Why women who have it all are hard to please... otherwise called 'denial'

I realised this morning, after waking abruptly from a disturbing dream, that i have quite a large chunk of denial still hanging over me. The dream, or rather nightmare, dragged up all those old feelings of dissatisfaction in my life, especially love. In my dream my ex wanted me back. Dream Lisa much to my dismay took him back, falling straight into old patterns of stepford wife versus ungrateful bastard. Still dream Lisa was happy because she got what she wanted... or did she?

You see theres never been a guy good enough for me. I know now that at one point, possibly very early on in the relationship but still, the 'long-term ex' was essentially a good guy. It was my being so very difficult to please that pushed him into behaving the way i expected making matters worse and confirming my worst fears. In fact, looking back throughout all of my relationships i'm never happy. I mean he can give me the moon and i still pick away at his faults.

This is my denial.

You know, 'denial' the story we tell ourselves (and others) to avoid the pain of the truth about our own shortcomings - like feeling jealous when others succeed, acting critical when we should offer love, selfish when we should be giving - these little faults we are so ashamed of that we even lie to ourselves that the exist? After all its so easy to build up reasons in our minds why we act harshly towards others, like they deserve it, or to teach them a lesson.... sound familiar?

The hardest thing to accept is the darker side of ourselves, the side that isn't so pretty. I should know, pretty is very important to me. But sub-consciously we all have this side, even saints. The key is to remember that when the ugly truth is brought to light - say a loved one pushes the right buttons, winds you up, makes you angry/upset or react in a negative way... they are just bringing to the surface a part of yourself you could never confront on your own. And this feeling was there way before this person even came into your life and triggered it.

Its up to you to recognise that this person should not be blamed for parts that need work (in fact you should thank them for making you aware), and take responsibility instead. Yes, own it., before it owns you. Until we start to own these bad feelings and accept that they are ours, they will simply continue to control our lives, the dramas will repeat themselves over and over, people will keep coming into our lives who are better and better at triggering and we will still remain the victim. Never happy.

In my case, i'd blame the guy i was with because he wasn't doing enough of the things i thought he should to make me feel loved, secure, smug, satisfied, complete... etc Each time he fell short of my expectations i would experience a whole array of disappointment, frustration, and loneliness, that i was misunderstood and ultimately unloved. I blamed the men in my life for feeling this way and in the end all that did was push them away.

Other times, when guys i've dated have had the integrity to shower me with affection, and done too much, ive gone the other way. My insecurities at not being enough and essentially failing him, or my fear of being manipulated combined with lack of trust that surfaced when pushed to 'give up', as i felt my 'supposed' personal freedom.... made me aloof, distant and overly critical. Like before, i would sabotage the relationship before it could develop deeper and lose out on sharing my life with someone who really did care.

In both i was replaying pattern i'd picked up from my parents and old flames, when at times their restrictions and expectations either brought about a need in me for unwavering love and support or a desire in me to exist beyond their manipulations and control.

Funny today of all days i can clearly understand the lesson in the powerful demonstration of just "pointing a finger" at someone. I mean if you look carefully three times as many fingers are pointing back at yourself right?

A girl's perspective on... "Breakthrough Comfort"

In the male dominated community based on female psychology for dating and relationships, Breakthrough Comfort is the term to describe the fundamentals behind creating a deep and lasting emotional connection with a girl.... in other words 'how to make her fall in love with you'.

In my view successful dating requires a mix of two - attraction (desire for control) and comfort (intense feel-good emotions). Combined you should have in most cases an interesting cocktail for flirty fun with almost anyone you choose. This being that you know what you are doing...

In my experience 'attraction' is the easier of the two to create, And also get over. I've never cried at night over a losing the attention of a rich guy or a man who had all the girls. But comfort is a nasty bitch waiting to happen. On its own its creepy and clingy and all the 'too-nice-guys' have it in spades... but combine it with a healthy dose of 'attraction', and the push-pull effect comes into play on a larger scale than just plain-jane 'hot & cold'.

Why? Well lets look at what a girl really wants. Simply to quote Julia Roberts 'We want the fairytale'... a strong white knight (attraction: power & status) coming to rescue us (comfort: big strong guy saves the fragile princess) on a white horse (comfort: awww, he likes animals too *simper*) from a very tall tower (attraction: dangerous & risky, he must be brave) who will whisk us away into the sunset to live happily ever after (comfort: he sees that we're special, no one else). In other words.... we want the cool guy to fall in love with us.

