Why watching 'sex and the city' gives men insight into the worst traits a woman can have...

Someone once told me that all girls can relate to Sex and the City because each character (Miranda, Charlotte, Carrie and Samantha) are all aspects of the female personality, so any girl can identify with the show.

Is this true? are all modern women capable of finding within themselves the reserved nature of Charlotte, the ambitious/controlling attitude of Miranda, and the wanton sex drive of Samantha, all the while being as flaky and analytical as Carrie? I like to think that women are more complex than that surely?

Recently i noticed my 3 closest friends actually resemble characters from show:

Toya is Charlotte... always beautifully turned out, coquettish and demure, believing in true love and doing things in the right way.

Eli is Miranda... direct, driven, and always classy. A very determined young lady with an attitude to work first and chill out later.

Lyns is Samatha... flamboyant, daring and often dressed to kill. Men to her are always beautiful and her passion for life often leaves me exhausted.

And so where does that leave me? Im i the flaky dating columnist who is to quote Carrie "A crazy person running around the streets of New York City trying to get Big to love me back."... er well i do write a blog on dating, and i love fashion, and i am a very thoughtful person?!

So if thats true and i'm Carrie... who is my Mr Big?



I once told an Ex he was my "Aiden". I was drunk at the time but no excuse. It was an insult. Why? because Aiden was the sap she didn't really want. That must mean there has been at some point a guy i did want more than any other, who rocked my world, made me go weak at the knees, forever running across the city just to see him?

I'll admit there has been two guys that match that description, who i allowed myself to fall in love with, but they have come and gone and now no longer a part of my life... there is no Mr Big. The problem with Carrie was that she was always bumping into him, however big NYC was. Chris Noth was always there. Out of sight, out of heart really does work and for me its worked so well that my Mr Big (or the guy who just kept reeling me back in) has now gone for good.

So as much as i love Carrie's clothes, her sense of direction in life and the way she dates feels way too chaotic for my tastes. At my worst i am her, and i would say that of all of my friends and of all of the other characters. No sane woman wants to be the girls from Sex and the City... but sometimes we just are because that's how crazy women can get if left to their own devices and exposed to female-only advice for too long.

Give us 2 hours with a bottle of wine and a man to discuss and we will have it so wrong its almost painful to listen to. Just like getting a bunch of guys together with a keg of beer will make them more alpha and neanderthal-like. We women do the opposite, enhancing our own emotional responses just by sounding off with one another.

In other words we get more girly...



Luckily as much as i love my girls, i listen to my guy friends too. Sometimes i don't listen to anyone and make even more of a mess. But whats proved to me in life and in any story, as long as you learn your lesson completely and thoroughly, theres always a way to get up, dust yourself off and start again - theres always a second chance.

And apologies for taking so long to get back into the swing of writing. Work, my job and even my own company is mentally busy right now, but its amazing! Finding my balance between all of the things i love has been my challenge this fall. but its all coming together ;) also new people in my life are starting to make it interesting again, so watch this space

love ya all xoxo

L

Bargaining your way back to heartbreak... and how to break the cycle

Most people who are reaching late twenties, early thirties... unless they've been living in a monastery for the whole of their adult life, have experienced heartbreak. It seems there are different stages to getting over someone, and no matter how many times its happened to me, i get it wrong each and every time. Theres a new lesson to experience i know it... but omg it hurts like hell and the situation always sucks.

If you've ever been hurt you'll be familiar with the tiny voice in your head that whines about the poor deal you've been dealt, time and time again, rearing ugly feelings of sadness, anger, low-self esteem, depression, regret, self-blame, denial, loss.... shall i go on?

On a therapists sofa this voice is neatly coined as 'bargaining', a stage of grief where your thoughts are your worst enemy, often making the situation 'feel' worse than it actually is. And even more depressing, you're addicted to the falling into the bargain loop over and over, convincing yourself of your own misery, and that you're still not over it.

Well good news is that this is the last stage of heartbreak, and its a 100% your own fantasyland that just isn't real. The bad news is that the cycle is tough to break. mainly because you like your fantasy, it may get you attention (in the beginning), the lows are infrequent and inbetween enough highs that you convince yourself its never going to come back, and its triggered by as little as 'just having a bad day'.

Its the stage where we are 'certain' we can get back what we lost. If that person just knew how you felt they would act differently. If you think about what happened time and time again you would see where you went wrong. Its the side of you that wants to fix it and thinks it can. And thats the danger... because you just can't.

