Is he the right guy for you.... or how to spot a flake

Sometimes dating can be a mine-field of confusion, and often i get asked "how do i know he's the right guy for me?" or "how do i spot a flake?" Actually both questions do not always have the same answer. Just because a guy isn't a flake, doesn't mean he's the right guy for you.... if he's committed and emotionally mature enough to be with you, there are other factors that can put a girl off. I should know!

But a 'flakey' guy in any shape or form, even if you 'connect' and get on so well with each other, is never going to be 'right'. Any guy who wants to casually date or happy to dally in an emotionally uncommitted way is wasting your time. Even if he could be right for you in the future... now is where you are at.

So... how does a girl spot a flake? And if he is one... how does a girl deal with that?!

Well the first one comes with experience. Its only after dating a flake, giving him time and energy, can you really, really tell... and later start ditching any guy with a smidgen of 'flakey' traits. Forget about 'he's just not into you'... think of it as more 'he's so not right for you right now' (unless of course you're actually looking for that kinda thing. but i've never met a girl who doesn't want an emotional connection - hands up if i'm wrong though!).

In my experience there are various stages of flake... most extreme is the player who flirts, takes a number but never even arranges a date! and at the other end of the scale is the headf*ck who will go as far as dating you exclusively but introduce you as his 'friend' and never really make you feel like its going anywhere... every thing else between these two is a degree of flakiness that also confuses, frustrates and angers the hell out of a girl.

So whats with the flakiness? Well schools of thought paint a picture of guys who aren't so into a girl but love the ego boost, to guys that just like dating, guys who are afraid of commitment and the loss of freedom that comes with it, and even guys who see detachment and lack of emotion as a strength, something to maintain and return to when a relationship gets overwhelming.

And what about us women. Why does this frustrate the hell out of us? Why do girls not get flaky? I think we do get flakey, especially if the guy isn't really doing it for us emotionally and physically. However us girls can develop an emotional connection through a physical one over time so if a guy puts enough hours in, and she'll sleep with him.... there will come a time when the tables will turn and she's chasing him. Trouble is for girls we seem to focus on end goals too much and want to be further into the connection (once we decide there can be one of course!) than we are. Instead of being in the here and now, focusing on the fun, attraction and the flirtiness that initially attracted a guy to her in the first place. For the many reasons i listed earlier, he pulls away, isn't so sure anymore. She starts to nag about the lack of closeness - which he interprets as a lack on his part, him not being enough - all of which could be avoided if he didn't take it as a 'sleight' on him, realise she was just expressing her fears, took her in his arms and closed the gap physically, reassuring her with some sweet words, or she could see how he would perceive it as nagging/pressure, making him feel not good enough for her, and maybe reach out and touch him affectionately instead, seeking her own closeness - this is how emotionally mature couples in a trusting/loving relationship tend to act or should act, a flake on the other hand never would...

So back to how to spot a flake! The less committed a guy is the easier to spot right. If he doesn't call or breaks off dates all the time he's just wasting your time - ditch! Its harder when the lines are not so clear cut. His behaviour is confusing. Well not anymore.

Tried and tested, here are the signs of a emotionally unavailable flake:

Physical Closeness - you have this in spades. you guys are 'hot!' he's all over you. but you mainly see him in your bed (or his) and no many place else. in fact its the only thing you seem to have going for you both

Words - he tells you how amazing you are all the time. and makes it sound like an expression of 'love'. But is hardly interested you as a person, or your life, and most probably doesn't see you as his gf when everyone but him knows it. did i not mention words are cheap. especially as men have this ability to 'mean' what they say at the time, but change their minds as often as their pants.