Breakthrough Comfort suggests techniques that convince a girl the guy in question is 'falling' for her. Women spend a lot of time dissecting a guy's behaviour. We have 'sweet' actions (this proves he loves me) and 'indifferent' actions (he doesn't care about me). Now for comfort to work there has to be both types of actions, because 'sweet' actions mean more at the end of the day if they are few and far between... but there has to be just enough to keep the girl from thinking the guy is callus bastard.

Ok so guys i bet you're thinking 'wow this sounds great'... but seriously i can vouch for the pain caused if they are not meant for something long-lasting and real:

While i adore the effect and feeling of 'deep-comfort' when its directed toward me (what girl wouldn't want a guy she is attracted to kiss her forehead affectionately, or stare into her eyes like he's lost in them)... they don't belong in a fling or other casual dalliances. Us girls convince ourselves that when a guy acts this way there can be no other reason other than he 'feels' a deep connection (translation: he is in love) and we see these few and far between actions as proof he is just in denial or afraid (translation: he needs reassurance before he can commit). We then relax and open our hearts and start to 'trust', because after the big-bad world has abused us its nice to know there is one big strong guy out there who will make it better. The only drawback is women don't close off their emotions very easily once the floodgates have opened, like men do. We take a long time warming up, but the cool-off can be forest fire. (a word of warning: some women are not emotional stable to handle rejection after this = bunny boiler time)

Breakthrough Comfort may be the the 'key' to getting her to fall in love with you, but i know honesty, attraction and light-hearted flirting work better at maintaining long term flings. Women these days are able to enjoy casual sex if we know the score all the way through the game. We like being able to detach and have fun without engaging our emotions too. Guys, please don't pull the wool over our eyes and let your deep-down insecurities (wanting everyone to like you/love you and needing emotional approval) create a situation you can't handle further down the line.

But if you want to break hearts then go for it, but i believe karma is a bitch who doesn't forget being scorned.

Rules of the game: understanding women of the digital age... because some men still don't

You know one thing that strikes me as a 'no-brainer' is what women want, but thats probably because i'm in a very good position to know... i am one. Sure there are a lot of ebooks and material to share on the subject of female psychology. I know. I've read a lot! But its seriously lacking and i'll tell you why.

Women don't know what they want.

So how can a guy who has had luck sleeping with a ballpark of women know anything more about female desires than the women themselves? Truth is he can't... all he knows is how to score by making her feel like she knows what she wants at that time - him. Its manipulation of feelings and thoughts that drive a girl to 'want' a guy. Don't get me wrong, i'm not saying its bad... in fact every close and personal situation we encounter is a manipulation of sorts. Today i made a guy behind the food counter feel good about himself by being friendly and chatty. I gave him positive emotions which caused him to 'want' to serve me well. He did and we both walked away happy. Emotions are contagious and breed more of the same, and you can bring more of the same about just by allowing their very existence in your life. Even negative...

But such emotional exchanges, for want of a better label, need to have balance. A mutual acceptance of terms. Kinda like agreeing to 'play a game' by the rules dictated (unspoken) at the start. So for in order for the situation with the food counter guy to go smoothly, i had to give him something... i had to give him a good feeling and my attention. That took effort and energy on my part, so as not to appear false. He then agreed without needing to verbalise it to serve me in a pleasant and efficient manner.

It seems we enter all sorts of 'games' or unspoken contracts in life (Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne)... with our parents, with our managers, various games with different types of friends, and quite heavily with our lovers.

Usually the games are played out fairly with everyone taking their role and giving back as much as they get. However problems and broken contracts arise when the rules get twisted and negative outcomes occur. This happens when the 'manipulations' become more selfish. One person seeking to gain more or 'win' by force rather than allow the other to give freely, or just not giving or playing by the rules anymore. And this is why even if you 'know' what you must do to maintain balance within the relationship... your ego (whether it be a needy or overbearing one) can get in the way and mess things up.

Your limbic brain, also known as "lizard" or "reptilian" brain is the part of your mind that works beyond judgment and logic. It makes snap decisions needed in times of stress (fight or flight) and these are always very selfish because they exist only for survival. They are always negative and self-serving actions that don't take others into consideration. They can't, you have to protect you and you only so once this system engages... you will not be understanding to the needs and feelings of anyone else (bar maybe your offspring).

In times of extreme emotion or stress the limbic brain is often the part of you that takes over. Its the part of you that says those nasty retorts, gets hysterical and teary or runs away from the hurt (most women) or gets defensive and cold, shuts your emotional system down and cuts off all communication (most men). I've found myself doing some or all of these things when pushed into a corner, and only afterwards i've calmed down and gone "oh why the hell did i go off the rail like that?". It also seems the more familiar and comfortable the relationship, the lower the barrier you have shielding your limbic brain from the rest of your body... i'm not sure why this is. Maybe closer relationships have the ability to engage deeper more stressful conditions? Or maybe the hurt is so unexpected from someone so dear to you that the shock brings forward your most instinctive, most protective reaction?

