Can you have too much attraction... and still be friends?

Meet Penn Badgley.... ummmmm. He's very hot. Blake is a lucky girl ;)

And where was i? Oh yes, so lately i've been wondering if it could ever work. The whole 'lets just be friends' thing. I can see it happening very firmly when at least one of the couple is not attracted to the other. Usually its the girl. We have this ability to switch off our 'desires' by way of a positive feedback mechanism. The less we get the less we want (and the opposite is true too) Makes it easy to become celibate, should you ever want to do that (and i have for a whole year, and it was not that hard actually).

But what if the two of you are still really, really attracted to each other, I mean clothes ripping, hair pulling, omg i can't stand the sexual tension kinda attraction? Hmmm ok imagine the scene. You're cool friends, you get on really well, you used to have a thing but now its over, you still hang out and still actually like hanging out. There are moments when it feels right... his hand on your waist, the lingering kiss on the cheek, the drunken flirting when you're together that gets everyone confused, even the both of you. What is with that? 

I remember seeing my long term ex for a catch up drink one night and the it amazed me, that after 6 months of not seeing or talking to each other, the attraction we had was still red hot. The connection was always amazing with him, and maybe thats why it hurt so much for me to learn to let it go. How did i deal with it? Well i cut him out of my life. Being that attracted to someone i didn't want to be with was frustrating and it ruined any type of friendship we were trying to cultivate. Friends don't kiss... end of.

I think its harder once you have known someone intimately. Especially for a girl. Our desires grow with comfort and familiarity. If we have been there before, it feels so right the next time that its hard to restrain yourself. Your body innately responds to his without your consent. You remember how it felt when he kissed you last, when he touched you... 

Compare that to a guy you've never let anywhere near your bed - you have nothing to draw on to fuel the fire. Its like starting from scratch in my experience. Even if you are majorly attracted, the 'devil you know' is always more of an allure. 

And in both cases... too much attraction is exactly what it is, although in my book its harder to go back to friendship once you have been a little more. 

So where do you draw the line? Well i'm loathe to remove anyone from my life who i actually like, no matter how much i hate the fact they make my knees weak at the slightest touch. And i think an unplanned drunken kiss between two ex-lovers is nothing to be shy about. I love kissing but not with just anyone, and who better to kiss than someone who does it well and knows my body as well as i do? And after that, i'm resolute enough to say no and mean it. 

And friendship? Well i used to be able to say yes, you can still be friends. In all those cases though, i found the guy became less attractive to me once we ended things (because i ended things). Except for my long-term ex, who turned me 180 degrees when i realised no you can't remain friends, because you had never been friends in the first place... and if there is still attraction, there is still something.

So in all honest truth? I'm not sure. The only thing i can say is if you can, kill the attraction you have for them. Which is easier said than done:

1) Spend less time with them. Out of sight, out of mind. Remove temptation if just for short while until your body forgets. Although i'm not sure if your body ever forgets. Just when i think its ok to test the water, i'm back to square one. On some level your body must become sensitised to the chemicals of the other person and all it takes is one moment alone and you're lost.

2) Imagine that they are gay/straight or just not available? I have this thing in my head where i place a guy into a 'friend-zone' box. It works better when they are not around though to mess things up. 

3) Find a distraction. This is the only cure i know that works. Go out and start dating. I find as soon as i'm all smitten with another guy, i've lost attraction for the 'friend'. 

And as for the answer to my question. I'll let you know...

More naked men pls....

One thing i'm a little tired of is reading men's blogs on dating and having to look at their pictures of naked women all the time. I can appreciate a girl with a nice ass.... i really can. But i can appreciate the male form so much better ;)

So i'm going to be posting my all time favourites for a while in my articles. Just to even things out:

Meet Justin Hartley. Also known as 'Oliver' or the 'The Green Arrow' in Smallville. And yes i only watch that show for three things, Tom Welling without a shirt on, Justin Hartley without a shirt on & the sci-fi fantasy storylines (i'm a geek what can i say. i love that stuff).

