"My control drama is..." or "anger management for dummies"

When i rant about something i end to go on and on. Tonight, having dinner with Marshall was no exception. I was tired and very tense at the end of my tirade. He told me to 'chill'. I hate being told what to do, especially what to feel. I found myself getting defensive, interrogating him, asking him... well no telling him 'hey look i was just having a bad day'. Ok that he understood. He relaxed into an easy smile, open and understanding, and asked if he could help.

I sighed "You can't help me. Only i can change the way i feel about things." I felt like i was being brave and adult. Aware that this 'bad day' was all my own making.

Marshall never judges me, but this time he held up his hands like he was giving up. i was a lost cause. "oh well bless you then" and started laughing more loudly. I told him to shut up, but as soon as i said it i grinned too. I wanted to hit him and hug him at the same time.

"I'm angry all the time." I admitted to him, annoyed that i didnt know how to get past these pent up emotions without taking it out on those around me. Marshall nodded and winked the cheeky way he does sometimes. "Hey im the same. Why do you think we're attracted as friends? I see myself in you, so i understand you. But you know anger is caused by your frustration at wasted energy. All it takes someone to try to control you, take energy from you, and it traps you into giving it to them unwillingly. You don't like it so you get angry."

"Ok, but how do i go from feeling normal to suddenly wanting to bend iron?" It cant just be frustration surely?

"Well it starts by you blaming yourself because they make you feel bad. Then you blame them instead for making you feel that way in the first place. The negative energy has nowhere to go but outwards towards them. Strangely you are still giving that person your attention, even if it is negative, so they get what they want... your energy, your time, your focus. Because their behaviour gets them what they want, subconciously they may keep on doing it. We do what works, and so a cycle begins. Overall its your anger that fuels the fire without you realising it."

I understood energy was the same as attention but i wasn't clear on how someone could trap you into giving them your energy. "Ok, so how to other people trap you into the cycle in the first place?" It was a simple question i know as there are many ways to make people angry. But it wasnt examples of stupid or provoking behaviour i wanted. I needed more definition. A theory.

In all seriousness, thinking of the right words, he leaned back and raised an eyebrow with an air of authority (something i've never been able to do no matter how many times ive practiced in a mirror!). Marshall knew what kind of answer i was looking for, and of course he delivered.

"Ok, well you know about the four control dramas right?" I nodded. I did. Control dramas are the acts we perform that manipulate attention from other people... a way to be in control.

He started to tick them off on one hand. "Intimidation, Interrogation, aloofness and.."

"Poor me?" I add.

"Yes exactly. In fact everyone has a dominant control drama, one of the four, in their life that they fall back into out of habit. Its up to us to recognise it, become aware of it and recondition ourselves to act in a different way. One that isn't controlling. For instance, which one do you think you are?"

I pondered this question carefully, mainly because i'd never realised one was more dominant. "But i think i've used them all in the past." I admitted... a little regretfully because they are not nice things to use on other people no matter what the situation. Most of the time i don't even know i'm acting in this way because i can't see past how i feel at that time, and i always have an excuse that i tell myself to justify it all.

"Yes of course everyone uses all four dramas, but there is one that is used the most by you. Look to your parents. What do they use, or more exact what did they use towards you when you were young? Your dominant control drama is usually fixed when you are young by those who bring you up."

Now this i could see. Funny how you can see the flaws of others more readily than yourself isnt it? I told him what i thought their dramas were when i was younger, and what they were now.

Immediately he had the answer. "You will be the opposite then, so your main drama is 'aloofness'."

I was about to disagree, because i thought i was probably either 'poor me' or 'intimidator' from recent crossfires between those close to me. But looking back i'm actually very aloof, and a lot of people say this about me more than anything else. In fact no one has ever said i intimidate them or that i play the role of a victim. I'm always being told that i'm very closed, distant, and hard to get to know. Sheepishly i smiled and nodded. He had my control drama spot on.

