How to change your mindset, be more positive and be in control

In other words, how do you create a reality you want to be in... cos its so easy to find yourself 'trapped' in an environment you don't want. You drag your tired feet and weary head through each day, looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. You moan to yourself, friends and family of how bad your present situation is. You expect the world around you has to change before you can smile again and be positive...

well wrong.

Why? because simply how you feel right now is 70% how you perceive the situation, 20% how much you accept things you cannot change, and 10% what you're doing to change it. What does that tell me? That 90% of happiness is all in your mind.

I want to share with a plan im working on to help you move towards a more positive place.

Most of my close friends know im a big romantic... heartbreak can devastate me for a short while, which it did recently, when I realized i misplaced my trust and heart with someone undeserving.

All it takes is a big fall and the rest just have to exist to keep me there, work stress can knock me for six, family issues can bring me down... etc

But i'm also a fighter, and just as much as i fall, i know i can climb right back up. All i need are the right people around me, the right tools and my own determination.

I'm a great believer in we choose our happiness. Someone once told me happy people are happy on purpose. I study positive psychology in my spare time (im hoping to do a masters) and in fact your mindset/perception is the most important thing to change first in order to change anything in your life. And being able to be positive has such an impact when your trying to deal with lifes issues.

So i worked very hard these last few months to break the habit im so bad at having.... worrying and not doing. pulled out all my inspiring books and papers and put together my 3 month plan. This post is all about the first month which is changing mindset:

Month One - To change mindset and get into 'good' habits
(You will need a small notebook and carry with you everyday)

Good habit #1 - Appreciation & Self (2 mins)
First step to being content is knowing what you do have. Just having a positive attitude makes others attracted to you and can help you connect with others.
Daily - Write down at least one answer for each and believe in them

1) what im i grateful for today & why. what good things happened (try to see silver lining in everything)
2) what makes you amazing today. sell yourself to yourself (don't laugh at this one)
2) reminder - what im i aiming for this week/month (your one major goal) and why do u deserve it.

Good habit #2 - Own Motivation & Satisfaction (2 mins + task time)
Its good to see progress even on a simple level like a personal to-do list
Sun/Mon - Write down 3 action a week things that are for yourself only, which will make a difference in your life and make u feel good having done them.
These can be things that take you towards your goal or just help you along in life. They should be non-work related.
Now do them through out the week and tick off as you go along.

Good habit #3 - Realise you are in control (15 mins)
Just by knowing what you want you are in control of your life.
At beginning of week - write down 1 thing you want to happen in all areas of your life (work, career, love, family, money, health, social, home)
At end of week - tick off the things this week and in past weeks that you have gained or have happened

Good habit #4 - Be in the moment (1 hour)
The mind can take over your body if you don't keep in check,
Take one hour at least for yourself once week to do something relaxing (go to the gym, go for a walk, cook etc). This can also be broken down into 15 mins a day (meditate or take a bath)
The most important thing is not to think about anything except what you are doing. Let your mind rest (no worries or thinking negatively as this gets you into bad habits)

It seems like a lot to do but in fact it will take only a small part of your time up everyday, and once you get into the habit it will be second nature.

These are the foundation blocks that we can build on for later so its important to make them a habit... months 2 and 3 focused more on the doing and gaining side of things

How i know things worked: well i got everything i asked for an i feel so much more positive and in control. I was in this place 3 years ago (doing much the same thing) and it feels so good to be back on top.

i wrote this here because i wish and hope everyone who reads this can find the inspiration to reach the same place if not better than so they have an amazing xmas! i know everyone is different and somethings work better for others, but i do hope it works for u like it did me... thats if you wish to try.

Lx

The key to happiness...

... is right where you are standing.

I was told that once by a close friend of mine when i called him to have my daily rant about all the wrongs in my life and how if i just moved to another country it would all be so much better!

And as always he was right. We all go through dark periods, or times when we feel hurt, or others disappoint us so much we react badly. And its perfectly natural to blame someone else or even to blame yourself. But the key to really moving on from every set back, being happy, confident and successful, is to forgive, understand and accept... in that order.

And anyone can do this any time, anywhere, whatever the situation. And here are some exercises that can help:

1) The art of appreciation: I love writing lists. Many people think its a complete waste of time writing things down because you can keep the list in your head... wrong. The action of writing words actually sets off a chain of recognition in your brain, almost at sub-conscious level, to bring your attention the points on your list more often than not. In other words, you write it - you notice it. So with that in mind (no pun intended!) the best way to appreciate what you already have is to write a huge, detailed list once a week of everything you have to be thankful for. Break down each category (career, love, family, social etc) into a multitude of great things you have right now to enjoy, and then further flesh these out to say why you enjoy them.

2) Pivoting your pov: anything and everything that happens in your life, whether you caused it or someone else did to you can be pivoted. Its a great technique for seeing the silver lining in everything or realising that 'everything is a good thing'. Imagine that how you feel about a situation is like a coin. There are two sides- one bad and one good. Its easy and logical that the bad side makes you feel... well crap and the the good side makes you feel wonderful, so if you know that to be a fact, and you can control which side of the coin you experience just by flipping it. Choose to believe or focus on only the positive thoughts or outcomes of the situation. Tell yourself why its the best thing since sliced bread. How does it benefit you? Realise its never going to be worse that this, and truly you've lost only what you allow. Each situation teaches you something... at least you won't have to learn it again next time round. If nothing be happy for your clarity.