Sexy ripped abs & jeans? washing a cute dog? This is my dream guy...

An award i forgot about...

Thank you to The Novelista Barista for giving me an award. If u have a spare moment or two check out her blog. Its eye & word candy heaven ;)

Here are my award winners:
Sauce on the Side

OceanDreams

The Many Forms Of Love And Life

Tudor City Girl

The goals of this award:
1)As a dedication for those who love blogging and love to encourage friendships through blogging.
2)To seek the reasons why we all love blogging.
3)Put the award in one post as soon as you receive it.
4)Don't forget to mention the person who gives you the award.
5)Answer the award's question by writing the reason why you love blogging.

Deep down I'm a creative @ heart even though i'm also a geek and logic and numbers rule my brain. I love blogging as i get to express my ideas, musings & theories somewhere, and even if no one reads them, at least i've written them down in digital... which lasts forever in my book.

6)Tag and distribute the award to as many people as you like.
7)Don't forget to notify the award receivers and put their links in your post.

Be the leading lady... not the supporting actress

One of my favorite films of all time is 'The Holiday'. Yes i have a weakness for guys that look like Jude Law with the personality of his character in the film ;) But i also love the scene where Authur tells Iris to get her act together:

Arthur Abbott: Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend.

Iris: You're so right. You're supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for god's sake! Arthur, I've been going to a therapist for three years, and she's never explained things to me that well. That was brilliant. Brutal, but brilliant.

This speaks volumes to me. 

Not only do i have to be the leading lady in my own life but to any guy that comes along and wants my heart. Why? Well when someone tells you they are in love with someone else and ask you to play support, its an instant passion killer. I was once in love with a guy who still had a girlfriend. We worked together, and unavoidably we spent a lot of time together. I never noticed him when i first started working at the company but one day, a few months after my break up with the ex, i found i couldn't stop thinking about him.

All the girls fancied him. But i could never see it until i became single. Suddenly i wanted him. A waste of time? Yes probably... he was taken. And she was a lucky girl. I told him that when we kissed goodbye after one night where i let my heart rule my head. I was ashamed to say that i didn't feel any regret. He was the hottest and nicest most interesting guy i'd every worked with and the attraction was undeniable. He messed with my heart and my life for months afterwards. It got to the point where i left my job. Yes, never mix business with pleasure.... its not pretty. 

And so now i'm loath to play second fiddle. Even if that girl is not in his life anymore. His hang-ups just don't do it for me. I learned the hard way when i realised my boyfriend at the time was not over his ex when we started dating. I don't think he loved me any less, but when he brought her up time and time again, unable to let go... it pushed me away. I'm selfish. I don't like to share.

I know everyone has emotional baggage. And i have lost some loves in my life. Men i've shed tears over. But i would never compare any guy to one in the past. If i did i would not be moving on. I would be living in the world of 'what was and used to be'. And since i don't cling on to any past 'loves' i hardly tolerate a guy that does the same. Its one of my boundaries. I'm unforgiving of any guy that can't do what i can do. He has to be stronger not weaker. 

I'm also aware of how it can ruin the potential of anything with someone else, having not being able to let go of my own demons when it came down to it. But in the end i dealt with it. And once you can see light at the end of the tunnel... the getting over him/her is really not all that difficult. In fact, people do it everyday:

1) Realise what you remember is not exactly how things were. Time distorts memories. If they were truly that amazing and it was meant to be. You would be with them now. There are reasons why you never made it as a couple or reasons why you aren't moving forward. Remember what wasn't working? Why didn't flow? Don't forget love should be easy. Its not supposed to be hard work. If its negative now... whats it going to be like 20 yrs from now? Don't kid yourself that they were the only love of your life.

