Mar 3, 2009

When a guy is 'just not that into you...'

On a normal day I get a couple of calls/emails from girls who are having a tough time… most of them are my friends, others I know through a mutual acquaintance. Sunday was an exceptional day. There were a total of five dilemmas thrown my way, most of them relationship related. 

I do my best to relate and give advice that is impartial. I try not to assign blame. I look at both sides and help her see another perspective before she makes a decision. I like to think the reason they come to me is because I'm good at what I do… or at least getting better at it.

LT was one of the five. She reminds me of one of those amazonian princesses - tough, beautiful and poetic. For a girl so young she is very intelligent emotionally as well as mentally. I would say her head is screwed on, despite a few wobbles. Her problem was simple. She didn't want to waste her time with a guy who couldn't say he loved her. 

The question was: should you walk away and end it rather than waste time… when a guy is clearly 'just not that into you'?

Firstly women do one of two things:

1) Do not understand men enough to 'know' if he is into her or not

2) Sabotage a perfectly good working relationship because they need to 'define' where things are at or they need 'label' the stages or the emotions in order to feel secure and fit in with society.

Actions speak louder than words
One of the things I understand is that if a guy is 'into you' his actions not his words will be the indicators of how much he cares. Men are usually unable to open up emotionally and put feelings into words as well as us girls can. They also don't attach themselves emotionally straight away either (we can learn a lot from guys as women form emotional attachments all too easily and then call it 'love'?!). So for a guy to 'know' and then 'admit' he is in love is a big thing. And so that gives his words about his feelings more 'value' right? When he can eventually say 'I love you' it has more meaning. Until then he may 'care' about you way before he can tell you… and the key interpreting this? well just look at how he acts:

Ask yourself... Is he affectionate? Does he consider you in his decisions? Does he jump at the chance to see if he's not busy or otherwise engaged?  Do you hear from him often? How do you feel when you are with him? Comfortable? Happy? Is it easy being with him. Do you enjoy your time spent with him? 

Chances are if its good for you… it will be for him, as people who are close to you easily take on your emotions and moods when around you. 

Why women need to 'label'...
In the beginning both of you give freely because you want to. There is no expectation because you are still getting to know on another. The love you give is almost unconditional. Then, usually but not always there will come a time in a relationship when one of you will begin to not want to openly give anymore because you feel you're not getting enough back. The ego has decided to rear its ugly head and demand some assurance… more quality time, more words of affirmation, more commitment, more displays of affection, more gifts, etc. 

In most cases it’s the girl who becomes the needy one. Typically she is insecure in choice/pressures of her career, her health/weight makes her feel bad, her looks don't match the supermodel in the magazines, and the guy she is seeing has recently become distant and she's unsure if that’s because she slept with him recently. To make matters worse her friends tell her that she should be seeing him more not less, society & culture dictates love is like a fairytale in order to be true and ever lasting, her parents want to meet Mr Right and ask her when the wedding is, and she is fast approaching her early 30s when most women her age are having babies. 

Yeah ok lets not freak out right now… ;) But in this picture the world looks quite bleak. In short it is her own perception of 'time running out' and 'love should be = to movie-endings' that has her feeling this way. This will then filter through into the one channel she can get the most from but is feeling like she isn't. Matching it up to an 'ideal love' or comparing it to where others are is a big mistake. She is bound to want to start questioning their relationship 'where is this going' etc, and she is most surely going to ask him. Suddenly a positive, amazing relationship becomes a power struggle with her fear of loss and his fear of commitment driving it…

Love is not forever… deal with it
Ok not to be harsh… but its true. Living in the past stops you from moving on and learning lessons, living in the future holds you back from enjoying what you have… the only way to be happy in a relationship is to live in the moment. No one knows what is going to happen next month, next season, next year…. feelings and situations and people change, promises made are broken, nothing stays the same… change is inevitable.
Once you grasp that concept, your fear of loss evaporates. Live in the moment and enjoy the relationship for what it is right now, relish in how you make each other feel and enjoy spending time together. Not what it should be, not what it could be… but simply what it is. 

