Is he the right guy for you.... or how to spot a flake

Sometimes dating can be a mine-field of confusion, and often i get asked "how do i know he's the right guy for me?" or "how do i spot a flake?" Actually both questions do not always have the same answer. Just because a guy isn't a flake, doesn't mean he's the right guy for you.... if he's committed and emotionally mature enough to be with you, there are other factors that can put a girl off. I should know!

But a 'flakey' guy in any shape or form, even if you 'connect' and get on so well with each other, is never going to be 'right'. Any guy who wants to casually date or happy to dally in an emotionally uncommitted way is wasting your time. Even if he could be right for you in the future... now is where you are at.

So... how does a girl spot a flake? And if he is one... how does a girl deal with that?!

Well the first one comes with experience. Its only after dating a flake, giving him time and energy, can you really, really tell... and later start ditching any guy with a smidgen of 'flakey' traits. Forget about 'he's just not into you'... think of it as more 'he's so not right for you right now' (unless of course you're actually looking for that kinda thing. but i've never met a girl who doesn't want an emotional connection - hands up if i'm wrong though!).

In my experience there are various stages of flake... most extreme is the player who flirts, takes a number but never even arranges a date! and at the other end of the scale is the headf*ck who will go as far as dating you exclusively but introduce you as his 'friend' and never really make you feel like its going anywhere... every thing else between these two is a degree of flakiness that also confuses, frustrates and angers the hell out of a girl.

So whats with the flakiness? Well schools of thought paint a picture of guys who aren't so into a girl but love the ego boost, to guys that just like dating, guys who are afraid of commitment and the loss of freedom that comes with it, and even guys who see detachment and lack of emotion as a strength, something to maintain and return to when a relationship gets overwhelming.

And what about us women. Why does this frustrate the hell out of us? Why do girls not get flaky? I think we do get flakey, especially if the guy isn't really doing it for us emotionally and physically. However us girls can develop an emotional connection through a physical one over time so if a guy puts enough hours in, and she'll sleep with him.... there will come a time when the tables will turn and she's chasing him. Trouble is for girls we seem to focus on end goals too much and want to be further into the connection (once we decide there can be one of course!) than we are. Instead of being in the here and now, focusing on the fun, attraction and the flirtiness that initially attracted a guy to her in the first place. For the many reasons i listed earlier, he pulls away, isn't so sure anymore. She starts to nag about the lack of closeness - which he interprets as a lack on his part, him not being enough - all of which could be avoided if he didn't take it as a 'sleight' on him, realise she was just expressing her fears, took her in his arms and closed the gap physically, reassuring her with some sweet words, or she could see how he would perceive it as nagging/pressure, making him feel not good enough for her, and maybe reach out and touch him affectionately instead, seeking her own closeness - this is how emotionally mature couples in a trusting/loving relationship tend to act or should act, a flake on the other hand never would...

So back to how to spot a flake! The less committed a guy is the easier to spot right. If he doesn't call or breaks off dates all the time he's just wasting your time - ditch! Its harder when the lines are not so clear cut. His behaviour is confusing. Well not anymore.

Tried and tested, here are the signs of a emotionally unavailable flake:

Physical Closeness - you have this in spades. you guys are 'hot!' he's all over you. but you mainly see him in your bed (or his) and no many place else. in fact its the only thing you seem to have going for you both

Words - he tells you how amazing you are all the time. and makes it sound like an expression of 'love'. But is hardly interested you as a person, or your life, and most probably doesn't see you as his gf when everyone but him knows it. did i not mention words are cheap. especially as men have this ability to 'mean' what they say at the time, but change their minds as often as their pants.

Compartmentalizing - you never meet his friends/family and he keeps you separate from everything he regards as 'close' to him in his life. this means he can drop you like a hot rock if need be, and he gets his freedom

Quality Time (not intimate ones) - these are few and far between. you don't experience many things together and your relationship lacks shared times/memories/places/events. he doesn't book you in for future events, unless its a booty call and makes you feel uncertain about if he wants to see you again the moment he walks out the door

Gifts/Services - he never buys you gifts (even if its just a token like a kinder egg!) or invest any of his hard earned cash on you, or ever gone out of his way to do something nice for you. people who are smitten think of nice things to do and give tokens of appreciation

Campaigning - he only wants you to see the polished side of him and if arguments or bad times do arise... he may punish you for the drama, disagreeing or being upset by cutting off his attention and affection for you by suddenly being unavailable/busy. you're unable to talk about your 'feelings' for fear of making him angry and going awol

So there they are, what to look for. Some guys will have just one or two of these traits, maybe he just lacks a bit of emotional maturity for his age.... but if a guy has at least 4-6 of these bad habits i'm sorry to say with you are with a guy who has the emotional maturity of a 14 year old boy.

What to do then? How do you deal with this kind of flake? Even if he's 100% committed to you and only you, there aren't any other girls on the horizon, this guy is not giving you everything you need to feel secure in a trusting, loving relationship, and bound to make you ask more than usual 'where the hell is this going' and make you feel 'insecure'. Guys like this may not even realise they are doing it, but for a woman its soul destroying not to get what she needs while he's getting his. And long-term... can make a girl lose her confidence and drive.

If he's a 4-6 pointer i'd have to say get rid girl. He's not worth the effort. When you do meet a guy who ticks neither of those boxes, who is emotionally mature enough to deal with a girl's feelings and needs... its amazing. I can't stress enough that women blame themselves too much for 'acting a girl' or 'being too insecure', but they hardly look at the men who culture this behaviour in women, the men who take no responsibility for their actions by saying 'if you feel that way, thats your problem not mine'.

A relationship is two people. Find a guy that knows that and invest your energy in fun, flirty goodness and leave the 'flakes' to deal with their issues.... god knows they have a hell of a lot more than you.

Lx

Communications Barriers Part 1 - 'Understanding women, their need to talk and what they want'

Theres an issue/drama/miscommunication.... whatever. The first thing that happens? Women get upset, and the one thing they want to do is talk about it.

Why? Well it makes us feel better... And by talking about a problem and how we feel, we think that we'll eventually understand what went wrong in the first place. Its also about about having a safe space to open up, be understood and trust the other person not to punish us for being honest about our fears.

Men, as most of you know, deal with their emotions internally. Its not often a guy will call up his friends to 'talk' about how he feels. In fact most men find this type of analytical approach draining and if he's an emotionally stunted individual he'll call it 'drama' and avoid it all together.

Still even if he's a cool guy and willing to listen, its not fair to take him on the same rollercoaster ride of emotions as we experience it. 1. He wont be able to follow your breakneck speed of processing everything at once and will get confused. And 2. He'll either shut down completely or try an placate you with the phrase "i'll do what you want".

Killer that isnt it Girls?

So part 1 of this article is written for men on 'understanding women' and how not to get to the 'upset' part in the first place. Hopefully some of it will stick.

