the people behind these views but i'm not one of them. I'm not sure of the label i would have but if i had to call myself anything i would say i'm a 'Creator'. I won't tolerate the mundane and i won't seek happiness elsewhere. Someone once told me that 'happiness' is already right where you standing. Not in another country, career or person. If you have to go looking, then you will never find it or have it for long.

Anyway digress ;) So what does a 'Creator' do?

Well i believe we focus on maintaining the passion, excitement and all that 'feel-good' emotion. We keep the relationship alive so that neither of us want to leave it. In other words.... maintaining the attraction.

And how is this done? Well attraction is a very complex yet simple concept. I could either write pages and pages in detail on what attracts men to women and what attracts women to men. I could breakdown physical, emotional and mental ways to create and build up attraction, but to be honest it only really boils down to 5 things once you are in a relationship. (Meeting or Dating? Well thats a different story!)

So those 5 things?

The 'Feel-Good' Factor:
It stands to reason that both men and women want to feel good about their lives. And feeling great about love is a big part of that. Many couples start to feel bad about the relationship when one or both is not longer fun to be around. Any negative emotion (anger, sadness, neediness etc) directed towards the relationship can cause these bad vibes and if its more that say 20% of your time spent with each other.... then you're messing with the foundations of your future happiness together. If one of you is constantly freaking out or angry about something the other is doing or saying then they have turned into a person that is not inducing 'happy' emotions in their partner.

If someone doesn't feel good around you (say if you are one causing the bad vibes) then its more difficult for your sweetie to want to invest more time and energy into you and the relationship. The easy road is often the road out of the firing line. And then you're one your own.

In the most basic sense.... whatever emotion you feel, your lover will feel too by way of your actions when you are close to them. Remember feelings are guided by thoughts and you can control what you think. Ditch the negative re-occurring insecure rant and adopt a relationship pep-talk instead. Focus on the good and the rest will follow ;)

Emotional Maturity & Understanding:
The way you act with each other from day one when 'bumps' in the road appear is more important than the actual 'bump' itself. So for example how you act when your partner makes a mistake or does something that upsets you and doesn't realise (triggering your insecurities by jealousy, lateness, distance etc). If your girl/guy genuinely cares they won't be doing anything maliciously to upset you. It will be without realising. Emotional experience should bring about an open and understanding response.... not an over emotional or negative one. The person who has messed up will feel bad enough and putting them in a situation where they can't 'make it right' or 'give reassurance' will only trap them into thinking "I can't make this person happy" and/or "If this is what they are like now, how will things get any better in the future the longer we are together?". After a short period they will feel like they have to walk on eggshells just to keep the peace (and trust me they will do anything to keep it, even leave).

Make changes in your 're-actions' and break negative patterns by putting yourself in their shoes and arguing their point of view in your head for 5 minutes. Don't compare their behaviour with others or your own (men are just as different from other men as men are from women and vice versa). Each person will have personal baggage and reasons for who they are and how they behave. As long as they can understand the depth of your hurt just once it is unlikely they will fail to try to avoid the error in the future, especially if they care. And if you're the reason for all the drama... don't do what doesn't work (defend yourself & your actions repeatedly). Understand why they are upset and make it up to your lover in a way they can forgive.

Connection & Attraction:
One thing couples, especially women, do too much of is talking. Having a serious 'talk' with your babe will not inspire feeling of connection or attraction if it comes to more than 2% of your relationship time together. Keep it short, sweet and direct to the point and follow it up with 'fun' after (never go to bed on an argument, unless bed doesn't include sleeping...).

The rest of the time KISS. And i mean keep it simple ;) I say always try treat your girl/guy like its your first few dates. So flirt, kiss, laugh and tease, touch their arm, hold hands and talk about light-hearted rubbish that means nothing. Keep your expectations of what they can/will do for you at early stages of dating level and you will never be disappointed (i'm not saying they won't do more, but your attitude to what they do for you should be to never expect too much. With pressure off, acts of service towards you will be a pleasure not a pain). The more you act like the first stages/flush of love... the more it will be, and any issue or problems that arise will be easier to tackle and it will be more worthwhile solving them between u both.

Actions speak louder than words. So 'do' stuff together that creates a bond between you and shared memories and experiences. Again this links in with the feel-good factor i mentioned earlier. People who feel good when together are likely to develop strong emotional attractions for each other. Emotional attraction is not dependant on physical, intellectual or social attractions. All of these are powerful when meeting and dating, but the latter three are short-lived in actual relationships and can only be re-kindled/maintained (not usually created otherwise we'd all start fancying our friends!) long-term with a strong emotional attraction.

