How dominant should a guy be in a relationship... or every girl wants a white knight

Take 'blue-eyed guy'... im going to call him that because his other nickname is just too mean. I met him at bar through mutual friends. He seemed nice, a little young for me but only by a year or so. It was his eyes that did it. I'm a sucker for a pair of baby blues and his are dark blue and twinkle like big stars when he grins. I let him take my number mid-conversation flow.... first big mistake!, I should have waited until we at least stood up first. We went to leave and i found that he was at least 2 inches shorter than me. Yes, yes i know height isnt everything and i was wearing mega call-girl heels that night, but 2inches!!

To alleviate the pain of this and to give him a sporting chance... i searched everywhere in the shops for a pair or sexy flats to wear for our 'first date'. Conclusion - there are no such things as 'sexy flats'. Ok then, heels it is. In honour of that decision i decided to go all out and wear my new, deliciously sexy, over the knee boots, teamed a cute nautical date dress (that could be considered a shirt by some but sod it who cares), some dangly earring and a few well placed curles to volumize my hair.... one last look in the mirror confirmed i should have been wearing a warning sign saying 'too hot to handle'. Maybe it was overkill for a first date with a guy that probably wont see ever again, but girl has to look good right? And you never know who you might meet. Rule no.1, always be prepared.

But i should have known better. From the get go it was a non-starter. I just couldn't get past the height issue. I love that feeling of being safe with my guy, and if i can see over the top of his head how can he protect me from anything? I kept wanting to pat his head like his big sister.

You see the man in the relationship has to have the illusion of courage and power, or at least some sort of dominance. Otherwise the relationship runs the risk role reversal, where she ends up wearing the trousers after losing respect and confidence in him as a man. Some women don't mind short men as this doesn't trigger an automatic loss of respect, but for me it doesn't sit well with my notion of a guy that can take care of me. Its what i'm not attracted to and i can't change that despite all those really cool guys out there that just don't make it to the 6ft mark.

Still i tried but the crunch came when he came to kiss me and i had to lean down to meet his lips. Ewww factor big time. Hastily made my excuses and ran for it.

But its not just height... there are other factors too. I've dated a guy who had issues with drugs and drinking. Watching him break someone's arm because the guy look at you or sitting in some strangers house while he deals coke made me feel vulnerable and scared. Even though he was taller than me, and stronger in every way... his lack of self control or willpower made me feel unsafe.

At the end of the day the guy you choose has to be able to gain your trust and induce the right attractors to make you feel comfortable around him. Its a fine line really and i have asked myself...

where does "dominance start to be become a weakness?"

In this age of equality, women want to be treated the same as men. but theres a catch. We also want to be respected as women. Its confusing for a guy right? how dominant should i get with her. If i relent will she see that as a sign of weakness or will she think i'm a cold, callus bastard?

No man wants to see contempt or even worse disappointment in the eyes of a girl he's trying to love. Its like a hand of death. He wants to be your white knight, and if a girl admires him he will do anything to keep that admiration.

Being a girl i can vouch and say that boys most of the time you'll get it wrong because you think theres a magic formula to get her to adore you. There isn't.... Its a case of understanding her fears and not taking her questions or insecurity as a personal sleight on you but not letting her walk all over you either. Thats when she will realise you are her rock and the adoration will come naturally, when she can depend on you to always be the same strong foundation, whatever the weather.

So the questions remains, what is the right amount of dominance in relationships? Well in my opinion a guy can push beyond what he thinks of as being too dominant, as long as it doesn't infringe on her rights...

1. Not being afraid to physically show you are present - theres a difference between man-handling her and being firm. Holding her waist, touching briefly upper arm, leading her to your destination by the hand, gently pulling her hair back while you kiss... these gestures tell her you are in the room and are confident enough to close that gap in personal space without being asked.

2. Asserting your opinion and sticking to it - If its important to you don't relent, but don't be a bully and give her the silent treatment afterward. You've made your point, now drop it. Otherwise its like the male version of nagging. Reward her for listening to you or she'll just start to avoid causing any clash in the future for fear of you retreating into your shell.

3. Being a leader and making choices for both of you - the small choices though, not the big ones. Its nice when you decide on the restaurant or what colour dress she looks better in, but not deciding on who her friends should be or where you should live.

4. Looking out for her and taking her side - loyalty is important for making a girl feel safe. She has to know you've got her back whatever happens, against friends, against family etc. At least be neutral. Your her champion remember...

5. Being confident enough to hold your own in her environment- don't get cocky and showoff or be rude to her friends as a way to hide your 'out of your depth feeling' and don't stick by her side all night either. Find a couple of people you know to chat with and just don't get too drunk so that she can have the freedom to relax and let loose.

6. And lastly don't hesitate - just do it, say it and be it already. very very attractive quality.

Lx

The power of the small things (like little kisses xx)

Finally i feel like i can breathe!

I moved in to my new flat a month ago and between the reels of xmas fairly lights and endless trips to consumer-hell that is ikea, its only just coming together. If fact its almost perfect ;)

Still according to Maslow's Hierarchy of Human Needs i've been slumming along at the bottom of the pyramid for quite some time now and as a direct result... everything else has suffered, especially the little projects i've been nurturing to fruition all these months (including this blog!).