Rule 1. Simply to women... 'everything has a meaning'

Men let me explain. Why she feels the need to talk is because (stupidly) she has given a whole range of reasons to every action you do (or don't do) and a double meaning behind everything you say (or don't say). Women just do this... don't ask why.

If for any reason she is feeling low/emotional (say time of the month or bad day at work) then that reason may turn out to be negative one. After a while the negative reasons build up, proving to her in a way you'll never understand, that you don't love her or care for her, until she needs you to reassure her with a 'talk' to make her feel better...

An example of this negative association:

Her: hey so do you need me to pick you up from the airport?
Him: what? oh no its ok now, John will drive up
Her: oh ok... are you sure
Him: yeah its fine. Don't trouble yourself.

*In her mind the reason is you either don't want to see her and spend time with her or don't think she can do the job as good as john.

Now all this anxiety on her part can be dispersed by simply adding the reason in yourself straight away:

Her: hey so do you need me to pick you up from the airport?
Him: what? oh no its ok now. John will drive up, but only because i know you have work in the morning and as much as i'd love to see you, i may be a bit grumpy after the flight and i'd hate for you to have to deal with me when i'm like that.
Her: oh of course, i understand. I just wanted to see you.
Him: I know. We'll do something when i get back ok.

So if you don't give her a meaning she will look for one or make one out of thin air or even worse... her girlfriends will tell what the meaning is and it'll be 100x worse that the real reason (and thats when you need to be digging your grave).

Rule 2. Never say "I'll do what you want"

I understand men want to make women happy. And that means finding out what they want and giving it to them right? So asking a girl "what do you want?" and then doing it seems like the best solution to the problem....

Wrong. It will never work because again she will assign a reason to that type of behaviour and if she is feeling low/emotional at the time (and usually when guys reach this point the girl is a mess of tears and stuff) then she will give it a negative reason. That reason is 'he doesn't care what he does because he doesn't really care about me'...

Ok thats a hard one. To a guy its logical. Its what you'd love to hear a girl say to you... but seriously you're putting what you'd want on her and expecting her to like it. Women need to feel that the guy cares and if you push all the responsibility of 'what to do'... whether it be a simple thing like what movie to see or something serious like staying friends after a breakup... she will see that as you don't. Because for women, taking responsibility requires effort, and effort to understand her and know her well means you care a hell of a lot.

So how do you find out what to do? And i know you don't because so many times a guy has said to me "I can't win!"... My advice is to tell her what you want (with reasons!) and then let her decide if she wants to go along with it or not.

Rule 3. Don't punish her or take it personally if she wants to tell you how she feels about the relationship

Some men have this habit of thinking they are 'easy-going' or 'laid-back'. To women this feels like they are cold and distant, cut off from their feelings. They'll punish a girl by saying comments like 'oh just chill out', 'stop nagging' or 'don't worry so much'.... and even worse just avoid her or refuse to engage, staring at her behind a mask of complete aloofness. This type of guy shifts the blame of the issue on to the girl by making her feel that she is 'wrong' to get so upset and that she is causing 'unnecessary drama'.

Sometimes that is the case... women can be drama queens i agree. But its all about balance. If she has shown to be understanding in the past, tolerated difficult behaviour from you on numerous occasions, then a drama queen she isn't. Talk in a relationship should be more than just about fun or sex and shouldn't be taken as a criticism by him when she is only expressing her fears.

Without going into detail on how to deal with her emotions on a mature level... I'll leave you with an article on the 3 signs of a healthy mature man. It should give you some tips on what women are looking for and its written by a guy of course so im hoping it will make more sense to the male brain than my girly chatter.
http://www.datingquestionsforwomen.com/3-signs-of-a-healthy-mature-man

Right enough beating up the men ;) part 2 will attempt to understand why guys do what they do and will follow shortly... stay tuned.

Lx

Rules of the game: understanding women of the digital age... because some men still don't

You know one thing that strikes me as a 'no-brainer' is what women want, but thats probably because i'm in a very good position to know... i am one. Sure there are a lot of ebooks and material to share on the subject of female psychology. I know. I've read a lot! But its seriously lacking and i'll tell you why.

Women don't know what they want.

So how can a guy who has had luck sleeping with a ballpark of women know anything more about female desires than the women themselves? Truth is he can't... all he knows is how to score by making her feel like she knows what she wants at that time - him. Its manipulation of feelings and thoughts that drive a girl to 'want' a guy. Don't get me wrong, i'm not saying its bad... in fact every close and personal situation we encounter is a manipulation of sorts. Today i made a guy behind the food counter feel good about himself by being friendly and chatty. I gave him positive emotions which caused him to 'want' to serve me well. He did and we both walked away happy. Emotions are contagious and breed more of the same, and you can bring more of the same about just by allowing their very existence in your life. Even negative...

But such emotional exchanges, for want of a better label, need to have balance. A mutual acceptance of terms. Kinda like agreeing to 'play a game' by the rules dictated (unspoken) at the start. So for in order for the situation with the food counter guy to go smoothly, i had to give him something... i had to give him a good feeling and my attention. That took effort and energy on my part, so as not to appear false. He then agreed without needing to verbalise it to serve me in a pleasant and efficient manner.

It seems we enter all sorts of 'games' or unspoken contracts in life (Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne)... with our parents, with our managers, various games with different types of friends, and quite heavily with our lovers.

Usually the games are played out fairly with everyone taking their role and giving back as much as they get. However problems and broken contracts arise when the rules get twisted and negative outcomes occur. This happens when the 'manipulations' become more selfish. One person seeking to gain more or 'win' by force rather than allow the other to give freely, or just not giving or playing by the rules anymore. And this is why even if you 'know' what you must do to maintain balance within the relationship... your ego (whether it be a needy or overbearing one) can get in the way and mess things up.

Your limbic brain, also known as "lizard" or "reptilian" brain is the part of your mind that works beyond judgment and logic. It makes snap decisions needed in times of stress (fight or flight) and these are always very selfish because they exist only for survival. They are always negative and self-serving actions that don't take others into consideration. They can't, you have to protect you and you only so once this system engages... you will not be understanding to the needs and feelings of anyone else (bar maybe your offspring).

In times of extreme emotion or stress the limbic brain is often the part of you that takes over. Its the part of you that says those nasty retorts, gets hysterical and teary or runs away from the hurt (most women) or gets defensive and cold, shuts your emotional system down and cuts off all communication (most men). I've found myself doing some or all of these things when pushed into a corner, and only afterwards i've calmed down and gone "oh why the hell did i go off the rail like that?". It also seems the more familiar and comfortable the relationship, the lower the barrier you have shielding your limbic brain from the rest of your body... i'm not sure why this is. Maybe closer relationships have the ability to engage deeper more stressful conditions? Or maybe the hurt is so unexpected from someone so dear to you that the shock brings forward your most instinctive, most protective reaction?

