When you just need a hug...

The text was simple and direct.

"Heya…. How are you? X"

Having a rough day and then facebooking about it means that you're not an island. Others…. friends, family, lovers, well they care. Shamelessly I used my sources to get attention. I needed it. I was feeling close to tears. Rare for me, as I can't remember the last time I cried.

I text him back.

"Fucked off….lol"

M told me to call him but I didn't. Work was too busy and as much as I would have loved to dump on him he couldn't offer what I needed. A hug… a hug and someone to tell me it was going to be alright. And it wouldn't matter that I was being unreasonable, that my mascara ran, that I was hopeless and sad. There would be hot chocolate and a duvet, a joke at the right (or wrong) moment where I would show a reluctant smile… and the hug would make me feel, for just a little while…. Safe.

There was a time I did have that person. The one person I could lean on when life got too much. He was my rock... And of course I was his. I would be lying if I said I didn't miss having that. Just to know there is one person out there that cares enough and loves you enough that no matter what, despite everything you have been through and your differences…. they have your back.

Is this being insecure? Or just being human?

Over dinner last night A revealed to me that the one thing he loved about his long term relationship was just being with someone that cared/loved you enough that nothing was impossible anymore. Is this type of love inspiring then rather than suffocating? Is there something to be gained when we lose most of our freedom and control when we commit?

I think there's a fine line in any relationship and maybe we just have to look at the outcome rather than getting bogged down in the details. If the person you are with makes you happy at least 80% of the time, and you get more out of being together than not…. then you know you have my blessing ;)

And for me now? Well there is no one I feel inclined to rely on in that way just yet. Maybe my independent streak I've developed since will be my downfall as I'm less inclined to let myself fall or follow. Love seems like a chemical reaction, I psycho-analyse every romantic intention, I write notes on dating behaviour and see men only as opponents in an intriguing but very fun-filled game where I always have to win.

Yes I do worry about me sometimes…. ;)