"Yes! yes you are haha! like that time you were avoiding me for weeks and weeks when you thought i was upset with you and you were angry at me.... and when i finally got hold of you, you were like 'I wasnt avoiding you. What do you mean? i was just busy and this and that. Dont get so upset'. Can you see? the dominant control drama is very easily changed into the others when you are not aware. You switched from aloofness to interrogation when your aloofness didnt work anymore. Which is why you think you have all four. You do, but they are linked to the dominant one, and in such a way that once you get rid of it, your aloofness, the rest will go too." He grinned, glad he was right. I had to admit he had me pegged, and I very much wanted to (playfully) shove him off his chair. Honestly. Its like being teased by a annoying big brother.

I grumbled. "Hmmm.... I guess you're right. Recently i argued with a friend, and instead of making it up or talking about it, i wanted to avoid it so didnt mention it again and contacted her a little less than usual. It seems when anything bad happens or i don't want to deal with it.... my way of controlling the situation is to leave it all together."

"But" I added. "though i can't tolerate people who are 'poor me' or ' interrogator' types... naturally they either get me angry (intimidator) or i shut them off and get all distant (aloofness). I don't think im like that with people who are also 'aloof', like me. They tend to get me curious at first, maybe little frustrated with lack of communication, as a last resort i may get interrogator like. Thats kinda like nagging right? Still i find im more tolerant of people who are 'aloof', or i get angry with them less."

Marshall took a sip of his tea. "Well of course. We are attracted to people we understand. You understand 'aloofness' because it is your main way of controlling. However if someone is better at it than you it also becomes a challenge and if you are sucked into the drama... it is always the opposite tact that you will adopt to try to gain control again. With aloof people you act 'interrogator' to get attention and as you know first hand they just shut you out even more... and 'poor me' types turn you into an 'intimidator' to retaliate back when they use their drama to make you feel bad for them."

I frowned. I didnt like being sucked in to drama or making people angry. Other people made me angry and i ended up annoyed with myself for losing my rag and annoyed with them for causing me to lose it. I asked him how to avoid such a situation happening. I didn't want to be controlled but i didnt want to try and control others either.

"Just be aware and it will stop. As soon as you recognise your behaviour and theirs, you will become more understanding of why they are acting this way and more open to allow your attention to freely move towards them. After all thats all they want. Then, and only then will you not feel anger. The anger builds because you do not want to give. You are resisting it."

"But isnt that giving in?" I wondered.

"Nope. It is like being more evolved. Like a parent with a child, and knowing that the only way to move forward is through your maturity to see beyond the fight between you. When two kids fight over a toy, neither one can see that there is no point in fighting over the toy. They both want it and will act like spoilt children to get it. Throwing tantrums in a way." His eyes creased up in the corners as he said this, looking knowingly at me! "It is only when one is an adult that they can see that the toy is meaningless and can give it to the child and make him happy or brush aside the tantrum itself with a little patience and understanding, as ultimately it will never deteriorate their love for the child."

I sat for a minute taking this in and suddenly felt tired. I must have looked it because Marshall shook his head. "Its difficult to do all the time, to be aware. I still get angry with others a lot.... "

"but of course" He gave a heartfelt sigh that said life was indeed hardwork "... you know thats because i'm always right!" His sudden stupid grin was infectious and i suddenly knew why i would always feel good around Marshall.

He always knew how to make me laugh. And I did.

"Yes! So being aware is the first step, but laughing is also good!" He chuckled loudly like he does while i was still laughing and the whole restaurant looked over at us doubled up over nothing. Sometimes its like that with Marshall. We just laugh.

Communications Barriers Part 1 - 'Understanding women, their need to talk and what they want'

Theres an issue/drama/miscommunication.... whatever. The first thing that happens? Women get upset, and the one thing they want to do is talk about it.

Why? Well it makes us feel better... And by talking about a problem and how we feel, we think that we'll eventually understand what went wrong in the first place. Its also about about having a safe space to open up, be understood and trust the other person not to punish us for being honest about our fears.

Men, as most of you know, deal with their emotions internally. Its not often a guy will call up his friends to 'talk' about how he feels. In fact most men find this type of analytical approach draining and if he's an emotionally stunted individual he'll call it 'drama' and avoid it all together.

Still even if he's a cool guy and willing to listen, its not fair to take him on the same rollercoaster ride of emotions as we experience it. 1. He wont be able to follow your breakneck speed of processing everything at once and will get confused. And 2. He'll either shut down completely or try an placate you with the phrase "i'll do what you want".