I did the worst thing i could ever do when breaking up with someone. I just wouldn't let it go. Even though my mind accepted that we weren't going to be together, and i knew that remaining friends was preventing me from moving on... my heart refused to believe, and my actions became inconsistent with what i was saying, so much i couldn't see how irrational i was behaving. To be honest... thats pretty normal. You'd be a cold-hearted biatch if you really did love someone but didn't have any inner turmoil when letting go. And so I couldn't help it, i was acting like i still needed this guy, still wanted him in my life. And you know what, I did. I wanted to be in touch, keep the door open for just the slightest bit of hope that i could still control the situation.

I'll be honest... when you're panicking about losing someone your head is f*cked and you really don't know what the hell you are doing. I gave over to my emotions and wouldn't let sleeping dogs lie. In doing so i kinda messed things up that now this guy can't even trust me to be in contact still. And being blanked/ignored/given the silent treatment... it sucks.

I'm not perfect, and sometimes it astounds me when others say "wow you are so good at relationship advice". Hell no, i'm not. I just see clearly when my emotions aren't clouding my judgement and i don't place blame. In my love life... i will never see clearly and sometimes i blame myself to much. Its only by writing that i can express how i feel and see the bigger picture.

All you can do when you wake up and realise you've been bargaining... is stop convincing yourself that you were wrong, and that you need/can get back what you lost. Best way is to not sugar coat the past. Whoever hurt you made mistakes too and so if you're going to lay blame... share the love! And then just accept the situation, warts an all. They are never going to change, come back or listen. Whats done is done. Its time you got on with your life and stopped looking back.

Things to think about:

1) its natural to think you can change it and to blame yourself

2) everyone has gone through what you're going through

3) convincing yourself that what you lost was better than what you have now is futile

4) think about what the 'real' situation was. the past and people are not as great as you remember. There was a reason you were unhappy and acted accordingly

5) you can't change it so dont try. Just get one with everything else and come back to it later (much later) if its so important.

6) and write to express yourself, even if only to throw it away. I have so many unfinished letters not sent to exes. If one escapes and actually does get sent (which is bad) then don't worry too much. But try not to send them. Write on paper so the possibility is less.

Right this moment i'm struggling to follow my own advice. When i fully embrace acceptance its like theres a wall between my heart and everything else. This is the third time i've been burnt by love and i'm not sure i could go through it all again. In fact i don't want to. No guy is worth this much pain. I gave my heart away so willingly last time... i'm reluctant to, ever again, for anyone.

I'm sitting here thinking of him and i wonder if when he told me he couldn't let anyone in after being hurt... if this is what he felt. Has he passed this curse on to me instead? If that's true, then i can finally see what he was going through. The hardest task would be to trust someone again, let them into your heart, after you've been damaged. I've gone through heartbreak twice (and the first time was more than enough) and something has truly been lost this time. Maybe my innocence towards love and embracing it when it happens? I was a passionate person, adoring the intense feelings of the moment, romanticising them beyond belief.... and now...?

I've been dating some great guys. They are kind, sweet, funny and very cute. But. I have nothing to give. My feelings are under wraps at all times. I never let them in. I don't want to. Don't want to lose control ever again. i feel like i'm numb inside, and theres this part of me i won't let them see or reach. I'm drifting in the middle of a big ocean or behind so much glass, nothing can get to me there. Its where i'm safe, so why should i leave... Unless it feels like the real thing, real love, why should i open myself up to so much hurt. I'd rather stay single. And further more, does real love even exist, equally between two people? The most sucessful couples seems to be those that aren't deeply, passionate around each other. There are no butterflies in stomaches or movie moment kisses, or intense sex. In fact most of them have told me its always been kinda boring... and there is love, just not the kind i always get drawn too. And furthermore, each couple seems to content, but not overly so.... there s little bit of reservation about what they have. Like they aren't 100% sure its what they want. And yet these are the couples that work. Maybe having this wall around my heart is good thing. Maybe i need to learn to protect myself from ever losing myself in someone else ever again. If not being able to let anyone in again helps me do that... then so be it

And so accepting the heartbreak does wonders for moving on... but still not sure what do to about wall around my heart yet. Maybe i'll leave it standing for a while longer...

Lx

Im the girl guys sleep with before The One...

... like in that film "Good Luck Chuck" (without the sexy jessica alba above of course).

