On a normal day I get a couple of calls/emails from girls who are having a tough time… most of them are my friends, others I know through a mutual acquaintance. Sunday was an exceptional day. There were a total of five dilemmas thrown my way, most of them relationship related.
I do my best to relate and give advice that is impartial. I try not to assign blame. I look at both sides and help her see another perspective before she makes a decision. I like to think the reason they come to me is because I'm good at what I do… or at least getting better at it.
LT was one of the five. She reminds me of one of those amazonian princesses - tough, beautiful and poetic. For a girl so young she is very intelligent emotionally as well as mentally. I would say her head is screwed on, despite a few wobbles. Her problem was simple. She didn't want to waste her time with a guy who couldn't say he loved her.
The question was: should you walk away and end it rather than waste time… when a guy is clearly 'just not that into you'?
Firstly women do one of two things:
1) Do not understand men enough to 'know' if he is into her or not
2) Sabotage a perfectly good working relationship because they need to 'define' where things are at or they need 'label' the stages or the emotions in order to feel secure and fit in with society.
Actions speak louder than words…
One of the things I understand is that if a guy is 'into you' his actions not his words will be the indicators of how much he cares. Men are usually unable to open up emotionally and put feelings into words as well as us girls can. They also don't attach themselves emotionally straight away either (we can learn a lot from guys as women form emotional attachments all too easily and then call it 'love'?!). So for a guy to 'know' and then 'admit' he is in love is a big thing. And so that gives his words about his feelings more 'value' right? When he can eventually say 'I love you' it has more meaning. Until then he may 'care' about you way before he can tell you… and the key interpreting this? well just look at how he acts:
Ask yourself... Is he affectionate? Does he consider you in his decisions? Does he jump at the chance to see if he's not busy or otherwise engaged? Do you hear from him often? How do you feel when you are with him? Comfortable? Happy? Is it easy being with him. Do you enjoy your time spent with him?
Chances are if its good for you… it will be for him, as people who are close to you easily take on your emotions and moods when around you.
Why women need to 'label'...
In the beginning both of you give freely because you want to. There is no expectation because you are still getting to know on another. The love you give is almost unconditional. Then, usually but not always there will come a time in a relationship when one of you will begin to not want to openly give anymore because you feel you're not getting enough back. The ego has decided to rear its ugly head and demand some assurance… more quality time, more words of affirmation, more commitment, more displays of affection, more gifts, etc.
In most cases it’s the girl who becomes the needy one. Typically she is insecure in choice/pressures of her career, her health/weight makes her feel bad, her looks don't match the supermodel in the magazines, and the guy she is seeing has recently become distant and she's unsure if that’s because she slept with him recently. To make matters worse her friends tell her that she should be seeing him more not less, society & culture dictates love is like a fairytale in order to be true and ever lasting, her parents want to meet Mr Right and ask her when the wedding is, and she is fast approaching her early 30s when most women her age are having babies.
Yeah ok lets not freak out right now… ;) But in this picture the world looks quite bleak. In short it is her own perception of 'time running out' and 'love should be = to movie-endings' that has her feeling this way. This will then filter through into the one channel she can get the most from but is feeling like she isn't. Matching it up to an 'ideal love' or comparing it to where others are is a big mistake. She is bound to want to start questioning their relationship 'where is this going' etc, and she is most surely going to ask him. Suddenly a positive, amazing relationship becomes a power struggle with her fear of loss and his fear of commitment driving it…
Love is not forever… deal with it
Ok not to be harsh… but its true. Living in the past stops you from moving on and learning lessons, living in the future holds you back from enjoying what you have… the only way to be happy in a relationship is to live in the moment. No one knows what is going to happen next month, next season, next year…. feelings and situations and people change, promises made are broken, nothing stays the same… change is inevitable.
Once you grasp that concept, your fear of loss evaporates. Live in the moment and enjoy the relationship for what it is right now, relish in how you make each other feel and enjoy spending time together. Not what it should be, not what it could be… but simply what it is.
Like that movie 'he's just not that into you' maybe we can learn, like Jen... to realise he is actually 'into you', to appreciate the moment and enjoy just being with him, as sometimes... that can be enough.