3) Be good company: I can't stand to be around myself when im moping. I'm actually quite boring and tiring to even myself, let alone other people. Knowing what you're worth is a perfect place to start so write a page on your good qualities and why you're an amazing person, or soon to be... then dump the saddo you've become in favour of the new you. Refuse to grieve/mope/moan any longer as you deserve some better company than that! and whatever brings you down will never be enough to waste your life over. Focus on knowledge that when you're positive, confident, appreciative, like who you are and can forgive the actions you've taken to get to this point, others will also like you and forgive you too. Anything that is dynamic and moving and inspiring is attractive, and 'like attracts like'... so if you want inspiring, happy, great friends/people around, the change starts with you.

4) Set personal goals: Having something to aim for is fundamental to your mental health. You can set daily, weekly, yearly or even lifetime goals to inspire you to act. They can range from stupid things like '7 dates in 7 days' to real skills like 'learn spanish' (the former i've actually been committed to do next month!). Better to get a group of friends and set goals together that each achieve something for one person. So say your friend is wanting to lose weight... together you can set a goal to join the local pole dancing class and aim to be able to hold your own weight off the ground by christmas. You'll have fun thinking up strange and wonderful goals and seeing them pan out over time (and if you're interested i have an online group starting next month so email me if you want to join!).

5) See the bigger picture: my housemate has converted me to being able to watch horror. Now if you know me you would understand Lisa does not watch/enjoy/like anything scary in the movie world. However i am now able to watch 'Supernatural' without hiding behind a pillow or screaming and having nightmares every night. How? Well its only because i KNOW the two heroes in the series (who are very hot i might add) are still alive in series 3/4 and we are only watching series 1. So the bigger picture tells me all will be ok, well and most importantly the main characters don't die (especially Dean, with the long-lashed, blue eyes and 2 day old stubble smile i can't get enough of). How does this apply to life? Well if each setback or shit-hits-the-fan drama in your life is the creepy ghost per episode, it only stands to reason that as the main character you will survive and live for another series. Losing your job, lover or loved one is not the end of the world like it may seem at the peak of emotion. As always this too shall pass....

Right time to sign off get back to my own show.

But heres a little Jensen Ackles (aka Dean from Supernatural) to keep you toasty until next time....





Luv ya

Lx

My guide to 'dating' when you're nearly 30...

This is what every girl should aspire to have at 30...

ok so i know everything in a girls life is not about your walk-in, crammed to the hilt, designer wardrobe... but it comes close! For me, looking at all the things i have right now (such as doing a little happy dance in my imaginary walk-in, crammed to the hilt, designer wardrobe) reminds me that "i made it!" - I have independence (my own money), power (a great career), style (of course), social status (lots of good friends and places to take them to), romance (a lover or two if i want one) and i have all this without needing anyone.

Not to brag but i do, i love my life right now. And the best thing is that im not even close to being 'in love' - the way i feel right now can last forever, because its not reliant on anyone but me.... And you know how good that feels? It feels amazing! And even if i got pregnant and had to leave my job and lovely london and move back with my parents (god i hope not),then at least i did it and lived the life so many of my married friends are jealous of.

Still its not been a journey without tears. I've come out of losing love (quite a few times), i've come from a place where i've really hated my job, or had no money what so ever... and its hard to see out of your own mess, the one that is still a comfort to you because its what you know, even though you hate it.

But theres always a way through the mess... and first step is visualising the way you want your life to be and living as though you already have it (then of course going out and getting it!) Of course its harder than it looks. Of the things that used to hold me back, the main obstacle was a stupid 'fear' of losing what 'little' i had when taking the risk to look for something more. I also used to (and still do to an extent) not believe in myself. And above all wanted someone to fix everything for me (like my bf).

Its the society we live in that makes the last one 'a sure thing', believing everything will get better if we just find 'The One'.

What a load of crap.

Things get harder surely... because not only do you have to sort out your own problems, on top of all that you have to worry about someone else. Love is a double-edged sword... which don't get me wrong is so amazing when you find intense passion and attraction equally in someone else, but its also a delicate balance of emotions, time and energy. And you have to have a full bank of all these things just to get started, never mind keeping the fires burning.

Now im getting older (and wiser?) i agree with the men at least. When the time comes i will settle down (its inevitable) but right now i just can't see it. I love my freedom and want to enjoy it before the nappies and the late nights appear. And i'm only ever able to see a guy have potential enough to become part of my immediate future when i've started to trust him enough to open up my heart. Which happens rarely with me... in fact has happened only once in the last five years (and sadly he didnt deserve it).

So dating when you're no longer in your 20s... how does it work?

Dating as you get older has taught me men can be more hassle than they're worth, so they have to be worth it... 100% worth all that heartache and drama once dating becomes 'something more'.

Someone asked me once 'do you want me or do you just want a boyfriend'....

i didn't know the answer at the time because i wanted him to be my boyfriend - both seemed the same thing. Now time has passed and i don't see him that way anymore, i realise i definitely do not just want a boyfriend. The reason i persisted so much with him was because he was the person that i wanted to be with, despite his flaws... 'he had me at hello' you might say. But you're right in thinking that feeling doesn't come along very often. And in my experience its either there at the start (theres something about them you just can't put your finger on) or its not.

So if thats the case should you date? Well one should only date, for dating's sake, if you feel you don't know how to date, or never seem to meet anyone. Dating can open your eyes... shows you there are always guys out there (plenty) if you 'just want (or need) a boyfriend', and it helps you define your preferences. But dating has its limits, and after the initial 'thrill' of dating multiple potential suitors... you just, well, get bored. Especially if you're confident to know you can easily get a boyfriend if you want one, and you know what you want.

