Feb 26, 2009

Can you be friends with an ex?

It was his birthday last week. He turned 30. Its funny but I never think of him anymore. It was just a reminder on facebook that turned my attention to him... my long term ex. We aren't friends, though I tried for so long to make it so. But it didn't work out, and now if someone ever asks me do you think you can be friends with an ex. My answer is quite simply now is 'no'.

No you can't. Not if it was real.

I tried it once with the long term ex. I loved him too much to give him up totally, but it just held me back. You remain friends because you fear to let go, to lose them forever and part of you secretly hopes that by keeping the lines of communication open, you will find away back in to their heart.

I tried it once with my re-bound guy. I valued him too much as a friend to give up the connection we had, but it just caused us both more pain. You remain friends because that was how you started out and part of you secretly hopes that things will just go back to the way they were when he was your best friend.

The best advice I ever had in getting over relationships that have run their course was and is 'no contact'. I almost wish someone had told me sooner but they probably had, only I had to learn the lesson first hand myself to understand its value.

One day maybe you can be friends… but for both of you to move on you can't think of that 'one day'. No contact means no contact, and it starts out as a permanent state, which is the only way to be fair to yourself, to your ex…. 

And of course to the next guy in your life... whoever he is. I think he at least deserves that ;)

3 comments:

Kami

I don't know... I managed to stay friends with most of my ex(with no or almost no contact for the first 6 months after). Obviously it's not a close relationship. We talk once in a while, go out for a coffee every half year/1 year, just to catch up on what's been happening(we don't share the relationship part of our lives) mostly in our professional and family life.
I don't want anything from them except friendship. Once I leave a guy or he leaves me there's no rebound... or at least not until now.
I don't fear losing them for I have them in my heart, I am thankful for the lessons they brought with them...
And you're right...if one of the people involved thinks of that "one day" it can't work...

Sassy

I totally agree. I could never stay friends with an ex, especially one who hurt me so much.

I just had to cut him off from my paths and I had to block everything about him from my mind.

I had to cut ties to some of our friends. Extreme yes, but I learned to move on from that.

Now I'm at a place in my life that I can tolerate a HI from him.

the.lifestyle.artist

Kami - its not a hard and fast rule and yeah i'll admit do have the couple of exes i am still in contact on a friendship level. One was a very short and not a very deep relationship. The other was with my 're-bound guy' (who incidently was re-bounding with me at the same time!), but this was only after 6 months or so of no contact. Also we are not very close friends... not as close as we were as he was my best friend before we got together. Now we hardly speak about anything emotionally like you and your ex. Its just too complex and to be honest it drains me ;)

Sassy - thats good to hear. I did the same with the long term ex. Best thing i ever did ;)

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