'Icing' on the cake. Not the 'main' ingredient:
Every couple should be better and happier together. That goes without saying. Cake tastes sweeter with icing than without. However cake by itself is just dandy and satisfying. In fact you can live quite happily without any icing your whole life. You aren't bothered if you don't have it and can quite easily get some if you fancy it. A guy or girl in your life should be exactly like that - an additional (quite exciting/sexy) character to a fantastic, fun-filled adventure story that is your life. People want others around to bring something better, not to fill a void or complete someone else. This neediness shows when the girl/guy is less likely to hang out with friends, develop or maintain interests outside the relationship and is controlled by their partner through fear of losing them. When a girl or guy doesn't have much going on in their life besides the relationship its like an unconscious signal to the their partner that they are 'needed' rather than 'desired'. And that too much focus is on the relationship as their source of happiness. Once again there is a pressure (not pleasure) to perform. And no one wants or can cope with that kind of responsibility.

So make sure your life is complete and you have interests outside your love-life. I know its a well known fact but its because its true. One way of looking at it is "if my lover left me today... what do i have?". If all you have is your job and your family then its time to make some positive additions to your life that removes your dependency your partner for their time and attention. Go make them miss you.

No one needs to be rescued:
Nobody likes to be nagged or asked to change. Your partner should love you for who you are, not try and 'fix' you. And vice versa. People will change when they want to for their own reasons and nothing else. If they do it will be short-lived and without much effort. Also people are selfish and will do things for themselves first and foremost. Nothing motivates change like your own misery or happiness (punishment or reward). It then stands to reason that if a guy or girl has behaviour you don't like its easier to manage if they are benefiting from changing their ways not just to make you happy. Couples stay in relationships because their flaws are handled in a way that is indirect rather than head on.

Take time to praise or indicate in passing or better still reward good behavior. Point out what actions you liked or didn't care for in 'other' relationships. Call out their bad behaviour immediately and why it makes you feel bad. Do it once, allow them to make it up to you, then let it go. The more you go on about something they did (or didn't do) the less it makes an impact. If you can't forgive yet and you still feel angry or upset then take yourself away without being 'cold' or giving the silent treatment. The key is to no longer be actively interested... only passively interested. Your lack of activity in the relationship will make more of an impact than any negative emotion you can throw at them. And they will be less likely to associate you with feeling bad (cos you're not there). And if you're the one being asked to change but your lover is going about it the wrong way, call it out as you would any other bad behaviour. You need to know how far you can push against their boundaries if you are to have any respect for them in the future.

Ok so thats the big 5 a day. Go and indulge ;)

As usual i'm free to chat on msn or by email about relationship stuff so don't be shy. I get quite a few emails a week and girls (mostly) call me or ping on msn so if i can't get back to you right away that why. I do answer everyone though so please be patient!

Until next time... xoxo

Only love is real...or maybe not?

I remember believing that only 'love was real'. You know the kind, the love that movies & songs were written about, the love of two people.... soulmates. Theres actually a book called 'Only love is real' by a Dr Brian Weiss. And about seven years ago my boyfriend at the time gave it to me as gift. I loved him then, for his attitude to love was so open and embracing, a rarity in men. He wasn't afraid to tell me how he felt, that i was the one who he had been looking for his whole life... and combined with his easy confidence that i felt the same way, i couldn't help but do just that.

And now, many years on, after that 'love' that was so special, hasn't seemed to last... i've learnt a few things. I got into understanding 'the game' because i didn't know the rules. And where there are rules, there is a way you can win. I needed to believe that i could win for once, at this game called love. At first i was inspired and intrigued. The whole concept is more complex than you can imagine. I now know a lot about dating and relationships all based on the 'male dominated' concept of attraction I can interpret body language and sub-communication between couples. I can see what is wrong and how to change it. Its like i've finally been given a 'love manual' with all those misunderstandings about men explained in length and depth.

And it was fun for a while... but now my life is changing. I'm having a hard time writing because i don't know what i believe anymore. or should i say, i don't know what i want to believe. It strikes me that a lot of people study hardest either what has caused them pain in the past or what can help alleviate that pain. I study nutrition because i've always had tummy trouble. I needed to understand food to stop being a victim to my intolerances. Fear gives more motivation than anything, even love. The motivation to prevent loss, embarrassment, suffering, boredom, obscurity... we all have something that challenges us.