Killer that isnt it Girls?

So part 1 of this article is written for men on 'understanding women' and how not to get to the 'upset' part in the first place. Hopefully some of it will stick.

Rule 1. Simply to women... 'everything has a meaning'

Men let me explain. Why she feels the need to talk is because (stupidly) she has given a whole range of reasons to every action you do (or don't do) and a double meaning behind everything you say (or don't say). Women just do this... don't ask why.

If for any reason she is feeling low/emotional (say time of the month or bad day at work) then that reason may turn out to be negative one. After a while the negative reasons build up, proving to her in a way you'll never understand, that you don't love her or care for her, until she needs you to reassure her with a 'talk' to make her feel better...

An example of this negative association:

Her: hey so do you need me to pick you up from the airport?
Him: what? oh no its ok now, John will drive up
Her: oh ok... are you sure
Him: yeah its fine. Don't trouble yourself.

*In her mind the reason is you either don't want to see her and spend time with her or don't think she can do the job as good as john.

Now all this anxiety on her part can be dispersed by simply adding the reason in yourself straight away:

Her: hey so do you need me to pick you up from the airport?
Him: what? oh no its ok now. John will drive up, but only because i know you have work in the morning and as much as i'd love to see you, i may be a bit grumpy after the flight and i'd hate for you to have to deal with me when i'm like that.
Her: oh of course, i understand. I just wanted to see you.
Him: I know. We'll do something when i get back ok.

So if you don't give her a meaning she will look for one or make one out of thin air or even worse... her girlfriends will tell what the meaning is and it'll be 100x worse that the real reason (and thats when you need to be digging your grave).

Rule 2. Never say "I'll do what you want"

I understand men want to make women happy. And that means finding out what they want and giving it to them right? So asking a girl "what do you want?" and then doing it seems like the best solution to the problem....

Wrong. It will never work because again she will assign a reason to that type of behaviour and if she is feeling low/emotional at the time (and usually when guys reach this point the girl is a mess of tears and stuff) then she will give it a negative reason. That reason is 'he doesn't care what he does because he doesn't really care about me'...

Ok thats a hard one. To a guy its logical. Its what you'd love to hear a girl say to you... but seriously you're putting what you'd want on her and expecting her to like it. Women need to feel that the guy cares and if you push all the responsibility of 'what to do'... whether it be a simple thing like what movie to see or something serious like staying friends after a breakup... she will see that as you don't. Because for women, taking responsibility requires effort, and effort to understand her and know her well means you care a hell of a lot.

So how do you find out what to do? And i know you don't because so many times a guy has said to me "I can't win!"... My advice is to tell her what you want (with reasons!) and then let her decide if she wants to go along with it or not.

Rule 3. Don't punish her or take it personally if she wants to tell you how she feels about the relationship

Some men have this habit of thinking they are 'easy-going' or 'laid-back'. To women this feels like they are cold and distant, cut off from their feelings. They'll punish a girl by saying comments like 'oh just chill out', 'stop nagging' or 'don't worry so much'.... and even worse just avoid her or refuse to engage, staring at her behind a mask of complete aloofness. This type of guy shifts the blame of the issue on to the girl by making her feel that she is 'wrong' to get so upset and that she is causing 'unnecessary drama'.

Sometimes that is the case... women can be drama queens i agree. But its all about balance. If she has shown to be understanding in the past, tolerated difficult behaviour from you on numerous occasions, then a drama queen she isn't. Talk in a relationship should be more than just about fun or sex and shouldn't be taken as a criticism by him when she is only expressing her fears.

Without going into detail on how to deal with her emotions on a mature level... I'll leave you with an article on the 3 signs of a healthy mature man. It should give you some tips on what women are looking for and its written by a guy of course so im hoping it will make more sense to the male brain than my girly chatter.
http://www.datingquestionsforwomen.com/3-signs-of-a-healthy-mature-man

Right enough beating up the men ;) part 2 will attempt to understand why guys do what they do and will follow shortly... stay tuned.

Lx

The real reason why women flake...

