The power of the small things (like little kisses xx)

Finally i feel like i can breathe!

I moved in to my new flat a month ago and between the reels of xmas fairly lights and endless trips to consumer-hell that is ikea, its only just coming together. If fact its almost perfect ;)

Still according to Maslow's Hierarchy of Human Needs i've been slumming along at the bottom of the pyramid for quite some time now and as a direct result... everything else has suffered, especially the little projects i've been nurturing to fruition all these months (including this blog!).

But now im all settled and cosy i can at last take a look at introducing some damage limitation, such as reconnecting with clients, chasing up those loose ends, planning, writing and creating... I feel creative again. Its like i can't stop smiling and everyone keeps asking me why i'm so happy. Its just because i'm settled, safe and secure. You see while i was homeless nothing else seemed important. I needed a roof over my head, and not knowing the details put a lot of things into perspective. In fact i realise how much i took the small things for granted, like knowing where everything i own was and being able to get to it easily, and going home to the privacy of "my room", cooking in my kitchen instead of eating out... those sorts of things.

And as always its also the small things that men do that make a difference, well to me anyway... like he remembered what i said in passing 2 weeks ago, he cuts the tomatoes exactly how i like them, he called me when he landed at the airport just so i wouldn't worry, etc.

But the smallest has to be the "xxxx's" at the end of his messages. Take this new ad from blackberry for example:

Do What You Love, Lo..

We watch while the couple argue because he is late, she storms off likely to never speak to him again, but then changes her mind and comes back to him... but only AFTER he messages her.

I'm that girl. Put me in front of a guy trying to say sorry and its embarrassing and confrontational. For me communication is not always better in person, especially if feelings are involved. The hardest for me often saying sorry (i hate to admit i'm wrong). The words stick in my throat, i get teary, i avoid eye contact... its not pretty.

Lucky for me messaging has given us a "get out of jail free card". We can dress the words in any way we want and make it sweeter and funnier just by adding a cute wink or a couple of xx's in such a way to assist communications rather than limit it. Whatever has happened... say your bf forgot to call you back or is busy, those little x's tend to soften the blow to the extent that the words are meaningless.

The funniest thing is that my guy has realised just how golden a few xx's are with me. I'm a sucker for sweet talk and if there is any disappointment, suddenly all IMs are littered with a kiss or two at the end of every sentence. I don't know why they work but they do, even though most of us use them for friendships all the time. They should be meaningless.... i mean its just one little letter for goodness sake, but they aren't - to most girls a small "x" means hes affectionate, sorry and sincere all at the same time.

Now i'm wondering if there are magic letters for men that could 'say' as much? Other than *ahem* a "b" and a "j" of course :$

Probably not...

"Movie Moment Kisses"... the 'spark' between two lovers, or just an acquired skill??

According to an article in Scientific American kissing conveys important information about the status and future of a relationship. The chemical & neurone messages triggered through the simple act of 'touching lips' releases an overload of emotional feelings, including sexual excitement, closeness, motivation & euphoria. 

Now on some level i think i already knew this ;) 

Kissing for me is the ultimate test. If he passes... there's not a lot i can do. I'm emotionally and physically hooked. Even if my mind says no, i just can't resist. Kissing for me in a relationship is like breathing. I will not date a guy if our kisses are far from fireworks. I just can't see how we would connect physically. Kissing is part of sex. So for the rest of it to be good... the warm up has to get my toes curling at least. It tells me if i'm attracted enough to a guy to be able to enjoy sleeping with him. And without that there is no relationship, just very good friendship.

The article supports my own theory that kisses between certain individuals are unique and while you might rate a kiss with one guy as a 10, a kiss with someone else would not release the same electric cocktail of hormones for her that give you that "movie moment rush". And it works both ways. They guy doing the kissing would feel the 'spark' with you more than her. Think of of your basic 'lock & key' analogy... you need to find the right key to fit your lock to unleash your emotions.

But can you learn to be the key that fits all? 

Well i've always been told i'm a good kisser. I tend to go slow and mirror his moves. But if he is a bad kisser i find my jaw aches from trying to slow him down or get his tongue out of my mouth.... So me being a good kisser on my own does not equal a movie moment kiss. It doesn't matter what skills i have or how good i am... he has to at least be equal in skill in that department. 

But even if he does know what he is doing... there are times i've gotten bored and started thinking of my shopping list for tomorrow. There was just no spark.

So what was missing?

Some of best, sparks included, have been in that moment when time stops, the world melts away, and nothing exists but the smell of his skin, the taste of his lips, and the feeling of a kiss that takes your breath away. I can't process any thoughts at a time like that. I'm not even aware of who i am. So If you have time to think of your technique then its not a "movie moment kiss". And if you've never had a kiss like that... then you so don't know what you're missing.

Scientifically we seek someone who is genetically compatible with us. Pheromones play a big part in animals sensing this genetic compatibility, hence the reason why certain 'pheromones' can appeal more to us than others. Findings have suggested that we sense pheromones with our nose. So its not just the kiss itself releasing chemicals, but also the smell of skin. And when we kiss, its pretty hard not to get close enough to become intoxicated with each other's unique chemical make-up, though only if it matches ours. Then we literally become addicted to each other. Nature's way of ensuring survival of the species.

Interestingly the article mentions that for females, oxytocin (the love drug) does not automatically increase as a result of kissing as it does for male. This suggests that girls need more than just a kiss to feel an emotional connection or get sexually excited. This is probably the reason why more than just a kiss for me is so important, and why i look for that connection or spark. It seems women use kissing to assess the level of emotional commitment as well, while men mainly use it to assess only the level of sexual intimacy. In a biological sense... a kiss for me tells me if a guy is likely to stick around, while a guy will use it to tell if you're willing to sleep with him. Good to know!

In a nutshell? For both sexes we need the right mix of pheromones to start off with. And for us girls, the mood and the escalation to the kiss is just as important as how you kiss. So if you're a straight guy you'd need to have more going for you than actual technique or you might just be giving the 'kiss of death' to your relationship every time you lean in to lock lips with your girl...