What a difference a day makes... or "the art of forgiving a man"

My New Years gift to you ladies...

Meet Paul Wesley, rising star in the new teen-drama hit 'the vampire diaries'.... *sigh* and yes i too get shivers all over just looking at this picture ;)

Ok back to the article...

Sooo every morning i wake up and for a barest of minutes while i slumber between wake and dreaming, there is nothing on my mind. It is empty. And then it dawns like a bad memory and the unresolved emotions come flooding back to bite me in the ass. There lies a soft sadness that lingers at the back of my throat. Noted i proceed to get up and get out and on with my day.

It takes me the next 12 hours of walking, reading, working, people watching and eating to fully dissolve that sadness into nothing. I've devised this concept of fully immersing myself in feeling, whatever it is, and riding it out. I don't mean moping or dwelling on it like a stroppy teenager, i mean taking whatever raw emotion it is and tracing it back to the source. I want to know where it comes from, how it developed, what makes it better/worse, i want to understand every aspect of this feeling until it feels like nothing but a gift of knowing myself better.

By nighttime the feeling has been transformed from "this really hurts me" to "this was never about me"...

Forgiveness isn't about condoning what someone did to you in the past. Its not about saying that you are worth less because you accept the way they treated you. Its about accepting it and realising others only hurt you because they were in some form of fear about their own lives.

... it was always about them.

and when you finally accept this opportunity to become more open and less judgemental, to learn the lesson, well you let go and finally move on. And dump the not-so-desirable emotional baggage that makes you feel drained just carrying it around all day.

Until this week i was still carrying the pain and hurt from a very old relationship. I had never forgiven him. Funny because i didn't even realise i needed to forgive. That's how arrogant i can be. But not forgiving keeps you stuck in the past, living in denial-ville (thank you Isa), and repeating the same mistakes and accusations over and over and over.

I got no room for this baggage in 2010. Time to travel light i say.

L x

Inside the mind of a guy.... "why getting the girl is the most fun part of dating"

Oh yes. Meet Jamie Bamber ladies.... *sigh*.  He is one of the reasons i watch Battlestar Galactica. As well as it being an addictive storyline ;) 

And back to the reality. So last night i was reading Ocean Dreamer's blog (fantastic and insightful read btw) and her post about 'love' in tv shows being like real-life got me thinking about the differences between men and women (@ 8am in the morning i might add when i should be getting ready for work! i have a problem. maybe i should seek help?). 

It strikes me that for most women the objective of dating - a committed relationship - is the most important aspect of all. It the thing they get out of bed for, style their hair, dress provocatively, and flirt like its going out of fashion with any guy that will show her attention. The guy, if he passes some kind of test with her, just dangles the carrot of of something akin to that 'destination' in the future and oops she's already his. 

But men don't want a get a freebie or a handout. Men are competitive. They love sports like racing and play computer games where they skill up. They like to fix things and get good at certain talents like playing guitar. They love to pursue. And while us women won't understand why, it doesn't mean this is type of 'game' doesn't get him excited and the most fun part of the relationship is' the journey to the destination'.  In other words, when tv show & movie couples get to together it's not until the very end that they do. The rest of the time its a whole 'will they? won't they?' hook that keeps you coming back for more. The guys that write these dramas know that once we get that happy ending, they'll be losing half their audience. And even if us girls are sitting their rooting for their favourite couple to 'get together already!' and live happily ever after... you can so be sure that a guy will think differently (i've never seen a guy in a tv show forum whining that such and such should be married already. think about it. its true.)

So the key to understanding how a man wants to win the girl? Not the easy way. It has to be hard. You have to be a challenge. He wants to know that he has 'earned' the right to call you his girlfriend. Turn the tables.... you keep the carrot dangling for once. But don't let him lose every time. Play nice. Let him win a few rounds and then once the feeling of victory is in his blood. Once the hunt is on. He'll be begging for more. And just when he thinks he's losing.... he'll fight even harder to win. And then once he has you, once he finally gets his trophy, he can brag about it to his boyfriends. But no guy will brag if the trophy was just given to him. Theres no challenge or struggle in that. I'm reminded of something i read once "the women is the jewel. the man provides the setting". Just remember to let him do all the hard work cutting the diamond, and crafting the metal first ;)

Funny thing is, once they guy is 'banging on your door with a bunch of roses'.... you may just not want him anymore. Attraction is a strange thing, and its true we always want what we can't have. Even us ladies...