So how do you keep a well deserving balance and not let your lizard brain do the talking? Well i've found that taking a break from the situation helps or bringing in a third perspective. The major problem i've found with both these scenarios is that this relies on the women to 'see' sense first and be the one with more understanding. Women are more likely to want to deal with the 'drama' straight away because their emotions are closer to the surface. Men on the other hand close off and deal with it later. So commonly women are required to ignore their natural instincts when in a stressful situation. This doesn't mean that men are reacting the right way, because more than likely they are avoiding the issue more than going away and thinking things through. But more often than not women are expected to comply with adapting to a man's world because men don't waste energy unnecessarily. But what if i was to say that it is necessary to make a women feel 'safe' about taking a time-out. We're so scared men will make us forget there was a bad feeling in the first place. Men are good at that. Thats why we cling on so tenaciously. We need that security. We need to know we can talk about it later and have our voice heard. Why don't men know this already?

All i get told is that women are irrational and dramatic and need to "just be cool" about things. I know us girls get 'over-emotional' and 'needy' and should calm down sometimes... but surely its a two way process? Why can't they men "understand women more" and realise we try so hard to be so tough and independent so much, all day long... that sometimes all we want is reassurance and guy's shoulder to cry on. I mean we're happy to live in an age where women are equal and all that shit.

We can cope with getting our own bookcases and building them, we can move house on our own and don't need any guy to drive the van or life heavy stuff, we never ask for their presence walking home in the dark every night, we fix our own cars, we manage our own finances, we buy our own homes and live in them, we nurture high-flying careers, we ignore our biological clock in case we scare off potential suitors, we do everything women weren't doing 50 years ago and we still do everything they always did - give birth, cook & clean, raise the children, look stunning but not slutty, act coy and demure but bold and daring, try not to encourage other guy's attentions (even when were supposed to want sex just as much as men?!) but be a raving sexual minx in the bedroom and be ready for it anytime of the day.... you know i could go on, but my point is in this day and age women are expected to be everything and more.

Men just don't seem to allow for the kind of strain this can put us into. They don't understand our emotions are just underneath the surface and rise up to engulf us at any given moment. Its not something they have to deal with so why should they? And yet us girls are constantly told how we must be to impress men and keep a guy interested, how we must think more like guys so that they understand and respect us more, yet keep our feminine charms. And you know what... i can do that, limbic brain or not i can be all and everything a guy desires in a woman. I enjoy making men want me and making men happy. All i ask is the same in return and a little support and understanding every now and again when the perfect mask slips. Just open your eyes and look around and see why i'm upset. Listen to the words i use. Try to understand, especially if i'm understanding you. Dont get defensive! Women don't always blame men for things, we're just upset and needy because we think emotionally (not having a go!) and think you can make it better even if you didn't make the hurt. We want to let you know what turmoil is going on inside, we want you to know the situation upsets us because you are so important to us (not because its your fault and you have to fix it!), yes you with your big buff body (that u spend hours in the gym moulding) we want you to just listen and feel glad we are upset over you because u mean so much and just hold us and be there and make us feel safe. Thats all...

Ok end of rant. My limbic brain obviously had a direct connection the keyboard just then! ;)

"The Way We Were..." and how to get it back (your 5 a day to relationship health)

One thing that strikes me about the relationships people confide in me about is their tendency to fade from that passionate "can't keep our hands off each other" stage to a lesser "yeah its ok i suppose" mundane sort of existence. And what makes me further curious is the fact that there are two groups of thought:

The Realists believe is that is normal. There is no permanent happy ever after. The honeymoon period always ends at some point in the relationship and after that its simply time to work at staying together. They accept their lot in life through 'fear' or 'laziness' and don't try for anything more.

The Idealists believe that this means the relationship is over as 'love' should be easy not hard so this person is obviously not the 'One' for them. They seek perfection.... either in a 'romantic-i must find my soulmate' sense or a 'practical-i can do better' kinda way.

Like i say i'm curious about the people behind these views but i'm not one of them. I'm not sure of the label i would have but if i had to call myself anything i would say i'm a 'Creator'. I won't tolerate the mundane and i won't seek happiness elsewhere. Someone once told me that 'happiness' is already right where you standing. Not in another country, career or person. If you have to go looking, then you will never find it or have it for long.

Anyway digress ;) So what does a 'Creator' do?

Well i believe we focus on maintaining the passion, excitement and all that 'feel-good' emotion. We keep the relationship alive so that neither of us want to leave it. In other words.... maintaining the attraction.

And how is this done? Well attraction is a very complex yet simple concept. I could either write pages and pages in detail on what attracts men to women and what attracts women to men. I could breakdown physical, emotional and mental ways to create and build up attraction, but to be honest it only really boils down to 5 things once you are in a relationship. (Meeting or Dating? Well thats a different story!)

So those 5 things?

The 'Feel-Good' Factor:
It stands to reason that both men and women want to feel good about their lives. And feeling great about love is a big part of that. Many couples start to feel bad about the relationship when one or both is not longer fun to be around. Any negative emotion (anger, sadness, neediness etc) directed towards the relationship can cause these bad vibes and if its more that say 20% of your time spent with each other.... then you're messing with the foundations of your future happiness together. If one of you is constantly freaking out or angry about something the other is doing or saying then they have turned into a person that is not inducing 'happy' emotions in their partner.

If someone doesn't feel good around you (say if you are one causing the bad vibes) then its more difficult for your sweetie to want to invest more time and energy into you and the relationship. The easy road is often the road out of the firing line. And then you're one your own.

In the most basic sense.... whatever emotion you feel, your lover will feel too by way of your actions when you are close to them. Remember feelings are guided by thoughts and you can control what you think. Ditch the negative re-occurring insecure rant and adopt a relationship pep-talk instead. Focus on the good and the rest will follow ;)

Emotional Maturity & Understanding:
The way you act with each other from day one when 'bumps' in the road appear is more important than the actual 'bump' itself. So for example how you act when your partner makes a mistake or does something that upsets you and doesn't realise (triggering your insecurities by jealousy, lateness, distance etc). If your girl/guy genuinely cares they won't be doing anything maliciously to upset you. It will be without realising. Emotional experience should bring about an open and understanding response.... not an over emotional or negative one. The person who has messed up will feel bad enough and putting them in a situation where they can't 'make it right' or 'give reassurance' will only trap them into thinking "I can't make this person happy" and/or "If this is what they are like now, how will things get any better in the future the longer we are together?". After a short period they will feel like they have to walk on eggshells just to keep the peace (and trust me they will do anything to keep it, even leave).