So how do you keep a well deserving balance and not let your lizard brain do the talking? Well i've found that taking a break from the situation helps or bringing in a third perspective. The major problem i've found with both these scenarios is that this relies on the women to 'see' sense first and be the one with more understanding. Women are more likely to want to deal with the 'drama' straight away because their emotions are closer to the surface. Men on the other hand close off and deal with it later. So commonly women are required to ignore their natural instincts when in a stressful situation. This doesn't mean that men are reacting the right way, because more than likely they are avoiding the issue more than going away and thinking things through. But more often than not women are expected to comply with adapting to a man's world because men don't waste energy unnecessarily. But what if i was to say that it is necessary to make a women feel 'safe' about taking a time-out. We're so scared men will make us forget there was a bad feeling in the first place. Men are good at that. Thats why we cling on so tenaciously. We need that security. We need to know we can talk about it later and have our voice heard. Why don't men know this already?

All i get told is that women are irrational and dramatic and need to "just be cool" about things. I know us girls get 'over-emotional' and 'needy' and should calm down sometimes... but surely its a two way process? Why can't they men "understand women more" and realise we try so hard to be so tough and independent so much, all day long... that sometimes all we want is reassurance and guy's shoulder to cry on. I mean we're happy to live in an age where women are equal and all that shit.

We can cope with getting our own bookcases and building them, we can move house on our own and don't need any guy to drive the van or life heavy stuff, we never ask for their presence walking home in the dark every night, we fix our own cars, we manage our own finances, we buy our own homes and live in them, we nurture high-flying careers, we ignore our biological clock in case we scare off potential suitors, we do everything women weren't doing 50 years ago and we still do everything they always did - give birth, cook & clean, raise the children, look stunning but not slutty, act coy and demure but bold and daring, try not to encourage other guy's attentions (even when were supposed to want sex just as much as men?!) but be a raving sexual minx in the bedroom and be ready for it anytime of the day.... you know i could go on, but my point is in this day and age women are expected to be everything and more.

Men just don't seem to allow for the kind of strain this can put us into. They don't understand our emotions are just underneath the surface and rise up to engulf us at any given moment. Its not something they have to deal with so why should they? And yet us girls are constantly told how we must be to impress men and keep a guy interested, how we must think more like guys so that they understand and respect us more, yet keep our feminine charms. And you know what... i can do that, limbic brain or not i can be all and everything a guy desires in a woman. I enjoy making men want me and making men happy. All i ask is the same in return and a little support and understanding every now and again when the perfect mask slips. Just open your eyes and look around and see why i'm upset. Listen to the words i use. Try to understand, especially if i'm understanding you. Dont get defensive! Women don't always blame men for things, we're just upset and needy because we think emotionally (not having a go!) and think you can make it better even if you didn't make the hurt. We want to let you know what turmoil is going on inside, we want you to know the situation upsets us because you are so important to us (not because its your fault and you have to fix it!), yes you with your big buff body (that u spend hours in the gym moulding) we want you to just listen and feel glad we are upset over you because u mean so much and just hold us and be there and make us feel safe. Thats all...

Ok end of rant. My limbic brain obviously had a direct connection the keyboard just then! ;)

Is the 'juice' is worth the squeeze?

When it comes to relationships i often wonder if any guy is 'worth' it. What makes a guy different from the rest, that i would change my behaviour enough for the kind of compromise spending time with someone can demand?

Lately i've been too absorbed in my own love affairs and confused feelings to write anything of value on the matter. Truth is i simply don't know. But i'm exploring. I've asked a lot of men and women this question. And caught up in reading the 'TrueBlood' series, where the heroine Sookie encounters a variety of men problems, i'm beginning to understand the motivation behind putting yourself out there or not. And what have i found.... well that each situation is different and each coupling is unique,

but the main thing it comes down to is 'how they make you feel'.

Its always been about how someone makes you feel. And if you feel good enough for the majority of the time you spend with them, you will always seek them out to spend time with them because they make you happy/comfortable/safe/understood etc.