So one minute everything is going well and you manage to hook a first/second date with that girl you really like. You're texting, flirting, looking forward to seeing how far she'll let you go when u finally meet... and then like a lightbulb (or an oven) she no longer seems turned-on and interested, and even worse she cancels or flakes out on your date.

So what went wrong?

Boys, quite simply.... she has no emotional investment in you - the only reason a girl would continue to spend time on any guy, despite how much attraction you're pulling.

Let me explain... us girls, we love to talk and 'connect'. Something almost akin to a myth among men that they often mistake having a connection with doing either of the following:

'relentless grilling in the quest to know everything about her' (boring)

'uninvited sexual flirting that makes her skin crawl' (slimey/gross)

or

ditch the 'connection' side of things and hope that by not texting/flirting before the date she'll still want to meet.

In all cases forget it. I'll give you some examples:

The 'i cant be bothered to create a connection' technique

A guy i met once contacted me after he got back from travelling. We were in contact when he was away but to be honest his emails were so 'today we went skiing and saw the indigenous monkeys that lived in the undergrowth of blah, blah..' that shamefully i used to delete them before i read them just to have free space in my inbox again.

Anyway he got back and text me to straight away to meet up. I remembered he was cute and said 'cool' as at the time i was willing give him a chance and to re-acquaint myself with his personality. Me, i like to 'look forward' to meeting a guy and that means i want to have a smile on my face when his name pops up in my messages. Only i never got to a 'smile' with him... more of a half cheek twitch that is kinda like a silent 'meh' only with less effort.

His mistake was no matter how much i tried to keep flirty banter going on msn or email, he cut it short everytime. In the end even i did not know why i had agreed to meet up when the time came and was unwilling to waste an evening with someone who didn't seem to want to indulge in some lighthearted flirting with me in any shape or form. It was like a blind date only worse cos i was worried that i hadn't forgotten his personality... maybe he just didn't have one?

The 'do you know what i want to do to you' technique:

Another example is a close friend of mine met a guy who seemed really nice. She was initially attracted to him and actually was looking forward to setting another date, when a few days later he asked her if she wanted to know what he was thinking about. The conversation had been about weekend so she wasn't prepared for him to get sexual without her initiating that sort of chat first. She said 'sure' and regretted it almost immediately when he proceeded to tell her in glorious detail what he wanted to do to her right now. She was at work and it was 10am and she hadn't even kissed this guy yet. It was an immediate turn off.

The 'question tennis or i'm practicing to be a hairdresser' technique

Guys who want to date me have this really bad habit of adding me on msn and then grilling me non-stop about my life. I get so bored i tend to switch off and revert to one word answers. If i want to talk about myself i would ping a friend or write in my blog. It usually starts with 'how are you' and the they move on to ask about work, your house, your brother and sister, your pet hamster, your msn status, your weekend, your holiday... and politely you end up saying 'lol' or 'u?' so the poor guy isn't just talking to himself.

One guy actually persisted every day for over a year until he finally asked for my phone number. Sometimes i feel bad that i'm not giving these nice guys a chance so in this instance i actually did. Weeks later he was still texting the same style of text over and over - the kind that i find i stop reading they are so boring and never have time to answer.

"how are you. did you have a good weekend/holiday/new year. fancy meeting up?"

To his credit he was persistant... but nothing he said made me laugh or made me feel good. He was asking a question only friends and family could ask and get away with it. Put it this way.... im only going to spend the required minutes telling a 'real' friend how i was and if i had a good holiday or whatever because they've invested time and effort and we've shared many nice memories together. If a guy i've met once or twice and emailed a few times gets my number he is not a friend, he is a potential 'date' and so does not get that sort of treatment straight away. He has to earn my interest enough to give a decent and honest reply otherwise its similar situation to when you're stuck in the lift with a colleague at work - you start a conversation about the weather to be polite... but really you don't care to know the answer and just want to listen to your ipod.

So how can you create an 'emotional investment' so she will be looking forward to the date?