I admire those who study how people interact and behave. I'm one of them. But i'm motivated by fear... and i realise that so is everyone else who studies dating. We break it down because it scares us. We need to see how it works, so we can understand it. We've either suffered badly because of love in the past either because its always eluded us, or we've been burned badly.

And so that leads me to my internal state of affairs. Do i want to forever believe that 'love' doesn't exist? That its a chemical reaction and that it can be created with anyone should the present enough of a challenge to me to trigger intense attraction. Or do i want to got back to seeing the world through rose-tinted glasses and falling head over heels with the guy of my dreams. I know i can choose, for whatever i believe i create. And the latter would be nice, especially now i have a better understanding relationships....

But the answer? None of the above.

I like to be the observer of my own thoughts, because internally i sound like a four-year old trying to understand life and the universe. Sometimes i just need to shut up. I forget that writing is my way of making sense of that four year old. I don't even have time to write in my creative journal anymore... which makes me sad. Still when i get to blog it helps, and when i started this post i was still undecided about who i was, but now i think i see things clearer. Writing helps me take a step back and see that there is no choice. Its never just black & white. Life is many shades of grey, and when we go through life experiencing, we're adding to our color palate so when we come to paint the picture we want... we can pick from many hues, making life richer and a lot more interesting. In short, why choose just one path?

I can't go back to being the girl who loved too much. Just believing in love is not enough to be happy. When you don't have it. You mourn the loss and loneliness of it. And this new avenue i'm trying out lately... as much as its amazingly positive, being in control of all emotions gives no room for anything but a love for yoursel. It is the other extreme.

I need balance, and the middle road has the positives of both. Love does exist... i've had already decided that much. A life without it may stop you from getting hurt and letting anyone close, but its just an empty and unfulfilled way to live. But love doesn't conquer all. It wrong to put so much pressure on something that is just a feeling. Love can be created, it can be maintained... but it can also be abused. Love is in your life with or without you sharing it with a guy. It was always there if you choose to see it, you just have to find it. And you also need to understand it. Its taken me the last two years of my life to realise this piece of the puzzle. I now get how and why i lost love in the first place. And i also get that i do want to have it in my life going forward, but on my terms. And so i'm open to the next phase of my life and what (or who) it will bring ;)

Love may be blind... but your friends see clearly and thats not always a good thing.

There comes a time when you have to justify the guy in your life to your friends. It doesn't matter how committed the relationship is... if you are sleeping with him, they will have an opinion. In the past i developed a habit of keeping my dating life under wraps as far as how i 'truly' felt. I would glaze over the details when asked how things were going, mostly because my ex was the subject of scrutiny, and no one liked him because of how he treated me. It was better that way.

Its only in the last 6 months that i've allowed myself to open up again, though only to a select few friends, and mostly because of my increasing interest in dating and relationship psychology. I like the feedback ;)

Now with all this men-talk between us girls, one thing strikes me as true: Its very easy to feel insecurity when other people have an opinion. We like to seek their approval. Now i have written a post on this before but it was very generic. I'm now mostly focused on the fuss around why we need to get our men "qualified" by our friends.

Is it because we don't trust our own judgement? I remember not fancying my long-term ex at first until i asked my best friend if he was attractive. As soon as she said yes i didn't hesitate to like him back. So boys if you want to ensure she likes you, make sure her friends do...

I also think its because love can be blind.... but i'm wondering if love is blind for a reason. Is that the reason why (from my last post) Ross & Rachel were not able to just walk away from each other in the end. there were lots of reason why it shouldn't work, but to each other and many other 'real' couples out there this doesn't matter. They either don't see each other's 'flaws', see them and not care, or appreciate them as a part of that person... something they can tolerate and eventually come to love?

I've have had instances where i loved the fact a guy dressed badly! (yes me the girl who loves to make it catwalk day everyday) just because it was who he was. I've also found myself dating a guy who seems to tick all my boxes. But now i'm wondering if they were my boxes before i met him, or if they are now because he fits into them? I seem to like different things about different guys... and I can't change my mind that often? Can i?

And now i wonder if that means the guy who seems great on paper, when you market his brand to your friends, will be set up for a downfall when they actually meet him. The standards you set are high when all they know is he must be amazing to have caught your attention. But alas, when they finally meet him, and the cocky comments he makes, you know the ones that make you giggle, are not remotely funny to them... is it better they tell you? or keep it quiet?