I used to think building up a deposit full of 'good shared emotions' with someone could set enough of a foundation so that if the shit ever hit the fan, you would still have those good feelings to fall back on - so you realise why you are making the effort, why this person is worth the squeeze. But this isn't the case. All it takes is a few well aimed blows at your achilles heel to knock off your rose-tinted glasses off and you no longer feel good about that person or good when you are around them. In fact you may feel a only tiny amount of negative emotions, but in the right forumula, they skew your view of the whole relationship enough to potentially want to leave it. I won;t divulge the storyline of the series but TrueBlood (the book version) has many examples of this happening between Sookie and her guy(s). He crosses one line, that is very important to her, and he is dust (no pun intended!).

For me i can tolerate a lot of guy drama. I'm a very understanding girl (that doesn't mean i would sit there and take shit from a guy either... I have my boundaries). Despite this there is one thing that i find i won't stick around for. And that's having to 'convince' someone i'm worth it too.

How do i feel when a guy makes me question what i'm worth to him? Well I feel like i've tried and failed. I feel disappointed. I feel tired, despondent and very alone. Like i'm fighting for something no one else wants. And i don't like to feel that no one has my back. That i'm exposed. I've never been good at sales. If the buyer doesn't see the value in the jewel i'm offering i lose interest. I've played all my cards. Its at this point i feel theres nothing left but to hold up my hands and walk away. Possibly increasing the initial price so he'll never have another chance at buying in to play another round ever again. Time wasters beware.

It turns out this is an 'emotional trigger for me. These are 'triggers' that can be traced back to an event or a series of events that led to an emotional reaction.

Mine I think it stems back to when i was going through a messy breakup with my long term ex. He would constantly play with my heart by changing his mind over if we were worth another go or not. He drew me back in several times in the subsequent years after we broke up (yes. years!) and i let him. In the end i learnt the hard way how to end it once and for all. My emotional baggage means that if anyone starts to remind me of my ex... i get restless and wary enough to feel that should be making a hasty exit. The feeling is not a nice one. Its choc full of old insecurities and fears and anyone who manages to flip these 'emotional triggers' gets associated with bad memories and emotions. No matter why they choose to exhibit that behaviour (Because most of the time people don't act the same way for the same reasons. And even if you know that... your 'emotional memory' won't.) And you will react according to habits in your chemistry, not through logic or reason.

So how does a guy trigger this emotion in me? The usual suspects - pulling away, seeming distant, sudden lack or passive communication, and of course.... telling me 'he isn't worth it' or 'he's not good enough for me'. These are all sins of my long term ex who just really did/said all those things because he knew he only wanted me around to boost his own ego and felt guilty for it. I stuck around because i 'thought' he just wanted space/time to miss me or to think and because i felt he was worth it and was good enough for me, but his low self-esteem prevented him from realising such a fact. If only i had cottoned on that he was only telling me these things just to get rid of me 'in a nice way' that made him look like a martyr.

I do wonder why he didn't just say 'I don't feel the same way and i'd rather you realised that now than later. You're lovely but i don't feel the connection with you that i'm looking for. I think we should end this now to avoid you getting hurt and allow me to find it with someone else.' but he didn't and i guess men will always say what they think women want to hear, rather than just the truth.

So anyway...

how do you know what is a 'trigger' for another person's baggage and insecurities? As the last thing you want to do is cause your lover to link you to their shitty past. In my experience you need to:

1) Know their boundaries and relationship history. What has caused them hurt and pain in the past? What do they tolerate well or not? What are they likely to get sensitive or 'over-react' to?

2) Build trust based on honesty. Be aware of your behaviour in similar situations that have caused them pain in the past. Even if your reasons are different and you can't avoid it, at least be honest about why you are acting this way so they can understand your reasons.

3) Be understanding about their irrational fears. Sometimes you'll feel like getting all defensive. This creates barriers of miscommunication through fear. Remember this isn't always about you. No one likes to open their heart and say what they are thinking, especially if they're likely to get shot down. Your reaction primes their future honesty on the matter. If you get shitty or don't understand.... they won't be likely to open up again ever.

And if you have these triggers?

I can only relay what i'm going through right now, which is so over whelming... the 'juice' just doesn't seem worthwhile going to all that effort. I do think my emotional trigger is not one to be taken lightly, and sometimes we have them for survival. Like learning that a flame will burn if you put your hand in a fire long enough. There are others though that are just plain over protective and can prevent you from finding happiness. Sometimes risks are part of life and even if the 'juice' is not that great, at least you can say you squeezed. It takes courage to do that without knowing what you're gonna get... i should know.

Reminds me of that age old saying.... "you should never regret the things you have done.... only the things you haven't".

"Friends" never goes out of fashion... but does 'Ross & Rachel'?