1) Keep it kid-level and light-hearted. Don't ask her any 'meaning of life' questions that require a serious answer too soon, not unless u want to develop a friendship. She has plenty of 'real' friends to talk to about that stuff and later you can inch into that as a padding out of the relationship. For now, in the initial stages, you're there to provide a fun, flirty distraction from the mundane everyday so she'll associate you with good times. You don't have to be a comedian and make jokes, but try chatting about topics that are 'abstract' and 'interesting', like fun facts, stupid/weird things you see, random links, making choices, picture messages, challenges etc

2) Don't initiate anything 'naughty' in your chat unless you've already slept together, or at least kissed. Especially if she hasn't taken the conversation there herself, try not to make suggestions like 'dress code: as little as possible' or 'cocktails: screaming orgasms'. Not that these are instant turn-offs but it makes a girl think 'ok now im not so sure about you'. This is because if you're not careful words to that effect can alert a girl on her 'guy who is only after one thing' radar and she'll wonder if you think shes so easy that you have the balls to say that to her and expect a reply. Even worse is when a guy goes all out and starts telling her his fantasies.... like what were you thinking? Text of course makes it less awkward to say stuff but if you couldn't say it to her face then don't say it at all.

Of course to keep from ending up in the friends zone she has to know you find her attractive and want to sleep with her still. There are ways to make your admiration known, like calling her 'sexy' or 'gorgeous' or mentioning how hot she looks in her dress/picture... the key is to compliment at the same time. No girl can resist that ;)

3) Stay in light contact. If you want to be in the forefront of her mind and get her thinking of when she'll see you next, don't disappear for 3 weeks without a word. You need to keep the fire burning, or at least the ashes warm. Of course its good to keep it sporadic, but anything more than about 3-5 days of not hearing from you will make her anxious, and over a week is asking for trouble. Now i know everyone is busy and im not saying you need to initiate a full blown flirting phone call every 3 days.... a random text/email or pic msg is cute and fun enough to keep her chomping at the bit for more. Don't over do it either. Contact her for a few days in a row then disappear for the weekend. One night chat for a few hours on the phone, another day send her a video clip link in an email. You shouldn't spoil the mystery of who you are in the first week of meeting by being predictable or by telling her everything there is to know about you. Drip in the actual facts about yourself over time, interspersed between random flirty chats about nothing in particular. It keeps the dating fresh and interesting and she'll never know what to expect.

And finally never forget the things she tells you, try not to cancel twice in a row... and kiss her as soon as possible or risk ending up in the friends zone if you don't.

Lx

What a difference a day makes... or "the art of forgiving a man"

My New Years gift to you ladies...

Meet Paul Wesley, rising star in the new teen-drama hit 'the vampire diaries'.... *sigh* and yes i too get shivers all over just looking at this picture ;)

Ok back to the article...

Sooo every morning i wake up and for a barest of minutes while i slumber between wake and dreaming, there is nothing on my mind. It is empty. And then it dawns like a bad memory and the unresolved emotions come flooding back to bite me in the ass. There lies a soft sadness that lingers at the back of my throat. Noted i proceed to get up and get out and on with my day.

It takes me the next 12 hours of walking, reading, working, people watching and eating to fully dissolve that sadness into nothing. I've devised this concept of fully immersing myself in feeling, whatever it is, and riding it out. I don't mean moping or dwelling on it like a stroppy teenager, i mean taking whatever raw emotion it is and tracing it back to the source. I want to know where it comes from, how it developed, what makes it better/worse, i want to understand every aspect of this feeling until it feels like nothing but a gift of knowing myself better.

By nighttime the feeling has been transformed from "this really hurts me" to "this was never about me"...

Forgiveness isn't about condoning what someone did to you in the past. Its not about saying that you are worth less because you accept the way they treated you. Its about accepting it and realising others only hurt you because they were in some form of fear about their own lives.

... it was always about them.

and when you finally accept this opportunity to become more open and less judgemental, to learn the lesson, well you let go and finally move on. And dump the not-so-desirable emotional baggage that makes you feel drained just carrying it around all day.

Until this week i was still carrying the pain and hurt from a very old relationship. I had never forgiven him. Funny because i didn't even realise i needed to forgive. That's how arrogant i can be. But not forgiving keeps you stuck in the past, living in denial-ville (thank you Isa), and repeating the same mistakes and accusations over and over and over.

I got no room for this baggage in 2010. Time to travel light i say.