But now im all settled and cosy i can at last take a look at introducing some damage limitation, such as reconnecting with clients, chasing up those loose ends, planning, writing and creating... I feel creative again. Its like i can't stop smiling and everyone keeps asking me why i'm so happy. Its just because i'm settled, safe and secure. You see while i was homeless nothing else seemed important. I needed a roof over my head, and not knowing the details put a lot of things into perspective. In fact i realise how much i took the small things for granted, like knowing where everything i own was and being able to get to it easily, and going home to the privacy of "my room", cooking in my kitchen instead of eating out... those sorts of things.

And as always its also the small things that men do that make a difference, well to me anyway... like he remembered what i said in passing 2 weeks ago, he cuts the tomatoes exactly how i like them, he called me when he landed at the airport just so i wouldn't worry, etc.

But the smallest has to be the "xxxx's" at the end of his messages. Take this new ad from blackberry for example:

Do What You Love, Lo..

We watch while the couple argue because he is late, she storms off likely to never speak to him again, but then changes her mind and comes back to him... but only AFTER he messages her.

I'm that girl. Put me in front of a guy trying to say sorry and its embarrassing and confrontational. For me communication is not always better in person, especially if feelings are involved. The hardest for me often saying sorry (i hate to admit i'm wrong). The words stick in my throat, i get teary, i avoid eye contact... its not pretty.

Lucky for me messaging has given us a "get out of jail free card". We can dress the words in any way we want and make it sweeter and funnier just by adding a cute wink or a couple of xx's in such a way to assist communications rather than limit it. Whatever has happened... say your bf forgot to call you back or is busy, those little x's tend to soften the blow to the extent that the words are meaningless.

The funniest thing is that my guy has realised just how golden a few xx's are with me. I'm a sucker for sweet talk and if there is any disappointment, suddenly all IMs are littered with a kiss or two at the end of every sentence. I don't know why they work but they do, even though most of us use them for friendships all the time. They should be meaningless.... i mean its just one little letter for goodness sake, but they aren't - to most girls a small "x" means hes affectionate, sorry and sincere all at the same time.

Now i'm wondering if there are magic letters for men that could 'say' as much? Other than *ahem* a "b" and a "j" of course :$

Probably not...

A girl's perspective on... "Breakthrough Comfort"

In the male dominated community based on female psychology for dating and relationships, Breakthrough Comfort is the term to describe the fundamentals behind creating a deep and lasting emotional connection with a girl.... in other words 'how to make her fall in love with you'.

In my view successful dating requires a mix of two - attraction (desire for control) and comfort (intense feel-good emotions). Combined you should have in most cases an interesting cocktail for flirty fun with almost anyone you choose. This being that you know what you are doing...

In my experience 'attraction' is the easier of the two to create, And also get over. I've never cried at night over a losing the attention of a rich guy or a man who had all the girls. But comfort is a nasty bitch waiting to happen. On its own its creepy and clingy and all the 'too-nice-guys' have it in spades... but combine it with a healthy dose of 'attraction', and the push-pull effect comes into play on a larger scale than just plain-jane 'hot & cold'.

Why? Well lets look at what a girl really wants. Simply to quote Julia Roberts 'We want the fairytale'... a strong white knight (attraction: power & status) coming to rescue us (comfort: big strong guy saves the fragile princess) on a white horse (comfort: awww, he likes animals too *simper*) from a very tall tower (attraction: dangerous & risky, he must be brave) who will whisk us away into the sunset to live happily ever after (comfort: he sees that we're special, no one else). In other words.... we want the cool guy to fall in love with us.

Breakthrough Comfort suggests techniques that convince a girl the guy in question is 'falling' for her. Women spend a lot of time dissecting a guy's behaviour. We have 'sweet' actions (this proves he loves me) and 'indifferent' actions (he doesn't care about me). Now for comfort to work there has to be both types of actions, because 'sweet' actions mean more at the end of the day if they are few and far between... but there has to be just enough to keep the girl from thinking the guy is callus bastard.

Ok so guys i bet you're thinking 'wow this sounds great'... but seriously i can vouch for the pain caused if they are not meant for something long-lasting and real:

While i adore the effect and feeling of 'deep-comfort' when its directed toward me (what girl wouldn't want a guy she is attracted to kiss her forehead affectionately, or stare into her eyes like he's lost in them)... they don't belong in a fling or other casual dalliances. Us girls convince ourselves that when a guy acts this way there can be no other reason other than he 'feels' a deep connection (translation: he is in love) and we see these few and far between actions as proof he is just in denial or afraid (translation: he needs reassurance before he can commit). We then relax and open our hearts and start to 'trust', because after the big-bad world has abused us its nice to know there is one big strong guy out there who will make it better. The only drawback is women don't close off their emotions very easily once the floodgates have opened, like men do. We take a long time warming up, but the cool-off can be forest fire. (a word of warning: some women are not emotional stable to handle rejection after this = bunny boiler time)

Breakthrough Comfort may be the the 'key' to getting her to fall in love with you, but i know honesty, attraction and light-hearted flirting work better at maintaining long term flings. Women these days are able to enjoy casual sex if we know the score all the way through the game. We like being able to detach and have fun without engaging our emotions too. Guys, please don't pull the wool over our eyes and let your deep-down insecurities (wanting everyone to like you/love you and needing emotional approval) create a situation you can't handle further down the line.

But if you want to break hearts then go for it, but i believe karma is a bitch who doesn't forget being scorned.