Now if a friend says they don't like a guy i'm seeing or if he behaved badly in some way i don't let it deter me. If i'm happy then all is fair in love and war. Most of the time a guy-friend will "cock block" but i ignore that. Especially if the friend likes me in that way. But if its a girl its harder to understand, and even worse when its more than one. All i can think is that they don't want to see me get hurt, he must have been drunk or had his reasons. Still one can't help but wonder if its me that is truly blind in all of this. Afterall i lived with the most selfish, calculated ass-hole i've ever met, and i loved him.... and i wanted his children. I have a history of being unable to see.

I realise however that i am the one living this life and only i can judge my own happiness. I think these days i'm very capable of knowing my own inner state of affairs. And that should be the only compass guiding you.... otherwise you could get lost.

"Friends" never goes out of fashion... but does 'Ross & Rachel'?

I love re-runs of 'friends'. They make me chuckle ;) The in-jokes and long standing '20 something and still dating' storylines... everybody can relate to a character and situation they've been in. That's why we like it so much, and why it will never go out of fashion, however dated the wardrobe & set.

Still i seem to be the only one a little frustrated by the tidy last episode when Ross & Rachel finally get together. Really? After 10 years? After Ross went a little odd and Rachel had a baby? I don't buy it. The whole 'meant to be together' thing is just so 90s. Or maybe its just to Hollywood. Movies and dramas have been selling us 'The One', 'guy gets girl' or 'soul mates & true love' script for so long, that we rose tint our way through life expecting it as reality... actually no, correction.... we desire a happy ever after but expect reality to be different. More disappointing. And true to form, we always get what we expect.

In my view the last few generations are confused. We are not the romantics of the early 20th century, who have set family values, classic marriages and courting rituals, nor have we adapted to the realism of the future. Our ideals still cling to the past, to what society used to deem as acceptable.... and yet our lifestyle suggest something very different. How can a woman in her 20s in this day and age live as she desires and yet still fit with historic ideals of what 'should' make her happy?

In the 90s, dramas like 'friends' clearly emphasized this confusion. Thousands of weak heroines like 'Bridget Jones' were our role models. Stupid 'rom-coms' where people mess up in love taught us to accept misunderstanding in each other (men & woman) and see drama or a challenge in love as normal - no guy ever gets the girl straight away, no girl ever has it all without it being by chance and the end-goal is always to be 'lucky in love'.

What happened to strong, independant leading ladies like Audrey Hepburn, Doris Day & Marilyn Monroe? Role models that gave men a run for their money? What happened to guys like James Dean, Cary Grant & Bogart? Men who knew what they wanted (usually the ladies) and charmed their way into getting it? The golden era may have had old-fashioned ideals, but it also had strong personalities to go with it. Now? it seems society is reluctant to let go of these ideals and what is right and wrong behaviour for people in love and relationships. We judge to make ourselves and our situations seem better by comparison and in this messed up world of adult angst, there is not one celebrity out there that i would want to emulate.

Ross & Rachel may have been the 'couple' we all understood and wanted to be in. But seriously... look at the cracks that splintered their relationship time and time again. Where is the 'gone with the wind' moment when he just kisses her and says 'frankly my dear i don't give a dam' and walks off and leaving her hanging because she took him very much for granted? It didn't happen. Ross was weak and too indirect with his intentions. He was sloppy and hesitated way too much in moments when he needed to just act. He had poor boundary function and then pushed her away with his inability to communicate them. And Rachel.... was callous and lacked empathy & understanding. She kept score and nagged. She flirted with other guys to get attention. And generally drove him away with her ego's inability to just 'let it go'. Its no wonder a ton of my friends (men and women) are constantly confused, out of love, and always in the 'friends zone'.... we grew up in our teen years watching 'friends' who were most of the time just that and nothing much else.

And why should Ross & Rachel just settle for each other after all this time? There is more to life, and always someone new, than going back to something that 'just didn't work in the first place'. We all need to let go of past failures and enjoy 'fresh blood' so to speak. I can't tolerate 'love' for love's sake.... it doesn't exist. Like anything 'love' is an addiction to good emotions and feel-good chemicals. And no one is a slave to addiction. We all have the power to face the fear of being on our own and not accept 'second-hand' romances. I know Audrey wouldn't have.... and that's good enough for me.

Inside the mind of a guy.... "why getting the girl is the most fun part of dating"

Oh yes. Meet Jamie Bamber ladies.... *sigh*.  He is one of the reasons i watch Battlestar Galactica. As well as it being an addictive storyline ;) 

And back to the reality. So last night i was reading Ocean Dreamer's blog (fantastic and insightful read btw) and her post about 'love' in tv shows being like real-life got me thinking about the differences between men and women (@ 8am in the morning i might add when i should be getting ready for work! i have a problem. maybe i should seek help?). 