L x

"Don't become a guy's practice run"...

... I told my friend, after she called me last night upset, confused and deeply hurt by a guy she felt she was still in love with.

What is it? Well, its a bit like being in the 'friends zone' except in the past you've been more than that, but ultimately its worse, because you know what you are missing once its over because you got a taste, a teaser of what it could be like 'if only'.... like Christmas presents and weekends away, meeting a few of his selected friends and feeling occasionally like you're part of his life, like full blown dates and that soft fuzzy closeness later on... essentially you're the girl he dates before he meets the one, you're the training wheels, you're the practice run.

And it hurts once it hits home that he'll never love you the way you love him. You're comfortable and you're reliable, and always there... but wake up! you'll always be second best. He is looking for someone else while he uses you to fill the gaps in his life. Men get lonely too and dating is hard. And how nice it is that theres someone there to soften the frustration of it all.

I wish i could tell you that its easy to spot and that you'll see it a mile away, but it isn't. This type of denial only becomes apparent when, even though you're just friends now, he just keeps on hurting you. I used to think that if a girl wasn't sleeping with the guy then that defined the relationship as 'just friends' and made it ok. But truth is, there are many aspects of a relationship that a guy can use you for that go beyond a physical one. A few friends of mine have this type of dependency on each other, despite him being gay and her being straight. It works because sex isn't everything needed to 'make' a relationship. There's also an emotional connection (you make each other laugh and have fun), an intellectual connection (a mutual respect and appreciation of qualities) and a deeper connection (you have feelings or care for each other).

Writing this, i know how it feels, and it sucks... truly. You have a mutal dependency because humans need connections to thrive and feel happy, but without comittment its just a ghost of a real relationship. It doesnt move forward because one or both fear the change, and the only person who can break the mutual dependency is the one getting hurt the most. Reasons why not vary.... but usually you convince yourself you're strong enough, or that cutting down on the amount of the other person in your life will hurt too much.

So let me put things into perspective... when he meets the girl who is the one he wants to marry and starts having children with her... that will hurt even more. And i wouldnt wish that kinda pain on anyone, not after having to go through it before. Don't be willing to wait around for things to come. He'll never want you as he would have made you his by now, and especially not if you're always there for him.

So go out and date, put yourself first and live your life as though he's not in it. Be email friends or something to that effect if you wish, just make sure he's no longer in your inner circle. Shift his ass to the furthest orbit if you can, or if you're feeling brave cut him out of it all together. And i know in as little as 6 weeks you'll be back on track and his memory will be ashes in the wind.

New years resolution anyone? :)

Why women who have it all are hard to please... otherwise called 'denial'

I realised this morning, after waking abruptly from a disturbing dream, that i have quite a large chunk of denial still hanging over me. The dream, or rather nightmare, dragged up all those old feelings of dissatisfaction in my life, especially love. In my dream my ex wanted me back. Dream Lisa much to my dismay took him back, falling straight into old patterns of stepford wife versus ungrateful bastard. Still dream Lisa was happy because she got what she wanted... or did she?

You see theres never been a guy good enough for me. I know now that at one point, possibly very early on in the relationship but still, the 'long-term ex' was essentially a good guy. It was my being so very difficult to please that pushed him into behaving the way i expected making matters worse and confirming my worst fears. In fact, looking back throughout all of my relationships i'm never happy. I mean he can give me the moon and i still pick away at his faults.

This is my denial.

You know, 'denial' the story we tell ourselves (and others) to avoid the pain of the truth about our own shortcomings - like feeling jealous when others succeed, acting critical when we should offer love, selfish when we should be giving - these little faults we are so ashamed of that we even lie to ourselves that the exist? After all its so easy to build up reasons in our minds why we act harshly towards others, like they deserve it, or to teach them a lesson.... sound familiar?

The hardest thing to accept is the darker side of ourselves, the side that isn't so pretty. I should know, pretty is very important to me. But sub-consciously we all have this side, even saints. The key is to remember that when the ugly truth is brought to light - say a loved one pushes the right buttons, winds you up, makes you angry/upset or react in a negative way... they are just bringing to the surface a part of yourself you could never confront on your own. And this feeling was there way before this person even came into your life and triggered it.