Its happened to every ex-lover or ex-boyfriend of mine so far. They get with me its great. But after me they meet that girl, the one who could be "The One". I'm like the last wild sex act before they commit, only they don't know it at the time. Its only after when they call me to tell me they're happily married/engaged/in-love that it dawns on me. And tonight it hit me after it happened with a guy who pretty much told me that it never would when i told him of my track record... maybe im cursed?

Of course i know im joking. After my initial crying myself to sleep at the news im pretty much ok about it. Im actually really happy for him, and for all of the other guys out there that have slept with me and found love too ;) Truth is these men were never for me. And i wouldn't want them to lose out on something good just to keep me from getting upset.

Of all my ex-lovers and ex-boyfriends, i've never wanted to keep in touch with any of them after. Mainly because there was too much emotion or attraction. I'm glad to say that the last guy, i very much want to still be able to talk to one day... and im sitting here with a smile on my face while i write this. Of all the men i know, he's the one that deserved to find that someone the most. It took a lot of courage for him to tell me and im glad he did and just wish one day i could tell him this for real. But for now, while he needs me to go away... this blog will have to do.

And possibly i shouldn't tell guys that going out with me will lead them to love. They'd probably all run for the hills? ... or would they ;)

All i know is i am not going to do a chuck and test this theory on some super fat, ugly bloke!

Lx

Losing a friend... sometimes its for the best

When i was a kid i used to own a cute spotted pony called 'Polka'. He was my first pony so you can imagine the bond i developed with him. I loved the bones of that pony so much. He helped me through crap times at school and losing family members. I remember he was always scared of everything, so much that he'd shy away in the middle of me jumping or cantering and then i'd be off... but he'd always come back to get me and wait for me to get back on again.

I remember he was always ill with colic (sort of bad tummy for horses) which can be fatal because of the delicate set up of their internal systems. And one day my dad picked me up from school and told me Polka had colic again. At the time all i could think of was the expense of vet bills i hardly gave any thought to losing him.... i was so blase about it all that when i walked into his stable i was too upset and shocked to speak.

Polka was lying in the straw, to ill and weak to even lift his head to whicker a friendly hello. Sweat marks stained his pretty coat and he looked so skinny and withdrawn. The pain must have been intense. My friend cradled his head in her lap and tears stained her face as she looked up at me. I knew then that this was not the same as last time... my heart felt like it had fallen out of my chest, i couldn't swallow for the lump in my throat. My dad hugged me and then helped me get Polka to stand. It was best if he walked to maybe dislodge the blockage, but the poor thing was so exhausted it took three of us girls and my dad to hold up this heavy pony. He fell over three times on the cobbles even so.

The vet came and diagnosed a twisted gut. Basically the blood supply to the stomach was cut off and he needed surgery to twist it back. The operation cost almost £2000...more than my friend was worth. My dad looked at my sad face and nodded to the vet. We loaded my Polka into a borrowed trailer and took him to the surgery. All the way there my friends told me stories of what we would do when Polka was better, where we would go riding, camping taking the ponies with us, the competitions we would enter and win.... i almost felt positive and happy all would be ok.

He died later on the operating table after the vet did all they could. I kept a lock of his mane and his horseshoe...and i wrote everything down i could remember so i wouldn't forget. Ironically, when i look back, the way i actually got over him was to force myself not to think of him at all and just forget. I let his memory fade until all i can see now in my mind's eye is a pretty white spotted pony in the snow, just like the picture above. I seem to have dissociated all emotion from the memory. It means nothing.

I'm not sure if it helped or not that i chose to let Polka go. His illness was so far advanced that he would get colic every 6 months if the vet hadn't put him to sleep, and every time he would be in pain and every time i would get hurt. It was the hardest decision i ever made as a child and even now i look back... it was for the best.

Northern girls - a hard act to follow

Liverpool girls are fashionable, brazen, sharp-edged and hard to the core. I should know, I used to be one. Then i moved south and softened a little.

This difference struck me as quite apparent the other day when i called my mum for a girly catchup session. She's a tough chick through and through and i wonder sometimes where she gets her strength from, but i also wonder at her lack of compassion, You see i'm getting over this guy and i was quite upset, and all i wanted or needed was a little empathy and a few hugs.

So she listens to me blub on about how he hurt me and how hurt i was feeling for about ten minutes, not saying a word. Then when i've finished sobbing my heart out, she tuts loudly and says "I wish i'd have been there. I would have slapped some sense into you. Crying over a boy. I'm ashamed to call you my daughter!"