It strikes me that for most women the objective of dating - a committed relationship - is the most important aspect of all. It the thing they get out of bed for, style their hair, dress provocatively, and flirt like its going out of fashion with any guy that will show her attention. The guy, if he passes some kind of test with her, just dangles the carrot of of something akin to that 'destination' in the future and oops she's already his. 

But men don't want a get a freebie or a handout. Men are competitive. They love sports like racing and play computer games where they skill up. They like to fix things and get good at certain talents like playing guitar. They love to pursue. And while us women won't understand why, it doesn't mean this is type of 'game' doesn't get him excited and the most fun part of the relationship is' the journey to the destination'.  In other words, when tv show & movie couples get to together it's not until the very end that they do. The rest of the time its a whole 'will they? won't they?' hook that keeps you coming back for more. The guys that write these dramas know that once we get that happy ending, they'll be losing half their audience. And even if us girls are sitting their rooting for their favourite couple to 'get together already!' and live happily ever after... you can so be sure that a guy will think differently (i've never seen a guy in a tv show forum whining that such and such should be married already. think about it. its true.)

So the key to understanding how a man wants to win the girl? Not the easy way. It has to be hard. You have to be a challenge. He wants to know that he has 'earned' the right to call you his girlfriend. Turn the tables.... you keep the carrot dangling for once. But don't let him lose every time. Play nice. Let him win a few rounds and then once the feeling of victory is in his blood. Once the hunt is on. He'll be begging for more. And just when he thinks he's losing.... he'll fight even harder to win. And then once he has you, once he finally gets his trophy, he can brag about it to his boyfriends. But no guy will brag if the trophy was just given to him. Theres no challenge or struggle in that. I'm reminded of something i read once "the women is the jewel. the man provides the setting". Just remember to let him do all the hard work cutting the diamond, and crafting the metal first ;)

Funny thing is, once they guy is 'banging on your door with a bunch of roses'.... you may just not want him anymore. Attraction is a strange thing, and its true we always want what we can't have. Even us ladies...

How to choose a long-term boyfriend...

My last long-term relationship was five years long. He was a gorgeous, tall, grey-eyed Adonis. There was an air of quiet confidence about him. He was strong & silent. He watched me dance across a crowded room. His interest intrigued me and i knew we would meet. 

In fact I fell in love at first sight.... I do not recommend you do the same.

Why? Well because i gave this boy my heart before i liked who he was as a person. I never noticed his flaws before it was too late. The bad points i would have to endure and live with only surfaced after i was well and truly hooked. A relationship doomed to failure. I would love to say that when you meet the right person it all falls into place and nothing matters anymore....

... but thats not true long term. For me anyway.

Now I fall in love cautiously & slowly. The passion and connection may ignite when we meet, but takes time to grow into something durable & everlasting. I will not be tricked by my emotional attachment or my addiction to how he makes me feel. I will not allow anyone to mean so much to me unless i really, truly respect them first. He has to be someone i would consider worthy of friendship. There has to be more than lust or love. 

There has to be like.

I know what you're thinking. Thats absurd. How can you fall in love with someone you don't like? Well it has to do with the fact that when you first meet someone they are on their best behaviour. You only see their 'good' side. Strong attraction spans into spending lots of time together. You build an emotional connection with that person. Your roots entwine like two potted plants now sharing the same soil.... until one day, you are in love. And the uprooting of your life together is too painful to even consider ripping apart. It hurts to disengage. They become habit. They become your reflection and his traits become yours. Which is unfortunate if they are not the person who you thought they were when you met....

So, i have reservations about letting anyone have the 'label' of being my boyfriend. I am choosy. I will not say 'i love you' or commit to him with my whole heart very easily. He has to meet certain criteria. He has to be what i prefer. And it was while dating a lot last year that i developed these preferences. I wrote these down in my creative journal back then - the "List of things i look for in a Boyfriend". It isn't comprehensive or complete, but was what i was looking for then and maybe still stands now.

Of course when it comes down to it i'm attracted to a guy who is 'like' me... kinda geeky, fashionable, random, obsessed with details, able to cook, into aesthetics, healthy, active, driven, caring, open-minded, cheeky, sexy, confident.... and maybe he looks like 'Tom Welling' in the pic above lol

But enough dream-boy musings, here is the actual list i wrote at the time:

1) You must be active and adventurous. A guy who likes to try new things and not get bogged down in logistics or negatives. Be up for anything and it will inspire me to suprise you with random experiences. I am creative. I need you to be too.

