'Men are a luxury I can afford but I don't need'
She wasn't joking when she said it. N was serious. And she confessed she said this to her husband every three months… just for good measure.
I first met her back in 2006 after I split from my long-term-ex. N was the first person to introduce me to the idea of 'thinking like a guy'. She wouldn't take any steps toward commitment unless the guy pushed for it, e.g. dates, exclusivity, living together and finally marriage. A guy had to earn these things by spending quality time, with words appreciation, by doing/planning nice things and by showing physical affection.
If you are in demand you can afford to risk losing his attention... you can afford to have a choice. It weeds out the time wasters and the players - guys who won't put in the effort or time as they don't value you as prize worth having.
But what if you aren't in-demand? What if this is not your reality….yet? Well here are some pts to consider:
1) 'men are the icing on the cake, not the main ingredient' - I read this somewhere and it helps me frame myself in my 'desired' reality of being complete just as I am. Take em or leave em. In the end your happiness should come from you and not from your relationship. When you are single you are the most secure you'll ever be. You 'know' who you are and you 'know' where you are going. All your energy is yours and you don't have to answer to anyone. The freedom of that is fantastic in itself. Enjoy it because it won't last forever…
2) 'change is inevitable' - I know I keep saying this but its true. I once thought I had found my soulmate and nothing could ever keep us apart. Our attraction was so strong I couldn't see beyond being with him for the rest of my life. Wake up call! We did break up. I got over it and now I see things clearly. Nothing lasts and love can fade. All we have is this moment. Enjoy it or forever be living in the past or waiting for the future.
3) 'it’s a candy store out there' - I laughed when I heard this on an audio for a 'dating' seminar. Still. Its true. There is so much choice, you just have to open your eyes to it. Theres a theory in quantum physics that if you don't believe it or have no experience in it… you won't see it. I mean your eyes may take the vision in, but its your brain that processes and filters out the noise. Your beliefs, judgments and pre-conceptions choose what is noise and what you pay attention to. If you don't think there are men out there… your brain will surely filter them out so you don't see them. Thus confirming your belief. Open your mind to the possibilities girls. I see/meet great guys all the time. And that’s because I'm open to it. Make it true for you too.
4) 'don't be a doormat' - seriously girls, I can't stress enough. don't compromise for anything less that what you deserve. Write a list if you don't know, but make a friend read it. If she agrees then you know yourself well. I must admit this is the one I have trouble with. Sometimes I make excuses for guys, do too much or I let them get away with bad behaviour. The key is not to be afraid to 'risk' losing him if he can't handle it. Face it. If he can't act in a mature manner then he's not ready and no amount of you 'hanging' around and putting up with his flakey/shitty ways will make him respect you or force him to grow up. If you mean that much to him… he'll step up. Otherwise don't look back. This a good way of testing a guy for emotional maturity. If he takes off at the first sign of a backbone from you… then please, just let him go.
Live this way and pretty soon all of this becomes your reality. It’s the only way to find a guy who is worth holding on to. If you haven't found him. Trust me… he'll turn up ;) One thing I do when a relationship or a guy I'm dating isn’t going the way I planned is to just think
'fuck it…. someone better always and will come along so I'm not going to cry over this'
And you know what? they always do…. Always.