Ok. Major switch of gears on my part. I tactfully stifle my tears until they are barely glistening on my cheek and brush off the impact of this guy on my poor heart, and my mother's last retort with a bit of indifference. I should know by now not to drown my sorrows with her as my companion. She just doesn't give an inch with that kind of emotion. Its like she doesn't know how to get upset unless its unresolved anger - the sort that causes family feuds and wars with the neighbours. My mother doesn't cry easily. Shes the type of person who won't allow herself to waste tears on anyone... god forbid a man.

My friend, also from Liverpool, was quick to paint her mother with the same brush. Its like up north, because its colder or something, the women are less forgiving and not so full of mush. They are proud of being brassier and bolder. They won't hesitate to make crass comments or reduce a man to tears. Its a scary place for a guy i can imagine... thats why they all marry so young.

And so where does that leave me? I was born there and was every bit a northen bird until i moved south almost ten years ago. South. Where all the women are sweeter and softer, and the mothers collect china dolls and knit doilies. Deep down i still have that desire to be a touch cookie. When i get pushed to the edge i start to sharpen my tongue and click my heels with impatience. But its like i've taken a few sugar pills. I'm more understanding and tolerant. I'm more giggly and weepy. Only i can't decide which part (hard or soft) is the outer shell or the centre, and which part is the real me.

The funny thing is, when i start to talk in my native scouse accent... i feel like i'm hard as nails, and no-one, especially a guy, should mess with me.

May you live in interesting times...

Every year or so i decide to massively overhaul my life... either by changing where i live, changing my job or who i'm seeing, or all three. It usually happens after my birthday, coming into the winter months. A kinda fall clearout of useless emotions, ties and goals. This year is no exception. I feel like i've gone all out. I'm currently torn into little pieces and scattered all over the shop. Its relentless, its unforgiving... but its who i am. I like to evolve or should i say force myself to evolve.

The worst thing is knowing that you did this to yourself. Thats the hardest pill to swallow... that the turmoil going through your life is a result of your own restlessness. I can't sit still at the best of times, so give me a long stretch of the 'same old' and get itchy feet.

I've been trying to understand why i spread myself so thin, because ultimately it ends with a fall from grace of some kind. Either i over-promise or i sell myself short.... or i end up confused and not knowing if i'm doing the right thing.

I'm still not really inside my own head, but its starting to ease off. I had a few positives come my way that really opened my eyes to my situation. I'm in control. As always, and my perception is half the feeling and half the battle. Seeing all of this chaos as something that needs to be done, to shake things up a little, challenge me, and define who i am.

I have to go through this, so that one day i can look back and smile. Just like i do now.

Someone very cool and who i miss chatting to told me "happy people are happy on purpose." Thanks J. I'm going to keep that in mind.

Love may be blind... but your friends see clearly and thats not always a good thing.

There comes a time when you have to justify the guy in your life to your friends. It doesn't matter how committed the relationship is... if you are sleeping with him, they will have an opinion. In the past i developed a habit of keeping my dating life under wraps as far as how i 'truly' felt. I would glaze over the details when asked how things were going, mostly because my ex was the subject of scrutiny, and no one liked him because of how he treated me. It was better that way.

Its only in the last 6 months that i've allowed myself to open up again, though only to a select few friends, and mostly because of my increasing interest in dating and relationship psychology. I like the feedback ;)

Now with all this men-talk between us girls, one thing strikes me as true: Its very easy to feel insecurity when other people have an opinion. We like to seek their approval. Now i have written a post on this before but it was very generic. I'm now mostly focused on the fuss around why we need to get our men "qualified" by our friends.

Is it because we don't trust our own judgement? I remember not fancying my long-term ex at first until i asked my best friend if he was attractive. As soon as she said yes i didn't hesitate to like him back. So boys if you want to ensure she likes you, make sure her friends do...

I also think its because love can be blind.... but i'm wondering if love is blind for a reason. Is that the reason why (from my last post) Ross & Rachel were not able to just walk away from each other in the end. there were lots of reason why it shouldn't work, but to each other and many other 'real' couples out there this doesn't matter. They either don't see each other's 'flaws', see them and not care, or appreciate them as a part of that person... something they can tolerate and eventually come to love?

I've have had instances where i loved the fact a guy dressed badly! (yes me the girl who loves to make it catwalk day everyday) just because it was who he was. I've also found myself dating a guy who seems to tick all my boxes. But now i'm wondering if they were my boxes before i met him, or if they are now because he fits into them? I seem to like different things about different guys... and I can't change my mind that often? Can i?

