Feb 11, 2009

Are All Women Insecure?

At my weekly catch-up lunch with a good friend of mine, she highlighted to me something her boyfriend had said in passing... 'All women in relationships are insecure'. She went on to explain that his reasoning behind this was the unhealthy reactions of two mutual friends, girlfriends of his mates in fact, to the news of the boys' proposed (and should add slightly 'secret') trip to Miami!
It was interesting to hear that his blanket view of women in general was based on the 'little princess act' that all girls, at one point in their lives, have no fear in expressing to anyone that will listen.
C'mon girls... you know its true. I've been there myself. You're not getting your way and your ego, bless it, decides to make his life a living hell. Various tactics spring to mind... sulking, crying, starting an argument, silent treatment, slagging him off to your galpals, repeating your views/feelings/thoughts over and over again until he shuts down with boredom (you think he's not listening, he heard you the first time sweetheart, loud & clear... he just doesn't know what to say right now and won't in case you get upset and start screaming again!).
I bet you've all thought this? How can he love you if he can do this to you? He mustn't care if his friends come first surely?
Yep, own up. We are all guilty.
I think this type of behaviour derives itself from three things:
1) Its the way you act in your family or with people you spend a lot of time with or that you love. You feel comfortable enough around them to let them see your true feelings (i.e. the ugly/demanding/selfish monster you normally keep locked away from public view) and you know or at least think! they will understand.
2) It worked in the past. You acted this way and you got attention.
3) You don't see it as destructive because no one has ever tried to act this way with you.
The interesting thing about the 'princess act' is that as you get older and it stops working and you have one or two certain individuals act this way toward you... you learn to tone down or stop it all together. Especially as after your first 'love' you can see that it eventually destroys the relationship.
The guy will eventually get bored of pandering to your whims: doesn't apologize for the sake of peace, doesn't say 'there, there baby' and give you a hug. Whats the point for him when your pride prevents you from accepting his apology in the first place... and whatever he does/says isn't good enough? Your ego just won't accept it.
What happens then? Well... there will come a day when he just says, without emotion, without batting an eyelid... 'right. i'll just leave you to calm down then'. And he walks out the room.
Well i don't blame him. Having had a guy act this way toward me. I can tell you it gets boring/frustrating and you lose all respect for the other person eventually after repeated bouts of bad behaviour. Its not pretty....
So how do you stop acting this way and begin acting like a mature, emotionally stable adult who gets the respect she deserves? 
Again this boils down to your own inner self.
Ask yourself: Where does my happiness come from? Do i appreciate/love/respect myself? Why do i need to act this way/demand his attention? If he acted this way to me how would that make me me act/feel? These questions will obviously touch the surface of your insecurity and the reason why you feel the need to act out.
- Your happiness should come from you and no one else
- If you don't appreciate/love and respect yourself then how can anyone else?
- Needy behaviour is attention seeking because you feel insecure in your relationship/life/work/health. Your ego (the part that you identify as 'you') loves attention in any form that helps you feel good about yourself. The ego sees you as 'separate' from everyone else and you'll know when its in control as it starts most of it's internal communication with 'me' or 'I'. It loves to feel important and prefers to feed off the attention (energy) from others. This becomes a sort of 'pseudo-confident protective shell' that unfortunately needs constant maintenance as it isn't sustainable!
- If you are insecure you are depending on your bf to provide you with the comfort and validation that you can't give yourself and asking them to feed your ego. Thats a lot to ask from one person... that they be the source of your happiness and give you constant attention! Imagine that you had to be that source for someone else? Draining huh?
So... what to do?
Well there are tons of ways to work on your inner self and provide your own comfort & validation:
  • INDEPENDENCE is building up your own life that is separate from your bf with your own circle of friends, social events and activities (let your source of attention come from more than one place... yourself, friends, family, causes)
  • FEED YOUR OWN EGO by breaking down the negative beliefs about yourself and building up new positive ones (e.g. you are amazing, you can do anything you put your mind to...)
  • BEING POSITIVE is changing your perspective to the bright side for everything that happens in your life (you lost your job but now is your chance to change your life in a new direction..)
  • EMPATHY is walking a mile in the other person's shoes (try arguing their view point in your head, especially when you have a conflict of interest)
Ok thats a lot of food for thought. But i would like to add before i sign off that MOST women eventually, after trial and error, lose the 'princess act' and eventually become secure in themselves naturally. So i disagree with my friend's bf.
All women are not insecure... we just tend to start off that way ;)



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