2) Don't consume yourself in a relationship, any relationship from the past or in something like a re-bound. Getting rid of emotional baggage takes time. Its not a race. Spend time out of the dating scene. Focus on you and your life, career, family etc. Be selfish. Do what makes you happy. Take a break from contacting your ex. Out of sight, out of mind.

3) Be open to new experiences like travelling or changing your life. It has an amazing way of opening you up sub-consciously to meeting someone new. Don't look for your ex in another person. You'll only repeat the same dramas all over and what you didn't like about your ex will come back to haunt you. Again theres a reason why you split. Accept it and move on.

"Movie Moment Kisses"... the 'spark' between two lovers, or just an acquired skill??

According to an article in Scientific American kissing conveys important information about the status and future of a relationship. The chemical & neurone messages triggered through the simple act of 'touching lips' releases an overload of emotional feelings, including sexual excitement, closeness, motivation & euphoria. 

Now on some level i think i already knew this ;) 

Kissing for me is the ultimate test. If he passes... there's not a lot i can do. I'm emotionally and physically hooked. Even if my mind says no, i just can't resist. Kissing for me in a relationship is like breathing. I will not date a guy if our kisses are far from fireworks. I just can't see how we would connect physically. Kissing is part of sex. So for the rest of it to be good... the warm up has to get my toes curling at least. It tells me if i'm attracted enough to a guy to be able to enjoy sleeping with him. And without that there is no relationship, just very good friendship.

The article supports my own theory that kisses between certain individuals are unique and while you might rate a kiss with one guy as a 10, a kiss with someone else would not release the same electric cocktail of hormones for her that give you that "movie moment rush". And it works both ways. They guy doing the kissing would feel the 'spark' with you more than her. Think of of your basic 'lock & key' analogy... you need to find the right key to fit your lock to unleash your emotions.

But can you learn to be the key that fits all? 

Well i've always been told i'm a good kisser. I tend to go slow and mirror his moves. But if he is a bad kisser i find my jaw aches from trying to slow him down or get his tongue out of my mouth.... So me being a good kisser on my own does not equal a movie moment kiss. It doesn't matter what skills i have or how good i am... he has to at least be equal in skill in that department. 

But even if he does know what he is doing... there are times i've gotten bored and started thinking of my shopping list for tomorrow. There was just no spark.

So what was missing?

Some of best, sparks included, have been in that moment when time stops, the world melts away, and nothing exists but the smell of his skin, the taste of his lips, and the feeling of a kiss that takes your breath away. I can't process any thoughts at a time like that. I'm not even aware of who i am. So If you have time to think of your technique then its not a "movie moment kiss". And if you've never had a kiss like that... then you so don't know what you're missing.

Scientifically we seek someone who is genetically compatible with us. Pheromones play a big part in animals sensing this genetic compatibility, hence the reason why certain 'pheromones' can appeal more to us than others. Findings have suggested that we sense pheromones with our nose. So its not just the kiss itself releasing chemicals, but also the smell of skin. And when we kiss, its pretty hard not to get close enough to become intoxicated with each other's unique chemical make-up, though only if it matches ours. Then we literally become addicted to each other. Nature's way of ensuring survival of the species.

Interestingly the article mentions that for females, oxytocin (the love drug) does not automatically increase as a result of kissing as it does for male. This suggests that girls need more than just a kiss to feel an emotional connection or get sexually excited. This is probably the reason why more than just a kiss for me is so important, and why i look for that connection or spark. It seems women use kissing to assess the level of emotional commitment as well, while men mainly use it to assess only the level of sexual intimacy. In a biological sense... a kiss for me tells me if a guy is likely to stick around, while a guy will use it to tell if you're willing to sleep with him. Good to know!

In a nutshell? For both sexes we need the right mix of pheromones to start off with. And for us girls, the mood and the escalation to the kiss is just as important as how you kiss. So if you're a straight guy you'd need to have more going for you than actual technique or you might just be giving the 'kiss of death' to your relationship every time you lean in to lock lips with your girl...