Compartmentalizing - you never meet his friends/family and he keeps you separate from everything he regards as 'close' to him in his life. this means he can drop you like a hot rock if need be, and he gets his freedom

Quality Time (not intimate ones) - these are few and far between. you don't experience many things together and your relationship lacks shared times/memories/places/events. he doesn't book you in for future events, unless its a booty call and makes you feel uncertain about if he wants to see you again the moment he walks out the door

Gifts/Services - he never buys you gifts (even if its just a token like a kinder egg!) or invest any of his hard earned cash on you, or ever gone out of his way to do something nice for you. people who are smitten think of nice things to do and give tokens of appreciation

Campaigning - he only wants you to see the polished side of him and if arguments or bad times do arise... he may punish you for the drama, disagreeing or being upset by cutting off his attention and affection for you by suddenly being unavailable/busy. you're unable to talk about your 'feelings' for fear of making him angry and going awol

So there they are, what to look for. Some guys will have just one or two of these traits, maybe he just lacks a bit of emotional maturity for his age.... but if a guy has at least 4-6 of these bad habits i'm sorry to say with you are with a guy who has the emotional maturity of a 14 year old boy.

What to do then? How do you deal with this kind of flake? Even if he's 100% committed to you and only you, there aren't any other girls on the horizon, this guy is not giving you everything you need to feel secure in a trusting, loving relationship, and bound to make you ask more than usual 'where the hell is this going' and make you feel 'insecure'. Guys like this may not even realise they are doing it, but for a woman its soul destroying not to get what she needs while he's getting his. And long-term... can make a girl lose her confidence and drive.

If he's a 4-6 pointer i'd have to say get rid girl. He's not worth the effort. When you do meet a guy who ticks neither of those boxes, who is emotionally mature enough to deal with a girl's feelings and needs... its amazing. I can't stress enough that women blame themselves too much for 'acting a girl' or 'being too insecure', but they hardly look at the men who culture this behaviour in women, the men who take no responsibility for their actions by saying 'if you feel that way, thats your problem not mine'.

A relationship is two people. Find a guy that knows that and invest your energy in fun, flirty goodness and leave the 'flakes' to deal with their issues.... god knows they have a hell of a lot more than you.

Lx

The real reason why women flake...

So one minute everything is going well and you manage to hook a first/second date with that girl you really like. You're texting, flirting, looking forward to seeing how far she'll let you go when u finally meet... and then like a lightbulb (or an oven) she no longer seems turned-on and interested, and even worse she cancels or flakes out on your date.

So what went wrong?

Boys, quite simply.... she has no emotional investment in you - the only reason a girl would continue to spend time on any guy, despite how much attraction you're pulling.

Let me explain... us girls, we love to talk and 'connect'. Something almost akin to a myth among men that they often mistake having a connection with doing either of the following:

'relentless grilling in the quest to know everything about her' (boring)

'uninvited sexual flirting that makes her skin crawl' (slimey/gross)

or

ditch the 'connection' side of things and hope that by not texting/flirting before the date she'll still want to meet.

In all cases forget it. I'll give you some examples:

The 'i cant be bothered to create a connection' technique

A guy i met once contacted me after he got back from travelling. We were in contact when he was away but to be honest his emails were so 'today we went skiing and saw the indigenous monkeys that lived in the undergrowth of blah, blah..' that shamefully i used to delete them before i read them just to have free space in my inbox again.

Anyway he got back and text me to straight away to meet up. I remembered he was cute and said 'cool' as at the time i was willing give him a chance and to re-acquaint myself with his personality. Me, i like to 'look forward' to meeting a guy and that means i want to have a smile on my face when his name pops up in my messages. Only i never got to a 'smile' with him... more of a half cheek twitch that is kinda like a silent 'meh' only with less effort.

His mistake was no matter how much i tried to keep flirty banter going on msn or email, he cut it short everytime. In the end even i did not know why i had agreed to meet up when the time came and was unwilling to waste an evening with someone who didn't seem to want to indulge in some lighthearted flirting with me in any shape or form. It was like a blind date only worse cos i was worried that i hadn't forgotten his personality... maybe he just didn't have one?

The 'do you know what i want to do to you' technique:

Another example is a close friend of mine met a guy who seemed really nice. She was initially attracted to him and actually was looking forward to setting another date, when a few days later he asked her if she wanted to know what he was thinking about. The conversation had been about weekend so she wasn't prepared for him to get sexual without her initiating that sort of chat first. She said 'sure' and regretted it almost immediately when he proceeded to tell her in glorious detail what he wanted to do to her right now. She was at work and it was 10am and she hadn't even kissed this guy yet. It was an immediate turn off.