Make changes in your 're-actions' and break negative patterns by putting yourself in their shoes and arguing their point of view in your head for 5 minutes. Don't compare their behaviour with others or your own (men are just as different from other men as men are from women and vice versa). Each person will have personal baggage and reasons for who they are and how they behave. As long as they can understand the depth of your hurt just once it is unlikely they will fail to try to avoid the error in the future, especially if they care. And if you're the reason for all the drama... don't do what doesn't work (defend yourself & your actions repeatedly). Understand why they are upset and make it up to your lover in a way they can forgive.

Connection & Attraction:
One thing couples, especially women, do too much of is talking. Having a serious 'talk' with your babe will not inspire feeling of connection or attraction if it comes to more than 2% of your relationship time together. Keep it short, sweet and direct to the point and follow it up with 'fun' after (never go to bed on an argument, unless bed doesn't include sleeping...).

The rest of the time KISS. And i mean keep it simple ;) I say always try treat your girl/guy like its your first few dates. So flirt, kiss, laugh and tease, touch their arm, hold hands and talk about light-hearted rubbish that means nothing. Keep your expectations of what they can/will do for you at early stages of dating level and you will never be disappointed (i'm not saying they won't do more, but your attitude to what they do for you should be to never expect too much. With pressure off, acts of service towards you will be a pleasure not a pain). The more you act like the first stages/flush of love... the more it will be, and any issue or problems that arise will be easier to tackle and it will be more worthwhile solving them between u both.

Actions speak louder than words. So 'do' stuff together that creates a bond between you and shared memories and experiences. Again this links in with the feel-good factor i mentioned earlier. People who feel good when together are likely to develop strong emotional attractions for each other. Emotional attraction is not dependant on physical, intellectual or social attractions. All of these are powerful when meeting and dating, but the latter three are short-lived in actual relationships and can only be re-kindled/maintained (not usually created otherwise we'd all start fancying our friends!) long-term with a strong emotional attraction.

'Icing' on the cake. Not the 'main' ingredient:
Every couple should be better and happier together. That goes without saying. Cake tastes sweeter with icing than without. However cake by itself is just dandy and satisfying. In fact you can live quite happily without any icing your whole life. You aren't bothered if you don't have it and can quite easily get some if you fancy it. A guy or girl in your life should be exactly like that - an additional (quite exciting/sexy) character to a fantastic, fun-filled adventure story that is your life. People want others around to bring something better, not to fill a void or complete someone else. This neediness shows when the girl/guy is less likely to hang out with friends, develop or maintain interests outside the relationship and is controlled by their partner through fear of losing them. When a girl or guy doesn't have much going on in their life besides the relationship its like an unconscious signal to the their partner that they are 'needed' rather than 'desired'. And that too much focus is on the relationship as their source of happiness. Once again there is a pressure (not pleasure) to perform. And no one wants or can cope with that kind of responsibility.

So make sure your life is complete and you have interests outside your love-life. I know its a well known fact but its because its true. One way of looking at it is "if my lover left me today... what do i have?". If all you have is your job and your family then its time to make some positive additions to your life that removes your dependency your partner for their time and attention. Go make them miss you.

No one needs to be rescued:
Nobody likes to be nagged or asked to change. Your partner should love you for who you are, not try and 'fix' you. And vice versa. People will change when they want to for their own reasons and nothing else. If they do it will be short-lived and without much effort. Also people are selfish and will do things for themselves first and foremost. Nothing motivates change like your own misery or happiness (punishment or reward). It then stands to reason that if a guy or girl has behaviour you don't like its easier to manage if they are benefiting from changing their ways not just to make you happy. Couples stay in relationships because their flaws are handled in a way that is indirect rather than head on.

Take time to praise or indicate in passing or better still reward good behavior. Point out what actions you liked or didn't care for in 'other' relationships. Call out their bad behaviour immediately and why it makes you feel bad. Do it once, allow them to make it up to you, then let it go. The more you go on about something they did (or didn't do) the less it makes an impact. If you can't forgive yet and you still feel angry or upset then take yourself away without being 'cold' or giving the silent treatment. The key is to no longer be actively interested... only passively interested. Your lack of activity in the relationship will make more of an impact than any negative emotion you can throw at them. And they will be less likely to associate you with feeling bad (cos you're not there). And if you're the one being asked to change but your lover is going about it the wrong way, call it out as you would any other bad behaviour. You need to know how far you can push against their boundaries if you are to have any respect for them in the future.

Ok so thats the big 5 a day. Go and indulge ;)

As usual i'm free to chat on msn or by email about relationship stuff so don't be shy. I get quite a few emails a week and girls (mostly) call me or ping on msn so if i can't get back to you right away that why. I do answer everyone though so please be patient!

Until next time... xoxo

Is the 'juice' is worth the squeeze?

When it comes to relationships i often wonder if any guy is 'worth' it. What makes a guy different from the rest, that i would change my behaviour enough for the kind of compromise spending time with someone can demand?

Lately i've been too absorbed in my own love affairs and confused feelings to write anything of value on the matter. Truth is i simply don't know. But i'm exploring. I've asked a lot of men and women this question. And caught up in reading the 'TrueBlood' series, where the heroine Sookie encounters a variety of men problems, i'm beginning to understand the motivation behind putting yourself out there or not. And what have i found.... well that each situation is different and each coupling is unique,

but the main thing it comes down to is 'how they make you feel'.

Its always been about how someone makes you feel. And if you feel good enough for the majority of the time you spend with them, you will always seek them out to spend time with them because they make you happy/comfortable/safe/understood etc.

I used to think building up a deposit full of 'good shared emotions' with someone could set enough of a foundation so that if the shit ever hit the fan, you would still have those good feelings to fall back on - so you realise why you are making the effort, why this person is worth the squeeze. But this isn't the case. All it takes is a few well aimed blows at your achilles heel to knock off your rose-tinted glasses off and you no longer feel good about that person or good when you are around them. In fact you may feel a only tiny amount of negative emotions, but in the right forumula, they skew your view of the whole relationship enough to potentially want to leave it. I won;t divulge the storyline of the series but TrueBlood (the book version) has many examples of this happening between Sookie and her guy(s). He crosses one line, that is very important to her, and he is dust (no pun intended!).

For me i can tolerate a lot of guy drama. I'm a very understanding girl (that doesn't mean i would sit there and take shit from a guy either... I have my boundaries). Despite this there is one thing that i find i won't stick around for. And that's having to 'convince' someone i'm worth it too.

How do i feel when a guy makes me question what i'm worth to him? Well I feel like i've tried and failed. I feel disappointed. I feel tired, despondent and very alone. Like i'm fighting for something no one else wants. And i don't like to feel that no one has my back. That i'm exposed. I've never been good at sales. If the buyer doesn't see the value in the jewel i'm offering i lose interest. I've played all my cards. Its at this point i feel theres nothing left but to hold up my hands and walk away. Possibly increasing the initial price so he'll never have another chance at buying in to play another round ever again. Time wasters beware.

