This has cropped up at lot recently in discussion with friends... the two worst traits a person can sink to when it comes to dating or relationships. Everyone has experienced at least one or the other. All my friends agree both are not in any way attractive. In my opinion both stem from insecurity and both are in fact a turn-off. So why do we allow these traits to control our external behaviour if they are so repellent?
One word... Insecurity.
Neediness is easy. When a person feels attraction, and they are insecure, their ego can demand attention to maintain the 'feel good' factor they get from their relationship, as its often easier than getting it from themselves. This falls down when the attraction is not returned at the same intensity and the addiction is not satisfied. Love chemicals... Oxytocin which is involved in the bonding of males & females... (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/7815095.stm) & others such as phenylethylamine, dopamine & norepinephrine are manufactured when we feel 'loved up'. They are addictive because of the 'natural highs' they give us, and you can literally become a 'love junkie' needing a fix from the person you've allowed yourself to become attached to.
Flakiness can be insecurity masked as indifference. I'm not talking about when a guy 'is just not that into you' and you never hear from him, cos that is exactly what that is.... I'm talking about 'playing hard-to-get'. Yes you know.. when you purposely choose to be unavailable so as not to appear 'clingy'. While this can initially stir the person on the receiving end to distraction, creating a short-term but very intense attraction, possibly prompting them into chasing you.... the benefits are short-lived. The game can backfire if the guy is not confident enough to chase or is confident enough that he doesn't need to waste his time chasing. And even if he does... the main attraction you had was your 'elusiveness' so if you don't keep it up whats to say he won't eventually lose interest and move on once he has you?
So can there be a balance between the two, that is healthy as well as attractive, for all us well-adjusted. emotionally stable, confident women out there?
A guy who i knew through a work event once said to me 'the most attractive thing about you is that you're not afraid to tell me you like me and you're confident enough to not care if i don't like you back'. The compliment highlights how attractive sexual/self confidence is to the opposite sex... the key component missing from a needy or flaky person.
It's being able to say openly how he makes you feel, make the overtures, request the dates, appear interested but, and most importantly... being able to walk away if he's not interested. Because if he isn't... theres always someone that is. And knowing that is what builds up the confidence a girl needs to live/love without fear. I heard it was called 'the abundance mentality/reality..... maybe thats the title of my next post?