Can you have too much attraction... and still be friends?

Meet Penn Badgley.... ummmmm. He's very hot. Blake is a lucky girl ;)

And where was i? Oh yes, so lately i've been wondering if it could ever work. The whole 'lets just be friends' thing. I can see it happening very firmly when at least one of the couple is not attracted to the other. Usually its the girl. We have this ability to switch off our 'desires' by way of a positive feedback mechanism. The less we get the less we want (and the opposite is true too) Makes it easy to become celibate, should you ever want to do that (and i have for a whole year, and it was not that hard actually).

But what if the two of you are still really, really attracted to each other, I mean clothes ripping, hair pulling, omg i can't stand the sexual tension kinda attraction? Hmmm ok imagine the scene. You're cool friends, you get on really well, you used to have a thing but now its over, you still hang out and still actually like hanging out. There are moments when it feels right... his hand on your waist, the lingering kiss on the cheek, the drunken flirting when you're together that gets everyone confused, even the both of you. What is with that? 

I remember seeing my long term ex for a catch up drink one night and the it amazed me, that after 6 months of not seeing or talking to each other, the attraction we had was still red hot. The connection was always amazing with him, and maybe thats why it hurt so much for me to learn to let it go. How did i deal with it? Well i cut him out of my life. Being that attracted to someone i didn't want to be with was frustrating and it ruined any type of friendship we were trying to cultivate. Friends don't kiss... end of.

I think its harder once you have known someone intimately. Especially for a girl. Our desires grow with comfort and familiarity. If we have been there before, it feels so right the next time that its hard to restrain yourself. Your body innately responds to his without your consent. You remember how it felt when he kissed you last, when he touched you... 

Compare that to a guy you've never let anywhere near your bed - you have nothing to draw on to fuel the fire. Its like starting from scratch in my experience. Even if you are majorly attracted, the 'devil you know' is always more of an allure. 

And in both cases... too much attraction is exactly what it is, although in my book its harder to go back to friendship once you have been a little more. 

So where do you draw the line? Well i'm loathe to remove anyone from my life who i actually like, no matter how much i hate the fact they make my knees weak at the slightest touch. And i think an unplanned drunken kiss between two ex-lovers is nothing to be shy about. I love kissing but not with just anyone, and who better to kiss than someone who does it well and knows my body as well as i do? And after that, i'm resolute enough to say no and mean it. 

And friendship? Well i used to be able to say yes, you can still be friends. In all those cases though, i found the guy became less attractive to me once we ended things (because i ended things). Except for my long-term ex, who turned me 180 degrees when i realised no you can't remain friends, because you had never been friends in the first place... and if there is still attraction, there is still something.

So in all honest truth? I'm not sure. The only thing i can say is if you can, kill the attraction you have for them. Which is easier said than done:

1) Spend less time with them. Out of sight, out of mind. Remove temptation if just for short while until your body forgets. Although i'm not sure if your body ever forgets. Just when i think its ok to test the water, i'm back to square one. On some level your body must become sensitised to the chemicals of the other person and all it takes is one moment alone and you're lost.

2) Imagine that they are gay/straight or just not available? I have this thing in my head where i place a guy into a 'friend-zone' box. It works better when they are not around though to mess things up. 

3) Find a distraction. This is the only cure i know that works. Go out and start dating. I find as soon as i'm all smitten with another guy, i've lost attraction for the 'friend'. 

And as for the answer to my question. I'll let you know...

More naked men pls....

One thing i'm a little tired of is reading men's blogs on dating and having to look at their pictures of naked women all the time. I can appreciate a girl with a nice ass.... i really can. But i can appreciate the male form so much better ;)

So i'm going to be posting my all time favourites for a while in my articles. Just to even things out:

Meet Justin Hartley. Also known as 'Oliver' or the 'The Green Arrow' in Smallville. And yes i only watch that show for three things, Tom Welling without a shirt on, Justin Hartley without a shirt on & the sci-fi fantasy storylines (i'm a geek what can i say. i love that stuff).

Sexy ripped abs & jeans? washing a cute dog? This is my dream guy...