Its up to you to recognise that this person should not be blamed for parts that need work (in fact you should thank them for making you aware), and take responsibility instead. Yes, own it., before it owns you. Until we start to own these bad feelings and accept that they are ours, they will simply continue to control our lives, the dramas will repeat themselves over and over, people will keep coming into our lives who are better and better at triggering and we will still remain the victim. Never happy.

In my case, i'd blame the guy i was with because he wasn't doing enough of the things i thought he should to make me feel loved, secure, smug, satisfied, complete... etc Each time he fell short of my expectations i would experience a whole array of disappointment, frustration, and loneliness, that i was misunderstood and ultimately unloved. I blamed the men in my life for feeling this way and in the end all that did was push them away.

Other times, when guys i've dated have had the integrity to shower me with affection, and done too much, ive gone the other way. My insecurities at not being enough and essentially failing him, or my fear of being manipulated combined with lack of trust that surfaced when pushed to 'give up', as i felt my 'supposed' personal freedom.... made me aloof, distant and overly critical. Like before, i would sabotage the relationship before it could develop deeper and lose out on sharing my life with someone who really did care.

In both i was replaying pattern i'd picked up from my parents and old flames, when at times their restrictions and expectations either brought about a need in me for unwavering love and support or a desire in me to exist beyond their manipulations and control.

Funny today of all days i can clearly understand the lesson in the powerful demonstration of just "pointing a finger" at someone. I mean if you look carefully three times as many fingers are pointing back at yourself right?

The power of the small things (like little kisses xx)

Finally i feel like i can breathe!

I moved in to my new flat a month ago and between the reels of xmas fairly lights and endless trips to consumer-hell that is ikea, its only just coming together. If fact its almost perfect ;)

Still according to Maslow's Hierarchy of Human Needs i've been slumming along at the bottom of the pyramid for quite some time now and as a direct result... everything else has suffered, especially the little projects i've been nurturing to fruition all these months (including this blog!).

But now im all settled and cosy i can at last take a look at introducing some damage limitation, such as reconnecting with clients, chasing up those loose ends, planning, writing and creating... I feel creative again. Its like i can't stop smiling and everyone keeps asking me why i'm so happy. Its just because i'm settled, safe and secure. You see while i was homeless nothing else seemed important. I needed a roof over my head, and not knowing the details put a lot of things into perspective. In fact i realise how much i took the small things for granted, like knowing where everything i own was and being able to get to it easily, and going home to the privacy of "my room", cooking in my kitchen instead of eating out... those sorts of things.

And as always its also the small things that men do that make a difference, well to me anyway... like he remembered what i said in passing 2 weeks ago, he cuts the tomatoes exactly how i like them, he called me when he landed at the airport just so i wouldn't worry, etc.

But the smallest has to be the "xxxx's" at the end of his messages. Take this new ad from blackberry for example:

Do What You Love, Lo..

We watch while the couple argue because he is late, she storms off likely to never speak to him again, but then changes her mind and comes back to him... but only AFTER he messages her.

I'm that girl. Put me in front of a guy trying to say sorry and its embarrassing and confrontational. For me communication is not always better in person, especially if feelings are involved. The hardest for me often saying sorry (i hate to admit i'm wrong). The words stick in my throat, i get teary, i avoid eye contact... its not pretty.

Lucky for me messaging has given us a "get out of jail free card". We can dress the words in any way we want and make it sweeter and funnier just by adding a cute wink or a couple of xx's in such a way to assist communications rather than limit it. Whatever has happened... say your bf forgot to call you back or is busy, those little x's tend to soften the blow to the extent that the words are meaningless.

The funniest thing is that my guy has realised just how golden a few xx's are with me. I'm a sucker for sweet talk and if there is any disappointment, suddenly all IMs are littered with a kiss or two at the end of every sentence. I don't know why they work but they do, even though most of us use them for friendships all the time. They should be meaningless.... i mean its just one little letter for goodness sake, but they aren't - to most girls a small "x" means hes affectionate, sorry and sincere all at the same time.

Now i'm wondering if there are magic letters for men that could 'say' as much? Other than *ahem* a "b" and a "j" of course :$

Probably not...