It turns out this is an 'emotional trigger for me. These are 'triggers' that can be traced back to an event or a series of events that led to an emotional reaction.

Mine I think it stems back to when i was going through a messy breakup with my long term ex. He would constantly play with my heart by changing his mind over if we were worth another go or not. He drew me back in several times in the subsequent years after we broke up (yes. years!) and i let him. In the end i learnt the hard way how to end it once and for all. My emotional baggage means that if anyone starts to remind me of my ex... i get restless and wary enough to feel that should be making a hasty exit. The feeling is not a nice one. Its choc full of old insecurities and fears and anyone who manages to flip these 'emotional triggers' gets associated with bad memories and emotions. No matter why they choose to exhibit that behaviour (Because most of the time people don't act the same way for the same reasons. And even if you know that... your 'emotional memory' won't.) And you will react according to habits in your chemistry, not through logic or reason.

So how does a guy trigger this emotion in me? The usual suspects - pulling away, seeming distant, sudden lack or passive communication, and of course.... telling me 'he isn't worth it' or 'he's not good enough for me'. These are all sins of my long term ex who just really did/said all those things because he knew he only wanted me around to boost his own ego and felt guilty for it. I stuck around because i 'thought' he just wanted space/time to miss me or to think and because i felt he was worth it and was good enough for me, but his low self-esteem prevented him from realising such a fact. If only i had cottoned on that he was only telling me these things just to get rid of me 'in a nice way' that made him look like a martyr.

I do wonder why he didn't just say 'I don't feel the same way and i'd rather you realised that now than later. You're lovely but i don't feel the connection with you that i'm looking for. I think we should end this now to avoid you getting hurt and allow me to find it with someone else.' but he didn't and i guess men will always say what they think women want to hear, rather than just the truth.

So anyway...

how do you know what is a 'trigger' for another person's baggage and insecurities? As the last thing you want to do is cause your lover to link you to their shitty past. In my experience you need to:

1) Know their boundaries and relationship history. What has caused them hurt and pain in the past? What do they tolerate well or not? What are they likely to get sensitive or 'over-react' to?

2) Build trust based on honesty. Be aware of your behaviour in similar situations that have caused them pain in the past. Even if your reasons are different and you can't avoid it, at least be honest about why you are acting this way so they can understand your reasons.

3) Be understanding about their irrational fears. Sometimes you'll feel like getting all defensive. This creates barriers of miscommunication through fear. Remember this isn't always about you. No one likes to open their heart and say what they are thinking, especially if they're likely to get shot down. Your reaction primes their future honesty on the matter. If you get shitty or don't understand.... they won't be likely to open up again ever.

And if you have these triggers?

I can only relay what i'm going through right now, which is so over whelming... the 'juice' just doesn't seem worthwhile going to all that effort. I do think my emotional trigger is not one to be taken lightly, and sometimes we have them for survival. Like learning that a flame will burn if you put your hand in a fire long enough. There are others though that are just plain over protective and can prevent you from finding happiness. Sometimes risks are part of life and even if the 'juice' is not that great, at least you can say you squeezed. It takes courage to do that without knowing what you're gonna get... i should know.

Reminds me of that age old saying.... "you should never regret the things you have done.... only the things you haven't".

"Friends" never goes out of fashion... but does 'Ross & Rachel'?

I love re-runs of 'friends'. They make me chuckle ;) The in-jokes and long standing '20 something and still dating' storylines... everybody can relate to a character and situation they've been in. That's why we like it so much, and why it will never go out of fashion, however dated the wardrobe & set.

Still i seem to be the only one a little frustrated by the tidy last episode when Ross & Rachel finally get together. Really? After 10 years? After Ross went a little odd and Rachel had a baby? I don't buy it. The whole 'meant to be together' thing is just so 90s. Or maybe its just to Hollywood. Movies and dramas have been selling us 'The One', 'guy gets girl' or 'soul mates & true love' script for so long, that we rose tint our way through life expecting it as reality... actually no, correction.... we desire a happy ever after but expect reality to be different. More disappointing. And true to form, we always get what we expect.

In my view the last few generations are confused. We are not the romantics of the early 20th century, who have set family values, classic marriages and courting rituals, nor have we adapted to the realism of the future. Our ideals still cling to the past, to what society used to deem as acceptable.... and yet our lifestyle suggest something very different. How can a woman in her 20s in this day and age live as she desires and yet still fit with historic ideals of what 'should' make her happy?

In the 90s, dramas like 'friends' clearly emphasized this confusion. Thousands of weak heroines like 'Bridget Jones' were our role models. Stupid 'rom-coms' where people mess up in love taught us to accept misunderstanding in each other (men & woman) and see drama or a challenge in love as normal - no guy ever gets the girl straight away, no girl ever has it all without it being by chance and the end-goal is always to be 'lucky in love'.

What happened to strong, independant leading ladies like Audrey Hepburn, Doris Day & Marilyn Monroe? Role models that gave men a run for their money? What happened to guys like James Dean, Cary Grant & Bogart? Men who knew what they wanted (usually the ladies) and charmed their way into getting it? The golden era may have had old-fashioned ideals, but it also had strong personalities to go with it. Now? it seems society is reluctant to let go of these ideals and what is right and wrong behaviour for people in love and relationships. We judge to make ourselves and our situations seem better by comparison and in this messed up world of adult angst, there is not one celebrity out there that i would want to emulate.

Ross & Rachel may have been the 'couple' we all understood and wanted to be in. But seriously... look at the cracks that splintered their relationship time and time again. Where is the 'gone with the wind' moment when he just kisses her and says 'frankly my dear i don't give a dam' and walks off and leaving her hanging because she took him very much for granted? It didn't happen. Ross was weak and too indirect with his intentions. He was sloppy and hesitated way too much in moments when he needed to just act. He had poor boundary function and then pushed her away with his inability to communicate them. And Rachel.... was callous and lacked empathy & understanding. She kept score and nagged. She flirted with other guys to get attention. And generally drove him away with her ego's inability to just 'let it go'. Its no wonder a ton of my friends (men and women) are constantly confused, out of love, and always in the 'friends zone'.... we grew up in our teen years watching 'friends' who were most of the time just that and nothing much else.

And why should Ross & Rachel just settle for each other after all this time? There is more to life, and always someone new, than going back to something that 'just didn't work in the first place'. We all need to let go of past failures and enjoy 'fresh blood' so to speak. I can't tolerate 'love' for love's sake.... it doesn't exist. Like anything 'love' is an addiction to good emotions and feel-good chemicals. And no one is a slave to addiction. We all have the power to face the fear of being on our own and not accept 'second-hand' romances. I know Audrey wouldn't have.... and that's good enough for me.