In fact.... *shock & horror* im not dating anymore (prob why i've stopped posting on this blog, as i have nothing new to say on the subject til now - mind on other things). I've got to a point where i can spot a great guy almost immediately, so dating for dating's sake has become an ex-hobby of mine. I just have better things to do.... and i don't want a guy trying to change me or demanding some (or all) of my time, or taking up my emotional energy just now (in otherwords a boyfriend without the 'you had me at hello' feeling). He'd just do my head in...

So on that note, let me say this to all the women out there approaching 30 who 'feel' they need or want a guy in their lives, or still thinking about dating for dating's sake:

1. Women come in to their sexual peak at 29-35.... we have soooo much more to look forward to (and if its just sex you're missing see pt.5!)

2. Women can have children on their own. Men have to find a decent girl if they want kids... in other words who cares about your ticking clock? Freeze your eggs or find a donor if you're that desperate

3. Dating guys you aren't attracted to costs time an effort. If you don't think his bald patch and needy midnight texts are cute now... you are probably never going to. And if you settle, you'll only leave him later.

4. If you do date guys you are attracted to, don't put all your eggs in one basket. When are you ever going to be free, gorgeous (and rich) enough to do this again?

5. Its ok to have one night stands with your exes. Afterall they don't count and you know it'll be good (should be if you're even thinking about going back there again)

6. Don't text back if you don't want to. Its not rude, its being economical. And heres a tip. if you respond, even to be polite, he thinks you're interested. And remember how you felt when a guy who wasnt just kept stringing you along...

7. Spend about 60-70% of your free time pampering yourself. You have the money now, so go book that spa day, buy those amazing clothes, get your hair done (eyebrows, nails, [insert high-maintenance body part here]), and go out and have fun (not trawl around looking for men, they only take your money anyway and you'll end up watching dvds on the sofa in your gym gear together most saturday nights when you finally find one)

8. Try not get drawn into discussions or whine about with your gfs 'how much you want a man' or 'how all men are bastards (they are not and most are great to flirt with when you're bored)'

9. Wherever you go make sure you look fabulous (you can afford to spend hours getting ready right?), when you are in the room you are in the room, don't let your mind wander, dont worry about looking stupid (older you are the more you get away with it) and that smile (afterall everyone wants to be you... married women want your freedom, younger girls want your experience, and girls who need men to buy them drinks wish they had a smidgen of your ambition so they could afford to buy their own).

10. And lastly a great friend of mine (who is italian so has a very different outlook on life) is always saying to me 'men are just details, why bother about them? nice to have but should be the last thing you think about no?'

Exactly.

p.s im not 30.... yet

What a difference a day makes... or "the art of forgiving a man"

My New Years gift to you ladies...

Meet Paul Wesley, rising star in the new teen-drama hit 'the vampire diaries'.... *sigh* and yes i too get shivers all over just looking at this picture ;)

Ok back to the article...

Sooo every morning i wake up and for a barest of minutes while i slumber between wake and dreaming, there is nothing on my mind. It is empty. And then it dawns like a bad memory and the unresolved emotions come flooding back to bite me in the ass. There lies a soft sadness that lingers at the back of my throat. Noted i proceed to get up and get out and on with my day.

It takes me the next 12 hours of walking, reading, working, people watching and eating to fully dissolve that sadness into nothing. I've devised this concept of fully immersing myself in feeling, whatever it is, and riding it out. I don't mean moping or dwelling on it like a stroppy teenager, i mean taking whatever raw emotion it is and tracing it back to the source. I want to know where it comes from, how it developed, what makes it better/worse, i want to understand every aspect of this feeling until it feels like nothing but a gift of knowing myself better.

By nighttime the feeling has been transformed from "this really hurts me" to "this was never about me"...

Forgiveness isn't about condoning what someone did to you in the past. Its not about saying that you are worth less because you accept the way they treated you. Its about accepting it and realising others only hurt you because they were in some form of fear about their own lives.

... it was always about them.

and when you finally accept this opportunity to become more open and less judgemental, to learn the lesson, well you let go and finally move on. And dump the not-so-desirable emotional baggage that makes you feel drained just carrying it around all day.

Until this week i was still carrying the pain and hurt from a very old relationship. I had never forgiven him. Funny because i didn't even realise i needed to forgive. That's how arrogant i can be. But not forgiving keeps you stuck in the past, living in denial-ville (thank you Isa), and repeating the same mistakes and accusations over and over and over.

I got no room for this baggage in 2010. Time to travel light i say.

L x

Why women who have it all are hard to please... otherwise called 'denial'

I realised this morning, after waking abruptly from a disturbing dream, that i have quite a large chunk of denial still hanging over me. The dream, or rather nightmare, dragged up all those old feelings of dissatisfaction in my life, especially love. In my dream my ex wanted me back. Dream Lisa much to my dismay took him back, falling straight into old patterns of stepford wife versus ungrateful bastard. Still dream Lisa was happy because she got what she wanted... or did she?

You see theres never been a guy good enough for me. I know now that at one point, possibly very early on in the relationship but still, the 'long-term ex' was essentially a good guy. It was my being so very difficult to please that pushed him into behaving the way i expected making matters worse and confirming my worst fears. In fact, looking back throughout all of my relationships i'm never happy. I mean he can give me the moon and i still pick away at his faults.

This is my denial.

You know, 'denial' the story we tell ourselves (and others) to avoid the pain of the truth about our own shortcomings - like feeling jealous when others succeed, acting critical when we should offer love, selfish when we should be giving - these little faults we are so ashamed of that we even lie to ourselves that the exist? After all its so easy to build up reasons in our minds why we act harshly towards others, like they deserve it, or to teach them a lesson.... sound familiar?