Its a turn-off when... "you are way too serious"

Most girls are emotionally in-tune. We want a guy who is in touch with his sensitive side. A guy who can talk about his feelings.

I've been there. And its frustrating when he avoids the issue, would rather enjoy the moment with you than open up and try to relate. Its hard work - there is something pressing that you just want to hash out. You want to talk through the options. You want to find out what he's thinking. You need to hear how he sees the situation. 

And we're used to our girlfriends who talk non-stop about themselves and the issues they are going through. So why can't we bond with a guy that way? Sure he may have poured his heart out before you dated... but now? He's a closed book that you just can't read. Never mind find out how it ends. 

But you know what really annoys me. When a guy is too serious. 

I had the grace to find a guy who's emotions were all over the place. And he wanted to talk about how he felt.. all the time. It got to a point when we couldn't just relax and laugh and eat dinner without him making an issue of how he felt when i passed him the salt. wft! Come on! I felt like the guy. I wanted him to just lighten up. Why was it so stressful all the time. Why did he have to turn everything in to drama... and everything into about him and how he felt? The world didn't revolve around him but when i was with him it felt that way. It was draining & boring. I spent less and less time with him. I did the guy thing and avoided his calls, kept my distance. It was just easier than admitting he was pushing me away. I was afraid he'd take it badly. And i was right. In the end he did. 

So whats my point in all this? Well it was strange for me to be in the role of a guy but it taught me some valuable lessons. No one likes being around too much drama all the time. Its hard work and its draining. Hence the reason why a cool guy will deflect your serious talk with banter and humour. And you may feel like he's avoiding the issue. Maybe he is. But there is a time and a place and there is a way to talk to a guy that doesn't make it seem like a chore.

So yes i can't stand ppl who take themselves to seriously. I love a guy who makes me laugh. A guy who can laugh at himself. A guy who doesn't read too much into what i say or what i do. A guy who is there when i need him to be. To show me what he can do for me instead of all that talk. After all... actions speak louder than words. 

And today i'm in one of those moods where everything keeps making me laugh. Yes i've got the giggles. I even got the grumpy guy behind the desk in reception to smile at me. 

Life is great like that... one smile and you get everything you wish for :)

Tell me one thing about yourself that not many people know?

This is my fave question when i'm with a guy i want to get to know better. 

"Tell me one thing about yourself that not many people know." 

You should hear the answers i get! One guy told me he liked dinosaurs. Another said if he told me I wouldn't like him anymore? but most of the time they just say.... "i don't think there is anything." boring. and men wonder why us girls stick to "oh so what is it you do?"

Anyway if a guy asked me. Here are a few i could choose from off the top of my head:

1) I always wear matching lingerie. Yes i do. Why? Well its sexy and i know that if i did ever have that "i want you right now big boy" moment. i'm prepared!

2) There is a blank canvas in my sitting room and i like it. I look at it every morning and remind myself "thats my life". No not blank.... but full of potential

3) I steal chocolate biscuits from my housemate Andrea's cupboard when he's not looking. Yes me. I'm guilty. But its better than buying a full packet all to yourself.

4) I sleep on one side of the bed and never move. The duvet is perfect when i wake up. I must sleep like a corpse?

5) I can do the Rubik's cube in 2min34 seconds

6) I write a very private blog that only a few read - no not this one ;)

7) I actually like tequila!

8) I practice strip-tease and erotic dancing most nights when i get undressed alone in my room just for fun. Never a dull moment...

9) I have a brown and double stripe white belt in karate - yeah don't mess with me...

10) I've played one of those super geeky D&D games with magic & levels etc once... and i kinda liked it

11) I once crashed into the back of a friend's car because i was looking in the mirror at my new haircut. but i lied at the time.

12) Sometimes i text and say i'm 2 minutes away when i'm actually just leaving my house.

And now to you tell me at least one thing about you that not many people know ;) I'm curious to see if that question is harder to answer than i thought....