When i rant about something i end to go on and on. Tonight, having dinner with Marshall was no exception. I was tired and very tense at the end of my tirade. He told me to 'chill'. I hate being told what to do, especially what to feel. I found myself getting defensive, interrogating him, asking him... well no telling him 'hey look i was just having a bad day'. Ok that he understood. He relaxed into an easy smile, open and understanding, and asked if he could help.
I sighed "You can't help me. Only i can change the way i feel about things." I felt like i was being brave and adult. Aware that this 'bad day' was all my own making.
Marshall never judges me, but this time he held up his hands like he was giving up. i was a lost cause. "oh well bless you then" and started laughing more loudly. I told him to shut up, but as soon as i said it i grinned too. I wanted to hit him and hug him at the same time.
"I'm angry all the time." I admitted to him, annoyed that i didnt know how to get past these pent up emotions without taking it out on those around me. Marshall nodded and winked the cheeky way he does sometimes. "Hey im the same. Why do you think we're attracted as friends? I see myself in you, so i understand you. But you know anger is caused by your frustration at wasted energy. All it takes someone to try to control you, take energy from you, and it traps you into giving it to them unwillingly. You don't like it so you get angry."
"Ok, but how do i go from feeling normal to suddenly wanting to bend iron?" It cant just be frustration surely?
"Well it starts by you blaming yourself because they make you feel bad. Then you blame them instead for making you feel that way in the first place. The negative energy has nowhere to go but outwards towards them. Strangely you are still giving that person your attention, even if it is negative, so they get what they want... your energy, your time, your focus. Because their behaviour gets them what they want, subconciously they may keep on doing it. We do what works, and so a cycle begins. Overall its your anger that fuels the fire without you realising it."
I understood energy was the same as attention but i wasn't clear on how someone could trap you into giving them your energy. "Ok, so how to other people trap you into the cycle in the first place?" It was a simple question i know as there are many ways to make people angry. But it wasnt examples of stupid or provoking behaviour i wanted. I needed more definition. A theory.
In all seriousness, thinking of the right words, he leaned back and raised an eyebrow with an air of authority (something i've never been able to do no matter how many times ive practiced in a mirror!). Marshall knew what kind of answer i was looking for, and of course he delivered.
"Ok, well you know about the four control dramas right?" I nodded. I did. Control dramas are the acts we perform that manipulate attention from other people... a way to be in control.
He started to tick them off on one hand. "Intimidation, Interrogation, aloofness and.."
"Poor me?" I add.
"Yes exactly. In fact everyone has a dominant control drama, one of the four, in their life that they fall back into out of habit. Its up to us to recognise it, become aware of it and recondition ourselves to act in a different way. One that isn't controlling. For instance, which one do you think you are?"
I pondered this question carefully, mainly because i'd never realised one was more dominant. "But i think i've used them all in the past." I admitted... a little regretfully because they are not nice things to use on other people no matter what the situation. Most of the time i don't even know i'm acting in this way because i can't see past how i feel at that time, and i always have an excuse that i tell myself to justify it all.
"Yes of course everyone uses all four dramas, but there is one that is used the most by you. Look to your parents. What do they use, or more exact what did they use towards you when you were young? Your dominant control drama is usually fixed when you are young by those who bring you up."
Now this i could see. Funny how you can see the flaws of others more readily than yourself isnt it? I told him what i thought their dramas were when i was younger, and what they were now.
Immediately he had the answer. "You will be the opposite then, so your main drama is 'aloofness'."
I was about to disagree, because i thought i was probably either 'poor me' or 'intimidator' from recent crossfires between those close to me. But looking back i'm actually very aloof, and a lot of people say this about me more than anything else. In fact no one has ever said i intimidate them or that i play the role of a victim. I'm always being told that i'm very closed, distant, and hard to get to know. Sheepishly i smiled and nodded. He had my control drama spot on.
"Yes! yes you are haha! like that time you were avoiding me for weeks and weeks when you thought i was upset with you and you were angry at me.... and when i finally got hold of you, you were like 'I wasnt avoiding you. What do you mean? i was just busy and this and that. Dont get so upset'. Can you see? the dominant control drama is very easily changed into the others when you are not aware. You switched from aloofness to interrogation when your aloofness didnt work anymore. Which is why you think you have all four. You do, but they are linked to the dominant one, and in such a way that once you get rid of it, your aloofness, the rest will go too." He grinned, glad he was right. I had to admit he had me pegged, and I very much wanted to (playfully) shove him off his chair. Honestly. Its like being teased by a annoying big brother.
I grumbled. "Hmmm.... I guess you're right. Recently i argued with a friend, and instead of making it up or talking about it, i wanted to avoid it so didnt mention it again and contacted her a little less than usual. It seems when anything bad happens or i don't want to deal with it.... my way of controlling the situation is to leave it all together."
"But" I added. "though i can't tolerate people who are 'poor me' or ' interrogator' types... naturally they either get me angry (intimidator) or i shut them off and get all distant (aloofness). I don't think im like that with people who are also 'aloof', like me. They tend to get me curious at first, maybe little frustrated with lack of communication, as a last resort i may get interrogator like. Thats kinda like nagging right? Still i find im more tolerant of people who are 'aloof', or i get angry with them less."
Marshall took a sip of his tea. "Well of course. We are attracted to people we understand. You understand 'aloofness' because it is your main way of controlling. However if someone is better at it than you it also becomes a challenge and if you are sucked into the drama... it is always the opposite tact that you will adopt to try to gain control again. With aloof people you act 'interrogator' to get attention and as you know first hand they just shut you out even more... and 'poor me' types turn you into an 'intimidator' to retaliate back when they use their drama to make you feel bad for them."
I frowned. I didnt like being sucked in to drama or making people angry. Other people made me angry and i ended up annoyed with myself for losing my rag and annoyed with them for causing me to lose it. I asked him how to avoid such a situation happening. I didn't want to be controlled but i didnt want to try and control others either.
"Just be aware and it will stop. As soon as you recognise your behaviour and theirs, you will become more understanding of why they are acting this way and more open to allow your attention to freely move towards them. After all thats all they want. Then, and only then will you not feel anger. The anger builds because you do not want to give. You are resisting it."
"But isnt that giving in?" I wondered.
"Nope. It is like being more evolved. Like a parent with a child, and knowing that the only way to move forward is through your maturity to see beyond the fight between you. When two kids fight over a toy, neither one can see that there is no point in fighting over the toy. They both want it and will act like spoilt children to get it. Throwing tantrums in a way." His eyes creased up in the corners as he said this, looking knowingly at me! "It is only when one is an adult that they can see that the toy is meaningless and can give it to the child and make him happy or brush aside the tantrum itself with a little patience and understanding, as ultimately it will never deteriorate their love for the child."
I sat for a minute taking this in and suddenly felt tired. I must have looked it because Marshall shook his head. "Its difficult to do all the time, to be aware. I still get angry with others a lot.... "
"but of course" He gave a heartfelt sigh that said life was indeed hardwork "... you know thats because i'm always right!" His sudden stupid grin was infectious and i suddenly knew why i would always feel good around Marshall.
He always knew how to make me laugh. And I did.
"Yes! So being aware is the first step, but laughing is also good!" He chuckled loudly like he does while i was still laughing and the whole restaurant looked over at us doubled up over nothing. Sometimes its like that with Marshall. We just laugh.
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