The hardest thing to accept is the darker side of ourselves, the side that isn't so pretty. I should know, pretty is very important to me. But sub-consciously we all have this side, even saints. The key is to remember that when the ugly truth is brought to light - say a loved one pushes the right buttons, winds you up, makes you angry/upset or react in a negative way... they are just bringing to the surface a part of yourself you could never confront on your own. And this feeling was there way before this person even came into your life and triggered it.

Its up to you to recognise that this person should not be blamed for parts that need work (in fact you should thank them for making you aware), and take responsibility instead. Yes, own it., before it owns you. Until we start to own these bad feelings and accept that they are ours, they will simply continue to control our lives, the dramas will repeat themselves over and over, people will keep coming into our lives who are better and better at triggering and we will still remain the victim. Never happy.

In my case, i'd blame the guy i was with because he wasn't doing enough of the things i thought he should to make me feel loved, secure, smug, satisfied, complete... etc Each time he fell short of my expectations i would experience a whole array of disappointment, frustration, and loneliness, that i was misunderstood and ultimately unloved. I blamed the men in my life for feeling this way and in the end all that did was push them away.

Other times, when guys i've dated have had the integrity to shower me with affection, and done too much, ive gone the other way. My insecurities at not being enough and essentially failing him, or my fear of being manipulated combined with lack of trust that surfaced when pushed to 'give up', as i felt my 'supposed' personal freedom.... made me aloof, distant and overly critical. Like before, i would sabotage the relationship before it could develop deeper and lose out on sharing my life with someone who really did care.

In both i was replaying pattern i'd picked up from my parents and old flames, when at times their restrictions and expectations either brought about a need in me for unwavering love and support or a desire in me to exist beyond their manipulations and control.

Funny today of all days i can clearly understand the lesson in the powerful demonstration of just "pointing a finger" at someone. I mean if you look carefully three times as many fingers are pointing back at yourself right?

What would you do if you weren't afraid... sign-up to a bootcamp?

In about the time it takes for my tea to simmer from hot to tender & warm, i was able to skim through a well known book titled "who moved my cheese". Its been sitting on my book shelf for months now. A friend bought it for me knowing my love of inspiring reads. She even sprinkled the pages with glittery stars to spice up my enjoyment...

I liked the story and the repeating question "what would you do if you weren't afraid?". Sometimes fear keeps us trapped in many situations because we're afraid to leave our comfort zone. Anger and resentment makes us unhappy but still we don't change, all because of the fear of failing. And even though i know the lessons already, sometimes i need to hear it again, to remember it.

So what would i do if i wasn't afraid?

I'd open my heart again and stop pretending a set of rules can keep me safe from getting hurt

I'd trust those closest to me to do what they say they will and not find fault if they can't. I'd trust them to care about me so much that there is no reason they would hurt me on purpose

I'd let all my frustration and disappointment go over things not going how i planned, and just have faith that the world i've created is moving in the right direction for me to be the happiest i could ever be

I'd realise that i am exactly where i need to be, not behind or too far ahead, in exactly the right spot to learn and be who i desire to be. Happiness is here. I shouldn't ignore it or try to control the situation, I should just be.

I'd let go once i knew that there is nothing left to stay for and stop allowing possessions (material or otherwise) to become more important than my own pursuit of happiness.

I'd take control more and fight for what i wanted

I'd see myself as amazing as i am and stop looking or searching for the cracks

I'd make it happen

Funny thing is writing this out makes me laugh because although i 'know' this stuff inside out, suddenly all this makes sense again! I love who i am and you know i love most of all the fact that i see all of this and that i'm aware of my potential. Crazy, kooky love-hippy-chic with a spiritual soft-centre? Maybe but who gives a fuck if it makes me feel good right?

Anyway i'll leave you guys (boys only i'm afraid) with something to consider... a change to embrace if you fancy it:

A friend of mine, 5.0 is taking charge of his first official bootcamp with Sheriff in London. What is a bootcamp you may ask? Well its run by lovesystems a well known school that teaches 'the' methodology of how to talk, approach and date women successfully in any situation. I've been to a few of the seminars and talks and this stuff is eye-opening to say the least and i'm a girl! I've also been approach by 5.0 himself (yes that was how we met) and i must admit i was well and truly smitten for a while ;) And here i am promoting his shit so i must think he's cool still?!

Anyway there are a few seats left so if you want to go drop him an email 5.0@lovesystems.com. Just tell him i sent you ;) and he'll be extra nice cos you're my friend.

Laters xoxo

Focus on you ... for a change

A friend of mine was telling me a story about her weekend. In that story were many crazy moments but scattered between the memories were words used to justify her 'selfless' actions... words like 'i couldn't let him do that for me', 'i'm not worthy of such attention', 'he didn't really want to, i don't think'...

Another friend explained her lack of communication with her boyfriend with words like 'he'll think i'm needy', 'i don't want to bother him, 'he doesn't want me there'....

And i have been guilty of similar 'selfless' thoughts such as 'i want to make her feel comfortable/happy', 'i want this person to like me', 'i should give/spend more time'...

In retrospect, this is selfishness coming through the backdoor.

I read once that 'tending only your own garden' is the most selfless act you can choose to do. Meaning?... well look after yourself and your desires first. It may sound like a contradiction. To be self absorbed is not what I was taught at school. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense. But the more i study philosophy, psychology, science, spirituality and even art...

...the more i understand the concept of truly being selfless - its minding your own business.

To connect with everything you have to start with yourself first. Call it 'self-love' or call it 'inner-game'... doesn't matter what the hell you call it. The results are the same. Everyone gains. And I'll explain how.