Inside the mind of a guy.... "why getting the girl is the most fun part of dating"

Oh yes. Meet Jamie Bamber ladies.... *sigh*.  He is one of the reasons i watch Battlestar Galactica. As well as it being an addictive storyline ;) 

And back to the reality. So last night i was reading Ocean Dreamer's blog (fantastic and insightful read btw) and her post about 'love' in tv shows being like real-life got me thinking about the differences between men and women (@ 8am in the morning i might add when i should be getting ready for work! i have a problem. maybe i should seek help?). 

It strikes me that for most women the objective of dating - a committed relationship - is the most important aspect of all. It the thing they get out of bed for, style their hair, dress provocatively, and flirt like its going out of fashion with any guy that will show her attention. The guy, if he passes some kind of test with her, just dangles the carrot of of something akin to that 'destination' in the future and oops she's already his. 

But men don't want a get a freebie or a handout. Men are competitive. They love sports like racing and play computer games where they skill up. They like to fix things and get good at certain talents like playing guitar. They love to pursue. And while us women won't understand why, it doesn't mean this is type of 'game' doesn't get him excited and the most fun part of the relationship is' the journey to the destination'.  In other words, when tv show & movie couples get to together it's not until the very end that they do. The rest of the time its a whole 'will they? won't they?' hook that keeps you coming back for more. The guys that write these dramas know that once we get that happy ending, they'll be losing half their audience. And even if us girls are sitting their rooting for their favourite couple to 'get together already!' and live happily ever after... you can so be sure that a guy will think differently (i've never seen a guy in a tv show forum whining that such and such should be married already. think about it. its true.)

So the key to understanding how a man wants to win the girl? Not the easy way. It has to be hard. You have to be a challenge. He wants to know that he has 'earned' the right to call you his girlfriend. Turn the tables.... you keep the carrot dangling for once. But don't let him lose every time. Play nice. Let him win a few rounds and then once the feeling of victory is in his blood. Once the hunt is on. He'll be begging for more. And just when he thinks he's losing.... he'll fight even harder to win. And then once he has you, once he finally gets his trophy, he can brag about it to his boyfriends. But no guy will brag if the trophy was just given to him. Theres no challenge or struggle in that. I'm reminded of something i read once "the women is the jewel. the man provides the setting". Just remember to let him do all the hard work cutting the diamond, and crafting the metal first ;)

Funny thing is, once they guy is 'banging on your door with a bunch of roses'.... you may just not want him anymore. Attraction is a strange thing, and its true we always want what we can't have. Even us ladies...

Its a turn-off when... "you are way too serious"

Most girls are emotionally in-tune. We want a guy who is in touch with his sensitive side. A guy who can talk about his feelings.

I've been there. And its frustrating when he avoids the issue, would rather enjoy the moment with you than open up and try to relate. Its hard work - there is something pressing that you just want to hash out. You want to talk through the options. You want to find out what he's thinking. You need to hear how he sees the situation. 

And we're used to our girlfriends who talk non-stop about themselves and the issues they are going through. So why can't we bond with a guy that way? Sure he may have poured his heart out before you dated... but now? He's a closed book that you just can't read. Never mind find out how it ends. 

But you know what really annoys me. When a guy is too serious. 

I had the grace to find a guy who's emotions were all over the place. And he wanted to talk about how he felt.. all the time. It got to a point when we couldn't just relax and laugh and eat dinner without him making an issue of how he felt when i passed him the salt. wft! Come on! I felt like the guy. I wanted him to just lighten up. Why was it so stressful all the time. Why did he have to turn everything in to drama... and everything into about him and how he felt? The world didn't revolve around him but when i was with him it felt that way. It was draining & boring. I spent less and less time with him. I did the guy thing and avoided his calls, kept my distance. It was just easier than admitting he was pushing me away. I was afraid he'd take it badly. And i was right. In the end he did. 

So whats my point in all this? Well it was strange for me to be in the role of a guy but it taught me some valuable lessons. No one likes being around too much drama all the time. Its hard work and its draining. Hence the reason why a cool guy will deflect your serious talk with banter and humour. And you may feel like he's avoiding the issue. Maybe he is. But there is a time and a place and there is a way to talk to a guy that doesn't make it seem like a chore.

So yes i can't stand ppl who take themselves to seriously. I love a guy who makes me laugh. A guy who can laugh at himself. A guy who doesn't read too much into what i say or what i do. A guy who is there when i need him to be. To show me what he can do for me instead of all that talk. After all... actions speak louder than words. 

And today i'm in one of those moods where everything keeps making me laugh. Yes i've got the giggles. I even got the grumpy guy behind the desk in reception to smile at me. 

Life is great like that... one smile and you get everything you wish for :)

Why she is always miserable and he doesn't seem to care....

I'm fresh off the phone from explaining the difference between how men and women react to stress in relationships and the bad behaviours they prefer when they care about the situation. 

I say 'prefer' because sometime the roles reverse.... but most of the time, a girl gets visibly upset (crying, moaning, angry etc), and the guy gets distant (silence, coldness, defensive etc). These tools we use to get our way, to get attention or to just deal with our feelings can happen almost sub-consciously. And before we know it we have alienated the one we love so quickly and effectively that its no wonder all my friends say they 'don't understand the opposite sex'.

Now i'm a girl and since i noticed my 'bad behaviour' i've been more aware of how it affects the men in my life. 

Here's a breakdown of a typical female 'needy' reaction:

What - Emotion overload... crying, thinking 'poor me' and 'he doesn't care', getting depressed, sulking, nagging, slagging him off to her friends, moaning or getting mean and angry

Why - To get attention or 'caring' reaction to feed her ego. To see if the guy really cares.

When - In a stressful situation she can't control. To force the issue and confront it head on so the neediness is satisfied by drama

Outcome - Arguments & ultimatums

How to deal with it - A guy shouldn't pander to her sulks or crying with a hug or approval seeking behaviour. It will just reward her tantrums. Instead acknowledge she is upset, and tell her you understand why she reacting that way. Tell you care but you're not willing to talk about it until later (agree a time in neutral territory) when you are both calmer. 

Now i understand this behaviour as it used to be mine. I know how it feels to want answers, to wish the guy would open up and just talk to me about the way he feels. Its like a steam engine... once it starts to build up momentum its hard to extract yourself from the crime scene with dignity. You have to kill the emotion dead at the first stirrings of 'doubt' and 'self-pity'. I find it very hard to do, mainly because my emotions lay just beneath the surface. I feel first and think later.

Now when a guy gets stressed he can have a completely different 'bad behaviour'. One that us girls don't understand. Because we don't react like that when we care about the situation, so why do men? This is the downfall of communication in a relationship. The women thinking the man doesn't care because he reacts differently. The fact is men don't react the same way... they react in a polar opposite. It doesn't mean they aren't affected by the issue or care less. It just means that they do care but they don't know how to handle their feelings in a mature way yet. 