I love re-runs of 'friends'. They make me chuckle ;) The in-jokes and long standing '20 something and still dating' storylines... everybody can relate to a character and situation they've been in. That's why we like it so much, and why it will never go out of fashion, however dated the wardrobe & set.

Still i seem to be the only one a little frustrated by the tidy last episode when Ross & Rachel finally get together. Really? After 10 years? After Ross went a little odd and Rachel had a baby? I don't buy it. The whole 'meant to be together' thing is just so 90s. Or maybe its just to Hollywood. Movies and dramas have been selling us 'The One', 'guy gets girl' or 'soul mates & true love' script for so long, that we rose tint our way through life expecting it as reality... actually no, correction.... we desire a happy ever after but expect reality to be different. More disappointing. And true to form, we always get what we expect.

In my view the last few generations are confused. We are not the romantics of the early 20th century, who have set family values, classic marriages and courting rituals, nor have we adapted to the realism of the future. Our ideals still cling to the past, to what society used to deem as acceptable.... and yet our lifestyle suggest something very different. How can a woman in her 20s in this day and age live as she desires and yet still fit with historic ideals of what 'should' make her happy?

In the 90s, dramas like 'friends' clearly emphasized this confusion. Thousands of weak heroines like 'Bridget Jones' were our role models. Stupid 'rom-coms' where people mess up in love taught us to accept misunderstanding in each other (men & woman) and see drama or a challenge in love as normal - no guy ever gets the girl straight away, no girl ever has it all without it being by chance and the end-goal is always to be 'lucky in love'.

What happened to strong, independant leading ladies like Audrey Hepburn, Doris Day & Marilyn Monroe? Role models that gave men a run for their money? What happened to guys like James Dean, Cary Grant & Bogart? Men who knew what they wanted (usually the ladies) and charmed their way into getting it? The golden era may have had old-fashioned ideals, but it also had strong personalities to go with it. Now? it seems society is reluctant to let go of these ideals and what is right and wrong behaviour for people in love and relationships. We judge to make ourselves and our situations seem better by comparison and in this messed up world of adult angst, there is not one celebrity out there that i would want to emulate.

Ross & Rachel may have been the 'couple' we all understood and wanted to be in. But seriously... look at the cracks that splintered their relationship time and time again. Where is the 'gone with the wind' moment when he just kisses her and says 'frankly my dear i don't give a dam' and walks off and leaving her hanging because she took him very much for granted? It didn't happen. Ross was weak and too indirect with his intentions. He was sloppy and hesitated way too much in moments when he needed to just act. He had poor boundary function and then pushed her away with his inability to communicate them. And Rachel.... was callous and lacked empathy & understanding. She kept score and nagged. She flirted with other guys to get attention. And generally drove him away with her ego's inability to just 'let it go'. Its no wonder a ton of my friends (men and women) are constantly confused, out of love, and always in the 'friends zone'.... we grew up in our teen years watching 'friends' who were most of the time just that and nothing much else.

And why should Ross & Rachel just settle for each other after all this time? There is more to life, and always someone new, than going back to something that 'just didn't work in the first place'. We all need to let go of past failures and enjoy 'fresh blood' so to speak. I can't tolerate 'love' for love's sake.... it doesn't exist. Like anything 'love' is an addiction to good emotions and feel-good chemicals. And no one is a slave to addiction. We all have the power to face the fear of being on our own and not accept 'second-hand' romances. I know Audrey wouldn't have.... and that's good enough for me.

Inside the mind of a guy.... "why getting the girl is the most fun part of dating"

Oh yes. Meet Jamie Bamber ladies.... *sigh*.  He is one of the reasons i watch Battlestar Galactica. As well as it being an addictive storyline ;) 

And back to the reality. So last night i was reading Ocean Dreamer's blog (fantastic and insightful read btw) and her post about 'love' in tv shows being like real-life got me thinking about the differences between men and women (@ 8am in the morning i might add when i should be getting ready for work! i have a problem. maybe i should seek help?). 

It strikes me that for most women the objective of dating - a committed relationship - is the most important aspect of all. It the thing they get out of bed for, style their hair, dress provocatively, and flirt like its going out of fashion with any guy that will show her attention. The guy, if he passes some kind of test with her, just dangles the carrot of of something akin to that 'destination' in the future and oops she's already his. 