The 'question tennis or i'm practicing to be a hairdresser' technique

Guys who want to date me have this really bad habit of adding me on msn and then grilling me non-stop about my life. I get so bored i tend to switch off and revert to one word answers. If i want to talk about myself i would ping a friend or write in my blog. It usually starts with 'how are you' and the they move on to ask about work, your house, your brother and sister, your pet hamster, your msn status, your weekend, your holiday... and politely you end up saying 'lol' or 'u?' so the poor guy isn't just talking to himself.

One guy actually persisted every day for over a year until he finally asked for my phone number. Sometimes i feel bad that i'm not giving these nice guys a chance so in this instance i actually did. Weeks later he was still texting the same style of text over and over - the kind that i find i stop reading they are so boring and never have time to answer.

"how are you. did you have a good weekend/holiday/new year. fancy meeting up?"

To his credit he was persistant... but nothing he said made me laugh or made me feel good. He was asking a question only friends and family could ask and get away with it. Put it this way.... im only going to spend the required minutes telling a 'real' friend how i was and if i had a good holiday or whatever because they've invested time and effort and we've shared many nice memories together. If a guy i've met once or twice and emailed a few times gets my number he is not a friend, he is a potential 'date' and so does not get that sort of treatment straight away. He has to earn my interest enough to give a decent and honest reply otherwise its similar situation to when you're stuck in the lift with a colleague at work - you start a conversation about the weather to be polite... but really you don't care to know the answer and just want to listen to your ipod.

So how can you create an 'emotional investment' so she will be looking forward to the date?

1) Keep it kid-level and light-hearted. Don't ask her any 'meaning of life' questions that require a serious answer too soon, not unless u want to develop a friendship. She has plenty of 'real' friends to talk to about that stuff and later you can inch into that as a padding out of the relationship. For now, in the initial stages, you're there to provide a fun, flirty distraction from the mundane everyday so she'll associate you with good times. You don't have to be a comedian and make jokes, but try chatting about topics that are 'abstract' and 'interesting', like fun facts, stupid/weird things you see, random links, making choices, picture messages, challenges etc

2) Don't initiate anything 'naughty' in your chat unless you've already slept together, or at least kissed. Especially if she hasn't taken the conversation there herself, try not to make suggestions like 'dress code: as little as possible' or 'cocktails: screaming orgasms'. Not that these are instant turn-offs but it makes a girl think 'ok now im not so sure about you'. This is because if you're not careful words to that effect can alert a girl on her 'guy who is only after one thing' radar and she'll wonder if you think shes so easy that you have the balls to say that to her and expect a reply. Even worse is when a guy goes all out and starts telling her his fantasies.... like what were you thinking? Text of course makes it less awkward to say stuff but if you couldn't say it to her face then don't say it at all.

Of course to keep from ending up in the friends zone she has to know you find her attractive and want to sleep with her still. There are ways to make your admiration known, like calling her 'sexy' or 'gorgeous' or mentioning how hot she looks in her dress/picture... the key is to compliment at the same time. No girl can resist that ;)

3) Stay in light contact. If you want to be in the forefront of her mind and get her thinking of when she'll see you next, don't disappear for 3 weeks without a word. You need to keep the fire burning, or at least the ashes warm. Of course its good to keep it sporadic, but anything more than about 3-5 days of not hearing from you will make her anxious, and over a week is asking for trouble. Now i know everyone is busy and im not saying you need to initiate a full blown flirting phone call every 3 days.... a random text/email or pic msg is cute and fun enough to keep her chomping at the bit for more. Don't over do it either. Contact her for a few days in a row then disappear for the weekend. One night chat for a few hours on the phone, another day send her a video clip link in an email. You shouldn't spoil the mystery of who you are in the first week of meeting by being predictable or by telling her everything there is to know about you. Drip in the actual facts about yourself over time, interspersed between random flirty chats about nothing in particular. It keeps the dating fresh and interesting and she'll never know what to expect.

And finally never forget the things she tells you, try not to cancel twice in a row... and kiss her as soon as possible or risk ending up in the friends zone if you don't.

Lx