And now i wonder if that means the guy who seems great on paper, when you market his brand to your friends, will be set up for a downfall when they actually meet him. The standards you set are high when all they know is he must be amazing to have caught your attention. But alas, when they finally meet him, and the cocky comments he makes, you know the ones that make you giggle, are not remotely funny to them... is it better they tell you? or keep it quiet?

Now if a friend says they don't like a guy i'm seeing or if he behaved badly in some way i don't let it deter me. If i'm happy then all is fair in love and war. Most of the time a guy-friend will "cock block" but i ignore that. Especially if the friend likes me in that way. But if its a girl its harder to understand, and even worse when its more than one. All i can think is that they don't want to see me get hurt, he must have been drunk or had his reasons. Still one can't help but wonder if its me that is truly blind in all of this. Afterall i lived with the most selfish, calculated ass-hole i've ever met, and i loved him.... and i wanted his children. I have a history of being unable to see.

I realise however that i am the one living this life and only i can judge my own happiness. I think these days i'm very capable of knowing my own inner state of affairs. And that should be the only compass guiding you.... otherwise you could get lost.

"Friends" never goes out of fashion... but does 'Ross & Rachel'?

I love re-runs of 'friends'. They make me chuckle ;) The in-jokes and long standing '20 something and still dating' storylines... everybody can relate to a character and situation they've been in. That's why we like it so much, and why it will never go out of fashion, however dated the wardrobe & set.

Still i seem to be the only one a little frustrated by the tidy last episode when Ross & Rachel finally get together. Really? After 10 years? After Ross went a little odd and Rachel had a baby? I don't buy it. The whole 'meant to be together' thing is just so 90s. Or maybe its just to Hollywood. Movies and dramas have been selling us 'The One', 'guy gets girl' or 'soul mates & true love' script for so long, that we rose tint our way through life expecting it as reality... actually no, correction.... we desire a happy ever after but expect reality to be different. More disappointing. And true to form, we always get what we expect.

In my view the last few generations are confused. We are not the romantics of the early 20th century, who have set family values, classic marriages and courting rituals, nor have we adapted to the realism of the future. Our ideals still cling to the past, to what society used to deem as acceptable.... and yet our lifestyle suggest something very different. How can a woman in her 20s in this day and age live as she desires and yet still fit with historic ideals of what 'should' make her happy?

In the 90s, dramas like 'friends' clearly emphasized this confusion. Thousands of weak heroines like 'Bridget Jones' were our role models. Stupid 'rom-coms' where people mess up in love taught us to accept misunderstanding in each other (men & woman) and see drama or a challenge in love as normal - no guy ever gets the girl straight away, no girl ever has it all without it being by chance and the end-goal is always to be 'lucky in love'.

What happened to strong, independant leading ladies like Audrey Hepburn, Doris Day & Marilyn Monroe? Role models that gave men a run for their money? What happened to guys like James Dean, Cary Grant & Bogart? Men who knew what they wanted (usually the ladies) and charmed their way into getting it? The golden era may have had old-fashioned ideals, but it also had strong personalities to go with it. Now? it seems society is reluctant to let go of these ideals and what is right and wrong behaviour for people in love and relationships. We judge to make ourselves and our situations seem better by comparison and in this messed up world of adult angst, there is not one celebrity out there that i would want to emulate.

Ross & Rachel may have been the 'couple' we all understood and wanted to be in. But seriously... look at the cracks that splintered their relationship time and time again. Where is the 'gone with the wind' moment when he just kisses her and says 'frankly my dear i don't give a dam' and walks off and leaving her hanging because she took him very much for granted? It didn't happen. Ross was weak and too indirect with his intentions. He was sloppy and hesitated way too much in moments when he needed to just act. He had poor boundary function and then pushed her away with his inability to communicate them. And Rachel.... was callous and lacked empathy & understanding. She kept score and nagged. She flirted with other guys to get attention. And generally drove him away with her ego's inability to just 'let it go'. Its no wonder a ton of my friends (men and women) are constantly confused, out of love, and always in the 'friends zone'.... we grew up in our teen years watching 'friends' who were most of the time just that and nothing much else.

And why should Ross & Rachel just settle for each other after all this time? There is more to life, and always someone new, than going back to something that 'just didn't work in the first place'. We all need to let go of past failures and enjoy 'fresh blood' so to speak. I can't tolerate 'love' for love's sake.... it doesn't exist. Like anything 'love' is an addiction to good emotions and feel-good chemicals. And no one is a slave to addiction. We all have the power to face the fear of being on our own and not accept 'second-hand' romances. I know Audrey wouldn't have.... and that's good enough for me.