But men don't want a get a freebie or a handout. Men are competitive. They love sports like racing and play computer games where they skill up. They like to fix things and get good at certain talents like playing guitar. They love to pursue. And while us women won't understand why, it doesn't mean this is type of 'game' doesn't get him excited and the most fun part of the relationship is' the journey to the destination'.  In other words, when tv show & movie couples get to together it's not until the very end that they do. The rest of the time its a whole 'will they? won't they?' hook that keeps you coming back for more. The guys that write these dramas know that once we get that happy ending, they'll be losing half their audience. And even if us girls are sitting their rooting for their favourite couple to 'get together already!' and live happily ever after... you can so be sure that a guy will think differently (i've never seen a guy in a tv show forum whining that such and such should be married already. think about it. its true.)

So the key to understanding how a man wants to win the girl? Not the easy way. It has to be hard. You have to be a challenge. He wants to know that he has 'earned' the right to call you his girlfriend. Turn the tables.... you keep the carrot dangling for once. But don't let him lose every time. Play nice. Let him win a few rounds and then once the feeling of victory is in his blood. Once the hunt is on. He'll be begging for more. And just when he thinks he's losing.... he'll fight even harder to win. And then once he has you, once he finally gets his trophy, he can brag about it to his boyfriends. But no guy will brag if the trophy was just given to him. Theres no challenge or struggle in that. I'm reminded of something i read once "the women is the jewel. the man provides the setting". Just remember to let him do all the hard work cutting the diamond, and crafting the metal first ;)

Funny thing is, once they guy is 'banging on your door with a bunch of roses'.... you may just not want him anymore. Attraction is a strange thing, and its true we always want what we can't have. Even us ladies...

Why she is always miserable and he doesn't seem to care....

I'm fresh off the phone from explaining the difference between how men and women react to stress in relationships and the bad behaviours they prefer when they care about the situation. 

I say 'prefer' because sometime the roles reverse.... but most of the time, a girl gets visibly upset (crying, moaning, angry etc), and the guy gets distant (silence, coldness, defensive etc). These tools we use to get our way, to get attention or to just deal with our feelings can happen almost sub-consciously. And before we know it we have alienated the one we love so quickly and effectively that its no wonder all my friends say they 'don't understand the opposite sex'.

Now i'm a girl and since i noticed my 'bad behaviour' i've been more aware of how it affects the men in my life. 

Here's a breakdown of a typical female 'needy' reaction:

What - Emotion overload... crying, thinking 'poor me' and 'he doesn't care', getting depressed, sulking, nagging, slagging him off to her friends, moaning or getting mean and angry

Why - To get attention or 'caring' reaction to feed her ego. To see if the guy really cares.

When - In a stressful situation she can't control. To force the issue and confront it head on so the neediness is satisfied by drama

Outcome - Arguments & ultimatums

How to deal with it - A guy shouldn't pander to her sulks or crying with a hug or approval seeking behaviour. It will just reward her tantrums. Instead acknowledge she is upset, and tell her you understand why she reacting that way. Tell you care but you're not willing to talk about it until later (agree a time in neutral territory) when you are both calmer. 

Now i understand this behaviour as it used to be mine. I know how it feels to want answers, to wish the guy would open up and just talk to me about the way he feels. Its like a steam engine... once it starts to build up momentum its hard to extract yourself from the crime scene with dignity. You have to kill the emotion dead at the first stirrings of 'doubt' and 'self-pity'. I find it very hard to do, mainly because my emotions lay just beneath the surface. I feel first and think later.

Now when a guy gets stressed he can have a completely different 'bad behaviour'. One that us girls don't understand. Because we don't react like that when we care about the situation, so why do men? This is the downfall of communication in a relationship. The women thinking the man doesn't care because he reacts differently. The fact is men don't react the same way... they react in a polar opposite. It doesn't mean they aren't affected by the issue or care less. It just means that they do care but they don't know how to handle their feelings in a mature way yet. 

Here is a breakdown of a typical male 'needy' reaction:

What - Emotional shutdown... silent treatment, abrasive or flippant remarks, sulking, getting busy with work/x-box, seeking time alone, not listening and getting defensive. 

Why - To get attention, feed his ego, or put off having to deal with it right now and hoping it will go away.

When - In stressful situation he can't control. When he needs time to think and make the right choice. When he doesn't know what to think. 

Outcome - Cold fronts & Miscommunication.

How to deal with it - A girl shouldn't start to doubt that he cares or ask him 'whats wrong'. The first will lead to a build up of negative emotion which can erupt sooner or later. The latter will draw attention to the fact that you are sensitive to there being 'a problem', and he may deny it and you'll look and feel stupid for over-reacting. Best advice. Leave him be. Ignore it and then later when he is back to normal ask him in a calm, curious manner, if anything was on his mind lately. If he denies it then point out that you noticed his rudeness/coldness or lack of attention and how it made you feel and kinda upset you, but nothing you couldn't handle. Next time though maybe he could clarify what is going on inside his mind so you don't jump to conclusions?

