Feb 13, 2009

'Approach Anxiety' from a girls p.o.v...

Ok there seems to be this negative connotation to being single among most of the girls that i know... and it worries me.
I guess society/culture is to blame... bombarding us with images of happy couples, songs about love and 'happy ever after' movie endings where the guy always gets the girl (why is it never about the girl getting the guy??). So in the face of such a one-sided view of relationships... why would any girl feel good about being single? I mean we are constantly swamped with the belief that unless we are swept off our feet, engaged, then married and hopefully laden two adorable kids before middle-age, we are what the Japanese call 'christmas cake'past our sell by date after the 25th!
Hmmm... so what i'm i leading up to? Well in a typical situation a friend of mine is finding it hard to face being single again. She would rather stay with her ex than move on, even though he isn't making her happy. Erm... why? I asked her this... what it was she was afraid of? and her answer was that guys never seemed to approach her or chase her, and so in her life there was always a shortage of men. And she didn't want to be left on the shelf... Bridget Jones Syndrome methinks.

I can sympathize as i have been there. Looking back i can see that at one time i never had the confidence, like my friend, to even look directly at a guy i liked... never mind approach him. The frustrating moment would come when i would be out with the girls, spy a guy who i stood out, someone i liked the look of, i would shyly catch his eye.... and that was it. Nothing would happen!
I don't in anyway think i'm unattractive or a 'bush pig' (derogative term for ugly girls SOME of my male friends use when they don't think i'm listening!). Still the fact that guys would not approach me even after catching my eye, would have a huge impact on my self-esteem. 

It was obvious to me those great guys, who seemed few and far between, didn't find me worthy of approaching, and the ones that did were either really weird it was embarrassing or so drunk it was insulting.
Eventually I changed...
I started opening my eyes to different view... one where i was a goddess, in demand and wanted by all men, and there was an abundance of hot men in the city.
Just the simple fact of changing my beliefs had an amazing effect in my reality:
  • I became more confident in myself and the high calibre of guys i could attract
  • I was more open to guys approaching me just by adopting a smile & a relaxed attitude
  • I was strong enough to approach a guy i liked without fear of rejection
The result? An abundance of hot, interested, cool guys on my speed dial and many more asking to be noticed! ;)
So while leaving the approaching to men is nice and complimentary, and don't get me wrong i'm all for sitting back and letting the dates come to you, theres little chance of it happening if:
a) the guy is not confident enough in himself
b) you're not inviting or open enough for any guy to try.
I mean if your giving off either a desperate-scanning-the-room-in-hunting-mode or bitchy-don't-even-try-it vibe men will sub-consciously steer clear. The latter is the worst. There are girls i know that are automatically suspicious of any male that approaches them. They say its cheesy or its creepy and all at once the bitch shield is up and the poor guy is given the cold shoulder.
All i can say is.... i know how much it takes to cold approach a stranger and blatantly show interest. You're putting yourself out there - its scary, your heart is going at a rollercoaster rate, you've no idea what to say and everyone is looking at you. And girls have it easier than guys! because straight off, and i quote from many guy friends i know 'a man will sleep with a her or he won't'. Meaning? All a girl has to do is walk up and say 'hi' and if he will sleep with her, she's in. For a guy approaching a girl? Different story.
So if men have it harder than women I think its only fair for us of the fairer sex to cut the ones that at least try some slack.
Smile, make eye contact, be bold enough to look again, and most importantly be friendly! You can even make it easier for him by saying something off-hand first (my usual is 'I like your...[insert cool accessory or peice of clothing here]' and 9 times out of 10 he will continue the conversation).

Do this... even if you don't think you fancy him. No harm in making friends. After all, haven't we all had boyfriends we just didn't find attractive the first time you both met? What if the cheeky but geeky looking sidekick to the Adonis you've been eyeing up all night is really the one that gets you, makes you laugh and inspires your dreams.... but you let him slip by after one, slightly dismissive, glance that tells you almost too quickly 'he seems nice, but nothing special'.
I know i'd kick myself....


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