*Only you know what you want*
You will never know what anyone else is thinking or feeling, so how can you know what they really want? Don't waste your time. Trying will cost energy and generate useless negative emotion, especially if you get it wrong. Its also a really selfish thing to do, putting thoughts and words to other people's lips. It's truly arrogant thinking you know them better than themselves and then change your behaviour without consulting them first. Take at face value what others say out loud - that they mean what they say - it helps those around you to strengthen their boundaries if they don't, and be honest with themselves and you. Your friends will understand nothing if you anticipate their needs with your own good intentions. And neither will you.

*Inspiration is a great teacher*
Focus on yourself and who you want to be. I can guarantee it will inspire others to evolve as you do. The challenge you set your friends will be to climb the same mountains, or maybe find a different path. Whatever the outcome, its the only way to progress. Constantly turning back to observe others on their ability to climb will only hinder you both. Assist if you can, but not at your expense.

*You are better equipped to help*
I was told that you should only write about what you know, because being there is only way to understand the true perspective of any experience. And if you help yourself climb that mountain first... then you'll know exactly where the pitfalls and potential dangers lie. Only by helping yourself can you then begin to help others, and most importantly relate.

*If you are happy, others are too*
Focusing on you and what makes you happy has a strange way of becoming infectious to those around you. They become happy by default (If they care, and i'm assuming you only want people around you that care). Your life - career, family, friends, home, interests, studies, projects, teachings, travels... the things that give more definition to just an 'existence' - is what makes you 'you'. It is the reason why the people around you love you and find you 'attractive'. Continue to dazzle them if you can. I know it will brighten up their day.

So if you want my advice, based on what i've been through myself, then do everyone a favour - go focus on you ... for a change ;)

How to forget a guy in seven days....

A very dear friend of mine called yesterday (well actually she pinged me on BB messenger) but the result was the same. The guy she once said those three little words to and meant it, was no longer wanting to hear them. They were breaking up, and it broke my heart to hear the pain she felt in losing him. It was not in her nature to be tenacious, yet here she was looking for every reason to pursue him still.

I think one thing women need to work on is not being a victim when it comes to the end of road. As the 'fairer' sex i know we love to play the damsel. We are conditioned to let the guy make choices for us and then weep inconsolably at the outcome. But that doesn't mean we have to be the one drawing the short straw. Oh no..... accepting it is almost half of the battle. Its gaining his respect in one hand, keeping your dignity intact, and its a step in the direction of getting over the loss.

We have all been there. The darkest hour? You know the one. When you're just packing away the groceries and a piece of paper falls to the floor, which turns out to be an old love letter from 'him'. Suddenly the panic and pain hits you in the chest, and the tears you buried surface bringing with them all the heart-wrenching emotions, blazing full colour right there in your kitchen next to the fridge. It totally sucks. He's gone and you feel like you will never, never get through it alone... not without him.

Maybe you're going through this right now? But i can tell you... there is a choice. Even if the 'break-up' is not what you wanted, there is a way to get through it that doesn't have to entertain such drama. As i've experienced my share of heartache, i've realised a few things.... drama begets drama, and usually the thing that hurts most of all is your ego, and fear of loss. If you'll listen here are a few thoughts that have carried me through to see the light at the end of the tunnel. And you can do it, however long you were with him, and however close u were together. The only thing holding you back is limit of the perception you have of yourself and your self worth.

Day 1. You broke up. Maybe he ended things with you or maybe it was mutual but you feel like it was less your choice than his. You'll probably be feeling the ache of loss right now inside. That loss is just a hole where he used to make u feel 'loved' and 'accepted'. Remember that is the ego demanding that you fill that void either by chasing him or by crying, feeling sorry for yourself and generally just moping. Do yourself a favour and realise that this loss just means you have lost your connection to yourself, the person that matters most. How to reconnect with you? Treat yourself like you want the world to treat you... you matter most. Cook yourself an amazing meal, dress up and do your make up, go out with a good book and sit in the sun or in a bar with a glass of wine. Date yourself. Leave room for no one else. You deserve it.

Day 2. You spent the whole night awake and in tears. You don't want to do anything but stay in bed, cry and hug your pillow... well don't, you are not a victim anymore, so don't act like one. The things he has done to hurt you (and breaking up with you is hurting you) can't be repeated now that he is not allowed to be close to you. He is no longer allowed to make you feel as small as you felt when he left you. He lost that right so don't keep giving it to him. The only way to be the victim is if you let your mind decide you are one. And don't pay any attention to the mind and the shallow thoughts it has about how 'weak' you are. You wouldn't let a friend tell you such things, so don't allow you.

Day 3. You woke up and he wasn't there and body ached to feel him next to you. The body is the most treacherous of all. It wants physical contact and your memory of what it was like is causing you real pain because you know its will never be with him again. Ok cut the crap. Firstly if you've been crying all night you will now look terrible and thats no way to abuse yourself for the sake of a guy. And secondly, how do you know you will not feel an embrace that good with someone else. It happened before it will happen again. Take a deep breath, get up and put on some loud, summer tunes that make you feel like dancing and be bold. If you do happen to recall memories of you together picture them small and at a distance, devoid of colour and grainy.... like an old movie. Put on some sexy underwear and blow kisses at yourself. Imagine that some new guy is going to get very lucky one day because u are now free to flaunt it elsewhere after being taken for granted for so long.

Day 4. Burn it or get rid of. I'm not talking material things here. I'm talking about your emotions that lend a sad tear of regret to the relationship. The worst thing that holds people back is thinking that they could have avoided this outcome or that they still can avoid it. I've got news for you.... its happened and by treating it like whats done is done is the only way to get through it faster and smarter AND with his respect. Don't ask him for answers to ask him to consider a second chance. Where you are now will teach you how to avoid mistakes in the future, but with someone else. Because you can only apply these lessons at the time to reap the benefits, not now and not later. Write out a list of things that you won't accept from any guy full stop, and see where he failed you. Take note that he did fail you and how you let him. Promise yourself that you won't let anyone else treat you as badly... and that if he wants a second chance he would have to earn your trust. He is the one being rejected.