2) Kiss me like there is no tomorrow. And do it slowly like you have all the time in the world. Make my world spin and my knees go weak. Show me stars and i'll give them to you.

3) Make time for me. Plan our weekends. Give me something to get excited about and dream of during the mundane. Rearrange your day to include even just a quick phone call. Text me when your thinking about me. Show me i'm a priority and i'll do the same for you.

4) Do the little things that make me smile. I won't be expecting you to think of my needs, but i'll be grateful when you do. And in return i'll show you how much i care by thinking of you too.

5) Understand me. I don't do anything to hurt you intentionally. If you try i will listen and not twist your words or assume you are selfish. I wouldn't be with you otherwise.

6) Have a good heart and make time for others. Trust your friends and be loyal. Take care of your family. I see goodness in people before anything else. Don't prove me wrong.

7) Be confident in yourself. Know you are amazing. Live your life like you don't need me to love you, and i will love you more.

8) Don't let it get to you. Anger, worry, stress and depression are not my friends. They are hardly present in my life because i choose it. If you entertain them on a regular basis i can't save you if i'm to love you too. It will only push me away if you avoid the silver lining and refuse to see the bright side. I live there most of the time so you won't get the 'real' me, and i will just annoy you.

9) Show me affection. Don't be scared to reach out and hug me from time to time. I like the connection when your hand holds mine. Your arm around my waist is reassuring. I love it when you pull me close in bed and hold me until i fall asleep.

10) Don't make promises you can't keep. And tell me in advance if you can't commit. I won't be upset or grow cold if you are honest and at least try to do your best. 

11) Lose your addictions. I will never respect a guy who has no will power to change his life for the better or seek to improve his health. Choice is powerful. Its ok to be open to the possibility but knowing you can refuse is what i like about you.

12) Turn me on. Enough to distraction. Make me want you all the time... and i will do the same i promise you ;)

13) Don't be tight or materialistic. In fact, don't let how much you have be your focus. More money can be made and if we are as amazing as i think we'll be then there will be days when we won't need to leave the house to have a great time. Still occasionally we can splash out and go wild. One day you'll be too old for your money to be of any use. Now is the time to live.

14) Learn with me everything that is worth knowing. Tell me what you read yesterday and i'll show you my latest talent. Inspire me to be more than i am and i'll motivate you to be all that you can be.

15) Communicate. Tell me what you are thinking and how i make you feel. Let me inside your mind. Don't assume i know. Don't be a mystery. 

16) Tell me i'm wrong. Sometimes i am. But if you argue or sulk i will lose interest so be mature in the way you deal with my faults. I am only human.

17) Be loyal and in turn trust me. I have never cheated on a boyfriend and don't plan on doing so in the future. One day we may change and fall out of love with each other but for now if you want the best of me, you'll need to open up and throw caution to the wind. Remember... i have been hurt too.

18) Take charge. I like it you have it all worked out or when you take control. If you want me... come and get me. I prefer a guy to chase.

19) If you mess me about i will lose interest. Flakiness is a turn off. Do it once and i will try to understand, do it twice and i will get annoyed, do it a third time and i'm sorry but i will realise i'm wasting my time.

20) Make me laugh. Even if you have to hold me down and tickle me.... trust me it could be fun ;)

And so girls, i advise you to "write a list" too. And if you don't know what to write...'date' a while in order to develop your preferences. Or write down what you don't want and then list the opposite. Because once you know... it is easier to find it, and you'll be amazed at how the men in your life start to reflect what you ask for. 

And we always get what we ask for. Standard quantum mechanics...

How to love unconditionally...

Tonight i had visitor. I invited him to dinner mainly out of curiosity. You see his message compelled me to call. All it said was "I realised something today....". 

"So what did you realise?" I asked after waiting patiently most of the night for him to open up. M, with his ability to evade direct questions, said something flippant that made me laugh. I threw the tea towel at him and he smirked... a grin easing on to his beautiful face. 

"I realised a few things, many of them i realised a long time ago, but never felt them until now." I nodded while i drank tea, and stared into his eyes. I could listen to M talk for a lifetime. He sat opposite and talked about how the problems he was facing in life were showing him many things. Indeed he was grateful for them. Life goes in cycles of good and bad, constantly oscillating towards a better understanding of the present. Without each experience there is no comparison or learning and therefore no resolution with our current situation. In fact if we don't have acceptance of it all, we may end up living the same dramas but with different people or environments. Learn what it is you need to learn and change your reaction or repeat the lesson over and over. 