When passion fades... "constantly hit refresh"

You may have noticed that my articles have more or less ground to a halt.

No i'm not losing interest.... i promise that is not the case. Work is taking over my life to the extent that i've no soul left when i finally manage to pry my tired self away from my desk and go home. Yes go home... thats all i've been doing (if you can ignore my birthday weekend just gone that is) most of the time my life is spent staring blankly at my dinner while i cook and eat it. I don't even have inspiration to watch a movie. I feel empty and constantly tired. I have even started to hate my laptop and everything digital. I think i need a holiday....

And so what little energy i have tonight i'm going to focus on how you can turn around your life if you feel like i do right now.... dead inside.

Now this is not depression, although i think a few more months of this and i will be thinking of jumping off some very high buildings just for the rush.

I'm normally a positive person and i don't entertain stress or anxious emotions, but when you are drained of life like me right now... its hard to snap out of it. A never ending spiral of "numbness" emerges. The spark inside has gone and its not because i'm down or unhappy or upset. Its because i'm over-worked. There is a lot riding on my ability to pull this off. And i will of course. Nothing can stop me achieving my goals....

But, i need a break. And this is true for anything in life, like work, your living situation, your relationship, your social life, your art.... right?

As a result of needing a break from work, i've subsequently taken a break from everything else in life BUT work. I have no desire to shop, eat, play, date, write, plan.... I just want to sit and do nothing that requires too much effort or thought.

This got me thinking. Why when one aspect of our life takes over and tips the balance do we let it? and why do we sacrifice the things we love that give us energy and passion, for the one thing that takes it all away? I'm reminded of a story from my favourite author paulo coelho about a guy that only feels his life is worth something if he is important & busy. We all do it. We complain we have too much to do yet we pile on the work and demands with a certain pride. We like to be active. Feel needed. Yet how much of this is ego wanting to feel that the world has a place for us?

Usually i create & savour lots of 'me' time...

I have time to sort out my music to listen to on the way to work, to walk slowly enjoying the moment, to have time to look and absorb things i usually filter out.... then i truly wake up and have enough energy to ask ppl around me how they are. The simple act of being interested causes a brief connection and that makes both of us happy to be working together. We then have less to stress about and more to laugh about. Later i stop and take time for lunch and enjoy it with someone i love spending time with. And in the afternoon i allow 5 minutes each hour to email and ask someone how they are, arrange nights out and events, giving myself something to look forward to. And a 5.30pm i'm out the door rushing to meet friends, dance, have fun, flirt and actually live my life.

So on reflection? Do we always need a long holiday to break up life? or can this be achieved by enjoying quality 'me' time throughout the day?

I've never actually felt i needed to get away until now, but i think thats because my 'me' time has dried up and gone. And if i did go away on a long tropical holiday.... everything would be waiting when i got back and thats when the 'holiday blues' kicks in. Trips abroad should be the result of a fantastic lifestyle, not the remedy to a crappy boring one. By making 'life' more like a 'never-ending holiday' you engage in a lifestyle which never loses its value. It feels good and looks good and you tell ppl how good it is. This is attractive. Not just for the things you want, but for bringing into your world people who have the same attitude. Like attracts like and energy builds (physics) .... the city you live in becomes amazing (tourists do visit you know) ..... you meet an amazing bunch of people... get to do the coolest things.... and then write or tell vivid stories about it ;) and all in all the best thing? your life is what you made it. No one else...

And the dating/relationship advice in this post? (well there has to be some)

Well if you need a break i would say you and/or your partner are too focused on one, usually negative, aspect of your love life. Taking a break can be good, as usually the 'missing each other' period can build up attraction again. Going on holiday together can bring a breath of fresh air. But at the end of the day. The problems don't go away. Habits are hard to break and if you are in a rut, most possibly... you will be in a rut again. So what to do? Well change habits slowly but surely. A friend quoted Einstein to me the other day that "Insanity was doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results". So try not to be insane ;) Maybe look for small ways to appreciate each other. Take quality 'dating' time and plan things to look forward to. Communicate small meaningless messages over the course of the day. Do new things together that you;ve never done before. Meet/make new friends. Entertain others at your place. Be spontaneous. Inspire creativity. Put in the effort to make your relationship one long, long honey-moon period.