Day 5. No contact... for a while. You don't have to cut him out of your life forever. Just for now will do while you sort out yourself and your life. If he is worth it you guys will be friends again. Don't worry too much that you will never see him or speak to him again. Thats being a tad over the top. It may feel like you can never be friends but you don't know the future and feelings fade. If you're finding that you need to call him then just remember that contacting him for anything other than 'polite conversation' makes you look weak and sets you back to day one every single time. No emotional stuff ok? It drains both you and him. He will find reasons to avoid you to keep from 'hurting' you (yes men are idiots). Just keep it light, short and sweet. You want to be his 'cool' ex... not his freaky, stalker, still hung up on him bunny boiler ex.

Day 6. Either have options or none at all. Us girls aren't like men and sometimes we need to close ourselves off to other guys. While this is ok for a while, realise that men operate on the 'options' side of things and so he'll have a head start in the 'seeing someone else' game. If you're ok with that then by all means become a nun and become best friends with your rabbit. However dating can be good for the soul. Just dinner and drinks and mild flirting make the ego happy. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that the first guy you meet is the standard you're stuck with for the rest if your life and this is what has become of you. Imagine you've just be given your first unlimited store card and you're trying it out whatever seems to take your fancy. Just have fun. Later you'll get more discerning at what you want and you'll know in as little as a few minutes if a guy is worth dating, and if he's worth your time/effort or not.

Day 7. Think of where you want to go in your life. Write a list of all the things you want to have, or things that you want to do. Then go and live/get that list. Do something nice for yourself to look forward to or get involved in something satisfying and worthwhile that doesn't involve a guy. Going away is always good or even better start studying (think julia roberts in pretty woman) or even throw yourself into a business or get creative. Notice i didn't say work? You need to add more round edges to yourself to fill the void in your ego and build confidence in yourself and spend more time with you, not work yourself into the ground! Many girls say that they don't know what to do now. Well use this opportunity to do something you could never have done when you with that guy or with anyone. Go out and just have fun with life. You never know where it will take you and who you will meet ;)

So there we have it. I'm not saying it will only take seven days but i see no reason why it shouldn't. Time is just a concept created in our minds. A minute can feel like a day, and a week can fly by in the blink of an eye.

This post is dedicated to my best and closest friend ,who i can't be there for this week, but i am thinking of her lots! xoxo

Be your own best friend...

Sometimes i have these nights out where i tend to let loose and go a bit crazy. These are the nights for girls only. We dress up in the sexiest strapless numbers. We wear classy high heels and fine eyeliner. We drink only cocktails & champagne. And we get into trouble... a lot.

It was on one of those nights where i met a girl who was as sweet as a pea. You know, more damsel than diva... I instantly warmed to her. We talked for ages, girly bonding and such like. And it while we talked that i noticed how little faith in herself she had. In fact she put herself down so much it alarmed me. I asked her why of course she felt this way... and as you can imagine she had little self-confidence.

Me: but if you had a best friend who spoke to you like you spoke to yourself... would you tolerate it? Would you allow them to stay in your life?

Sweet Pea Girl: No. Of course not.

Me: Then why do you allow your mind to do the same? You need to be your own best friend, and be more understanding of your own faults, just like you would a friend. Because if you don't respect & love yourself, who is to say anyone else will?

Sweet Pea Girl: Oh.... 

I can relate. When i was in my early 20s i felt the same way. I had no belief in who i was. In fact i even disliked myself so much i would tell 'me' how stupid/annoying/boring i was constantly. That way, i wasn't letting myself down because i was already there.

Now I am my own best friend. I console and cheer myself on all the time. I allow for my flaws and accept them. I understand myself and enjoy my own company. And the more i like myself, the more others accept and like me for who i am too.

I explained this theory to another friend when we met for dinner Monday night. She is the most selfless & caring person i know. Though she admitted that her insecurity drives her to be charitable as a way to pamper her ego. I was interested in her approach to life. A person who had taken the 'other' road, one less travelled, and yet was not as happy as she could be. We agreed that balance was needed in order to be happy. Not completely selfish or selfless, but flexible to either or both at the same time.

Charity girl liked my concept of 'be your own best friend' but her slant on it was different. She explained that in her view it meant being able to rely on yourself and be on you own without needing anyone else. 

I think both aspects go hand in hand, as you have to care for yourself in order to trust and rely on it totally.

And so I wonder how many of us out there can count on ourselves to be 'our best friend'? After all... we have to live with ourselves for a very, very long time.

How to love unconditionally...

Tonight i had visitor. I invited him to dinner mainly out of curiosity. You see his message compelled me to call. All it said was "I realised something today....". 

"So what did you realise?" I asked after waiting patiently most of the night for him to open up. M, with his ability to evade direct questions, said something flippant that made me laugh. I threw the tea towel at him and he smirked... a grin easing on to his beautiful face. 

"I realised a few things, many of them i realised a long time ago, but never felt them until now." I nodded while i drank tea, and stared into his eyes. I could listen to M talk for a lifetime. He sat opposite and talked about how the problems he was facing in life were showing him many things. Indeed he was grateful for them. Life goes in cycles of good and bad, constantly oscillating towards a better understanding of the present. Without each experience there is no comparison or learning and therefore no resolution with our current situation. In fact if we don't have acceptance of it all, we may end up living the same dramas but with different people or environments. Learn what it is you need to learn and change your reaction or repeat the lesson over and over. 