Like that movie 'he's just not that into you' maybe we can learn, like Jen... to realise he is actually 'into you', to appreciate the moment and enjoy just being with him, as sometimes... that can be enough.



This is so so true :) And though I know it... I still do it sometimes when the guy I am with makes me feel really unsure of myself, which is really stupid since that means I like him a LOT.
Thanks for the reminder. Perfect timing by the way ;)
I wonder if you find yourself doing it sometimes too... :)

I used to do this a lot. Although the guy i was with loved me too much that he put up with my dramas for 5 years!

Now... its hard but i find that with all the work i've done on myself, i'm 98% able to live in the moment. I think its habit, as it gets easier every day. One of the preferences i have in a guy is that he is confident enough in himself to compliment me in this. I will only date a guy who is emotionally mature or on the same level enough that we both learn from each other. I think a lot of women think that they can't learn anything from men... or that because they are the emotionally open ones, this makes them far superior. I disagree. I think we both have a lot to learn from each other.

The best formula is to find someone who is equal in self development to you so the relationship you have is balanced in learning/teaching, whereby both of you encourage/inspire each other to grow.

Anyway i digress ;) but yes sometimes when i'm feeling a little drained by others i find my mind takes over and starts creating negative situations as to 'why he hasn't called'. Then i realise, laugh and make up a new reason... 'he hasn't called because he likes me too much. he needs to play it cool for a bit so as not to turn me off...' or i just think 'next' haha

Single Gal

Hmm, I don't think what happened with Jen in the movie was very realistic.
And also, I seem to know almost right away whether I like somebody or not. Your personalities just "click" after a few conversations. So if after six months, he still won't call you his girlfriend, I don't think that has anything to do with society putting pressure on me, I think it has to do with him not liking me enough. I know I've done it--been head over heels for a guy almost immediately and wanting to see him every minute, and then there was the guy who I was like ", but I'll keep dating you bc there's no one else better at the moment." I don't want to ever be the latter. Usually what I have found, is that if they really like me, they'll want to be with me--I don't need a title. But if they don't like me enough, they don't really care if I leave. I want someone to want me just as much as I want them. So I guess I agree with some of what you wrote...but I don't think we should let guys off that easy either.

Single Gal - if that works for you then that's great. The key is to be happy with what you have and just enjoy it. If you sense he doesn't like you enough or he makes you unhappy then only you can make the best decision and walk away ;)

My post was based on experience of not knowing a good thing until it was gone. Mostly because i had wanted to move to the next stage of the relationship because i needed assurance or i was feeling insecure. In the end i pushed him through the demands of my own ego.

A lot of my research is also based on talking to guys who have been at the other end of this type of situation. They were able to use the label 'girlfriend', but 'love' was not as forthcoming even though they cared about the girl deeply.

I also don't see it as 'letting a guy off' ;) lol although i can see why you would say that. People treat you how you train them. If you want the guy to treat you better then its your responsibility to adjust your responses accordingly so that he knows what is acceptable and if he still sticks around... then great! Thats another post i think though.

Thx for the feedback, it really helps me understand if i'm getting it right or not ;)


ummmm the movie

i think as woman we have this crazy need to want to always be told the he would die for us and that he lves nothing else but us. realistic? never!

the on thing im still trying to implement in my relationship is to have my own things going. that way im not sitting at home hoping and wishing that he call me. i have foubd that if i let my life carry on as usual he can see that and i think love me more for the fact that i do get passionate about othere things too. sometimes my boyfriend calls just to hear me talk about all the wierd things that go on in my life. all he does is listen and not that im over talking him (assured by him) but simply because he wants to listen. imagine if all i did was sit around and mope. would that conversation not kill both of us with bordem?

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