And realise, sometimes.... there is just no room left for 'what should be', 'what they didn't do', and 'what you need'. All you have is now.

Tomorrow will take care of itself...

Here is a story i read recently by my favorite author 'Paulo Coelho':

I am invited to go to Guncan-Gima, the site of a Zen Buddhist temple. When I get there, I am surprised to see that the extraordinarily beautiful building, which is situated in the middle of a vast forest, is right next to a huge piece of waste ground.

I ask what the waste ground is for and the man in charge explains:

‘That is where we will build the next temple. Every twenty years, we destroy the temple you see before you now and rebuild it again on the site next to it. This means that the monks who have trained as carpenters, stonemasons and architects are always using their practical skills and passing them on to their apprentices. It also shows them that nothing in this life is eternal and that even temples are in need of constant improvement.’

I love that in just a few words he can explain something undeniably profound. Nothing lasts forever and accepting this is the only way to live your life in ultimate freedom. I'm talking of taking risks - starting that new job, travelling to a new country, asking that hot guy out etc... if you are afraid then the only prison holding you back is of your own making. 

And the key to freedom? Accepting that nothing in life is eternal. All we can do is enjoy today. Tomorrow will take care of itself.

How do you define your success?

One of the things i used to love to do is gallop my horse on the beach. Unlike riding in the countryside it is without limitations. For a few seconds you have absolutely no control. You are free to go as fast as your ride can take you. The speed is breath-taking. The feeling is exhilarating. The moment is yours...

Recently i've been looking back at how i used to define my success, and how i was going to achieve it:

When i was a child and growing up i wanted to be a vet. To make my parents proud and have a career doing something loved. I was going to do well at school. Pass all my exams. Excel at study and use my brain to its fullest potential. I wanted to be different. I wanted to prove that i was more.

At college it was my social status on campus. To be the girl that every guy wanted and every girl wanted to be. I wanted to be popular, fashionable, and have it all... a regular modern-day princess. I was going to make friends and be outrageous. Dress to impress and party hard. I wanted to be different. I wanted to prove i had always been more.

In my longest relationship I wanted to be a wife & a mother. Living together was not enough. I wanted to look after the person i loved so much that he would depend on me. I wanted to be his partner, his lover, his best friend all in one. I wanted his devotion and adoration. I wanted to care for him like no one ever did and make him happy. I cooked, cleaned and anticipated his needs. I was there when he lost everything, and stood by him when he got it all back. I wanted us to be different than the rest. I wanted to prove i could keep him.

When my career took off and i began to have faith in myself, i wanted to be rich and highly skilled in anything and everything. I wanted to make a name for myself and feel the security the high value life could bring. I began collecting talents to give myself depth. I started reading & researching everything i could find on whatever had taken my fancy that month. I took a lot on. I created business projects that would work. I planned my path to making millions. I set goals and met them with satisfaction. I knew i would be different. I wanted to prove everyone wrong.

And now? whats this got to do with horse-riding on a beach? Well now my success is not defined by what i know, who i am, who loves me or what i have.... 

i realise i've grown-up a lot in the last year of getting to know myself and i no longer feel the pressure to do any of the things i wanted in the past. In fact there is no hurry. I am exactly where i should be in my life right now. No further a head or behind. I am content to just be. And those things that i felt i wanted or needed so badly. I can have them in a blink of an eye. I can have them all. In fact i already have them. But the key is to know that and live your life like it doesn't matter. I remember i am different. And proof is not needed.

My success is now defined by the answers to the questions i ask myself everyday:

"Do you live wisely? Do you make good choices. Do you love first and foremost? And do you seek to help others to know success too?"

Riding on the beach is a good example of the best way to answer. It's the intense moments we make that will enable us to say "yes... i do". My rule is this. If it makes you happy then go for it. Sort out the logistics later, or not at all ;)

I read everything...

In fact, I love to read. I even read the back of cereal boxes and toothpaste tubes. I consume words. I love the way they sound in my mind. I even re-read books I love just to relish in the way they have been written rather than the story. I read to broaden my mind and open my eyes to a new perspective. The more I read, the more I see and the more choices & experienecs I have to draw on.

The way I see it…. Each book and article, every thought and idea is one piece of a bigger whole. Sometimes the beliefs overlap each other like petals in a flower, sometimes they don't even connect or make sense. I don't think everyone is right, but neither are they wrong. They are observations of what could, might or may be the truth. I take what I like and what fits into my belief, into my reality and the rest is conjecture.