Here is a breakdown of a typical male 'needy' reaction:

What - Emotional shutdown... silent treatment, abrasive or flippant remarks, sulking, getting busy with work/x-box, seeking time alone, not listening and getting defensive. 

Why - To get attention, feed his ego, or put off having to deal with it right now and hoping it will go away.

When - In stressful situation he can't control. When he needs time to think and make the right choice. When he doesn't know what to think. 

Outcome - Cold fronts & Miscommunication.

How to deal with it - A girl shouldn't start to doubt that he cares or ask him 'whats wrong'. The first will lead to a build up of negative emotion which can erupt sooner or later. The latter will draw attention to the fact that you are sensitive to there being 'a problem', and he may deny it and you'll look and feel stupid for over-reacting. Best advice. Leave him be. Ignore it and then later when he is back to normal ask him in a calm, curious manner, if anything was on his mind lately. If he denies it then point out that you noticed his rudeness/coldness or lack of attention and how it made you feel and kinda upset you, but nothing you couldn't handle. Next time though maybe he could clarify what is going on inside his mind so you don't jump to conclusions?

So how to deal with stress so you don't fall into the behaviours above? Well honesty is a good start, and willingness to communicate, and it has to come from a place of reason and understanding of the other. You wouldn't fly off the handle or get cold and aloof with a colleague at work would you? And in a way a relationship is like a business. You both have needs and they need to be met and compromise negotiated. So in a stressful situation i like to try a method that works in any situation. I've stolen it from material on emotional intelligence (EI), a course i attended last year for work actually!

1) Be aware of how your behaviour affects others and the way they feel.

2) What do you feel and are you expressing it in an intelligent way to convey that feeling?

3) Stop thinking of what you want and what you need and instead focus on the needs and wants of the other person. Put yourself in their position.

4) Try to understand why they are reacting/behaving a certain way and communicate that you are trying.

5) Realise they will behave differently from you so don't compare to what you know and can make sense of. They are not you.

6) Now ask them to understand where you are coming from and convey your feelings.

7) Do not let your emotions overwhelm or control you. A reasonable response to any situation will always get the other person's respect. 

Inside the mind of a guy... "she just wants a boyfriend"

A few of my friends are in the first flush of dating a guy they really like. They tell me they have a great time together and he seems is really into her, but something he said recently was a little off…. like "I know you just want a boyfriend…" or "I'm no good for you…" or even "Lets just take things slow".

And as you can imagine my friends asked me why. It wasn't like they wanted to speed things up? And surely she can make her own choice about whether a guy is good enough for her? And most girls, who have an ounce of intelligence, do not want just any guy to be their boyfriend. They are selective. They are dating to assess if the guy is a loser or not and if they want him to hang around.

Speaking from experience. I can't even consider having a guy to be my boyfriend unless
1) I care about him
2) I like & respect the guy

I can't develop the emotional attachment enough to care or know if I like who he is a person if I don't get to spend time with him and 'just' date for a period first.

Unfortunately there are a lot of girls out there who do "just want a boyfriend". They are looking for the security of someone to look after them. They need men in their life and usually they are never without a guy in tow. The qualities they look for are power, status & money. And maybe looks if she can afford to be picky. I call these women 'table hawks'… because they are the girls that gravitate towards tables in nightclubs. They collect free drinks from men like badges of honour. And they use sex as barter to get what they want. Its these girls that give men the impression that any girl worth having comes with a unforgiving price tag…
So in the mind of guy… all women want boyfriends. And we only want him for the things he can provide, like his job prospects (because we may not have any of our own?), his status in his social circle or his looks (because we want him for show and to make us look good?) and his money (because we all want a guy to pay?).

It suddenly makes you realise why a guy goes to so much effort to develop these things. He thinks that is all he is to us. A meal ticket to a better life. And hence the reason why he'd rather 'not' be your boyfriend and just be friends who sleep together instead. Being a 'boyfriend' comes with responsibility and well as the commitment. And you must so be worth it if he's going to give you all of that… and he won't know if you are after just 2-3 dates.

Now us girls. We are creatures who 'feel' first. We just want to have a deep connection with a guy. We want to fall in love. We want a guy who gets us, who understands us, respects & appreciates us. A guy who makes us feel sexy and safe. Someone we can care for yet doesn't need us. A guy who makes us laugh. A guy with a good heart who will treat us right. Yes… we want the fairytale and we think we find it… often.

Imagine this. You're a girl. You just met a guy and the way he makes you feel is amazing. There's this connection you have, he understands you, he seems really into you, he's charming, funny, sweet... and you suddenly think 'I feel like I've known him all my life'. You start to imagine a life together. He seems perfect. And so you ask him 'where is this going' or you act like 'he is the One'.

Now this is dangerous! What you are feeling is not 'love'. It is a chemical reaction (oxytocin etc) to how he makes you feel when you are around him. Sure you like him as a person but you can't really know a him after a few dates. It takes time to develop a 'real' connection & understanding. Now I call this 'emotional attachment'. And most girls (or guys) can slip into one very easily if they are in touch with their emotions. Most men on the other hand do not develop this as much in the beginning and come from a place of physical attraction, logic and reason rather than 'feelings' when they are dating. Usually this logic/reason is thinking that the only reason you want him to be your boyfriend (because seriously you can't know him that well yet) is because of what he can provide. See the miscommunication here?

So my advice? Well girls I can only tell you what I've researched and what I've tried, tested and what worked:

1) Think like a guy. Ignore your emotional feelings for him. They are not true. Instead assess his qualities as he is assessing yours. Is he worth all the trouble of committing and the added responsibility? Is he a guy you can respect and like? What do you like about him? What drives you crazy? Why should you date him? Does he want to fit within your boundaries? Take your time. Have fun. Its not a race.

2) Communicate & feel hesitancy. Let him know you still aren't sure if he meets the mark. Tell him what you value in a guy and what your boundaries are from day one. Let him rise to meet the challenge of making you his. I say 'feel' as well because you can't fake something you don't feel. Change the way you think, go back to step one.

3) Compliment him & show affection. When I ask my friends if they tell their guy what they like about him… they say they don't. This is a shock to me. I mean the poor guy. No wonder he's confused and wonders why you are with him. Now I'm not saying lie. You have to be honest. But there's nothing needy with telling a guy what makes your world spin, especially if he's the one that does it. It actually sub-communicates a powerful message that you know what you like and you're not afraid to express it. I always tell a guy how he makes me feel. That I find him sexy or that I love the way he cares about his friends and his generosity. If he has a skill, focus on it and tell him you think he's amazing at it. Tell him you love the way his hair curls at the back. Tell him his kisses drive you crazy. Tell him you love his addiction to buying potted plants…. Basically open up and tell him all the things you would normally write in your diary or dissect with your girlfriends on the phone. And touch him like you can't keep your hands off him. Massage his shoulders while he sits on the computer. Grab him in for an unexpected kiss. Show him how he makes you feel. Trust me the guy will lap it up and feel there is another reason you keep him around…. And its not anything to do with his bank account or the letters after his name.