I suddenly felt like i had been chasing my tail with my thoughts most of the week. It was clear that i had fallen into a trap of allowing my mind to convince me i had to win at all costs. Pride is the right hand of even the weakest ego, and i was too proud to let myself down. Or what i felt was 'down', because direction is all in the how your perceive it. In fact i could have been fighting against myself this entire time, like a pet kitten playing with it's reflection. Sometimes it's staring you straight in the face, and you can't see it because your conditioning, your emotional baggage, your disappointments, your own mind.... tells you that you are right. Well maybe you are not right and the only one losing out ends up being you.  

When the mind controls you through fear, when you come from a selfish place... others around you also come from there. It is only when you speak from the heart that you can inspire others to do the same. 

In some ways i don't know how to speak from the heart and i admitted as much to M. His smile seemed to say he expected this question. He reminded me then of unconditional love.

"Imagine two people. One is happy, independent. Complete. Another person comes along who is also happy. Together the energy between them is amazing. The feed off each other and it is almost better than before. Now one will eventually close off to the other if that person is unable to maintain giving. Maybe they are fearful, maybe they need to be in control, maybe they are wanting more... so they stop giving. The other person may respond by also pulling away but what they are doing is mirroring the fearful person and in that way they are bringing themselves down to that level to get attention. And then a drama begins with both people fighting for affection, both unwilling to give freely like before. 

In unconditional love... the person who is less fearful says "here have the energy you want from me. take it"  then refills elsewhere from other things in their life. The have no need to fight for a limited source of love. And this means they can give freely without expectation or need of receiving anything back. In a relationship where both give freely, there is no fear, and therefore no loss. Speaking from the heart is like that. It is selfless."

I pondered his words as he kissed my cheek goodbye. How many times do i say "I" or "Me" when i think or speak..... 

randomly there are 20 "I"s & 4 "me"s in this post.

We collect what we project...

According to Robin Sharma, author of 'The Monk who sold his Ferrari'...

'other people in our lives are mirrors of our true selves'.

Meaning: We only really appreciate positive qualities in another person if we can recognise them in ourselves first, and are particularly sensitive to negative traits in others if we also possess them.

And life, being the way it is, finds a way to bring these people to you. In a sense - we collect what we project in order to show us truly who we are, and of course, learn from it, deal with it, and move on.

On self-reflection? Well more so these days I'm able to recognise and truly appreciate if someone is emotionally intelligent/mature or not. And as i'm learning to avoid being controlled by my emotions i'm also learning to see this in those around me.

How do i do this? I'll try to explain. Ok, imagine an art dealer... now the more experience they have, the more an 'intuition' develops so that so many years of experience can assist them in just 'knowing' a fake from an original without being able to say why. Malcolm Gladwell talks about the power of this, 'thin-slicing', in his book 'Blink'. A great read. I can't recommend it enough.

Interestingly i've also read that 'you're only as good as the people closest to you... so choose them wisely.' It seems I tend to attract people into my life who are dealing with the same dramas and issues i am, and/or who are the same level or place in their life. Which is why my social circles have changed vastly in the last 6 months. I'm just not the person i used to be.

So is it the people around us that lend their defining traits our way first that we absorb like a sponge? or do they enhance the qualities in you that you both share, having been attracted to a feeling of 'i can relate to this person, they understand me, we share the same qualities' in the beginning?

Either way, i'm constantly attracting men who are not likely to express themselves emotionally. They are detached and almost aloof at times (control drama #1).

Much to my surprise, a friend gave me food for thought when she described me as in the same way as the men i date! Truth is, she may be right. I don't let anyone in as easily anymore, especially the men. And if how you feel/behave is reflected back. Then the 'coolness' i'm feeling from the men i date is probably something i need to address in myself first.

So has been worthwhile looking at those close to me and seeing my 'real' projected self? i would say yes... in 2007-08 i was an emotional wreak and attracted people who were just as flaky or needy as i was. I can see i learnt from being around them, and found out who i was enough to change. And now in 2009 i do have friends who are dealing with intimacy issues... but i'm also surrounded a lot more by people i respect and who have independance, grace, energy and passion enough for me to see that those talents at least are in me too.

Nice to know ;)

We are only human...

I love snapping photos of shadows. They intrigue me. I love the contrast of dark against a sunny background, the lack of light in the form of your subject, the movement, the dapples, the depth...

So imagine my smile when i stumbled upon this quote:

"The laws that govern nature are the same laws that run our lives. For example, when the sun shines the brightest, the shadows appear the biggest..."

A nice metaphor for truism that when you are most open to love and being loved or the more they see you, the real you... the more unimpressive parts of yourself usually hidden away start to reveal themselves and the flaws and bad traits you pretend don't exist come to light.

People buy their own propaganda. We don't face our weaknesses and don't try to turn them into strengths. In fact how many say often 'Oh well, I'm only human...'. Its the ultimate excuse for all our limiting beliefs, false assumptions and emotional baggage we carry around with us daily.

On the surface, not dealing with these inner issues can hold you back from retaining any sort of relationship. On a deeper level, it can lead to unhappiness and recycling of negative situations. 

Anyone who seeks to be successful in any area should start with themselves first.

Inspired by this i've been looking inward again this weekend and it seems recently:

I get angry & defensive when dealing with incompetence - The fear here is having this reflect on me. I need see things from another point of view and try to understand. I've actually been trying this lately and the change in response and assistance and the general mood is amazing.