So how to deal with stress so you don't fall into the behaviours above? Well honesty is a good start, and willingness to communicate, and it has to come from a place of reason and understanding of the other. You wouldn't fly off the handle or get cold and aloof with a colleague at work would you? And in a way a relationship is like a business. You both have needs and they need to be met and compromise negotiated. So in a stressful situation i like to try a method that works in any situation. I've stolen it from material on emotional intelligence (EI), a course i attended last year for work actually!

1) Be aware of how your behaviour affects others and the way they feel.

2) What do you feel and are you expressing it in an intelligent way to convey that feeling?

3) Stop thinking of what you want and what you need and instead focus on the needs and wants of the other person. Put yourself in their position.

4) Try to understand why they are reacting/behaving a certain way and communicate that you are trying.

5) Realise they will behave differently from you so don't compare to what you know and can make sense of. They are not you.

6) Now ask them to understand where you are coming from and convey your feelings.

7) Do not let your emotions overwhelm or control you. A reasonable response to any situation will always get the other person's respect. 

Inside the mind of a guy... "she just wants a boyfriend"

A few of my friends are in the first flush of dating a guy they really like. They tell me they have a great time together and he seems is really into her, but something he said recently was a little off…. like "I know you just want a boyfriend…" or "I'm no good for you…" or even "Lets just take things slow".

And as you can imagine my friends asked me why. It wasn't like they wanted to speed things up? And surely she can make her own choice about whether a guy is good enough for her? And most girls, who have an ounce of intelligence, do not want just any guy to be their boyfriend. They are selective. They are dating to assess if the guy is a loser or not and if they want him to hang around.

Speaking from experience. I can't even consider having a guy to be my boyfriend unless
1) I care about him
2) I like & respect the guy

I can't develop the emotional attachment enough to care or know if I like who he is a person if I don't get to spend time with him and 'just' date for a period first.

Unfortunately there are a lot of girls out there who do "just want a boyfriend". They are looking for the security of someone to look after them. They need men in their life and usually they are never without a guy in tow. The qualities they look for are power, status & money. And maybe looks if she can afford to be picky. I call these women 'table hawks'… because they are the girls that gravitate towards tables in nightclubs. They collect free drinks from men like badges of honour. And they use sex as barter to get what they want. Its these girls that give men the impression that any girl worth having comes with a unforgiving price tag…
So in the mind of guy… all women want boyfriends. And we only want him for the things he can provide, like his job prospects (because we may not have any of our own?), his status in his social circle or his looks (because we want him for show and to make us look good?) and his money (because we all want a guy to pay?).

It suddenly makes you realise why a guy goes to so much effort to develop these things. He thinks that is all he is to us. A meal ticket to a better life. And hence the reason why he'd rather 'not' be your boyfriend and just be friends who sleep together instead. Being a 'boyfriend' comes with responsibility and well as the commitment. And you must so be worth it if he's going to give you all of that… and he won't know if you are after just 2-3 dates.

Now us girls. We are creatures who 'feel' first. We just want to have a deep connection with a guy. We want to fall in love. We want a guy who gets us, who understands us, respects & appreciates us. A guy who makes us feel sexy and safe. Someone we can care for yet doesn't need us. A guy who makes us laugh. A guy with a good heart who will treat us right. Yes… we want the fairytale and we think we find it… often.

Imagine this. You're a girl. You just met a guy and the way he makes you feel is amazing. There's this connection you have, he understands you, he seems really into you, he's charming, funny, sweet... and you suddenly think 'I feel like I've known him all my life'. You start to imagine a life together. He seems perfect. And so you ask him 'where is this going' or you act like 'he is the One'.

Now this is dangerous! What you are feeling is not 'love'. It is a chemical reaction (oxytocin etc) to how he makes you feel when you are around him. Sure you like him as a person but you can't really know a him after a few dates. It takes time to develop a 'real' connection & understanding. Now I call this 'emotional attachment'. And most girls (or guys) can slip into one very easily if they are in touch with their emotions. Most men on the other hand do not develop this as much in the beginning and come from a place of physical attraction, logic and reason rather than 'feelings' when they are dating. Usually this logic/reason is thinking that the only reason you want him to be your boyfriend (because seriously you can't know him that well yet) is because of what he can provide. See the miscommunication here?

