How to develop trust in a relationship...

In any relationship… trust is important. Once it has gone. Its over.

Sure you can try repair over the cracks, but essentially they are still there and the reasons behind them.

You can be the most confident, self-assured & grounded person alive, but without trust it won't be enough to sustain any relationship, even just a physical one (I mean you trust that he will use protection right?).

So how do you go from having 'fun' to developing trust?

Well I believe that most people today innately trust each other from the start. There is no past history to taint your view of this person and so the trust is natural and almost goes without saying. This initial trust can't support anything beyond a 'casual' or 'physical' relationship. Then after you spend more time in each other's company, you will start to develop some emotions/feelings towards the other person. I don't care who you are. It will happen. It’s a human condition to bond with others. It may not be at a very deep level…. But if you enjoy spending time with each other and make an effort to continue to do so, then truth of the matter is you will start to 'care' for them. The initial trust now becomes solid as you build up a reference in your mind for that person in how they act towards you or what is 'normal' behaviour, etc.

So now you are developing trust… how do you maintain it?

Know what you want and communicate it well:
Boundaries now become important - the behaviours that you will or will not accept from the other person. If you do not define your boundaries then there is no trust because your expectations may be different. If you have not talked about what you expect from each other then trust cannot even start to build, so how you expect to trust each other is beyond me. I'm not talking about labels, although labels are a sort of 'pre-defined' boundaries…. All you need to know is where you stand, and that doesn't have to fit into society's definition, as long as you are happy with it.

Ways of setting your boundaries can be as simple as just telling him. However this can lead to confrontation and him getting defensive. If you do start this line of conversation make it light and not about him or your relationship. Focus on what type of person you are and what things you accept from people and what you don't… almost as though you are telling him more about you as a person. Do not try this when he is stressed or when you are drunk (yes we've all done this). If you find that it is getting to heavy just drop the subject as though you were just talking about the weather.

Or tell a story about 'another couple'. Men love giving advice and if it's not about him, then the pressure is off e.g. the guy my friend was seeing recently did this. I don't know how she would tolerate that. If that was me….'.

Another way is to tell him what qualities you like in him or you liked in your ex. This gives him an idea of what behaviour he has that you like or would like him to have and also gives him reason to understand why you like him. Trust me, people show a 'behaviour' more if you tell them you 'like' it.

People treat you how you train them:
Its one thing to have boundaries but another to enforce them.

Make sure you call him out on bad behaviour that crosses your boundary. Do not let it go and do not sulk (he isn't psychic) or throw a strop (you're not 12). Just let him know you aren't happy in a calm, adult manner. Ask him to fix it or make it up to you (and he will if he is into you), then when he has, drop it and forget it. If there is nothing he can do to make it up so that you are 100% happy then you can't be in a relationship with this person.

For behaviour you like… appreciate it and tell him so. Sometimes us girls forget to reward our men when they make an effort to put us first. After a while if he's getting no response he will stop. Don't make the mistake of thinking 'you deserve it anyway'. People do nice things for a reaction… think about… its true.

Be ready to 'walk away':
If he can't accept what you are asking him. Then you have no trust. It important for a girl to just be prepared to walk away. I can't stress enough that the pain of 'trying' to get a guy to be what you want is not worth it. If he is unwilling to at least listen to what you want and to try, then find a guy that will. If you stick to your guns… you will feel happier and in his eyes he will at least see that you 'know' your worth and won't take anything less. Maybe you won't get his love... but at least you'll get his respect.