I never finish a project - Typically i'm all over the place and fill my dairy to the brim. I'm always late, and always busy. The fear here is having to sit and do nothing... of missing out or being useless? 

I think too much - There is too much going on in my head for me to make sense of it these days. I over think everything to the point i'm not aware of my surroundings. The fear here is looking at myself and being content with what i see and being content with what i have.

I'm making an effort to challenge these fears more now and make changes on an internal level. And the hard part? It's not the changes. For me its acceptance. Everything is balance... and accepting yourself for who you are (warts an all) while in the process of trying to be better is the key to balance in this lesson. 

Anyway if you get a chance... try it. Or at least think about it every time you see your shadow ;)

Approval seeking among friends...

When they have an opinion I try not to listen. Everytime I follow advice other than my own, the outcome is not what I wished for and then I feel resentment for not trusting my own judement. As only I can see what is truly 'real' and only I can give myself advice. And yet despite this I still feel pressured to listen and take my friends' advice... just to have their approval, just in case they are 'right'. I have stopped listening, but I'm still anticipating what they would expect. This is becoming detrimental to my health.

Too many opinions confuse me. I then spend too much time in my head. Men are right. Women think too much. Maybe I should buy an x-box? ;)

Still I'm not completely cut-off from feedback. I have a few friends that I trust enough to absorb and reflect their words of wisdom. The difference? Why would I heed their advice and not others?

Well they are living their life how I would want to live mine.

I respect them.

They inspire me to be more than I am.

Their feedback is positive.

They are living by example and happier for it.

They listen to me.

And they do as I do… they give their honest thoughts and then remind me that only I will truly 'know' what to do and don't make me feel bad if I don't agree for follow what they have to say.

So from now on I'm trying to not be so open with my problems and only seek advice of those who I trust. I'm not going to approval seek from anyone, even myself.

And I might buy an x-box….

Did you miss me?

Last night, a friend, who i affectionately refer to as 'Guru M' these days, gave me a lift home after catching up with him for a drink. Didn't go to plan as he had to leave early. I guess he felt bad about that, hence the lift home...  which took him miles out of his way!?

 

For a young guy who is a walking 'Armani advert' its easy to like him. Yes. That's superficial. But a bit of eye candy is always welcome right ;) On another level, its hard not to adore someone who has a good heart... and has a depth to them that reminds you of an ocean you may need lifetimes to explore, never mind understand. Women can be spiritual, emotional and deep, but when you meet a guy with these traits, for me, its almost like finding an equal. So on the rare occasion i get the chance to talk with him... i can guarantee he will impart something new for me to ponder, and last night was no exception.

 

Walking to his car, I admit,  I was feeling a little drunk after only one glass... nothing new there then. And M, who reminds me of a Buddhist monk with a chill pill - Zen in the art of everything, especially managing drunk girls, steered me in the direction of his car.

 

I was far from graceful. I blamed the roads and my high heels. He laughed. He opened the car door. I enthusiastically offered to drive. He laughed. I tried to get us lost using my Google maps. I chatted on about things that you only find funny when slightly half-cut. He listened with an amused smile and a patient ear. After a while the conversation turned to deeper things:

 

Me: talking about positivity/ego etc...

Guru M: You are not at all like i thought. Well i never knew you, but I got the wrong impression about you, you know...before we started talking.

Me: Oh? well same here. I assumed you were different. What gave you that idea about me?

Guru M: Well from [mutual friend]. But you are very evolved.

Me: Well at the time when we first met, the guy i was with seemed to bring out the worst in me.

Guru M: oh?

Me: I wasn't happy with who i was when i was around him. Now i make sure i'm with someone who out brings out the best in me.

Guru M: That's very important. i think i only recently realised how important it is to be with someone who makes you a better person.

Me: I totally agree. I'm really grateful for the people in my life now.

Guru M: Same. My girlfriend in [far away country]. She brings out the best in me. I don't miss the late nights, the temptations...

Me: Temptations? Oh you mean women... ?

Guru M: *laughs* yes.

Me: Do you miss her? Your girlfriend?

Guru M: No. I know what it means to 'miss' someone and what to do to avoid it.

Me: What do you do?

Guru M: *laughs* You really want to know?

Me: Er...no. That's ok. *blush*  you can guess what i'm thinking here...

Guru M: What? HaHa.. No! Not like that. Do you know why you 'miss' someone?

Me: You miss someone because you are addicted to how they make you feel?

Guru M: Yes in a way. In reality your ego is only getting attention/energy from one source...

Me: and you should be getting it from other sources like yourself or from the positive events in life?

Guru M: Exactly. I don't 'miss' her because 'missing' is a negative emotion. Like when you 'miss' the train... that is something you didn't want to do. It takes away from you and drains you. When you miss someone you you are not really here, your thoughts and energy is with them wherever they are, but you can control that. I understand that my energy should be here... in the now. Being apart is not a negative thing. It is positive. You see what you would normally take for granted and appreciate it. How is that negative?

Me: Right. i think i understand.

Guru M: *smiles* You will.

 

I get home about 10.30pm. M watches me unlock the door and safely close it behind me. He drives away and I sit there wondering about how 'missing' someone is just another validation of your ego from a source other than yourself or the positive things in life. I always 'liked' missing my long-term ex bf when we were together and now i can see it was another form of addiction. I 'missed' how he made me feel.

 

And now? maybe i should practice 'missing' nothing. After all a 'missed' train is just a blessing in disguise.... so why not 'missing' a person? It gives you time to yourself away from their perspective, enough to find yourself again, and to fit in time for other commitments e.g. family, friends, work... without having to feel guilty.

 

Still i love it when someone misses me or should i say my ego does ;)

 

Will have to ask M how he handles that one....