Now I'm not saying this is a way to ensure you will get a boyfriend! This post is not about that…. this is about reminding girls out that not every guy you date would make a good boyfriend, even if he seems to good to be true. Know your boundaries (e.g. exclusivity, commitment, quality time) and stick to them, because only then will you be happy with your choices. You don't even have to use the label 'boyfriend' if he is already agreeing to your boundaries unless of course you want to. For me the boundaries are there to stop me getting hurt by a guy I choose to spend time with... not to ensnare a husband.

And a note to the boys out there… I apologize if you don't think this way. You are amazing and very emotionally mature if you understand why women behave the way they do. We wish more men could be like you ;)

How to choose a long-term boyfriend...

My last long-term relationship was five years long. He was a gorgeous, tall, grey-eyed Adonis. There was an air of quiet confidence about him. He was strong & silent. He watched me dance across a crowded room. His interest intrigued me and i knew we would meet. 

In fact I fell in love at first sight.... I do not recommend you do the same.

Why? Well because i gave this boy my heart before i liked who he was as a person. I never noticed his flaws before it was too late. The bad points i would have to endure and live with only surfaced after i was well and truly hooked. A relationship doomed to failure. I would love to say that when you meet the right person it all falls into place and nothing matters anymore....

... but thats not true long term. For me anyway.

Now I fall in love cautiously & slowly. The passion and connection may ignite when we meet, but takes time to grow into something durable & everlasting. I will not be tricked by my emotional attachment or my addiction to how he makes me feel. I will not allow anyone to mean so much to me unless i really, truly respect them first. He has to be someone i would consider worthy of friendship. There has to be more than lust or love. 

There has to be like.

I know what you're thinking. Thats absurd. How can you fall in love with someone you don't like? Well it has to do with the fact that when you first meet someone they are on their best behaviour. You only see their 'good' side. Strong attraction spans into spending lots of time together. You build an emotional connection with that person. Your roots entwine like two potted plants now sharing the same soil.... until one day, you are in love. And the uprooting of your life together is too painful to even consider ripping apart. It hurts to disengage. They become habit. They become your reflection and his traits become yours. Which is unfortunate if they are not the person who you thought they were when you met....

So, i have reservations about letting anyone have the 'label' of being my boyfriend. I am choosy. I will not say 'i love you' or commit to him with my whole heart very easily. He has to meet certain criteria. He has to be what i prefer. And it was while dating a lot last year that i developed these preferences. I wrote these down in my creative journal back then - the "List of things i look for in a Boyfriend". It isn't comprehensive or complete, but was what i was looking for then and maybe still stands now.

Of course when it comes down to it i'm attracted to a guy who is 'like' me... kinda geeky, fashionable, random, obsessed with details, able to cook, into aesthetics, healthy, active, driven, caring, open-minded, cheeky, sexy, confident.... and maybe he looks like 'Tom Welling' in the pic above lol

But enough dream-boy musings, here is the actual list i wrote at the time:

1) You must be active and adventurous. A guy who likes to try new things and not get bogged down in logistics or negatives. Be up for anything and it will inspire me to suprise you with random experiences. I am creative. I need you to be too.

2) Kiss me like there is no tomorrow. And do it slowly like you have all the time in the world. Make my world spin and my knees go weak. Show me stars and i'll give them to you.

3) Make time for me. Plan our weekends. Give me something to get excited about and dream of during the mundane. Rearrange your day to include even just a quick phone call. Text me when your thinking about me. Show me i'm a priority and i'll do the same for you.

4) Do the little things that make me smile. I won't be expecting you to think of my needs, but i'll be grateful when you do. And in return i'll show you how much i care by thinking of you too.

5) Understand me. I don't do anything to hurt you intentionally. If you try i will listen and not twist your words or assume you are selfish. I wouldn't be with you otherwise.

6) Have a good heart and make time for others. Trust your friends and be loyal. Take care of your family. I see goodness in people before anything else. Don't prove me wrong.

7) Be confident in yourself. Know you are amazing. Live your life like you don't need me to love you, and i will love you more.

8) Don't let it get to you. Anger, worry, stress and depression are not my friends. They are hardly present in my life because i choose it. If you entertain them on a regular basis i can't save you if i'm to love you too. It will only push me away if you avoid the silver lining and refuse to see the bright side. I live there most of the time so you won't get the 'real' me, and i will just annoy you.

9) Show me affection. Don't be scared to reach out and hug me from time to time. I like the connection when your hand holds mine. Your arm around my waist is reassuring. I love it when you pull me close in bed and hold me until i fall asleep.

10) Don't make promises you can't keep. And tell me in advance if you can't commit. I won't be upset or grow cold if you are honest and at least try to do your best. 

11) Lose your addictions. I will never respect a guy who has no will power to change his life for the better or seek to improve his health. Choice is powerful. Its ok to be open to the possibility but knowing you can refuse is what i like about you.

12) Turn me on. Enough to distraction. Make me want you all the time... and i will do the same i promise you ;)

13) Don't be tight or materialistic. In fact, don't let how much you have be your focus. More money can be made and if we are as amazing as i think we'll be then there will be days when we won't need to leave the house to have a great time. Still occasionally we can splash out and go wild. One day you'll be too old for your money to be of any use. Now is the time to live.

14) Learn with me everything that is worth knowing. Tell me what you read yesterday and i'll show you my latest talent. Inspire me to be more than i am and i'll motivate you to be all that you can be.

15) Communicate. Tell me what you are thinking and how i make you feel. Let me inside your mind. Don't assume i know. Don't be a mystery. 

16) Tell me i'm wrong. Sometimes i am. But if you argue or sulk i will lose interest so be mature in the way you deal with my faults. I am only human.

17) Be loyal and in turn trust me. I have never cheated on a boyfriend and don't plan on doing so in the future. One day we may change and fall out of love with each other but for now if you want the best of me, you'll need to open up and throw caution to the wind. Remember... i have been hurt too.

18) Take charge. I like it you have it all worked out or when you take control. If you want me... come and get me. I prefer a guy to chase.

19) If you mess me about i will lose interest. Flakiness is a turn off. Do it once and i will try to understand, do it twice and i will get annoyed, do it a third time and i'm sorry but i will realise i'm wasting my time.

20) Make me laugh. Even if you have to hold me down and tickle me.... trust me it could be fun ;)

And so girls, i advise you to "write a list" too. And if you don't know what to write...'date' a while in order to develop your preferences. Or write down what you don't want and then list the opposite. Because once you know... it is easier to find it, and you'll be amazed at how the men in your life start to reflect what you ask for. 

And we always get what we ask for. Standard quantum mechanics...