So my advice? Well girls I can only tell you what I've researched and what I've tried, tested and what worked:

1) Think like a guy. Ignore your emotional feelings for him. They are not true. Instead assess his qualities as he is assessing yours. Is he worth all the trouble of committing and the added responsibility? Is he a guy you can respect and like? What do you like about him? What drives you crazy? Why should you date him? Does he want to fit within your boundaries? Take your time. Have fun. Its not a race.

2) Communicate & feel hesitancy. Let him know you still aren't sure if he meets the mark. Tell him what you value in a guy and what your boundaries are from day one. Let him rise to meet the challenge of making you his. I say 'feel' as well because you can't fake something you don't feel. Change the way you think, go back to step one.

3) Compliment him & show affection. When I ask my friends if they tell their guy what they like about him… they say they don't. This is a shock to me. I mean the poor guy. No wonder he's confused and wonders why you are with him. Now I'm not saying lie. You have to be honest. But there's nothing needy with telling a guy what makes your world spin, especially if he's the one that does it. It actually sub-communicates a powerful message that you know what you like and you're not afraid to express it. I always tell a guy how he makes me feel. That I find him sexy or that I love the way he cares about his friends and his generosity. If he has a skill, focus on it and tell him you think he's amazing at it. Tell him you love the way his hair curls at the back. Tell him his kisses drive you crazy. Tell him you love his addiction to buying potted plants…. Basically open up and tell him all the things you would normally write in your diary or dissect with your girlfriends on the phone. And touch him like you can't keep your hands off him. Massage his shoulders while he sits on the computer. Grab him in for an unexpected kiss. Show him how he makes you feel. Trust me the guy will lap it up and feel there is another reason you keep him around…. And its not anything to do with his bank account or the letters after his name.

Now I'm not saying this is a way to ensure you will get a boyfriend! This post is not about that…. this is about reminding girls out that not every guy you date would make a good boyfriend, even if he seems to good to be true. Know your boundaries (e.g. exclusivity, commitment, quality time) and stick to them, because only then will you be happy with your choices. You don't even have to use the label 'boyfriend' if he is already agreeing to your boundaries unless of course you want to. For me the boundaries are there to stop me getting hurt by a guy I choose to spend time with... not to ensnare a husband.

And a note to the boys out there… I apologize if you don't think this way. You are amazing and very emotionally mature if you understand why women behave the way they do. We wish more men could be like you ;)

We collect what we project...

According to Robin Sharma, author of 'The Monk who sold his Ferrari'...

'other people in our lives are mirrors of our true selves'.

Meaning: We only really appreciate positive qualities in another person if we can recognise them in ourselves first, and are particularly sensitive to negative traits in others if we also possess them.

And life, being the way it is, finds a way to bring these people to you. In a sense - we collect what we project in order to show us truly who we are, and of course, learn from it, deal with it, and move on.

On self-reflection? Well more so these days I'm able to recognise and truly appreciate if someone is emotionally intelligent/mature or not. And as i'm learning to avoid being controlled by my emotions i'm also learning to see this in those around me.

How do i do this? I'll try to explain. Ok, imagine an art dealer... now the more experience they have, the more an 'intuition' develops so that so many years of experience can assist them in just 'knowing' a fake from an original without being able to say why. Malcolm Gladwell talks about the power of this, 'thin-slicing', in his book 'Blink'. A great read. I can't recommend it enough.

Interestingly i've also read that 'you're only as good as the people closest to you... so choose them wisely.' It seems I tend to attract people into my life who are dealing with the same dramas and issues i am, and/or who are the same level or place in their life. Which is why my social circles have changed vastly in the last 6 months. I'm just not the person i used to be.

So is it the people around us that lend their defining traits our way first that we absorb like a sponge? or do they enhance the qualities in you that you both share, having been attracted to a feeling of 'i can relate to this person, they understand me, we share the same qualities' in the beginning?

Either way, i'm constantly attracting men who are not likely to express themselves emotionally. They are detached and almost aloof at times (control drama #1).

Much to my surprise, a friend gave me food for thought when she described me as in the same way as the men i date! Truth is, she may be right. I don't let anyone in as easily anymore, especially the men. And if how you feel/behave is reflected back. Then the 'coolness' i'm feeling from the men i date is probably something i need to address in myself first.

So has been worthwhile looking at those close to me and seeing my 'real' projected self? i would say yes... in 2007-08 i was an emotional wreak and attracted people who were just as flaky or needy as i was. I can see i learnt from being around them, and found out who i was enough to change. And now in 2009 i do have friends who are dealing with intimacy issues... but i'm also surrounded a lot more by people i respect and who have independance, grace, energy and passion enough for me to see that those talents at least are in me too.

Nice to know ;)