I suddenly felt like i had been chasing my tail with my thoughts most of the week. It was clear that i had fallen into a trap of allowing my mind to convince me i had to win at all costs. Pride is the right hand of even the weakest ego, and i was too proud to let myself down. Or what i felt was 'down', because direction is all in the how your perceive it. In fact i could have been fighting against myself this entire time, like a pet kitten playing with it's reflection. Sometimes it's staring you straight in the face, and you can't see it because your conditioning, your emotional baggage, your disappointments, your own mind.... tells you that you are right. Well maybe you are not right and the only one losing out ends up being you.  

When the mind controls you through fear, when you come from a selfish place... others around you also come from there. It is only when you speak from the heart that you can inspire others to do the same. 

In some ways i don't know how to speak from the heart and i admitted as much to M. His smile seemed to say he expected this question. He reminded me then of unconditional love.

"Imagine two people. One is happy, independent. Complete. Another person comes along who is also happy. Together the energy between them is amazing. The feed off each other and it is almost better than before. Now one will eventually close off to the other if that person is unable to maintain giving. Maybe they are fearful, maybe they need to be in control, maybe they are wanting more... so they stop giving. The other person may respond by also pulling away but what they are doing is mirroring the fearful person and in that way they are bringing themselves down to that level to get attention. And then a drama begins with both people fighting for affection, both unwilling to give freely like before. 

In unconditional love... the person who is less fearful says "here have the energy you want from me. take it"  then refills elsewhere from other things in their life. The have no need to fight for a limited source of love. And this means they can give freely without expectation or need of receiving anything back. In a relationship where both give freely, there is no fear, and therefore no loss. Speaking from the heart is like that. It is selfless."

I pondered his words as he kissed my cheek goodbye. How many times do i say "I" or "Me" when i think or speak..... 

randomly there are 20 "I"s & 4 "me"s in this post.

The five love languages...

Make me a priority in your life... spend time with me, and i'll love you forever. 

Why? well 'quality time' for me is one of my love languages. 

If you can get past the slightly off-putting religious context of this book, its worth a read. Gary Chapman tells the reader about the 5 love languages of relationships & friendships. 

1) quality time - making someone a priority and spending time with them doing whatever makes them happy

2) words of affirmation - telling someone the positive things about them that you like/love.

3) acts of service - doing things for the other person, usually without being asked.

4) touch/tactile affection - showing affection through touch (not related to sex)

5) gifts - buying presents for the other person to show you care.

Usually everyone in your life will speak 'love' through at least one of these languages. To know what yours is can be defined by (in my experience):

- Its the language you speak to others most to show you care

- Its the one you still manage to express even in times of feeling 'cut off' from that person

- Its the one you need to have in the relationship for you to feel loved.

Me? Well i've worked out i have at least two. The main on being 'quality time' and the second one being 'touch'. 

The others... i couldn't care too much about to be honest. In my research though, when in times of feeling 'deep' love and connection you are able to express all 5... and for me that is certainly true. I can 'speak' all five when i feel 'in love'. Probably why the 'honeymoon' period is so wonderful ;)  both of you doing all five.... oh wow!

However... i find that usually i only 'speak' my main two the most and at times when i feel most 'needy' or 'un-loved'.  And it turns out that if you and your sweetheart are going through the same negative emotions and you don't 'speak' the same languages. Then you clearly aren't communicating love to each other (this works with friendships too! i tried it lol).

So the best way to 'talk' to your guy (or girl?) find out their love language and show them you care ;) And if you are a master of subtle communications... tell them what yours are too.

Anyway i do recommend a read. Even if you are single. You'll be amazed at how understanding you can become to everyone in your life... not just your partner ;)

"I love you.... do you love me back?"

"Girlfriend.... i've never said that before. Even though it freaks me out. I quite like it."

I laughed when he said that. He was being sincere about this girl, his girlfriend. I asked him how he felt about her. We're good listeners us girls and i knew he would enjoy telling me.

"You know. She said she 'I love you' the other day and i said 'I love you too', but she didn't believe me and said she didn't 'feel' that was true." 