The more I read, the more my mind opens to possibilities and the bigger my picture of the universe grows. I will never focus on one teaching/theory or way of life. All paths lead to the same place, but the journey to get there is the most amazing part and I would get bored with the scenery if I walked the same route the whole way there.

Reading is my life. And now I write in the hope that others will read my words and ponder the thoughts I have to offer.

How to love unconditionally...

Tonight i had visitor. I invited him to dinner mainly out of curiosity. You see his message compelled me to call. All it said was "I realised something today....". 

"So what did you realise?" I asked after waiting patiently most of the night for him to open up. M, with his ability to evade direct questions, said something flippant that made me laugh. I threw the tea towel at him and he smirked... a grin easing on to his beautiful face. 

"I realised a few things, many of them i realised a long time ago, but never felt them until now." I nodded while i drank tea, and stared into his eyes. I could listen to M talk for a lifetime. He sat opposite and talked about how the problems he was facing in life were showing him many things. Indeed he was grateful for them. Life goes in cycles of good and bad, constantly oscillating towards a better understanding of the present. Without each experience there is no comparison or learning and therefore no resolution with our current situation. In fact if we don't have acceptance of it all, we may end up living the same dramas but with different people or environments. Learn what it is you need to learn and change your reaction or repeat the lesson over and over. 

I suddenly felt like i had been chasing my tail with my thoughts most of the week. It was clear that i had fallen into a trap of allowing my mind to convince me i had to win at all costs. Pride is the right hand of even the weakest ego, and i was too proud to let myself down. Or what i felt was 'down', because direction is all in the how your perceive it. In fact i could have been fighting against myself this entire time, like a pet kitten playing with it's reflection. Sometimes it's staring you straight in the face, and you can't see it because your conditioning, your emotional baggage, your disappointments, your own mind.... tells you that you are right. Well maybe you are not right and the only one losing out ends up being you.  

When the mind controls you through fear, when you come from a selfish place... others around you also come from there. It is only when you speak from the heart that you can inspire others to do the same. 

In some ways i don't know how to speak from the heart and i admitted as much to M. His smile seemed to say he expected this question. He reminded me then of unconditional love.

"Imagine two people. One is happy, independent. Complete. Another person comes along who is also happy. Together the energy between them is amazing. The feed off each other and it is almost better than before. Now one will eventually close off to the other if that person is unable to maintain giving. Maybe they are fearful, maybe they need to be in control, maybe they are wanting more... so they stop giving. The other person may respond by also pulling away but what they are doing is mirroring the fearful person and in that way they are bringing themselves down to that level to get attention. And then a drama begins with both people fighting for affection, both unwilling to give freely like before. 

In unconditional love... the person who is less fearful says "here have the energy you want from me. take it"  then refills elsewhere from other things in their life. The have no need to fight for a limited source of love. And this means they can give freely without expectation or need of receiving anything back. In a relationship where both give freely, there is no fear, and therefore no loss. Speaking from the heart is like that. It is selfless."

I pondered his words as he kissed my cheek goodbye. How many times do i say "I" or "Me" when i think or speak..... 

randomly there are 20 "I"s & 4 "me"s in this post.

Something to tell our friends...

I have been @ the lovely Westfield shopping with Cartoonist Guy. He is Italian so he is a good shopping partner. We exit the train sharing a joke. He is making fun of my inability to walk without bumping into strange people and that i seem to stop listening while he is talking about serious things. He says i am like a child. I shove him playfully but the smell of burning makes my nose wrinkle. All around my area the air is filled with a thick smoke. Its coming from the coca-cola building. Luckily there is a fire station, police station & hospital all within yards... 

Still the drama is exciting. Crowds of people gather snapping away with their camera phones. The buzz makes an otherwise normal walk from the tube station into an event. Cartoonist guy guides me through the crowds making sure we follow the masses in the right direction. We have been diverted. We talk non-stop about the possibilities of the fire and the fuss everyone is making. It will be on the news.

I'm reminded of an ancient Chinese proverb... "may you live in interesting times". Even bad news is still news. The only news that sells, or so i'm told... unless its about sport. Makes me wonder what that says about humanity if we desire to hear more of the suffering & scandal in others peoples lives rather than the good. Do we compare it to our own and feel blessed for being better off? Or does it strengthen our feeling of compassion & community in the face of tragedy?

It may very well be both, and even though a fire is not a good thing, it is something to tell our friends.