Nothing new when it comes to women. I could understand her reaction... she was feeling like she needed assurance/security. However without realising, as she was blinded by her own needs, her disbelief did one of two things: Firstly she had to question his response like he was lying to her and that in itself is an insult. How can you tell someone you love them then call them a liar in almost the same sentence? And secondly... she is choosing to believe that he doesn't love her which exposes her insecurity making her vulnerable and giving him control and also creating a reality she doesn't want but expects. All i know is if i guy did that to me. It would piss me off... and push me away at the same time. 

When i asked him what his response was, my friend was much more mature than that ;)

"Well looked into her eyes, smiled, and asked her to 'feel' again."

"and did she.... 'feel' it that time?"

He laughed. "why of course... because its the truth."

Did you miss me?

Last night, a friend, who i affectionately refer to as 'Guru M' these days, gave me a lift home after catching up with him for a drink. Didn't go to plan as he had to leave early. I guess he felt bad about that, hence the lift home...  which took him miles out of his way!?

 

For a young guy who is a walking 'Armani advert' its easy to like him. Yes. That's superficial. But a bit of eye candy is always welcome right ;) On another level, its hard not to adore someone who has a good heart... and has a depth to them that reminds you of an ocean you may need lifetimes to explore, never mind understand. Women can be spiritual, emotional and deep, but when you meet a guy with these traits, for me, its almost like finding an equal. So on the rare occasion i get the chance to talk with him... i can guarantee he will impart something new for me to ponder, and last night was no exception.

 

Walking to his car, I admit,  I was feeling a little drunk after only one glass... nothing new there then. And M, who reminds me of a Buddhist monk with a chill pill - Zen in the art of everything, especially managing drunk girls, steered me in the direction of his car.

 

I was far from graceful. I blamed the roads and my high heels. He laughed. He opened the car door. I enthusiastically offered to drive. He laughed. I tried to get us lost using my Google maps. I chatted on about things that you only find funny when slightly half-cut. He listened with an amused smile and a patient ear. After a while the conversation turned to deeper things:

 

Me: talking about positivity/ego etc...

Guru M: You are not at all like i thought. Well i never knew you, but I got the wrong impression about you, you know...before we started talking.

Me: Oh? well same here. I assumed you were different. What gave you that idea about me?

Guru M: Well from [mutual friend]. But you are very evolved.

Me: Well at the time when we first met, the guy i was with seemed to bring out the worst in me.

Guru M: oh?

Me: I wasn't happy with who i was when i was around him. Now i make sure i'm with someone who out brings out the best in me.

Guru M: That's very important. i think i only recently realised how important it is to be with someone who makes you a better person.

Me: I totally agree. I'm really grateful for the people in my life now.

Guru M: Same. My girlfriend in [far away country]. She brings out the best in me. I don't miss the late nights, the temptations...

Me: Temptations? Oh you mean women... ?

Guru M: *laughs* yes.

Me: Do you miss her? Your girlfriend?

Guru M: No. I know what it means to 'miss' someone and what to do to avoid it.

Me: What do you do?

Guru M: *laughs* You really want to know?

Me: Er...no. That's ok. *blush*  you can guess what i'm thinking here...

Guru M: What? HaHa.. No! Not like that. Do you know why you 'miss' someone?

Me: You miss someone because you are addicted to how they make you feel?

Guru M: Yes in a way. In reality your ego is only getting attention/energy from one source...

Me: and you should be getting it from other sources like yourself or from the positive events in life?

Guru M: Exactly. I don't 'miss' her because 'missing' is a negative emotion. Like when you 'miss' the train... that is something you didn't want to do. It takes away from you and drains you. When you miss someone you you are not really here, your thoughts and energy is with them wherever they are, but you can control that. I understand that my energy should be here... in the now. Being apart is not a negative thing. It is positive. You see what you would normally take for granted and appreciate it. How is that negative?

Me: Right. i think i understand.

Guru M: *smiles* You will.

 

I get home about 10.30pm. M watches me unlock the door and safely close it behind me. He drives away and I sit there wondering about how 'missing' someone is just another validation of your ego from a source other than yourself or the positive things in life. I always 'liked' missing my long-term ex bf when we were together and now i can see it was another form of addiction. I 'missed' how he made me feel.

 

And now? maybe i should practice 'missing' nothing. After all a 'missed' train is just a blessing in disguise.... so why not 'missing' a person? It gives you time to yourself away from their perspective, enough to find yourself again, and to fit in time for other commitments e.g. family, friends, work... without having to feel guilty.

 

Still i love it when someone misses me or should i say my ego does ;)

 

Will have to ask M how he handles that one....